I slept in a bed with someone else and bf is furious

[tulsajf]

Boyfriend (27) and I(21) have been together for a year.

I was at a friend's house last Saturday. It wasnt really a party but we were all drinking heavily. I was very drunk and high and had to lay down because I couldnt keep my eyes open so I went to a bedroom and did that. I was just planning on closing my eyes for a few minutes but I completely passed out. A friend of mine at some point laid down with me. My boyfriend was supposed to come pick me up later. I was not answering my phone so he just came over. He found me in bed with this dude. I was still out of it, he had to carry me to the car. I remember some of the car ride. 

The next day we got into a fight. I didn't fully comprehend what he was angry about until he explained it to me. It was obviously extremely inappropriate and I wish it would not have happened. My friend didn't think it was a big deal and nothing happened between us. My boyfriend doesn't trust my friend and said anything could have happened and a man would not have done that unless he at least thought he was getting something from it. I think he is wrong on that.  My boyfriend can't know nothing happened for sure so what steps should I take to heal this between us?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, tulsajf said:

.My boyfriend can't know nothing happened for sure so what steps should I take to heal this between us?

Please get help for the binge drinking. If you are passing out and having blackouts it's dangerous for you.  Your friends don't seem trustworthy if they see you passed out and decided to hop in bed with you. It's sad that you think the BF is wrong, when he's the one who came and got you out of there safely. 

[meeji]

I agree. That guy who got in bed with you is suspect. Most of the time, the male friend is orbiting waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. I had friends like that who confessed the moment I was single. My bf was right that they liked me but I was obvious. He was jealous but I have to admit that he was right...

Men know men so if they don't trust the guys around you there is probably more to it then paranoia. 

 

 

[JTSW]

Turn this around and imagine that it was you that found your bf in bed with another girl.

You would also think that is very inappropriate.

Nothing may have happened but your friend shouldn't have gottten on that bed with you.

Also, a big fault is yours because of the excessive drinking.

It if causes problems then you may need to quite drinking.

Anyone can take advantage of you while you're passed out.

 

[Blind-Sided]

OK... lesson learned.  But there are several issues here. 

1) You want to party without your BF, and you wind up "Sleeping" in someone else's bed.  These kind of choices are fun (we were all young at one time) but it will absolutely devalue you as a woman.

2) The other is deciding to drink and get high.  I've had several friends and family members die from these habits. And the one person who I still associate with who is a "Pill Popper".... he looks awful, and has a lot of health issue. These habits destroy relationships, and families.  Make the right choice on this early. 

As a stranger looking in from the outside.... your BF had every right to be angry.  He cares for you, and he is already in a relationship with you... and is looking out for your best interests, and your well being. and this leads us into the last point.....

3) your "Friend" really isn't your friend.  AND... your BF is 100% absolutely right. I'm assuming the "Friend" is a guy.  He wants you.  PERIOD !  He wants you to get drunk/high, and wants you in a physical way.  AND... you should absolutely not be talking about relationship issues with another guy who may have interests in you. 

I don't know if you can fix the hurt you caused your BF.... but you shouldn't continue to put yourself in a position of vulnerability around this other guy.  It's going to end poorly. 

You know what you did was wrong... put yourself on the right path before you become a statistic. 

Edited May 10, 2023 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

3 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

3) your "Friend" really isn't your friend.  AND... your BF is 100% absolutely right. I'm assuming the "Friend" is a guy.  He wants you.  PERIOD !  He wants you to get drunk/high, and wants you in a physical way.  AND... you should absolutely not be talking about relationship issues with another guy who may have interests in you. 

 

I needed to quote myself to expand on this. 

When I was your age... I dated a pretty little girl, who I was madly in love with. We were together for almost 5 years.  I even worked for her dad, and I raced motocross with her brother. I was super tight with her entire family, and I was on the verge of asking her to marry me.  The one day... she came over to my house, and broke up with me for some BS reasons, and she wouldn't even give me a chance to make things right.  A few weeks later, I found out she was dating one of the fringe guys in our friends group.  BUT... since I was so tight with her brother... about a month after the break up... he came to me and said... "you know she was hanging out with him a few months before she broke up with you."    I was absolutely crushed. After investing all that time into our relationship... the realty was she "Cheated" on me. 

OK.... you may ask why I told you that story ??   The reason is... I went 30 years with hurt in my heart from her... and I never needed/wanted to talk with her again.  BUT... I recently had some issues, and she was the first person I reached to because I wanted "Life Answers".    She told me that she was so very sorry, and wanted to reach back out, but didn't because of the guilt. She said when she was young, she didn't see it at cheating as they were not having sex until long after we broke up.... but now as an adult... she clearly can see that it was more or less an emotional affair, and it was much easier to be happy with what "Her Friend" was talking to her about... and continue to be angry at me for some very superficial things. AND.... to not let me try to make it up to her when she finally decided to tell me we were done. She also admitted that "The Friend" was helpful at first, but then was the one telling her to break up with me if she was unhappy. 

This happens more than you know.  I carried the hurt around for 30 years from this.  NO... not on a level that kept me from living my life, or having other meaningful relationships... but it was always there.  Don't ever do this to someone you care about. 

My 2 cents, take it for what it's worth. 

[tulsajf]

I don't really think my boyfriend is wrong. It was very inappropriate and clearly not ok for someone in a relationship. I just don't think my friend had any bad intentions but I could be really wrong. I care more about my boyfriend's comfort than anything to do with my friend. I don't plan on being in this kind of situation again I just wish I could assure bf of that

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, tulsajf said:

. I don't plan on being in this kind of situation again I just wish I could assure bf of that

You can. Make a commitment to yourself to cut down on partying and especially drugs and excess drinking. You'll avoid bad situations, respect yourself more and other people will respect you for having control over your life and actions.

[mark clemson]

Clearly the main issue is that you wound up unconscious due to drug use (alc is a drug, after all). As others have made clear here, the root of the problem is you putting yourself in such a vulnerable position to begin with.

If your BF is primarily blaming your friend, well, there's probably little changing his mind on that and you might consider reducing contact with this friend. It's possible to have "friends" you barely ever see, or barely talk to when you do see them (your probably have at least a couple of these yourself) and your friendship with him could go that route.

Jealousy is a strong emotion, and it might be wise to stop trying to convince your BF that your friend is "not an issue". To your BF, he is an issue, so the straightforward thing to do is just drop the friend.

IF your BF is primarily blaming YOU for what happened beyond the getting too wasted part, that is another matter, as you're aren't exactly in control of who might lay down next to you if you're completely passed out. IF he is the type of man who e.g. blames the woman when she gets raped (they are certainly out there), you might consider looking for a more reasonable/less misogynistic BF. However it doesn't sound like that's the case.

[semble]

If I was him I'd have a really tough time trusting you to be responsible. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Actions speak louder than promises of better behavior going forward.

 

[smackie9]

You messed up. Apologize to your BF and tell him he is correct. You need to completely own this one, and change your ways. Seriously never party like that unless you are with GFs in a safe place and everyone is watching out for each other. Even tho you think these guys are friends, if the temptation is there, a decision in the moment is made, you could get yourself raped. I was sexually assaulted at a party by my hubby's trusted friend. No one was intoxicated, and my husband was there but outside on a balcony. There were even others in the room when it happened. He just came up behind me. So I'm telling you, you need to wise up, and don't put yourself in situations like that. Anything can happen girl. You just never know.