Non-stop crying

[OddBod]

My boyfriend of 7 years ended it about 6 weeks ago. I've been following the NC rules that I read on here. At the beginning I was crying a little bit every couple of days. I was mostly going through a lot of shock, disbelief and anger. About 5 days ago I started crying hysterically and have hardly stopped since. I've cried on the bus and on the train, in the street, the park, and the shops. And it's not like a few tears you can wipe away. It's full on hysterical sobbing where I can hardly breathe. Very embarrassing. When I'm home I'm pretty much doubled over on the floor and it feels like I'm trying to give birth to my heart through my mouth. I've never cried like this. It seems to be getting worse every day. I've pretty much stopped functioning. I've never been in this much emotional pain in my life. I have no one I can reach out to. I'm wondering if part of the hysterical state I'm in is the fact I'm so alone in this pain. No one knows I'm suffering over this. I thought maybe if I typed it out here and it was witnessed by someone it might help? I've been journalling the whole time and it doesn't seem to have done anything. I just need someone to know the pain I'm in.

It wasn't even that great or healthy a relationship and the level of crying seems way beyond what should be happening.

I'm 47 and he is 39. We live in different countries but talked every day without fail and he would come to stay with me several times a year. It was a pretty difficult setup, having a long distance relationship, especially all through the lockdown situations and not being able to fly, but we persevered through all that because we loved eachother. Or so I thought. I don't even know now. A couple of years ago, during lockdowns, I developed an illness and last year it got really severe and left me housebound through the winter. Last winter he often had to do my online food shopping for me, from his country,  because I was in too much pain. I started to feel him drifting away, not calling as much, and I could feel myself getting more panicky and clingy, (which I'm normally like) as my life was kind of depending on him at times. Earlier this year he started ghosting me at the weekends and in the evenings. I started getting the vibe there might be someone else involved. I texted him that I was sad and confused about him not talking to me and asked if he could tell me what was going on. He texted me "I think I would be better as a friend than a bf". So that was it, he dumped me by text after 7 years, with no real explaination. Whilst I was ill and in pain. He said he wanted to stay friends. I said no.

I want a hug or kind words so badly. I don't have the kind of a family I could turn to for that. I lost all of my female friendships over the years, sadly. I have some long term male friends but they really aren't the kind of people I could sob to. It's really hard to find people who are good with this kind of thing. Of course I know the best thing to do would be to go out and try and make some friends. But lack on money and my illness is making that hard, not to mention the fact I am hysterically crying all the time right now. I could use some therapy but can't afford it. I've gotten some comfort reading the kind and sensible replies to posts on here. Sentences like "the wounder doesn't heal" have really helped me. I really want to think I'm going through some healing process but all I feel right now is dark dark dark.

He always used to say to me how he wished I could be more vulnerable with him. I was always quite a protected person because of trauma. I'd lived my life feeling that if I was vulnerable with someone they would leave me. That turned out to be exactly what happened. I feel so unloveable. Sorry, this all sounds really whiny and self-pitying. I'm probably just at the peak of the wave.

Has anyone else cried like this over a breakup or does this sound weird and unhealthy? I can't keep crying this hysterically much longer, right? It has to give way to a different stage?

 

Edited May 4, 2023 by OddBod

[semble]

24 minutes ago, OddBod said:

 Last winter he often had to do my online food shopping for me, from his country,  because I was in too much pain.

I sort of understand where he's coming from. You hardly ever saw each other and your quality of life had dropped so low that you couldn't even order your own food from a website. That's a lot for him to take on.

Your response to the breakup seems excessive. You might want to consider seeing a professional and get some short term meds to ease the emotional pain. They sort of numb you, to both the highs and the lows but in your case you need to deal with those lows.

 

 

[OddBod]

Quote

I sort of understand where he's coming from. You hardly ever saw each other and your quality of life had dropped so low that you couldn't even order your own food from a website. That's a lot for him to take on.

Sorry, I'm not sure how the quote thing works yet.

I hear you. I don't really blame him for leaving a tough relationship. But there are better ways to leave a person than to just drift away and end it by text. Especially when that person is dependant on you somehow, you have to let them know what is going on.

And I guess I believed in "in sickness and in health"  in relationships. The illness is (hopefully) temporary so it wasn't something he had to take on board for life. Everytime he's been sick I've cared for him, gone to the shops, made his dinner, etc. or if we were apart helped him out how I could. This was about 12 times of me asking if he could do my shop, and it took about 20 minutes each time. I told him how appreciative I was of him helping. I'm rarely a person who asks for help. He has his own issues and long crises and every time he's needed me I've been there. I kind of thought that's what relationships were about? Being there in both the good and bad? But hey, I'm obviously not great at them, so maybe I need a rethink.

 

[stillafool]

i

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  If you are doubled over with grief please go to the emergency room for help.  Especially if this has been going on for days.  Who is ordering fod for you now?

[ShyViolet]

So you say this has only been going on 5 days.  I'm sure it won't last forever.  The emotional impact of the breakup has really hit you now.  I think what you need to do is just feel this completely, LET it out, let it run its course.  Don't try to stifle it.  Let yourself feel this right now, and it will naturally pass.

[OddBod]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

i

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  If you are doubled over with grief please go to the emergency room for help.  Especially if this has been going on for days.  Who is ordering fod for you now?

Thanks stillafool. Sorry, I probably didn't explain that very well. It was in the winter he was having to order my food. I'm not housebound now and can get to the shops myself, thankfully. The only thing I'm dealing with at the moment is the extreme crying. I think it might just be a lifetime of trauma finally making it's way out. I'm not sure doctors can help me with it. But if it goes on for more days I think I may have to try get some help somehow.

[OddBod]

18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

So you say this has only been going on 5 days.  I'm sure it won't last forever.  The emotional impact of the breakup has really hit you now.  I think what you need to do is just feel this completely, LET it out, let it run its course.  Don't try to stifle it.  Let yourself feel this right now, and it will naturally pass.

Ok, haha, the fact you said only 5 days has made me feel better. I've never reacted this severely to a breakup before and I've had relationships that lasted longer and with people I actually lived with. I was starting to worry it was some kind of total mental and emotional collapse. I never cry in public. I think that's probably what I needed, to hear someone say it's ok to just go with it and let it out. I think I've been losing touch with reality a bit being here on my own in a sea of tears.

[OddBod]

1 hour ago, OddBod said:

I started to feel him drifting away, not calling as much, and I could feel myself getting more panicky and clingy, (which I'm normally like)

Sorry, I don't know how to edit my initial post, I meant to say I am not normally panicky and clingy

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, OddBod said:

.I'm 47 and he is 39. We live in different countries but talked every day . But lack on money and my illness is making that hard, 

Sorry this is happening. Do you work? Do you have medical insurance? Are you being treated for the pain and illness? You seem to have become dependent on him over the years. Is there a reason it remained long distance?

What you could do is contact a mental health hotline to talk to someone. They will listen and help you find affordable help. You could also see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

Try to reach out to local resources, friends and family. Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. While breakups hurt, if you feel incapacitated, it's time to reach out for practical and tangible help.

 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, OddBod said:

About 5 days ago I started crying hysterically and have hardly stopped since. I've cried on the bus and on the train, in the street, the park, and the shops. And it's not like a few tears you can wipe away. It's full on hysterical sobbing where I can hardly breathe. Very embarrassing. When I'm home I'm pretty much doubled over on the floor and it feels like I'm trying to give birth to my heart through my mouth. I've never cried like this. It seems to be getting worse every day. I've pretty much stopped functioning. I've never been in this much emotional pain in my life.

What you are describing here is an emotional breakdown.

This happened to me several years ago when I almost lost my mum.

I cried in my doctors office and he helped me. 

15 hours ago, OddBod said:

Earlier this year he started ghosting me at the weekends and in the evenings. I started getting the vibe there might be someone else involved. I texted him that I was sad and confused about him not talking to me and asked if he could tell me what was going on. He texted me "I think I would be better as a friend than a bf".

Yeah, this sounds very much like he met someone else. 

It will get easier I promise you.

[OddBod]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you work? Do you have medical insurance? Are you being treated for the pain and illness? You seem to have become dependent on him over the years. Is there a reason it remained long distance?

What you could do is contact a mental health hotline to talk to someone. They will listen and help you find affordable help. You could also see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

Try to reach out to local resources, friends and family. Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. While breakups hurt, if you feel incapacitated, it's time to reach out for practical and tangible help.

 

I don't work now, no. I think one of the reasons this grief was delayed was because I was frantically trying to apply for disability money at the time he ended it and my mind was quite distracted by forms and deadlines. And now I've got the time to process the pain of never seeing him again. So far, the illness has mostly been a seasonal thing so hopefully I wont be in a really bad way again until the weather gets colder. The doctors have been unable to treat it. It may have it's roots in the level of stress I've been under for the past few years. If I can sort out the stress it may ease off. But I'm scared about the idea of being housebound alone next winter, to be honest.

We couldn't move it forward from long distance because of financial situations - It would have cost thousands for us to manage it with visas etc, and we just didn't have that kind of money. It was a completely dead-ended stagnant situation. I did try talking about it to him but he really didn't like to go there. We both came from traumatic upbringings and were struggling to take control of our lives. I know the breakup is for the best and really  we should never let it go on for so long, or probably even started it in the first place. I feel like it was just another terrible mistake I made in my life. Whilst I go through waves of anger at him, I do love him and want him to find happiness however he needs to do it, and I'm glad for him that he got out really. I'm just scared over my own ability to make it through to any kind of better place.

Yes I'm sad to say I let myself become very dependent. For the first 4 years it was the other way around and he was the needy and dependent one. Then all the covid stuff hit and it became more equal or, uh, codependent I suppose. I have never really leaned on a man before, emotionally. But I thought it was something I should do to grow, and have closer relationships, be vulnerable and more open. So when the illness got bad about 6 months ago I finally really leaned on him. And I slowly watched the devotion in his eyes turn to disinterest. I know you should never use another person as a mirror for who you think you are but for some reason I can't get past the look in his eyes at the end and how worthless it made me feel. I'm just stuck with that feeling.

Over the winter I found that my family weren't there for me when I was sick either. I've always been more in the caretaker role with them - even from when I was a child. I don't trust anyone around me with my heart right now. It feels like there's a radar inside of me hunting for someone, anyone, to connect to and all there is is a void out there. I take full responsibility for creating a situation where I don't have a good support network - this is all on me. I've referred myself for free counselling but I think there's a long wait. Once the crying stops (if the crying stops??) I'll start trying to rebuild my life, but I know it will be a slow process. Right now I'm just very lonely.

Sorry, I over-answered.

 

[OddBod]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

What you are describing here is an emotional breakdown.

This happened to me several years ago when I almost lost my mum.

I cried in my doctors office and he helped me. 

Yeah, this sounds very much like he met someone else. 

It will get easier I promise you.

It does feel like some kind of breakdown. This feels beyond normal grieving. My doctor referred me to a whole bunch of services (such as community befriending) a couple of months back when they were concerned about my wellbeing but I am still on waiting lists. Glad to hear you had a doctor that helped. Some can be rubbish with this stuff.

Yeah I'm pretty sure there was another woman. While he was going awol and not helping with my food shopping, a dress was sent to my house that he had bought on ebay for a "friend of his sister", for me to send on to him. I was weirded out that he couldn't find the time to text me but had managed to find the time to hunt for a specific dress on ebay for some woman he wouldn't give me the name of. It was so out of character for him. I think he got swept up in it quick, like he did with me at the beginning, he dives all in and attaches very fast. I could see the signs. After he ended it, I wanted that dress out of my house so posted it on to him. I find myself checking the tracking on it everyday, it's become some kind of symbol of something, I don't even know what - it got stuck in customs like my emotions have got stuck. I've got this yucky image in my head of her trying on the dress for him that I keep torturing myself with, and it feels once the dress gets there I can get past that stage.

Thanks for giving me the hope it will get easier.

 

[OddBod]

Things got really bad, I got more hysterical and panicky and I stopped being able to swallow food. Thinking of what you all said about needing to reach out I texted my sister I was in a bad way, and her and her boyfriend are driving across country to come pick me up. Just wanted to update, as some of what I had written probably sounded a bit alarming and I didn't want to suddenly disappear after that. Thanks everyone.

[Weezy1973]

So crying is not a bad thing. In fact grief over a lost relationship and grieving the lost future is normal and healthy. Because of your childhood trauma the break up is going to open those old wounds making it feel unbearable because you feel unlovable. 
 

Best thing you can do is something called “re-parenting”. You can look this up online. It’s basically consists of being the parent to yourself. Being kind to yourself. Being compassionate to yourself. Your thoughts are likely filled with “I’m not good enough” statements. Also self care. For I no yourself to eat healthy. Try getting some exercise. 
 

And this will pass eventually. Your grief over the relationship will lesson with time. Be patient with yourself. 

[OddBod]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

So crying is not a bad thing. In fact grief over a lost relationship and grieving the lost future is normal and healthy. Because of your childhood trauma the break up is going to open those old wounds making it feel unbearable because you feel unlovable. 
 

Best thing you can do is something called “re-parenting”. You can look this up online. It’s basically consists of being the parent to yourself. Being kind to yourself. Being compassionate to yourself. Your thoughts are likely filled with “I’m not good enough” statements. Also self care. For I no yourself to eat healthy. Try getting some exercise. 
 

And this will pass eventually. Your grief over the relationship will lesson with time. Be patient with yourself. 

I really appreciate this Weezy, thank you. Not seeing someone you love ever again is so deeply sad. You can feel all your memories together slide into a secret box in your brain that you can't ever share with anyone again. I'll miss his face, voice, stories, thoughts, hopes, quirks, our private jokes...ouch.  Breakups don't get any easier with age, no matter how many you go through, for me anyway. In a way I'm glad I'm bawling. But yeah, there's a lot of other stuff mixed in there too. My parents left me in dangerous situations as a kid and I think that trauma got massively triggered with him abandoning me when I was sick and couldn't get food. Being really sick can put you back in a child state where you need other people for survival. A lot of the crying I've done hasn't seemed very adult-style.

I have definitely been a bad parent to myself through this - lots of self hatred going on. I need to read up on that. I think I finally did some good self-parenting this evening. I had sent a text to my sister to tell her I was in a bad way. I'd avoided contacting my family through this because they can get quite controlling and I was already suffering big feelings of powerlessness with the breakup, illness, money problems, etc. My sister started taking control of the situation and decided her and her boyfriend were going to drive here, pick me up and take me to theirs. i was trying to talk her out of it and slow the thing down but she kept texting me and saying no no we're coming, we're in the car, we're on the motorway, etc. I could feel my childlike panicky state getting worse and worse over my feelings of not being heard and finally I let some internal protective caring mother  step in and I told her I couldn't do it. I felt terrible for turning them around - I know really she was only trying to help -but it made me feel calmer than I've felt in ages. I haven't felt like crying since I did it.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, OddBod said:

…but it made me feel calmer than I've felt in ages. I haven't felt like crying since I did it.

That’s really good. Often with childhood “stuff” we end up feeling like other people are more  important than we are. It turns us into people-pleasers or being co-dependent. And we of course want people to like us (because we don’t necessarily like ourselves, or think we’re worthy of being loved) so setting boundaries is really hard. But you did it! And that showed you cared about you. Which is so good. Baby steps…

[OddBod]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

That’s really good. Often with childhood “stuff” we end up feeling like other people are more  important than we are. It turns us into people-pleasers or being co-dependent. And we of course want people to like us (because we don’t necessarily like ourselves, or think we’re worthy of being loved) so setting boundaries is really hard. But you did it! And that showed you cared about you. Which is so good. Baby steps…

Thanks Weezy. Man, this stuff is hard. I don't think my sister is talking to me now. This happens to me with everyone when I try to set boundaries, they just walk away from me. This is how I became a people pleaser. I'm really finding it hard to get the kind of people in my life who are ok with me being me. I guess the only thing I can do right now is be my own friend.

This feels like the movie Lonely Guy with Steve Martin. I'll be making lifesize cardboard friends to put in my room and giving my plants people-names next. I feel like King Saddo of the Sad People.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, OddBod said:

. I feel like King Saddo of the Sad People.

On the plus size, at least you’re the King. Imagine being peasant Saddo of the Sad People…

[Wiseman2]

On 5/5/2023 at 8:56 AM, OddBod said:

I don't work now, no. I think one of the reasons this grief was delayed was because I was frantically trying to apply for disability money at the time he ended it 

It seems like during hard times he was sort of a lifeline for isolation and loneliness. Sorry this happened.

In addition to applying for disability, please go to social services/welfare for help with food, cost of living expenses, medical care, employment or assistance getting disability and a case worker who could help you navigate these difficult times.

  Don't go it alone. Research faith based and government based support organizations. They may have places you could go to socialize as well as get help with basic needs and feeling isolated.

Edited May 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[OddBod]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

On the plus size, at least you’re the King. Imagine being peasant Saddo of the Sad People…

Laughing at your comment was the most I've felt like the real me in ages.👍

[OddBod]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like during hard times he was sort of a lifeline for isolation and loneliness. Sorry this happened.

In addition to applying for disability, please go to social services/welfare for help with food, cost of living expenses, medical care, employment or assistance getting disability and a case worker who could help you navigate these difficult times.

  Don't go it alone. Research faith based and government based support organizations. They may have places you could go to socialize as well as get help with basic needs and feeling isolated.

Thanks Wiseman. The doctor contacted social services a couple of months back when they were concerned about my wellbeing because I couldn't get out of the house to get my electricity key topped up etc. I had a very bizarre needs assessment on the phone with them where the interviewer, who was watching telly loudly because "It's after 5 and I can do what I like" , told me there's nothing they could do for me. In response to me asking what I should do if I was too ill to make food for myself she said "Get takeaways" and if I couldn't afford takeaways I should "break the takeaways into chunks so they last for more meals". With regards to not being able to top up my electricity meter she said "phone your provider". She shouted at me at one point "DO YOU HAVE MONEY?? NO! YOU NEED MONEY IF YOU WANT HELP!" This interview happened the same week of my breakup. Speaking to people on disability forums I've heard of similar experiences so I'm wary now of expecting government support, and am doing my best to find ways I can support myself without leaning on them. I know I could complain and maybe get advocate etc. but right now I just feel like protecting myself from that level of stress while I try heal.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, OddBod said:

. Speaking to people on disability forums I've heard of similar experiences so I'm wary now of expecting government support, and am doing my best to find ways I can support myself 

Please contact social services/welfare directly for an evaluation of what benefits and services you are eligible for. Also look into charitable organizations for assistance with food and support. You could research what charitable organizations operate food pantries and other help in your area.

The government does not tell people to "go get take out", they generally can help with food stamps and similar programs.  If you had an unpleasant experience, keep trying to get the appropriate benefits you are eligible for.

[OddBod]

So I seem to be going through a different stage now. I'm glimpsing through the fog of sadness that I may have been in some kind of covertly abusive relationship. I don't really like the term abusive because I'm not seeing myself as a "victim" per se, and I'm very aware that relationships are a two way street and I played my own part in an unhealthy dynamic.

I wouldn't normally want to give details about someone's behaviour towards me on a public forum where their side isn't given. But I think I may have been experiencing some gaslighting and I don't think I've had a good grip on what was real here, so it would really help to get some feedback. Part of the reason I have been so severely hit by this is because I have lost all trust in myself.

What I'm about to write below is by no means the sum of the man I dated. I believe the good in him outweighs the things I'm about to describe. If this was what he was like most of the time there was no way I would have stayed in the relationship so long. But I'm seeing now I probably allowed him to cross lines that were a step too far and it led me to feeling usafe and insecure and full of doubt and confusion, and is why I'm the blubbering mess I am now.

Two years into the relationship I found out the job he said he was going to every day wasn't real. I had an uneasy feeling that something about him and the way he never talked about his job wasn't right but I kept ignoring my feelings. I'd spoken about my concerns to a therapist I was seeing and she made out I was probably being paranoid, which didn't help. I finally confronted him with it one day and he admitted he'd been lying about going to work. I should have ended the relationship at this point. I don't think I've ever really trusted him since this. But my weakness is I over-empathise with stupid things people do due to shame and childhood trauma, having done many stupid things myself in the past, and I forgave.

At the same time we were having massive problems with him overstepping my boundaries, for example with my technology. I'd come out of the shower, leaving him in the room with my computer and phone, to come back and find Keychain Access (where your passwords are stored) or my whatsapp open. We argued quite a lot in the first few years over him always wanting my passwords to things. He finally seemed to understand that violating my boundaries in that way was not ok, but he may have just gone more "underground" with going into my technology and not getting caught. I really don't know. I know I became overly self-conscious about everything I wrote to friends on whatsapp etc, thinking he might read it, and this was a contributing factor to me shutting down and isolating from friends.

He's an IT guy and set up a lot of my computer stuff at home. This involved him being able to remotely access certain folders in my computer that he had given himself access to. This sounds worse than it was. Really, this was him dropping music and video files in there for me. But somehow in this set up he was able to know when my internet was active and when it wasn't, so he could somehow tell when I was in or out (he used to talk about "pinging the router" or something). Anyway, even now, with us over and done, I still  have the feeling of his hovering presence, wondering if he still, uh, "pings the router". I removed the folders on my computer he had access to and unplugged a mini computer he had attached to the router. But he may still be able to watch my activity somehow and tell when I'm in or out - I'm not computer savvy enough to know. It's only really now that I think about it that I realise how "off" that control dynamic was. The last text conversation we had after we broke up was me asking him to remove my card details from the account he had where he was doing my food shopping, and he just blanked me and never said yes. It's not that I believe he will use my card but I'm just only seeing now the kind of power games he played with me. I'm so disappointed in the trust I put in him and angry at myself. I'm even realising that some of the supposedly supportive things he said to me were shrouded insults.

Whilst he encouraged me to drop my boundaries more and more, he was guarded about his own personal and mental space.  He always wanted to come to my place and only ever invited me to his country twice. His technology was always password protected and I wouldn't have ever dreamed of using it. He'd encourage me to spill my feelings whilst talking about his own less and less. As the relationship broke down I got the same kind of lying vibes from him I had gotten around the "job" he had. I guess I will never know the extent of what about our relationship was true. I seem to have handed all of my power over to a man who wasn't really to be trusted and I feel very stupid. Either that or I'm going through a stage in the grieving where I'm blowing the bad side of him out of proportion to make myself feel better about him leaving me.

 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, OddBod said:

Either that or I'm going through a stage in the grieving where I'm blowing the bad side of him out of proportion to make myself feel better about him leaving me.

Do and feel however you want to get over him.

[OddBod]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please contact social services/welfare directly for an evaluation of what benefits and services you are eligible for. Also look into charitable organizations for assistance with food and support. You could research what charitable organizations operate food pantries and other help in your area.

The government does not tell people to "go get take out", they generally can help with food stamps and similar programs.  If you had an unpleasant experience, keep trying to get the appropriate benefits you are eligible for.

Thanks Wiseman. Yes, that is what the needs assessment was supposed to be, an evaluation of what support I could get. The doctor had warned me that people were having very bad experiences with the council's social services. They have outsourced their needs assessments to a company  who seem to be gatekeeping to a certain extent by ticking boxes stating that the person had been offered "solutions" to their difficulties, no matter how ridiculous, such as cutting up takeaways. Yes they did suggest things like food banks but my problem was with not being able to see etc so I actually need physical assistance should it get that bad again (hopefully it wont). It was very hard to get her to understand my situation when she was so distracted by watching telly. I can go through a complaints system next but right now I am just concentrating on scraping my self esteem off the floor. For the last three months I've been applying for all the money I'm entitled to and talking to charities regarding housing etc.