Dating 10 months and still not ready for a relationship

[Dogmom]

I’ve been dating a guy for 10 months. We started dating 6 months after he ended a 5 year relationship and he didn’t get with a lot of women before that. But now he’s at just peak in attractiveness and get a lot of female attention.

I really like him and love him on some level. I’ve grown attached and get really sad at the thought of us not being together. He’s my best friend; most of the time he’s a better friend to me than those I’ve know for a long while. I want exclusivity. We’ve had that conversation over and over and he’s not ready. He wants to be able to hook up with another woman if we wants to even though this hurts me. He feels it’s something he needs to do for himself at this point in time. He really likes me and wants to keep and protect me while he goes through this phase of wanting casual sex. And wants us to be together in the future but he’s not ready now. I’m not sure when he will be ready. 

Several times I’ve tried to break it off because I’m not okay with it. We’ve been dating a while and I’m attached and get hurt by all this, not to mention the risk to my sexual health. 
 

I break it off because he’s hurting me and it seems like a red flag. I don’t want to share.

but a part of me understands he needs time before he’s ready to do a relationship again.

I'm looking for support and words of wisdom.

Edited April 19, 2023 by Dogmom

[Dogmom]

I should add that I’m the only person he’s dating. But he has hooked up with other women while we’ve been dating and still want to ability to do that. Like I said , he says it’s something he needs to do for himself now because he hasn’t been able to do that before. He says it’s recreational and nothing more. He’s not ready to get back into anything exclusive but …of course… doesn’t want to lose me and when he’s ready, will commit again, and out of anyone, he’d commit to me. 

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Dogmom said:

He really likes me and wants to keep and protect me while he goes through this phase of wanting casual sex. And wants us to be together in the future but he’s not ready now. I’m not sure when he will be ready. 

This is kind of selfish on his part. He wants you to hang around while he sleeps with other women. He wants to sit on two chairs at the same time. This is unfair to you. Well, you might end up with some nasty STD or have your heart broken if he decides that he likes some other woman better. It's like you boosted his self esteem and off he goes to find other women (while still having you in the corner just in case). Break off with him, this is not going to end well for you. Even if he is going to come back to you after having played the field, do you want to commit to that kind of guy and have a family with him? Why are you even questioning this? Break off and slam a door in his face if by some miracle he comes to your doorsteps proclaiming his everlasting love for you at some time in the future. He is a tool, isn't he?

Unless you want to open up the relationship both ways and be able to date other guys as well. Who knows, if you go that way, you may find someone a lot better than this guy. 

37 minutes ago, Dogmom said:

He says it’s recreational and nothing more. He’s not ready to get back into anything exclusive but …of course… doesn’t want to lose me and when he’s ready, will commit again, and out of anyone, he’d commit to me. 

There is absolutely no guarantee that he is going to continue wanting to stay with you once he starts sleeping with other women.  And if he does, why would you want a guy who wasn't able to commit to you after ten month of dating in a first place?

[Dogmom]

Thanks for your input 

[NuevoYorko]

This is not good for you.

It's hurting you, and on a nuts and bolts level, it's simply an unwise investment of your time.   It's unlikely that he is going to get all of this out of his system and then be ready to settle down and be monogamous with you.  One part of being free to date and have sex with anyone, any time you want to is just that - FREEDOM.  That's what this is about, for him. I'm sure he does care for you as he says, but he is not ready, willing or able to give you what you want and neither of you know whether he ever will be.

If he is serious about being with you after he gets all of this freedom out of his system, he can reach out to you when and if that time comes.  If you are available and still want this, that will be the time to try it.

 

[Weezy1973]

First thing I would change is your mindset. He’s not doing anything to hurt you. You’re choosing to stay therefore you’re hurting yourself. You’re in control here. You have the power to leave him. You don’t want to share, yet understand he still wants to have casual sex with others. 
 

My advice is as the saying goes - when you love somebody, set them free. Break up with him. You want different things. You’re not compatible.

[Dogmom]

Thank you to those who have offered advice.

I do like a lot of things about him and some traits I fear I won’t find again.

but I will admit I think I partly hang on out of fear that I won’t find what I’m looking for anyways and here is this guy who likes me and sees a future together but isn’t ready to dive in yet.

I think maybe opening my mind to dating others might be a good solution. 
 

my rational mind tells me I should leave but my heart and emotions are attached, so it’s hard.

I do think there may be an issue with self esteem that I’m dealing with as well.

Edited April 19, 2023 by Dogmom

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Dogmom said:

here is this guy who likes me and sees a future together but isn’t ready to dive in yet.

OP, no guy that wants a future with you is going to tell you that he wants to start hooking up with other women for unspecified period of time. This might work if both people agree on non-monogamous relationship. For how long is another question entirely. But you are not OK with the open relationship, so it is not going to bring you any happiness.

2 hours ago, Dogmom said:

I do think there may be an issue with self esteem that I’m dealing with as well.

I was actually going to ask you how you would rate your self-esteem. Because no person with a good level of self-esteem or self-worth is going to put up with the nonsense that this guy is spewing on you. He may not be a bad guy but he is not treating you right. This is a guy who wants to have it both ways. His freedom and you waiting for him for indefinite period of time somewhere in the corner. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Dogmom said:

I do like a lot of things about him and some traits I fear I won’t find again.

What traits are those? And if he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you does it matter?

 

2 hours ago, Dogmom said:

I do think there may be an issue with self esteem that I’m dealing with as well.

There’s no “may be” about it. Someone with healthy self esteem or more likely self worth, would not be in this situation.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Dogmom said:

 a part of me understands he needs time before he’s ready to do a relationship again.

Sorry this is happening. Be true to yourself and your feelings. No one "needs" to sleep around. 

You've tried to end it several times. Trust your instincts that this is a painful no-win situation for you.

Don't wait around for him. Instead cut your losses and invest in men who want what you want and are ready, willing and able to invest as much as you are in a relationship.

Listen to your heart and soul. Try to detach from the situation. If talking it through with your therapist helps, perhaps you can be guided away from such a toxic situation.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

There's no guarantee that he isn't going to meet the woman he does want to commit to while he's out having sex with other women.  He hasn't actually promised you a future with him.  If so, you'd already have a ring on your finger.  Men who want a future with a woman do not want to sleep with other women.  They want her.  He wants the best of both worlds or he's just mentioning a future with you to let you down easy.  You would be wise to let him go and move on to a man who only wants you.

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, Dogmom said:

He really likes me and wants to keep and protect me while he goes through this phase of wanting casual sex.

Yeah, you need to end this. He is clearly only thinking about himself. He is not “protecting you” if he is having casual sex with other women - he is hurting you emotionally and putting your health at risk (if you are also having sex with the man). 

When a man tells you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you - believe him. Have the self respect not to hang around until the day that he decides he’s ready to stop having sex with other women. If he wanted to be with you, he would be chose to be with you. This is just him - wanting to have his cake and it it too… at your expense. 

Edited April 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[Dogmom]

Thanks everyone. I’ve broken it off and deleted his number. It hurts but there’s no other way… I appreciate all of your support

now I just have to go through the grieving and healing process.

Edited April 21, 2023 by Dogmom

[Alvi]

7 minutes ago, Dogmom said:

Thanks everyone. I’ve broken it off and deleted his number. It hurts but there’s no other way… I appreciate all of your support

now I just have to go through the grieving and healing process.

Good for you! Trust me, I know that breaking up with someone that you love or attached to is not easy but there is really no other choice in your situation. Don't ever allow anybody to treat you that way. I am sure that you are going to find a great guy in the future that is going to want you and only you!

[Dogmom]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m not good with break ups but I may surprise myself with how quickly I bounce back. I need to reconnect with my self worth as was pointed out.

[JTSW]

Good for you OP.

You deserve so much better than this.

You were hanging onto his words about him wanting a future with you, but in reality, no-one knows what the future holds.

While he is spreading his seed anything could happen.

He could meet someone else that he really likes etc.

You did the right thing and you will get through this.

[Giovane]

On 4/21/2023 at 3:06 AM, Dogmom said:

Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m not good with break ups but I may surprise myself with how quickly I bounce back. I need to reconnect with my self worth as was pointed out.

Congratulations! You made the right choice. 👍 I hope you‘ll recover quickly and thoroughly!

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm glad you have ended it, OP. 

There was no future with this man. You would have wound up even more hurt when he eventually met a woman he does want to date, and left you high and dry. That was where this was going. 

In the future, don't wait this long for a man to commit to you. If it hasn't happened after 10 months, it was never going to. Onward and upward. 

[ShyViolet]

You had strong feelings for him, but unfortunately he did not have the same kind of feelings for you.  If he really wanted to be with you, after 10 months, he would have committed.  He would be jumping at the chance.  He made his priorities crystal clear.  You have to do what's best for you.