full.of.regret Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 Im having a tough time in my kind of new relationship at the moment (about seven months we've been together). Before we got together, he was in a bad relationship. He told me she got in some trouble with authorities for hitting him. It sounds bad, they would break up and get back together. She mooched off him a lot financially, usually refusing to work. It sounds there were real screaming rows. So he finally broke it off. Weve been having a quite good relationship so far i think. Some problems with arguments (not a crazy amount, probably about normal, maybe slightly more) but very much a lot of respect for each other, and love. And also trying to understand each other so that if we do argue, it is more respectful. His ex girlfriend showed up at his condo without warning one night. They didn't go inside, they went to a bar, she cried and begged him to get back together or at least to sleep with her. He said no and got her a cab to a friend's house. A week later, she turns up again wanting to stay at his place for a few days. She says she understands he is in a new relationship and respects it. He said no and paid for her to get home. He will not go NC with her. He says he won't deal with an ultimatum if that's what i want to make. But i feel like i don't understand why he won't cut her off. she will only be back. I don't want her coming into my relationship like this. We have had arguments since, and we have taken some space to think. I want everything to be how it was, but there is a part of me that can't not forgive him for not going NC and for sorting out her problems for her i don't think that should be his job. Help!
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 1 minute ago, full.of.regret said: she got in some trouble with authorities for hitting him. they would break up and get back together. His ex girlfriend showed up at his condo without warning one night. A week later, she turns up again wanting to stay at his place for a few days. Sorry this is happening. Try to extricate yourself from this ASAP. They seem to be in an abusive relationship that is continuing. Step far away from their on/off drama. This is too volatile and he's putting you in danger of this loose canon showing up at your place. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He's driving this crazy train more than she is. He's the problem. 4
Veryconfused004 Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 I would say to just give him the ultimatum to leave the ex alone. If he can’t completely block her and get her out of his life then he isn’t worth it. If he really wants or loves you that much he shouldn’t let his psycho ex bother what you guys have now especially since that it is bothering you he should take care of it. 2
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 2 hours ago, full.of.regret said: A week later, she turns up again wanting to stay at his place for a few days. She says she understands he is in a new relationship and respects it. Showing up unannounced at his place and asking to stay for a few days is not respecting his relationship. 2 hours ago, full.of.regret said: He will not go NC with her. He says he won't deal with an ultimatum if that's what i want to make. Who is his priority here - you or her? Because, if his relationship with you is his priority then he needs to go no contact with his ex - if only because she is now interfering in your relationship. I would have no problem asking him to go no contact with her and if he fails to do that - that, to me, is a huge red flag for you to heed. 2 hours ago, full.of.regret said: It sounds bad, they would break up and get back together. There is a pattern of behavior here that you would be unwise to ignore. It’s not uncommon for people to have difficulty breaking away from their abusive/unhealthy relationship partners. You have to ask yourself if he is really capable of a healthy relationship, given that his past history would tell you otherwise… 2 hours ago, full.of.regret said: Some problems with arguments (not a crazy amount, probably about normal, maybe slightly more) I would argue that this is not particularly normal, particularly in a new relationship. Healthy relationships tend to be generally peaceful relationships. Not that there isn’t conflict, it’s how you deal with the conflict that matters. 2 1
ShyViolet Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 He is allowing and even encouraging this. His refusal to cut off contact with her is all you need to know. He isn't making his relationship with you a priority. He went to a bar with her? That's crazy. I bet there's even more that happened between them that you don't even know. If you have any self-respect you will walk away from this messed up situation. He isn't done with his ex and that isn't going to change anytime soon. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 4 hours ago, full.of.regret said: But i feel like i don't understand why he won't cut her off. Because he is still attached to her. I am sorry. I would not issue an ultimatum. I would simply see myself out and leave them to it. He isn't ready for another relationship at all. 5
Author full.of.regret Posted April 29, 2023 Author Posted April 29, 2023 Thank you to everyone for your replying - there is a similar view from everyone I see.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 29, 2023 Posted April 29, 2023 You really do want to drop this guy because abusive exes can put YOU in danger. Physical danger. She is already showing obsession and stalking signs by coming to his place without invitation. That is serious obsession. And you would be the ultimate target to get out of the way to fulfill the obsession. BF clearly does not know how dangerous this woman is. So dump him. 5
IrinaM Posted April 30, 2023 Posted April 30, 2023 13 hours ago, full.of.regret said: He says he won't deal with an ultimatum if that's what i want to make. Please find your self-respect and do not even consider giving him an ultimatum, a second chance, a discussion, or breakup talk, or an offer of "let's stay friends." This man is going to a bar with his ex, having little convos with her over drinks (and you know in your heart he's using these chats to keep her on the hook and plant hope in her pathetic pickmeisha heart) and paying for her transportation. and that's just what he's told you about, who knows what he's keeping secret. Girl do you not watch "true crime daily"???? Being any part of a love triangle can get you deleted-whether the main chick or the side chick, don't matter! get out now! I would just break up text and then block. When you tolerate disrespect, it trashes your self-esteem. I won't play games with you, a lot of men act like this dude, and it sucks, but you should never tolerate it. Because if all you have is yourself, and your own self-love and your own self-esteem and your own self-respect, then at least don't throw that away. 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2023 Posted April 30, 2023 7 hours ago, full.of.regret said: Thank you to everyone for your replying - there is a similar view from everyone I see. Yes, listen to your friends and family. Also watch the film "Fatal Attraction", that might help solidify why being involved with someone who's on/off with someone this unhinged is a bad idea. 2 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 30, 2023 Posted April 30, 2023 (edited) He won’t go No Contact with her because he doesn’t want to. He’s still attached to her. And I’m sorry to tell you that he still loves her. Whatever he feels for you does not equate to how he feels about her. Nevertheless, how your boyfriend has treated you is completely unacceptable. He has blantantly disrespected you! Not only by continuing to contact the ex but the fact that he went drinking and spent time with her. He willingly and knowingly put himself in a situation that would encourage sexual and emotional proposition from his ex. He did that! He could have refused but he didn’t. That screams volumes! Don’t be surprised if you find out at some point that he didn’t send her packing and that actually something sexual happened between them. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me. Is there not a part of you that sees how wrong this all is? Look, you’re in a battle that you can’t win. Don’t set him an ultimatum. Simply say that you can’t tolerate being with a man who has such inappropriate boundaries with his ex. Then leave with your head held high. Edited April 30, 2023 by Calmandfocused 2
stillafool Posted April 30, 2023 Posted April 30, 2023 I would just tell him to call me when he's done with his ex gf because it's clear he's not at this point. He doesn't want to block her because he enjoys her begging him for attention and sex. Why does he feel it's his duty to pay for cabs and ubers to take her home and go with her to a bar? He's still in love with her. How long were they together and how long were they broken up before you got with him? 1
smackie9 Posted May 1, 2023 Posted May 1, 2023 (edited) Sorry but he has no respect for himself or you. 7 months and you have arguments...that's not normal, he's got emotional issues. This guy is a problem and you are too blinded by love. He's got some unsolved baggage with her, and he won't let go. He's nowhere ready to be in a stable, healthy relationship with where his brain is at. He's taken abuse from her, takes her back several times, still is in contact with her and is willing to go somewhere to talk with her. That's some bad crap-0la there. If he's digging his heels in even with a hint of an ultimatum, boot this chump to the curb. He's worth all that. Edited May 1, 2023 by smackie9
JTSW Posted May 2, 2023 Posted May 2, 2023 Tell him that she makes you feel extremely uncomfortable, and if he wont cut her off then you have to cut him off. It's highly likely he wont care if you break it off with him. He's still hung up on this girl.
GoodVibess Posted May 10, 2023 Posted May 10, 2023 If he was really over her, he would have reported her for harassment and granted a restraining order. Think about it.
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