Am I totally psycho?

[Peachykeane]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. I love him dearly but I'm going to end up losing him. He's still very much involved with his ex fiancé's family and friends. I found it difficult to understand when we first met given that they didn't have kids or anything. As our relationship has progressed he has distanced himself from a lot of them. Especially ones who tried causing trouble during the early stages of our relationship. However, her best friend is still very much a larger part of his life than I would like her to be. 

His behaviour when it comes to her is bizarre. He insists it's just a platonic thing. And yet when he goes to meet her for a drink when I'm not around, his behaviour is so weird. He'll go totally radio silent then if I message or call him he'll be really cagey. It just makes my spidey senses tingle a bit. And to top it off, there hasn't been one weekend for the last few months that hasn't involved us meeting her for drinks. We only see each other at weekends due to work and distance, and I end up with his ex's best friend who always manages to bring the conversation round to his ex. And I have been told that she does report back to his ex. When I try explaining how uncomfortable I am with all this, he calls me narcissisticly jealous.

Am I? Am I being totally unreasonable? A complete psycho? 

[ShyViolet]

Oh there is no way I'd continue this relationship.  This is all completely inappropriate and not normal.  And he gaslights you by calling you narcissistic and jealous when you raise concerns about it.  This guy needs to get dumped.  He is clearly not over his ex and playing mind games with you.  If you have any self-respect then you won't tolerate this.

[semble]

If nothing else point out that the term narcissist is way overused and he's not qualified to diagnose others (unless he's a licensed, trained and experienced mental health professional).

[Lotsgoingon]

You are quite grounded in reality. And honestly, you need to dump this guy. Don't even negotiate. Don't even explain.

This is not acceptable behavior on his part. It's relationship-destroying behavior. A fundamental rule of dating is we have to feel safe. Physically safe and emotionally safe. Safe meaning we can trust the person. We don't spend time worrying over who they are meeting with. This guy going out and going silent while with the ex's bf. Oh heck no.

Are you sharing this crazy behavior of his with your friends and family? Please start sharing. You sound isolated and self doubting, when in reality, you have every reason to be worried and raging.  You would benefit from telling friends and family and getting their support for your worry here.  It's like there's a blaring alarm going off and plumes of black smoke filling the room and you're asking, "am I wrong to worry?" Uh. No! That's real smoke, and that's a loud alarm.

Sometimes when it hurts to see the truth, it helps to have friends confirm our view of reality. We're serving the friend role here. 

Dump this dude. He's no good for you. 

Edited May 20, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

What a bizarre situation this is.

How dare he call you jealous when you're standing up for yourself? His opinion must be the envy of all his friends!

He clearly places the relationship with his former fiancé's friend above your own.

Three is a crowd. I would free myself from this hot mess. He has no right to accuse you of jealousy and make you feel inferior. You should not continue to be part of this unhealthy triangle and it's time to make a stand.

[MikeAndTheMechanics52]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Oh there is no way I'd continue this relationship.  This is all completely inappropriate and not normal.  And he gaslights you by calling you narcissistic and jealous when you raise concerns about it.  This guy needs to get dumped.  He is clearly not over his ex and playing mind games with you.  If you have any self-respect then you won't tolerate this.

Yes!! So much this....Completely inappropriate. NOBODY should call you a narcissist unless they have a CV that says 'I am a doctor'. Gaslighting. 

No bueno, OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/19/2023 at 10:46 PM, Peachykeane said:

A complete psycho? 

This tells me very clearly you are being gaslighted and emotionally manipulated by this man, but also that you lack self-worth. Nobody in their right mind would question if they are a "a complete psycho" for identifying bad behaviour in a boyfriend. 

For me, this guy would have been discarded to the Reject Pile a while ago. No way would I give him the time of day anymore. He's clearly got an emotional tie to his ex and her best friend, and you are just there as the third wheel for entertainment. 

Do better for yourself and dump him. It's never going to become the relationship you would like. 

[JTSW]

First ask him how he would feel if you continued to meet up with your ex's best friend consistently.

I can guarantee he would have something to say about it.

Then dump the pos because he has no respect for you or your feelings at all.

[MikeAndTheMechanics52]

38 minutes ago, JTSW said:

First ask him how he would feel if you continued to meet up with your ex's best friend consistently.

I can guarantee he would have something to say about it.

Then dump the pos because he has no respect for you or your feelings at all.

Such sensible approach. Listen to this one!!

[smackie9]

If this is the only relationship where you feel you are losing your mind, the common denominator is him. He is making you doubt, feel crazy because that's what those who gaslight expect you to do. It's to divert blame onto you so they can continue what they are doing. This is a toxic situation that you cannot fix or change. You can only play by his rules if you stay. he will continue to silence you anytime you try to stand up for yourself. You are only letting your self esteem go down the toilet. Get your control/self worth back. Dump his a$$.

Edited May 22, 2023 by smackie9