Friends. or rekindling slowly?

[No Fooolin]

First of all, let me present myself as being a new member who's only ever had one real girlfriend in the past, and married here. We knew each other for a bit over 6 years.

We separated in 2021, divorced, and then I met someone after almost a year and a half, when I felt ready. I found her online and she wanted to meet me after a phone conversation we shared. I liked the fact that she wanted to hear my voice, she said "it's always good to hear a voice". I'm old-fashioned (45 yrs old, so is she), so that spoke to me more than texting. Which we still do occasionally.

 

Anyway, so I we've been seeing each other for a bit over a month, and visited each other maybe three times before I was invited to stay over at her place. The morning after i slept there, (in the morning after she went to drive her son to work), we were alone and got intimate. It was quite fun for us both, we used protection and everythign for the most part, felt okay. Let's just say it felt more okay for her than for me. But it was all good.

A week later, I invited her to my place where we both were sexually active after ten o'clock. It seemed as though she was able to really get off on me during that time, and she got tired before me. I was willing to go for a longer time, but we ended it because, well because i did not achieve orgasm.

Fast forward a month, during which she had her period, so (sexual) intimacy was interrupted, and we come to another weekend at her place where the Saturday morning results in another short (20 minute) session of passion. Let me interrupt here to say these facts:

- She is a mornign person. usually gets up at 5:30, walks her dog, does a workout, and either leaves for work or comes back to bed on Sat/Sun days. She has had four children. She is roughly the same dimensions as me, 5' 8", and is someone who expects her partner to be assertive in sex.

- I am not really a morning person, I get up around 7. I need food (so does she but not a much as me), have a typically lower blood pressure than most men, am slim (due to Gluten intolerance that went untreated for years),  and am usually full force in the late morning-during the day, or even until about eleven o'clock at night. I have only ever had my ex-wife as a sexual partner, and I usually was the one suggesting different positions/activities. I like different positions

After this last Saturday I was describing, where our intimacy lasted about twenty minutes, she got a bit "cold", and the following sunday, when we went biking, she came over to my place and kissed me (passionately, for "fun" she said) and told me "sorry we didn't get to have sexy time. You had your chance. Maybe later during the week"

Well, later that week I went to visit her at her place and I bought her flowers, and we talked, even though she was quite tired, and she suggested that "we scale it down". when asked if I agree we should do this due to differences in scheduling, my lack of being to sleep at her place (I did not previously mention this here, but I did have difficulty sleeping at her place for various reasons), I answered, "well, I guess , if you want to, I mean... all this makes me thnk is... like I'm a second-rate man. It's kinda going backwards"... If you want to, and if you think it's right. I mean honestly, within one week of knwing her, she was talking about moving in together eventually, was asking me finacial questions (she is very much able to finance her own condo and doesn't need help, so I know she's not after money. She makes wayy more than me!) and even talking to me about how she'd picture her perfect marriage... And yes, we had had sex within the second week of meeting... so she already was aware of this aspect yet still considered me as a partner for life. She admitted she was obviously firstly attaracted to my looks, then my lifestyle. Both points which I thanked her and told her I am flattered.

So, for her to then say, after a fourth go in the sack, that "I had my chance", it's not like she specifically told me to do anything, well, and now basically wants us to scale it doen by "let's get to know each other as friends, because I have the feeling we moved too fast (she did admit that was her fault)", then IM left thinking...

WTH? 

Have I said enough? Is our relationship doomed? she doesn't even want us to kiss anymore... I am very sad, as I am an emotional man, and she actually likes that. Plus we've always communicated very well.

Thank you in advance for your help.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, No Fooolin said:

  I we've been seeing each other for a bit over a month, and visited each other maybe three times before I was invited to stay over at her place.  

 Unfortunately you seem incompatible on just about every level from sexuality to finances to lifestyle.  It seems like too much too soon and too heavily focused on sexual performances. 

It's only 30 days dating and already there seems to be considerable headaches with regard to her lifestyle and you two seem significantly sexually incompatible.

As far as sexual energy. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.  Discuss whatever issues you may be having in the sexual department.

Yes unfortunately this seems like it's not going to work out. You have quite a list of complaints about her.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, No Fooolin said:

Is our relationship doomed? she doesn't even want us to kiss anymore

If she doesn't even want to kiss anymore, yes, I would say this is as good as done. 

But you seem completely incompatible anyway. I don't see this having worked out in the long run. It's disappointing, but I don't think you are right for each other at all. 

[Measure]

I’ve got a question for you, are you on pain medication or other pharmaceuticals for medical reasons?  I ask this because you mentioned having trouble finishing.  I was on opiates for several years and it could take me hours to finish *if* I didn’t get my mind right.  Believe me, women don’t enjoy hour-long sessions all the time and they especially do not like it when a guy can’t finish.  It makes them feel unattractive, or so I’ve been told.  If this is the case there are things you can do to help you finish sooner.

Also, just a suggestion, in the future if you stay at someone’s place for the weekend try to fit in with their schedule.  Consider it a vacation, leave your “standards” at home.  

As to the issue of what you should do, it seems like there’s a bit more to it than you posted, however, what happened doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over but I would definitely take a step back.  If you two were discussing “moving in together” after a month it was moving way too fast anyway.  Make her chase you a bit, meaning don’t outcontact her.  Do not let yourself get in the friend zone either.  If possible spend time at a neutral site (hotel for the night, weekend getaway, etc).  Especially have sex at a neutral site and finish in reasonable time so she feels like she drives you wild.  Fun and passion is the name of the game.  If you manage all that properly you’ll reel her back in, if you want to that is.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're missing the basic truth here. This woman's behavior makes no sense--in other words, stay away!

"within one week of knowing her, she was talking about moving in together ... even talking to me about how she'd picture her perfect marriage.  

Game over right there.

 

[JTSW]

You are both so incompatible.

She is very full on, you are not.

She picked up on it and made the best decision to scale back.

You don't seem right for each other at all.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

In my own Opinion, Things moved way too fast.  Mainly sex.  I didn't actually even see you both going slow to nurse and nurture a potential relationship.  She is the wise one to tone it down and start off as friends and to get to know each other more.  I am onboard with this.  However, If she continues to treat you as a friend and not someone she can see herself getting more serious with in the Future, Then you will know she is just into a companionship sort of thing.  The woman has 4 kids so she is going to want to be cautious in finding Mr. Right and a "Dad" for her kids.  The ball is in your court.😑

Edited May 24, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[stillafool]

On 5/13/2023 at 1:31 AM, No Fooolin said:

So, for her to then say, after a fourth go in the sack, that "I had my chance", it's not like she specifically told me to do anything, well, and now basically wants us to scale it doen by "let's get to know each other as friends, because I have the feeling we moved too fast (she did admit that was her fault)", then IM left thinking...

WTH? 

Have I said enough? Is our relationship doomed? she doesn't even want us to kiss anymore... I am very sad, as I am an emotional man, and she actually likes that. Plus we've always communicated very well.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Well you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, so.....   Is scaling back to friends working for you?  If not, tell her you're not looking for new friends but wish her well and bounce.  Seriously life is short and it's not worth playing games or being celebate when you want a relationship and sex.  Find someone else.