My past relationship

[Cathy7]

These days I have been thinking a lot about my past relationship that didn't work out. Among the reasons it failed was that my partner didn't trust me. Even when I was somewhere with him he would suspect me there is someone else at whom I look, even when I was mały in love with him, and even when I went to another city with my parents he claimed that I went there to see another guy. It was exasperating. I felt like losing my dignity when it kept happening on and on. I understood that relationship is about trust, especially when you want to build future together. He said that he doesn't trust anyone  as previous girlfriends did it to him. I said that I am not previous girlfriends but my own person and I am here for us because I want to be with him. Anyway it was all long ago and ended with him telling me that the fact I get frustrated and dont want to talk about it when he presents his suspicions is a red flag in his mind. So in the end of the day he didnt trust me and said it is a red flag about me. And not about him. Ladies, have you ever been in relationship like this and what do you think about this one? It's been time ago but I always miss him. I was putting my whole heart in it and imagined us growing old together. I wanted him to be my family, but since then everything goes wrong in terms of relationship/ private life and I think that I gave up on relationship for the rest of times. It scares me that one day you can see your whole world in this person, and the next day this person will suddenly claim he doesn't trust you.

[basil67]

No, I have not (and would not) be in a relationship with someone like this.  You deserve much better than to be treated like that

[Cathy7]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, I have not (and would not) be in a relationship with someone like this.  You deserve much better than to be treated like that

Thank you. I always thought that relationship is built on trust. Being with someone without trust is not possible and it can be destructive. It hurts me until this day that he said back then it is a red flag that I get upset when he wants to talk about his suspicions. Wherever I went there were suspicions, even with Parents. I am confused until this day, but I still maintain that relationship is about trust. 

[Wiseman2]

Generally possessiveness and extreme jealous are red flags, so you dodged a bullet. These are controlling behaviours that imprison someone. Basically this isn't a "trust issue", this is a red flag for possible abusive relationships.

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Cathy7 said:

Thank you. I always thought that relationship is built on trust. Being with someone without trust is not possible and it can be destructive. It hurts me until this day that he said back then it is a red flag that I get upset when he wants to talk about his suspicions. Wherever I went there were suspicions, even with Parents. I am confused until this day, but I still maintain that relationship is about trust. 

Yes, relationship is built on many things, trust being one of them.   If you're ever in this situation again, don't get upset that he wants to have these conversations - get FIRM.   "I have done nothing wrong and I will not be having these conversations with you".   If he says that your response is a red flag, tell him that he's the red flag and dump him.   Don't ever put up with this type of behaviour.

[Weezy1973]

He didn’t trust you due to his past  relationships. It has nothing to do with you, which I’m sure is very frustrating. But without trust there is no relationship. 

[Lotsgoingon]

That's a myth. We all have friends or acquaintances or lovers who betray our trust.

So what?!!!!

We don't die. We don't become jealous and paranoid and controlling. We move on, dropping the person we no longer trust, and spend time with the people we do trust. One, two. That's simple. No ... "i can't trust anymore ..." That's nonsense.

This guy was likely cheating on you and was bracing himself for you to find out. And one way to brace himself against reports of him cheating was to play all the mind games he played on you to accuse you of THINKING about cheating. When someone worries about whether you might THINKING of doing such and such, you're in the territory of insanity and maliciousness. He was definitely cheating .

OP, you are so fortunate this guy dumped you. Congrats for standing up to him as much as you did. Next time, YOUR alarms need to go off and louder and you need to listen to them faster. The kind of actions this guy took--that's what violent abusers do, that's how they start. Getting the woman apologizing for going to a coffee shop. The ultimate goal: woman stays home, doesn't go out because of his suspicious, she's cut off from family, cut off from friends, he controls money, he blocks phone. She's isolated. The terror and violence begin. She has no support system to help her resist. 

Edited April 22, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

Just because he had a bad experience shouldn't be on you to prove anything. He's damaged and obviously not ready mentally to be in another relationship or he's just that kind of personality. Either way, this is a red flag, and you should have walked away from him before anything got started. You didn't miss out on anything. You dodged a bullet. You did nothing wrong, and there was nothing you could have done to change things. Let it go and move on.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Generally possessiveness and extreme jealous are red flags, so you dodged a bullet.

I completely agree.  When someone has a problem trusting you without having a reason it's a red flag that they are the one who can't be trusted.  That has happened to me.  A guy I used to date was jealous of everywhere I went or anybody I would see.  Come to find out he was the one cheating on me.  Don't feel bad about losing him because now you know what to look for in future relationships.  Mutual trust.

[JTSW]

If he can't trust anyone then he will never have a successful relationship.

He creates red flags when they are not there. 

Maybe you could have suggested that he see a therapist.

I hope he does this because he is denying he is the issue which is destroying any relationship he enters in to.

[ShyViolet]

Your ex was toxic.  If you are ever dating someone and they start acting like this, you simply need to dump them.  No self-respecting person lets someone treat them like this.  You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who behaves this way.  This guy needs a wake-up call that he needs to work on his issues and knock off his toxic, emotionally abusive behavior if he ever wants to have a healthy relationship again.