Old friend is starting to yell at me

[babybrowns]

Hello all

This is about one of my best friends. He used to be my line manager 8 years ago, and then when we both left that workplace we started hanging out a lot. Only platonically; he is homosexual. He’s in his mid 60s, I’m a female in my early 30s.

We have got very close over the years. We have travelled together many times, we hang out almost every week, we have been there for each other through thick and thin and love each other greatly.

A few months ago, my friend got diagnosed with a serious illness in the prostate for which he got lifesaving surgery. It has left him with some side effects which the doctor has said are temporary (will last about a year or so).

I have been there for him throughout all of this. He has often expressed his gratitude and appreciation to me and has said he can “confide things which he can’t speak to anyone else about” to me, and that I am like a “sister” to him.

However, he has started getting very bad moodswings and is appearing to be using me as his outlet. In all the years that I have known him I have never once snapped at him or said one unkind word, let alone yelled at him- I’ve always been my soft spoken self with him.

However, he has started being quite aggressive with me, to the point of yelling, which he has never done before with me. The last time that we met, I came from work (he is retired) and I was 12 minutes late. He yelled at me in the middle of the street for “always being late”. It was a very aggressive and unpleasant ordeal, lasting 10-15 seconds which almost left me in tears.

Over the course of that evening, he did start feeling bad about the unpleasant start to the evening which he gave me, and expressed a lot of remorse. He has said that his medical condition has got him quite low and depressed since the surgery has affected his sex life a little, which was huge for him prior to the illness. He also started crying and said, “he’s not been able to cry in 20 years, but he feels comfortable crying in front of me”.

It is great that he feels so close to me. However having been met with his aggressive behaviour a couple of times now, with him perhaps seeing me as the eternally soft spoken ‘sponge to his internal frustrations’,  I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him for now.

I am wondering whether it wouldn’t be unkind of me to keep some distance between me and him for a few months until the dust settles a bit? I do feel that his male friends are better placed to help him through this post-surgery phase which concerns his prostate and gay sex life.
 

At the same time I don’t want it to look like I’m ‘going away at this difficult time’. I have been there continuously for him but I do not think it fair that I should keep getting upset when we meet just because he is comfortable unleashing his frustrations out on me. I would love some advice please, thanks very much 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

 he did start feeling bad about the unpleasant start to the evening which he gave me, and expressed a lot of remorse

I am wondering whether it wouldn’t be unkind of me to keep some distance between me and him for a few months until the dust settles a bit?

Yes, step back for a while and let the dust settle. It's ok to be a supportive friend, however don't absorb displaced anger.  Since he did apologize, ask if he has considered a therapist to help him navigate the situation and manage his feelings about it.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering whether it wouldn’t be unkind of me to keep some distance between me and him for a few months until the dust settles a bit? 

I have been there continuously for him but I do not think it fair that I should keep getting upset when we meet just because he is comfortable unleashing his frustrations out on me.

This sounds like a good plan.

You could try talking to him about it and expressing how his aggressive behavior has been affecting you. Let him know that you still care about him and want to be there for him, but that you need to take some distance for now in order to take care of yourself. And then do it.

I think if you continue to offer your support right now it will just be a repeated cycle of him snapping and apologizing.

Edited April 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 

At the same time I don’t want it to look like I’m ‘going away at this difficult time’. 

Respectfully, who cares what it "looks like"?  You are not obligated to take verbal abuse or be anyone's doormat.  His health issues are no excuse for how he has been treating you.  You absolutely should take a step away from the friendship.  If I were you I would call him at a time that you are both calm, and tell him that you are not comfortable spending time with him right now due to his aggressive and poor behavior towards you.  If he wants to continue this friendship with you, he needs to figure out a way to refrain from being verbally abusive.  Period.  You can sympathize with his issues that he is going through, but you don't continue a friendship at the expense of your own emotional well-being.

[basil67]

If you value the friendship, I think you should raise the issue and give him a chance to fix things.  But if he does it again after you raise the issue, then I'd take some space....and not return until he gives you an apology and promises to respect you

If you choose to talk about it, may I suggest the following scaffold?   Perhaps do it at a time when things are calm

1. When you…state the specific action your partner takes.

2. I feel…share how you feel inside when your partner did that thing.

3. I imagine…try to imagine your partner’s perspective. How do you imagine they see the situation? Imagine a good intention.

4. I need/want…share what the frustrated part of you say that it needs in this situation. You want to identify what you need and want in this situation, not what you want your partner to do.

5. Would you…make a specific and concrete request to your partner.

  

[Mrin]

Yeah definitely step back. 

Just also wanted to add that he should look into something called "tri-mix". It might be able to help him in the sex department. I imagine he's already aware of it but if he's not he should look into it.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, babybrowns said:

. He has said that his medical condition has got him quite low and depressed since the surgery has affected his sex life a little 

Try not to talk about his medical condition or sex life. He has his physicians and can seek out therapy to adjust to  physiological and psychological changes.  If he's having difficulty in these areas, there are plenty of support options for him to pursue.  Focus more on your friendship and keeping it respectful. 

[FMW]

Yes, step back.  If he notices and asks why, be gentle but honest. 

[JTSW]

He takes his frustrations out on you and that's not right.

So yes, take a step back and let him know why you are doing it.

Hopefully he will understand that he can't use you as his emotional punch bag.