notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 This is my story.. Caught my wife 17 years ago in a 2 year affair with a much younger man. Had young children, reconciled had some crappy years had some good ones. I had a couple one night stands in the first 2 years after was asked about it and admitted all. She was absolutely devastated by this. Fast forward to 2017 caught her texting and face booking a an old boyfriend. She assured it was nothing and that she stopped. ( He lived a long distance away so I was not concerned with physical) and the messages i had seen were about her sad life after my affair and that I continue to cheat on her. Fast forward to 2022/23 I see her phone light up a message on the counter its the old boy friend on FB messenger. My stomach knotted, my heart raced I knew. Looked him up he has moved back to our area 5 years ago. Collectively stayed calm gathered info. Seen her interaction seen her more then once stop at his work after work.( Love that snapchat) ask a question get a lie. 6 months later drop the question. finally admits to contact, sleeping with him (couldnt remember how many times but finalized 2 times lol and also couldnt remember how long it been going on but probably 3 years lol) meeting for drinks, meeting at his work sports bar kind of place. She really believes were going to fix this and carry on. That her actions are for unknown reasons and she may need some help,. Theres more instances of secret texting and friendship with a once friend of mine some where in this time line. We have some good times and generally get along but i cant do this again! i need some peace. On the other hand I really dont want to be starting over at 52 years old. (She is a beautiful women at 51yrs old as in radiant and stunning on the outside and I do still love her dearly as I said i would 28 years ago.) Im successful, and respected do not come off as weak by no means. Im very lost here any one have a thought? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 1 hour ago, notfooledagain said: . I had a couple one night stands in the first 2 years. the messages i had seen were about her sad life after my affair and that I continue to cheat on her. . finally admits to contact, sleeping with him. She really believes were going to fix this and carry on. Are you both interested in saving the marriage? Are you interested in an open relationship or monogamy? It's possible it's a revenge affair. Either way have you considered marriage therapy rather than affairs and trying to figure out if you both want to remain faithful or if you want an open relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Thanks for the reply !! She is as her quality of life is at risk, Im tired of eating the crap sandwich Im not sure how open relations would even work with her. Her insecurity would ruin it if I was with someone else? Not sure what she is revenging after all these years, I d accept a stranger but an old BF with history is hard to acceptand 3-5 years of him is a long relationship !We did all the counselling years ago.? She only listens to my concerns, trickle truths when on the spot and offers little then Im sorry I always mess up whats wrong with me? which is a cope out for responsibility. She looks for the poor me pity. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 2 minutes ago, notfooledagain said: , I d accept a stranger but an old BF with history is hard to acceptand 3-5 years of him is a long relationship. So you would be ok with extramarital strangers but not extramarital long term affairs? How is the marriage overall? Are you staying in it for convenience? You don't seem to want a divorce. It seems like you prefer one night stands and she prefers long term affairs. The only difference between this and an open marriage is that you're playing detective because you're both not forthcoming about the extramarital activity. Decide how discreet you both want to be with regard to extramarital activity. At this point you both know what's going on but playing cat-and-mouse games to confirm the extramarital activity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 My one night stands were years ago shortly after her first affair it was a revenge tacticon my behalf with 10 years passing since. We agreed as our kids grew up and moved out that its a fresh chapter in our story no more garbage clean slate. It appears she had this fellow while she cleared the slate lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 I dont mean to get defensive I had meant if she had this last affair with a stranger I would be more receptive to fixing this over having it with a past lover/bf Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, notfooledagain said: if she had this last affair with a stranger I would be more receptive to fixing this over having it with a past lover/bf You don't seem to want the hassle of divorce and you've already tried marriage therapy. So what do you mean by "more receptive to fixing it"? Cheating is cheating so why split hairs about which type of cheating is better than another? Are you afraid she'll leave you for this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 Well you've both proved to be as bad as each other. There is no excuse for cheating on either side. She just can't seem to stop and she definitely cannot be trusted. You marriage is a mess and that's on both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Yes it all horrible but it was all behind use a truce was called we were happy ! Time had healed all wounds . Im in no way fearful of her leaving me for this guy we are not the same men. He has failed at life, wealth, his job at love,she said she was helping him out?? I have only failed at love( well it looks like life as well) lol more receptive as in im below a dead beat boyfriend that cheated on you 30 + years ago in her books? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Yes it all horrible but it was all behind use a truce was called we were happy ! Time had healed all wounds . Im in no way fearful of her leaving me for this guy we are not the same men. He has failed at life, wealth, his job at love,she said she was helping him out?? I have only failed at love( well it looks like life as well) lol more receptive as in im below a dead beat boyfriend that cheated on you 30 + years ago in her books? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 I Agree JTSW I take my blame for my retaliation it was very wrong . I paid my dues for my sins with her believe me it was not easy times. We agreed the past was done we start over we never speak of it again. What more could I have done different to start over fresh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 2 minutes ago, notfooledagain said: . Im in no way fearful of her leaving me for this guy He has failed at life, wealth, his job at love,she said she was helping him out? Ok, so she's just into him as her lover but under the pretence that they're friends? Who cares about him or his situation? She already admitted they're lovers having an affair. The issue is if you want to turn a blind eye or not in order to avoid the headache and expense of divorce. What, exactly would you like to see happening? Would ending the affair make things right? Or is she going to waffle between 'we're just friends' and 'ok, I cheated'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Yes it all horrible but it was all behind use a truce was called we were happy ! Time had healed all wounds . Im in no way fearful of her leaving me for this guy we are not the same men. He has failed at life, wealth, his job at love,she said she was helping him out?? I have only failed at love( well it looks like life as well) lol more receptive as in im below a dead beat boyfriend that cheated on you 30 + years ago in her books? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 You are right Wiseman2 I did offer she should go be with him hence i heard his story and she did not want such a loser. I will proceed with a separation agreement and see what the next year brings prior to filing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, notfooledagain said: it was all behind use a truce was called we were happy ! Time had healed all wounds . Time healed nothing if she was telling her lover that you kept cheating on her. Of course that's an excuse for her to have affairs, but people who have affairs always have excuses. It seems like you two are simply not honest with each other and sort of live private separate lives while coexisting in a marriage of convenience pretending things are working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 ? I dont see where I am living a separate life ? I was there being the husband for many years and no time dint heal it.If i knew she was sleeping with him and having an affair but i did not life was ok we got along alright. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 How are your children doing? Are they aware of everything that's happening with you and your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Children are great! They both are educated working and have wonderful relationships with their significant others. They knew we had some problems but never knew the extent. They had a normal busy active household through their childhood. They know nothing of this of late. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 Just now, notfooledagain said: Children are great! They both are educated working and have wonderful relationships with their significant others. Then you have both done a wonderful job as parents Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 Thank you thats nice to say ! I am proud of what we did together when we could have made then pawns or shared our grief. Children are gifts ! They are my most prized accomplishment. and Im sure my wife would say the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 You sound like good people at heart. Many would use their children as pawns and I hate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 I thought we were at one time lol There is no exception when it comes to any childs well being .We will be judged by how we treated the most vulnerable. I will be judged also on my shitty traits as well unfortune Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 (edited) 58 minutes ago, notfooledagain said: I dont see where I am living a separate life ? She kept the affair hidden. She complained to her lover about your cheating. So your reality of the situation was different than hers. That is what it meant by separate lives. Separate realities. Edited April 28, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author notfooledagain Posted April 28, 2023 Author Share Posted April 28, 2023 She did yes that is not my action ? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 Either you can live with this or you can't. It may take a while but I suspect it will "process out" one way or the other. Sure she doesn't want to lose you, but it seems she's only really happy with both you AND a side guy? If that can't be actually addressed how could one say there wouldn't be (another) repeat? Maybe therapy for her IF you decide you can bear staying. If you can't well, 52 isn't a good time to start over, but there's really never a good time. If you are (or can again become) "well-maintained" the 50's isn't actually a bad time for men with strong social skills, a decent income, etc, although dating as adults probably shouldn't be described as "easy" either. There are plenty of people who've come back to report "leaving was the right choice" for them and they are happier now. The converse is also true and there's plenty of people who are glad they reconciled. So it can go well either way, depending on the person, their situation, and how things work out for them. There are probably those who regretted their choices either way as well, but I suspect they may be less inclined to post about it. You'll have decide what you want and/or what you can or can't "live with". Link to post Share on other sites
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