What might be going on and how to overcome?

[Farrell]

Hello,

 

I have been in what I can only describe as a happy, intimate and emotionally connected relationship with my partner for 9 years. Some recent external stresses have effected us both in different ways and it resulted in her leaving and in effect, disowning me overnight. He attitude is one of complete indifference. My family tried to call her to chat but she alluded to feeling traumatised by everything that happened prior to her leaving yet bar the odd irritable moment on both sides, the ere has been no scraping sessions, no name calling, no slamming of doors etc, though she does express that what few arguments we have had as being traumatic. I should add that she was married to a man previously for 23 years, they stopped being intimate after she fell pregnant with her second daughter, and for the remaining 20 years, had no physical contact whatsoever. He later admitted being gay, and the relationship broke down. when asked why she stayed in a loveless marriage, she said 'we just acted like friends, and I didn't want to cause a fuss'. She had a few short relationships of a mon Thor two but she tells me she had never had a single argument with her husband in 23 years and mine is the only relationship she had had when arguments have occurred. She is minimising the extent of the good in our relationship and dramatically exaggerating the times we have words. To her having come form a background without a single argument, she feels ours have been so bad as to be intolerable, yet the argument sewer have had have been low level, an every short in time, seconds only. One thing, when impsiotant things have come ip that needed discussion, she has avoided those discussions entirely, or just says things that will deflect.

In the 9 years we have been together, I never joined up the dots, but looking back, I believe my partner was something of a people pleaser (suggested by a friend), not that I am overly familiar with the term.

She always seemed happy to listen to whatever music I wanted to listen to, same with the tv shows we watched, bands we went to see, places I wanted to visit. Never in the 9 years did she express her own opinions or say she wanted to do something else. Other examples were include she seemed unable to make a decision about basic things like what we had for dinner, insisting I decide, and when problems came up and I offered solutions, she either avoided having any meaningful discussion, or simply agreed to whatever my suggestion was, only later do I find out that she wasn't in agreement at all. She would also change her views depending on who was present, and things we agreed on one day, like visiting a restaurant etc, she would deny ever having the conversation if friends came round and the subject of where to go and eat came up. Lots of other examples. She doted on me, fawned even through the entire 9 years and told me frequently how happy she was, even days before she left. Then 9 years in, having never once expressed any dissatisfaction or concern of our relationship, we had a minor 10 second disagreement and she left, packed her back, moved out and has since refused to speak with me, saying no point in talking, nothing will change, despite never telling me what she wants to change.

Overnight she has gone from near on idealising me and our relationship to one of complete indifference. We had some external stress that resulted in me getting a little overwhelmed, and irritable, basic stuff, but she describes us arguing all the time over everything, despite when I ask her to give me any examples, she just refuses to speak. I am at a loss. We were so close and so connected until without warning she has left. When she left, she returned every present I had bought her, all the jewellery and other gifts, including her engagement ring. I should add, we wont did our wills a month before she left, telling me she felt settled now, knowing if anything happened to either of us, the other was cared for.

I have tried calling her, messaging and emailing, all correspondence about us ignored. She will though message about eh dog we have or about post that comes for her. 

 

I. do not know how to resolve this situation, and would very much like us to find a way through.

Some thought on what might be going on would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry, but if you want people to think about what's going on here, you will need to give details about the "recent external stresses" and stop trying to put this all down to her being a people pleaser or whatever.

Whatever happened to end a 9 year "happy, intimate and emotionally connected relationship" did not just come up out of the blue.

If you truly want to stick to that narrative, then you have the answer right in front of you:  You've been oblivious to the woman the whole time.

[Farrell]

I probably haven't worked things well, I will reword it later, to make the situation clearer. I stress, my partner has not done anything wrong, and once I have reworded things, some helpful opinion would be much appreciated.

[Alpacalia]

I feel like there's something more going on in her head than meets the eye.

Her response is reminiscent of feeling betrayed or taken advantage of. Which external stressors were there?

She was likely afraid of the judgment and stigma she would receive from society if she left the marriage. People in her social circles were likely aware that her husband was gay, and she may not have wanted to deal with the consequences of it becoming public knowledge. The peace and companionship of a non-arguing relationship clearly suited her, even though it lacked the love she wanted. She had been in a loveless marriage for so long that it had become the norm for her.

As someone who was used to not working on her relationship, she was content with the status quo and felt that she had nothing to gain from a new relationship. She resigned herself to living her life without love, but with peace.

Now that external stressors and arguments have ensued, it's rattled her.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Farrell said:

 My family tried to call her to chat but she alluded to feeling traumatised by everything that happened prior to her leaving. 

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is step back for now. Apparently this has been building over time and the lastest conflict was the last straw. Her level of conflict tolerance doesn't seem as high as yours, and she seems to have been agreeable simply to avoid more conflicts. Let the dust settle. Don't ask your family to get involved.

[ShyViolet]

No one snaps their fingers and decides overnight to end a 9-year relationship.  I'm sure this was simmering inside of her for a while.  She was unhappy and wanted to leave but never expressed it, until it all came bubbling to the surface.  She sounds really, really bad at communication.  She went along with the relationship very passively and never expressed any opinions of her own for so long.  How was that in itself not a red flag to you, that she never expressed any opinions?  It sounds like she basically had no personality.

It's not your place to psychoanalyze her.  I understand that you want to "resolve" this, but she is her own person who gets to decide whether she wants to be with you or not.  She has made it clear that she is done with this relationship.  You need to respect her decision.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, if she can leave you after a nothing conflict, then she isn't relationship material.

She may need time alone to process her people pleasing (to get rid of it). That's a serious problem. 

[Farrell]

I couldn’t edit, this is a clearer version of what’s happened. I’m very confused but it all.

 

Myself and my partner A, had been together 9 years.

Before moving in with me, A told me that she married before, but when she got pregnant with her second child, all physical contact with her husband ended. No holding hands, spooning in bed, nothing, not even a single kiss in 20 before he eventually admitted he was gay and left the marriage. I was A’s next partner. I asked A why she didn’t do anything to challenge what to me seemed something of an odd relationship, given none of her needs were being met. She told me she didn’t want to make a fuss.  I found it hard to believe that she could avoid uncomfortable discussions about her marriage but she said she found it easier not to bring up any problems.

I should add, myself and A were very close physically and emotionally, best friends, our mutual friends referred to us as lovebirds, but as close as we were, some underlying issues repeated.

On my part, I lost my calm a few times over the years for reasons I say below. I have used the term “ for f***s sake will you talk to me so I understand” or “for f***s sake why are you resistant to letting your brother help”  on a family matter that I go on to talk about. I have never slammed a door, thrown anything, called her names, made so much as a single threat and we have never once spent a night apart in separate beds.
 

A said to me that she and her husband of 23 years in total had never had a single argument, and that I was her only partner where disagreements had occurred. She appeared to avoid discussions of uncomfortable subjects when we were together, and was from my own observation, conflict avoidant to even minor disagreements. Her disposition was always that of being jolly, of being bright and bubbly, and a total pleasure to be around.

We dated for 6 years and in that time we had two arguments that were kind of related though very different subjects. Both occurred whilst we were on holiday abroad. In the first argument, I was trying to resolve a difference of opinion on taking it in turns to drive whilst we were on a driving holiday. When I asked A to share the driving, which was agreed prior to us leaving the UK, she failed to respond at all. I rephrased the request which was polite the first time and still polite but a firmer request the second. Instead of saying why she didn’t want to share the driving, A remained silent. She looked engaged, but simply said nothing, which then began to irritate me immensely. On the third time of asking, I got annoyed and with a raised voice simply said it was unfair to leave it all to me, I walked off with the hump, and we later got on with our holiday. A always referred to this holiday as one of the best she had had, never again mentioning our disagreement.

On our second holiday some years later with friends, we had been going to places that our friends wanted and we just followed them around, as our requests to go to places we wanted to fell on deaf ears. One day myself and A agreed that we would do our own thing the next day and that if our friends wanted to come with us they could, but if not, we would go to where we had agreed we wanted to go. Despite making this commitment to each other, when our friends asked if we wanted to go with them the next day to a particular place, A said sure, we have made no plans, leaving me to explain that in actual fact we had agreed to our own plans and that they were welcome to come with us. A said that nothing was ever agreed and that she was happy to follow where our friends wanted to go. It left me dumbfounded. These two incidents are relevant as A cited our two arguments in holiday years ago as reasons for her leaving me now.

When A asked to move into my home 3 years or so ago, due to Covid restrictions, she told me that she would only move in on certain conditions, despite it not even being my idea. The first was that I asked my lodger of many years to move out, the second was that her own house had a nicer kitchen and bathroom and that she wanted me to agree to having a new kitchen and bathroom installed, of which she would pay half. This was the start of our domestic difficulties that followed a pattern. I agreed to do whatever she wants to enable my house to feel like her home.

A recommend some friends that run kitchen company. The installation was slow and the workmanship very poor, the tiling was wonky, electrics kept cutting out, the sink wasn’t installed properly, the flooring and ceiling were poorly installed and so on. As they were A’s friends, as I dealt with the workmen on site in our home, I asked A to speak with her friends, the boses if you like, to get them to oversee the work to ensure it was up to a reasonable standard. A agreed to call them, but days later when I asked how she got on, A made a number of excuses as to why she hadn’t called them. A few requests by me for A to follow up the snag list with the boses was met with the same response, agreeing to call them or even go in, but never doing so. In the end I had to go in and get agreement for the work to be done to a reasonable standard. When I asked A why she didn’t feel able to speak to her friends, whom we were paying a considerable amount of money, A stayed silent. I asked softly as in passing, the same is if you asked someone if they had checked to see if we had any post. Not abrupt or even direct. A never answered, and it was this silence I found frustrating. In the end I gave up asking because having asked a number of times what the problem with contacting her friends, or if there was a reason she felt unable to do so, and after each requests was met by silence, the silence led me to feel frustrated and that then my voice was raised as I said it felt like the burden of the kitchen issues were being left to me.

Shortly after the kitchen was finished, A’s parents who lived 10 miles way became poorly with mild dementia symptoms. A would go to work each day, then once she finished, she would go to see her parents, doing her utmost to care for them. In the months that followed, A pulled herself so thinly that she was making herself unwell with the stress of trying to work and care for her parents. I then suggested she ask her brother to help share the load of phone calls, hospital visits, and so on. A said that she would ask him, given he wasn’t far away and had plenty time to help. More time passed and A is still doing all the parent care herself, having not asked her brother for help. One night she was crying over the stress of it all. I again suggested she ask her brother to help. She said she would ask him as it was getting too much for her. She also received a formal warning from her employer for both taking too much time off and for not giving her job full attention when she was there. She faced dismissal if things didn’t improve. I know this to be true as I have seen the formal disciplinary letter from her employer. That night I again asked her to ask her brother to share the load, but when I raised the point that she had said she would ask him many times but then never did so, asking what was the problem, she then stayed silent, leaving me frustrated. I wasn’t shouting at that point but this scenario continued, her crying continued, she was loosing weight because she wasn’t eating or sleeping properly and when every effort I had made to get her to ask for help failed, I then reached my own breaking point and said in a raised voice, “ what’s the problem with asking your brother for help” and when A stayed silent, I did shout, “why don’t you answer me, I’m trying to help”. A stayed silent again and it was only when her job risk increased further did she even ask her brother to help. He was fine and stepped in right away.

The same scenario happened over a health issue A had. She experience a constant running nose, leaving her to blow her nose about 20-30 times an hour, from the moment of waking until bedtime, spring, summer, autumn and winter. She was waking up in the night to blow her nose, waking me up in the process, but in daytime hours, we would go to kiss and I would at times be left with snot on my upper lip, or we would be in the throws of passion and she would stop to blow her nose. The sides of her nose were red raw, and as a result, I suggested she give the Doctor a ring to get checked out. She initially said the doctor wouldn’t be interested in her minor problem, but having discussed the impact of her nose on her sleep, her nose being red raw, and it’s effect on me when we are being intimate, she agree to go. Weeks passed and when I asked if she had been, she said she had been too busy but would go soon. Soon came and went and each time I asked her about seeing the doctor, she said I’ll call tomorrow, only not to do so. One day when her nose running was pretty bad, I asked her why she hadn’t gone to the doctor, and she said she didn’t want to be a nuisance to the doctor as they are only there for emergencies. She did agree to call though but again never did. I then asked her why she felt unable to go to thr doctor given her nose was so red raw as to making it painful for A to even blow her nose. A gave no explanation and stayed silent. Asking her to talk to me so I could understand her reasoning for not going, given how unwell her nose was, she stayed silent again. It was then I raise my voice begging to go to the doctor. She did, and with medication her nose drip issue cleared up in days. Talking about it later, she said he nose drip issue stated some 30 years before and that she never felt it was an issue. The whole thing left me frustrated.

The next thing which followed a similar pattern was sharing the cooking duties. I worked full time and A part time. I had suggested when A moved in, that we shared cooking duties. A agreed. She had cooked me lovely meals when I visited her at her own house and always completed her on her cooking ability. Having agreed we would share the cooking duties once she moved in, A would find a reason for not cooking on her days, like I’m going to do the washing or I’ve got phone calls to make. She would always agree to cook the next day, until the next day came, and it was left for me to cook, even when I was working and A was on a day off. We would discuss cooking duties frequently and A would always agree to share the cooking load, only not to do so. When I then approached the issue of things being unfair, and could A at least help me to understand what her reasoning was not to share the cooking duties, A would stay silent. I’d ask again, softly, politely etc, only for A not to answer. Eventually the not answering bugged me and sure enough, my voice would get louder as I repeatedly asked her to help me understand the problem. Each time I was met with total,silence. No explanation at all. For the entire 3 years we lived together, I cooked something like 28 out of 30 nights a month. I never got to the bottom of why A didn’t feel able to cook. But on the few nights she was willing, she insisted I decide what we were having and for me to tell her how to cook it, despite instructions being on thr box. So I either cooked every night or had to be involved in her cooking, despite me knowing she was a great cook in her son right.

Lastly, having asked me for the elite house to be renovated once she moved in, like the kitchen, everything was left to me to sort, and requests for A’s help or involvement was met with ok, sure I’ll help, only for her not to do so.When there were lists of snags that needed resolving, A simply avoided the conversation of helping, and when pushed as to why she wouldn’t help, not least because her work had settled and her parents were getting the care they needed, A simply went silent on me.

Aside from the few things listed about that never got resolved, myself and A barely had a cross word in 9 years. We were very close intimately, held hands every night whilst watching tv, spend much of our spare time visiting towns and cities, she told me most days how happy she was, often referring to me being the love of her life. We did our wills a month before she left, so that in the event anything happened to either of us, the other was taken care off. Those few reoccurring issues aside, she doted on me as I did here, I would go so far to say she fawned over me, nothing was ever too much. Aside from the same few  things that never got resolved, me and A barely had a cross word.

A never complained about anything I had said or done in the entire 9 years we were together. She was very helpful on washing and ironing, shopping and other domestics but what I had picked up,is that A could never make a decision. I would ask what she wanted to eat for dinner and it was always “ whatever you want”. Same with where shall we go,out tonight, what shall we watch on tv, if she wanted to socialising or not, have friends round or not. Every decision about our social life that I asked what she wanted to do, her reply was always the same,” I don’t mind, whatever you want to do”.

A went in a 3 week holiday in January, came back when the house renovations were in mid flow, it was chaos trying to,live in the house at the time. It was stressful for a variety of reasons.

In the morning of the day of her leaving, A said to me that she was grateful I had spent so much money making my house a home for her. She told me that she adored our life, that I was thr love of her life and that we were so lucky to have each other. Hours later we had 10 second disagreement over her mobile phone not working and her expection of me having to take responsibility for it to be fixed and when I objected as I had too much on what with the house renovations that I had needed her help with, and with but no help ever being forthcoming, A said she had had enough and was leaving.

She left. A week later she emails me to say she wasn’t coming back, with her saying she was unhappy that we argued on holiday 8 years previous, that I had snapped at her a few times in recent weeks (I had) and that when we had been to the pub with friends a couple of weeks before, I had not paid her enough attention, despite me holding her hand all night and we were with friends and everyone seemed to be talking to each other. It left me dumbfounded.

She now said we are completely incompatible and has treated me and our relationship with completed indifference. It’s like I was nothing to her, and our lovely life of 9 years meant nothing. One day I’m the love of her life and she can’t live without me, so to speak, the next complete indifference. I’m just at a loss as to what might be going on.

 

[NuevoYorko]

Ok, thanks for the details.

I'm sorry.  That all sounds very painful.  

Your ex seems to have a couple of serious issues; the main one being her complete passivity.   It would be very difficult to conduct a relationship with a person who behaves like that whenever a decision needs to be made or a disagreement occurs.  

Since she has been consistently this way,  it's almost certainly a very deeply ingrained trait.   She couldn't possibly just change, she would need to get professional help, I believe.  That would require her wanting to change enough to seek the help.  Very unlikely, since she is so very committed to avoiding any conflicts or challenges.  

Thinking about it from her perspective, I imagine that this would be a tremendously crippling way to live.   Just internalizing all the things that really needed to be talked about ... all her life, not just with you.  Obviously it all was in play with her ex husband.

But wanting to avoid things is so key for her that it seems unlikely to impossible that she will come to the point of wanting to seek help for this passivity / conflict avoidance / unwillingness to take a stand or make a decision.

Anyway, she probably hit a wall where the pressure of being in a relationship was finally just too much.  She could not manage avoiding everything like she has been any further.   So she had to leave.  

I doubt she can even articulate that but it's probably an underlying catalyst.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Unfortunately, in these types of situations, it often seems that the longer the pattern continues, the more "common" it becomes and it becomes very easy to continue on the same path.

This goes on until you are exhausted and feel as if you have completely given all of yourself to this other person. And, I'm guessing that's not the path you want to go down. The way it looks, you've tried a lot with her, and you've tried to talk with her about it. 

It's hard to watch someone you care about struggle. I understand that the whole situation is difficult for you because you care about her and your relationship. The way she chooses to live her life is out of your control.

Remember that she made the decision to end the relationship. She has to take responsibility for her own actions and be willing to work on her issues. You can be supportive of her, but you can't fix her.

[Farrell]

Thank you Nuevo.

 

My upbringing was a little chaotic, and /I know my reactions area little sharpe at times. My volume raises when I was met with a no response, nit before so. I just was left so frustrated that simple solutions were there but she avoided either discussing things or acting on simple solutions. 

 

I have repeatedly asked to talk, but she has refused all efforts. She returned every meaningful present I had ever bought her, including jewellery and this years cams present of an Apple Watch. Event left the perfume bottles with a tiny bit left inside. It's like every single reminder of our life together she wants to hide form, having no reminders. She has a close relationship with my brother in lawl, but when he called, she couldn't take his call, and she text back saying she couldn't talk about us as she is traumatised or words to that effect. In 9 years, I never once called her names, made snide put down, threw anything, never once ever slamming a door. Yes, I over reacted in frustration few times, but whilst we were having the entire house renovated, it all got too much for me and the help from A I asked for fell on deaf ears. So I was for a couple of weeks a bit overwhelmed and irritable, being a little quiver to snap over minor things. The rest of the time though we were like sticky glue, and A would frequently tell me how happy she was and how lucky we were to have each other and have th house we live in now the work is nearly done. Then one small argument and she is gone. She has gone from loving me, our life together, us being very close and physical (cuddles every day etc) to complete indifference. She appears to have shut down all feelings for me, despite fawning over me the entire 9 years we have been together. The contrast is so hard to understand or accept. I feel powerless to do anything. Th only thing she said was that she couldn't come back because nothing would change and that if we met to talk, I would talk her round. I just do not know the best way to approach her or our situation. I just cannot fathom what is going on.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Farrell said:

, I lost my calm a few times over the years for reasons I say below. I have used the term “ for f***s sake will you talk to me so I understand” or “for f***s sake why are you resistant to letting your brother help”   

Do you know where she went? Did she go back to her own house or is she staying with parents? Do you both work? Was she paying rent in addition to doing housework and paying for the renovations on your house?  How much did you share expenses? Was she a tenant? 

She seems overwhelmed with taking care of her parents, working full time and dealing with the renovations and housework in your house.

Her departure seems like she has been deliberating it for a while.  Partly because of your confrontational style, partly because she can't keep up with all the demands.

All you can do is sever all financial ties, stay no contact and wait until she contacts you if there are details to sever.

[Farrell]

I am am fortunate enough to retire early. A is working part time locally and  I'm aware she has moved into a shared house 3 miles away. No financial ties at all, so that is good. A will reply to text over domestic issues like post coming for her, but is 100% avoiding of replying to any requests to discuss us. It like a switch has gone off and she had emotionally detached like I have never experienced before. Yes, I believe it was brewing, but she never expressed any dissatisfaction or acted in any way like she was unhappy, she just said of the few brief arguments we had once she retuned form holiday over minor things, lasting seconds if you will, they her view was we argued about everything all the time.We didn't, I am guessing that is hurt talking and her need to feel validated in that when under lots of pressure, I have snapped at times, which I have. Par top my snapping was frustration that every design was being left to me, over nearly everything. what's missing form A's account is the thousand of days we have spent together when we had nothing but the best of times. If we had 20 arguments lasting 10 minutes durign the entire 9 years I am probably ever estimating. A always presented happy, full of life, her;pful, easy going but she wasn't being open with how she was really feeling, and I do think the few arguments we have had were too much for her, not least as she has no other relationship experience where a single argument has occurred. She was passively agreeing to things with me, our friends too. It just seems her way. If I could only get her to see that arguments are a normal part of relationship life and that if we can just learn together form this experience, with a bit of time and help, we could move forward in a way that would enable her to feel secure again. unfortunately she is refusing to communicate on any level, so all I can do is try and make a life for myself, despite me knowing that she still loves me. I should add bar the kitchen and bathroom we shard the cost on, I paid for the rest of the house to be renovated. After leaving me, I paid some money into her account but she simply paid it back into mine. We share 15 month old border terrier puppy who she adores. She had initially said that she wanted to see him, but every time I reached out for her to do so, I received no answer. I can only take it that she finds it easier to simply leave her old life with me behind.  It just all feels so extreme.

Edited May 8, 2023 by Farrell

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Farrell said:

. If I could only get her to see that arguments are a normal part of relationship life and that if we can just learn together form this experience,.

Unfortunately what is "normal" arguing for you is too much for her. You have completely incompatible conflict resolution styles. It's not worth arguing about how to argue the right way. 

Let her go. Forward her mail and stay no contact. Even trying to convince her that your confrontational style is more "normal"  is an argument in itself.  When people start arguing about arguing, unfortunately it's the beginning of the end. 

Edited May 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

She broke up with you because you wouldn't fix her phone?

Sounds like she jumped on that as an excuse to leave.

Regardless of the things she said to you, it honestly sounds like she already had one foot out the door.