Can you fall back in love with your ex after losing feelings completely?

[Alex24101318]

Three months ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend, but I still loved him a lot and truly think he is my soul mate (I don't believe in soul mates but you know what I mean) 

The problem is, since I was so mad at him, I took a stupid decision: looking for another guy on a dating app

 

While looking at the guys in the dating app, I didn't truly want to find another boyfriend but still wanted my ex

Unfortunately I found a guy on Badoo that I immediately started to find interesting but a few days after talking to him, I had already lost interest but felt that I didn't love my ex anymore at the same time It's like talking to the other guy deleted my feelings for my ex 

 

Now, after three months, I don't care at all about the guy on Badoo but I still feel like I don't love my ex like I used too and I can't explain how frustrating and painful this is because I was madly in love with him

I still care about him a lot and want him to be my boyfriend and have a future with him 

Currently we are trying to fix our relationship 

 

The thing is: when I touch his skin it doesn't feel as soft as it did and the world seems less colorful and warm (you know the feeling of seeing everything more colorful when you're in love) and I don't like sex with him anymore... I think it's all about dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin 

Apart from this, we still have a fantastic connection mentally and I still like kissing him and saying "I love you", even if a bit less

I don't see him as a friend in the absolute way and I truly want to feel like I used to and make him happy 

I know love is not a feeling but a choice and from this perspective I do love him but without those chemicals of the "honeymoon phase" in my brain I'm really depressed and I can't make him happy if I'm depressed and overwhelmed 

 

I hope this is not too confusing

Now, do you think I could get my "madly in love" feeling back? Do you think I stopped loving him totally or is it just the limerence phase that is gone? 

I hope you won't judge me for not letting him go He doesn't want me to leave either until we are sure that my love for him is completely dead We both think we are too perfect for each other to give up on this so easily 

Edited March 8, 2023 by Alex24101318

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Alex24101318 said:

 I don't like sex with him anymore

How long were you together? What was the breakup about? Unfortunately you don't seem compatible or attracted to him anymore.

Keep in mind that on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Staying with him as a security blanket when your heart isn't into it wouldn't be fair to either of you.

This doesn't seem to be about love or limerence, it seems like you've outgrown each other but hang on anyway hoping to rekindle feelings.

[Alex24101318]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you together? What was the breakup about? Unfortunately you don't seem compatible or attracted to him anymore.

Keep in mind that on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Staying with him as a security blanket when your heart isn't into it wouldn't be fair to either of you.

This doesn't seem to be about love or limerence, it seems like you've outgrown each other but hang on anyway hoping to rekindle feelings.

We had been together for a year 

I broke up with him because in the last month of our relationship he was drinking too much and talking to him when he was drunk was impossible but when he wasn't we still had fantastic conversations

I told him to stop hurting himself like that but he went on drinking He's bipolar so he relied on drinking for a while Now I know he stopped and I'm happy for him and even if he was still drinking I would be available to help him again The first time he stopped drinking it was because I helped him through that and I was so happy about it 

We are still compatible, it's just that I've lost my "in love feeling" after talking to the other guy And now I'm sure I don't care about the other guy and that my ex is the only person I'm interested in I just want my feelings back 

Edited March 8, 2023 by Alex24101318

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex24101318 said:

 he went on drinking He's bipolar so he relied on drinking 

All you can do is seek help and support for people Involved with problem drinkers.

Between the untreated mental health issues and alcohol misuse it's time to reflect if this is the right man/relationship for you.

You can get help regarding trying to fix his alcohol problems.:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

[Alex24101318]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is seek help and support for people Involved with problem drinkers.

Between the untreated mental health issues and alcohol misuse it's time to reflect if this is the right man/relationship for you.

You can get help regarding trying to fix his alcohol problems.:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

He has a psychiatrist and I don't he doesn't drink as much anymore so the main problem is no longer that 

I am the problem with my feelings... I've been suffering a lot since my feelings change... I can't go on in life without him and I seemed help from a psychiatrist too because this all thing made me even more depressed than I already was clinically but no medicine has helped me since 

I know the only thing that would make me happy would be being in love with him again 

[JTSW]

It wont last this way.

You no longer like sex with him.

You no longer feel in love with him.

You may think you're perfect for each other but you are not compatible.

It's not fair to him to be with him when you feel this way.

Does he know you don't like sex with him anymore?

[Alex Loi]

Hi, I'm Alex Let me know if I need to open a presentation thread 

So the thing is, three months ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend because we were arguing too much in that period, but I still loved him a lot and truly think he is my soul mate

The problem is, since I was so mad at him and thought society would judge me for having a relationship with him even tho we argued so much, I decided to find another boyfriend on a dating app

While looking at the guys in the dating app, I didn't truly want to find another boyfriend but still wanted my ex
Unfortunately I found a guy on Badoo that I immediately started to find interesting but a few days after talking to him, I had already lost interest but felt that I didn't love my ex anymore at the same time

Now, after three months, I don't care at all about the guy on Badoo but I still feel like I don't love my ex like I used too and I can't explain how frustrating this is because I was madly in love with him
I still care about him a lot and want him to be my boyfriend and I would marry him
Currently we are trying to fix our relationship

The thing is: when I touch his skin it doesn't feel as good as it was and the world seems less colorful and warm (you know the feeling of seeing everything more colorful when you're in love) and I don't like sex with him anymore
Apart from this, we still have a fantastic connection mentally and I still like kissing him and saying "I love you", even if a bit less
I don't see him as a friend in the absolute way and I truly want to feel like I used to and marry him

I hope this is not too confusing
Now, do you think I could get my "madly in love" feeling back? I don't want to hear "It's not that deep, just move on" or things like that If it was that simple, I would've done it already 

[basil67]

If your feelings are gone, then they are gone.  That you didn't fall for the next guy you dated doesn't mean that the one before was your perfect match.  And that you don't like sex with him underscores that he's no longer your person.

I have no idea what you mean about everything being more colourful when you're in love. Perhaps take a break from romantic fiction?

Edited March 31, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Alex Loi said:

  I don't like sex with him anymore

Unfortunately you seem attached but have lost feelings for him.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Alex Loi]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem attached but have lost feelings for him.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, he's the same man

I didn't remember I had posted on here already 

[Alex Loi]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If your feelings are gone, then they are gone.  That you didn't fall for the next guy you dated doesn't mean that the one before was your perfect match.  And that you don't like sex with him underscores that he's no longer your person.

I have no idea what you mean about everything being more colourful when you're in love. Perhaps take a break from romantic fiction?

Unfortunately I am 100% sure my ex was my perfect match It's just me being stupid 

I f***ed up 

[JTSW]

In your previous post you said you don't love him.

You don't like sex with him anymore.

It's not going to work.

 

Edited April 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote w/language

[JTSW]

28 minutes ago, Alex Loi said:

I didn't remember I had posted on here already 

It was only 2 weeks ago and the post is identical word for word on both.

Like you copied and pasted most of it.

You have created a new account to continue trying to get validation.

Edited March 31, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex Loi said:

 thought society would judge me for having a relationship with him even tho we argued so much, I decided to find another boyfriend on a dating app

Why would "society" judge you?  You mentioned he has bipolar disorder and alcohol problems. You also mentioned that toward the end you argued too much.

It seems like you may be in love with the idea of a  Disney relationship or the idea of a prince charming BF.

Unfortunately the dilemma seems to be that you're incompatible yet attached. You didn't make a mistake, if you ended things due to chronic arguments and lack of attraction.

[Alex Loi]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would "society" judge you?  You mentioned he has bipolar disorder and alcohol problems. You also mentioned that toward the end you argued too much.

It seems like you may be in love with the idea of a  Disney relationship or the idea of a prince charming BF.

Unfortunately the dilemma seems to be that you're incompatible yet attached. You didn't make a mistake, if you ended things due to chronic arguments and lack of attraction.

I didn't end it for lack of attraction, I ended it for the arguments but it wasn't chronic arguments... btw, it seems like there is nothing to do 

Edited March 31, 2023 by Alex Loi

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/31/2023 at 12:32 PM, Alex Loi said:

do you think I could get my "madly in love" feeling back?

No. You have outgrown the relationship. It's time to stop trying to force yourself to feel things you just don't feel anymore. 

On 3/31/2023 at 1:14 PM, Alex Loi said:

I am 100% sure my ex was my perfect match It's just me being stupid 

You are wrong. You aren't ready to admit it yet, but in time you will see that you are spinning your wheels with him for no reason. This ship has sailed.