Cheating Relationship - need h e l p

[123Pinkfreak]

My ex boyfriend and I started dating in June of 2022 and broke up on April 13, 2023. We both moved in together after 5 months of dating. I used to date a guy who I had my son with who is now 4 years old. My child’s father and I broke up because he was emotionally and physically abusive, he also cheated on me while I was eight months pregnant and gave me chlamydia which I voiced to my recent ex. We trauma bonded and he said he was cheated on too after a 5 year relationship which broke him. 

 

About 3 months after my new partner and I moved in together, I became very insecure and started being psychologically abusive and said hurtful things. I would tell him I was going to sleep with other guys when I didn’t get attention and did a lot of immature things for him to prove that he cared to fight for me and show that he “loved me.” I would take pictures of myself naked for him to question my behaviour and wonder who I was sending the pictures to, even though I wasn’t sending them to anyone. I know this is very wrong and I am not proud of my behaviour. I usually self sabotage and push people away when I get into relationships. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. 

 

I found out last month that he went to his ex girlfriends house in February, the girl said they made out and he tried to take her clothes off, however he claimed this did not happen, and insisted that he would take a lie detector test to prove that it didn’t happen if I wanted him to. He said they had a 20 minute conversation and she cried asking to get back together and he ended up leaving. I also found out recently after texting another ex that he messaged her to go for coffee, but she declined. He said he did this because of what I was saying to him and he needed validation from someone who he knew cared about him. He told me he tried to communicate multiple times that he was depressed, but that I didn’t do or say anything about it. I may have not taken it as serious as I should have in hindsight. 

 

In March I found out I was pregnant with his  child. I was upset that he went to his ex girlfriends apartment and lied that he went to his brothers and ignored my calls. He said he did this because he did not feel validated and loved when I was saying those hurtful things for many months. I ended up having an abortion at 3 months pregnant, despite it going against my initial values. I did not think I would be able to take care of myself and after everything I found out I was broken due to PTSD from my previous trauma of getting cheated on. I moved out of our apartment the next day I found out that he cheated. I also lost my job and moved into my parents house. My friends and family have been extremely supportive. 

 

It’s been a month since our breakup. Moving forward he wants to go to couples therapy and as I tried to resist no contact, I caved in and replied to his message. He told me he’ll do anything to regain my trust, that he would give me all of his passwords to his Apple ID, social media, etc. and also told me he is going to therapy and wants to get to the root of our issues so we can make it work this time and hopes that we can also go to therapy together. I wonder if the trust will ever be regained and too much has happened, but another part of me entertains the idea of what if we did this the right away now that we have reflected and are willing to change. Should I give it another chance or accept what’s done is done?

 

I am very confused as he tells me that we both made mistakes and reassured me that if we take the necessary steps that we can have a healthy relationship with guidance of a therapist and hard work. I told him what I did was verbally abusive, but at least I didn’t cheat or follow through with actions. He told me what about people who commit suicide due to bullying because that’s what I did to him which caused him to make the mistake that he did. 

 

I miss him even though what he did was awful. And apart of me is also now questioning if I played a part of our relationship becoming toxic as well. I fear what my family will think if I decide to try and work on things. I told him as of right now I need to focus on myself and learn to love myself. I am currently going to therapy. He said he will give me and himself time to figure out our own individual issues so that we can be better for ourselves and hopefully each other. Please give me advice as  I feel like I need help. I can’t talk to anyone about this aside from my therapist because I fear judgement. 

Edited May 19, 2023 by 123Pinkfreak
Included more info

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, 123Pinkfreak said:

I am very confused as he tells me that we both made mistakes and reassured me that if we take the necessary steps that we can have a healthy relationship with guidance of a therapist and hard work. I told him what I did was verbally abusive, but at least I didn’t cheat or follow through with actions. He told me what about people who commit suicide due to bullying because that’s what I did to him which caused him to make the mistake that he did. 

I am so sorry to hear that you had to terminate your pregnancy. 

The above rings all kinds of alarm bells, not in the least that you think your abusive actions are not as bad as his.  And that you are only "wondering" if your behaviour was part of this relationship becoming toxic.  Do you really not understand the damage actions like you described can do to another?  The type of psychological abuse you describe doing can absolutely destroy people and does terrible harm, including destroying your partner's self esteem and likely causing PTSD.   

The fact that you are comparing actions with his and believe that psychological abuse is a lesser crime than cheating is mind boggling.   It's not less.  It's awful and horrible and is very much equal to cheating.   He certainly should have left rather than cheat, but frankly, I struggle to hold it against him.  Especially as abuse can crush someone so that they lose the self confidence required to leave.  

Couples counselling is not what the two of you need.  Honestly, this sounds all too broken, but if you must keep trying, then individual counselling which you both are apparently doing is the way forward.  Along with understanding what happened, he needs to get some better boundaries and the self confidence to stand against abuse and walk away.   Or if he lacks the confidence to walk away, he needs build the level of confidence to confide what's happening with his friends and loved ones and ask for help.   Meanwhile, I hope you are doing therapy to better manage your own behaviour.

Lastly, if you do go back but can't do it without his passwords etc, don't bother trying.  

 

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You both have been through a lot of hard times together and now he wants to try again with you and is asking for another chance.  Of course, Everyone deserves another chance and if willing to go through therapy for You, I am gathering they are being honest and sincere in wanting the relationship to work.  I f you do decide to go Back, Go slow with him and do not rush anything nor into anything where you end up pregnant again.  Or end up quickly moving in together.  Sure, I see where you BOTH made mistakes but  perhaps Learn by Them and Try to work out not going back to the past again.  You decide.🥰

[JTSW]

On 5/20/2023 at 12:21 AM, 123Pinkfreak said:

I miss him even though what he did was awful. And apart of me is also now questioning if I played a part of our relationship becoming toxic as well.

YOU were the cause of the relationship becoming toxic.

YOU were the one that kicked off this whole mess.

I don't mean to sound mean and I apologise if I come off that way, but you don't seem to be taking ANY responsibility for you did.

You were horrendous to him which started the whole chain of events.

It's obvious you never told your family the things you said and did to him.

You have obviously just painted him as the catalyst to them.

Did he know you were pregnant and aborted his baby?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You are doing the right thing by focusing on you first and learning to love you again and to get back on track.  All you can do is listen to what others may tell you about forgetting your Ex but if your heart is saying to try again then I would go slow the next time and don't jump into anything too soon.  Everyone deserves a second chance.  Only you know if it is worth trying.🥰

[Wiseman2]

On 5/19/2023 at 7:21 PM, 123Pinkfreak said:

, I moved out of our apartment the next day I found out that he cheated. I also lost my job and moved into my parents house. My friends and family have been extremely supportive. 

This is the best thing to do. Continue to take care of yourself and your child. Take care of your physical and mental health.

Please discuss reproductive health with your physician. Discuss effective  long term contraception, emergency contraception and STD prevention. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. You do not owe him an explanation for anything.

[smackie9]

 You shouldn't be reaching out to a bunch of non professional strangers on the net for help. It will only confuse you more or take you in a bad direction and interfere with your therapist's treatment. If you feel the therapy is not helping and you come here out of some desperation or not agreeing with your therapist is saying to you, then find a new therapist or be more vocal in your sessions. It's sounds like your struggles have been incredibly difficult. We all wish we could do more but we can't take this pain and hurt you feel away from you. I wish you all the best and hope you can find peace in your life again.

[Calmandfocused]

First things first Op: 

Get yourself on some birth control, save any more accidental pregnancies happening amongst all this drama. 
 

On that note: you owe it to your 4 year old son to calm your life down and get some stability for him.
 

Have you considered how the past year has been for him? You’ve moved him from pillar to post, man in, man out, one house, then another. The poor thing! 
 

My advice is that you stablise your home , your work, your family and yourself even before you go near another man, whether it be this one or another. 
 

And please get to know the man a while before you catapult him into your child’s life. 

[BaileyB]

I think you are very wise to attend therapy and I think you would benefit from some time as a single person before searching for another relationship.

I would not go backwards, only forward. 

[Alvino Martins]

Cheating is a breach of trust regardless of gender or orientation, and it's important to hold everyone accountable for their actions. If one partner suspects the other of cheating, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation about the concerns and work towards rebuilding trust if both parties are willing.

While it's difficult to predict the future of any relationship, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and assess whether the relationship is healthy and fulfilling for you. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in navigating these complex emotions and helping you make informed decisions about your future.

Remember to prioritize your own happiness and surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who can provide guidance during this challenging time.

[stillafool]

I think you would be wise to continue therapy and stay out of relationships until you heal.  To me it seems that you were the one who set off the chain of events through your insecurity.  The relationship is now toxic for both of you.  I wish you well in your healing.