Is it creepy for an older male coworker to ask me my marital status and if I'm in love with my boyfriend?

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Chloeflowers said:

Yup, ignoring isn't going to help in most cases. I need to tell him to piss off in a more professional way due to it be in a work environment. He probably thinks that I won't say anything to him or won't fight back since he see's me as timid and views me as an easy target. Even more creepy is he thinks he's in charge, tells me how to do my work, offers to help me, tells me they are going to fire people  b/c "upper manangment" told him and that they are going to keep me and that's why he wants to show me the entire ropes. There's this new gal that started there and he doesn't bother to "show her the ropes" of the job and doesn't talk to her as much. I'm started to see his creepy "gameplan," like he's one of those that will come off as friendly and helpful, wants to give advice , wants to be a shoulder to lean on, offer moral support, will offer to suggest hanging out outside of work, get personal info..isn't that how predators work?

It is a good idea to alert your workplace supervisor or HR department with this information. They may be able to give you additional guidance on how to approach the situation. It's also possible that they have established protocols and procedures in place for dealing with such situations.

Ignoring it and hoping that it will go away is not the best strategy in this case. Additionally, if you don't report the issue, you may be held liable if the issue persists and gets worse. It's important to take action and report it in order to protect yourself and your company.

In the meantime, "I prefer to handle my tasks on my own, but thank you for your offer" may suffice. Inappropriate or sexually suggest comments can be met with "I don’t like when you ask me personal questions at work and would like you to stop." You can also keep a log of all of the inappropriate things that were said so you can give it to your boss.

I would say though that if you are really concerned about your safety then leaving may be your best option. You can never be too careful. Sometimes it's best to remove yourself from the situation and look for a job elsewhere.

That's for THIS incident.

As advised, you'll really need to put in place some strategies for handling work in general. Research strategies that can help you deal with difficult situations in the future. Talk to someone you trust about what you are going through, such as a friend or family member. Consider speaking with a professional therapist for assistance in developing better coping techniques.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Chloeflowers said:

Yup, ignoring isn't going to help in most cases. I need to tell him to piss off in a more professional way due to it be in a work environment. He probably thinks that I won't say anything to him or won't fight back since he see's me as timid and views me as an easy target. Even more creepy is he thinks he's in charge, tells me how to do my work, offers to help me, tells me they are going to fire people  b/c "upper manangment" told him and that they are going to keep me and that's why he wants to show me the entire ropes. There's this new gal that started there and he doesn't bother to "show her the ropes" of the job and doesn't talk to her as much. I'm started to see his creepy "gameplan," like he's one of those that will come off as friendly and helpful, wants to give advice , wants to be a shoulder to lean on, offer moral support, will offer to suggest hanging out outside of work, get personal info..isn't that how predators work?

That’s fine. Believe it or not there will always be those in charge who believe themselves to be in charge but aren’t. And there will be individuals who will assume they know your job. Let them and listen to what he has to say but don’t waste company time idling around listening for too long. Repeat that you have work to do and if he has any concerns report it to his supervisor:

Practice some distance here and stay focused on the work. He’s not the focus. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

 I'm started to see his creepy "gameplan," like he's one of those that will come off as friendly and helpful, wants to give advice , wants to be a shoulder to lean on, offer moral support, will offer to suggest hanging out outside of work, get personal info..isn't that how predators work?

In this case yes, but I'd point out that there are ALSO those in the world who simply enjoy helping people and/or mentoring colleagues without substantive ulterior motives.

In HIS case given the totality of what you've written, it does very much sound like it's all baloney and a transparent effort to make you feel like he's your ally and you owe him one (particularly since he's a contractor and probably has ZERO contact with upper management and so little insight into what they might be thinking). Presumably this is "social engineering" on his part to get you to be more amenable to him as you (putatively) would be "under his wing". So yes, creepy.

But certainly not everyone who mentors folks is like this. Maybe you've had a few bad experiences and so are over-generalizing about "predators"?

Also you seem to be making a leap here to "outside of work/personal information". None of that has happened yet, but yes you might end up needing to put up a very stiff wall of resistance here (which you have already started to do). Since you're (apparently rightfully) uncomfortable around him, the good news is no one can make you interact with him beyond the minimum required to accomplish your work.

Edited May 24, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

Chloe, I almost feel like there has been something in your past that has made you so susceptible and reactive to your working environment.

Certainly, please do not feel like you need to disclose that but the underlying theme seems to be hypervigilance.

I'm wondering if there has been some kind of traumatic experience in your past. Not so much in this case because this particular individual does seem to be exhibiting some odd and inappropriate behavior but it's worth exploring whether there are underlying factors that could be taken into consideration to improve your work environment in general.

[LuckyM]

Strange and too personal yes. He likes you and is being flirty without realizing the big age gap. He is assuming you are a friend  If he was close to your age attractive and single would you feel it is "creepy"?  Surely you will find a nice way to avoid the comments without being nasty

 

 

[Chloeflowers]

20 hours ago, mark clemson said:

In this case yes, but I'd point out that there are ALSO those in the world who simply enjoy helping people and/or mentoring colleagues without substantive ulterior motives.

In HIS case given the totality of what you've written, it does very much sound like it's all baloney and a transparent effort to make you feel like he's your ally and you owe him one (particularly since he's a contractor and probably has ZERO contact with upper management and so little insight into what they might be thinking). Presumably this is "social engineering" on his part to get you to be more amenable to him as you (putatively) would be "under his wing". So yes, creepy.

But certainly not everyone who mentors folks is like this. Maybe you've had a few bad experiences and so are over-generalizing about "predators"?

Also you seem to be making a leap here to "outside of work/personal information". None of that has happened yet, but yes you might end up needing to put up a very stiff wall of resistance here (which you have already started to do). Since you're (apparently rightfully) uncomfortable around him, the good news is no one can make you interact with him beyond the minimum required to accomplish your work.

Yeah, I get there are good mentors/trainers, first job I had years ago before I was laid off, I had several good trainers, they flew in from out of state to train us in the new system. They were never inappropriate, always kept it professional, never asked a bunch of questions like marital status, if I loved my bf, where my bf lives, etc, etc. They had titles of "trainers."  They talked about job related stuff. This man at the warehouse however gives me the creeps, there's a difference-when I think of this creepy man I think that he is "grooming" me. He is trying to gain my trust, be his friend, share my personal life with him, follows me everywhere, tells me that I need to be less timid, thinks he's in charge of me, when he's just a temp worker. He might be a Jeffery Epstein or Harry Weinstein preying on women-that's why I think of him as predator. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

 I think that he is "grooming" me. . He might be a Jeffery Epstein or Harry Weinstein preying on women-that's why I think of him as predator. 

Please try not to criminalize what this guy is doing with an overactive imagination. You already know to disengage and stop sharing personal information. If you really felt he was "a predator", you would have talked to a supervisor.

Just do your job and ignore him. He is not asking you out, saying anything sexual or following you home. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Yeah, I get there are good mentors/trainers, first job I had years ago before I was laid off, I had several good trainers, they flew in from out of state to train us in the new system.

Very good + you're certainly right he's not one of these and it may indeed be true he's attempting to "groom" you. Comparing him to Epstein or Weinstein (or Lauer, or a whole host of others) probably doesn't make too much sense as it's unlikely he's got the social and life skills and power necessary to reach those levels of destructiveness (and that's probably for the better). However, you certainly DO want to do what you can to minimize his attentions so he eventually gives up and leaves you alone.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with WM2.

If you felt that uncomfortable and he's following you around bothering you, you can either speak to a manager/HR or tell him to stop.

You haven't done either and it sounds more like you have an axe to grind at this point versus a genuine concern for yourself.

[glows]

10 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Yeah, I get there are good mentors/trainers, first job I had years ago before I was laid off, I had several good trainers, they flew in from out of state to train us in the new system. They were never inappropriate, always kept it professional, never asked a bunch of questions like marital status, if I loved my bf, where my bf lives, etc, etc. They had titles of "trainers."  They talked about job related stuff. This man at the warehouse however gives me the creeps, there's a difference-when I think of this creepy man I think that he is "grooming" me. He is trying to gain my trust, be his friend, share my personal life with him, follows me everywhere, tells me that I need to be less timid, thinks he's in charge of me, when he's just a temp worker. He might be a Jeffery Epstein or Harry Weinstein preying on women-that's why I think of him as predator. 

I dunno. Does he really have the brain for a predator. He sounds rather plain. 

He could be leaning towards TMI and socially awkward and inappropriate. Still, he is not the focus. Is there any room for growth in the warehouse? I’m wondering if you’d be interested in other opportunities/challenges or projects, less focus on this guy. If so see if you can chat with a supervisor or manager. You can make use of your time here.

[Chloeflowers]

Sometimes I wonder creepiness or possibly he feels threatened by me that I will steal his job. Seeing that he's a temp and I heard him say once his contract with the agency is up-he's going to fill out an application with the company, since he works for the temp agency at the moment. But I always thought "temp to hire" jobs means once they complete their assignment they will get direct hire no matter what, but I could be wrong. Is he trying to push me out/get me to quit by being inappropriate like asking me boyfriend questions? Odd that he doesn't hassle that new girl that's not a temp marital status questions. Do some guys do this to women? 

[NuevoYorko]

Yep, he sounds like a creep.  So just stop paying attention to him and do what you're supposed to be there to do.

This is exactly like what happened at your past job, only with different people behaving in different ways that upset you.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Chloeflowers said:

Sometimes I wonder creepiness or possibly he feels threatened by me that I will steal his job. Seeing that he's a temp and I heard him say once his contract with the agency is up-he's going to fill out an application with the company, since he works for the temp agency at the moment. But I always thought "temp to hire" jobs means once they complete their assignment they will get direct hire no matter what, but I could be wrong. Is he trying to push me out/get me to quit by being inappropriate like asking me boyfriend questions? Odd that he doesn't hassle that new girl that's not a temp marital status questions. Do some guys do this to women? 

Is this guy still bothering you?  Why haven't you shut him down by now?