Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[basil67]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I did not, it was kinda mutually assumed that I would be there mainly so we can see each other again. 

How do you know the assumption is mutual? Or that she wants as much time with you as you do with her?

Edited August 25, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

we mutually invited each other to visit our respective cities. Just like me, she lives in a big European city. I haven't visited that city in quite a while and had plan to visit it again anyways prior to meeting her so now it's just a potential plus for me

Re-read your own words. 

If seeing her is just a potential plus, why the need for her to invest and show she cares more? According to you, you'd already loosely planned to go again anyway. If she's able to hang out a bit, great. If not, you're still visiting a city you already wanted to return to. Right?

Or are you not being real with yourself that your intention is actually to visit her? 

[Kassieee]

I think you should wait and see how your relationship with her goes prior to making official plans to see her again. You're stressing about all this, but how do you know you two will even be talking two months from now. 

  

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Going to a barbecue with friends on the day of my stay instead of hanging out with me even though you knew full well months in advance when I was coming is very much NOT out of people's control. I cannot really trust something like this not to happen again with someone else. 

So they couldn't be there for you on day one.  Were they there for you on day two?

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

How do you know the assumption is mutual? Or that she wants as much time with you as you do with her?

I just think that if she didn't want as much time with me as I do with her, she wouldn't keep bringing up my visit.

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I did not, it was kinda mutually assumed that I would be there mainly so we can see each other again. I would still come one day maybe even if she wasn't there or willing to see me but while we're still in touch it would feel very weird and unnatural to do that. 

This is your problem right here.

You shouldn't assume anything. 

Just be honest and tell her you would really like to spend some time with her and do so fun things together while you're there.

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Re-read your own words. 

If seeing her is just a potential plus, why the need for her to invest and show she cares more? According to you, you'd already loosely planned to go again anyway. If she's able to hang out a bit, great. If not, you're still visiting a city you already wanted to return to. Right?

Or are you not being real with yourself that your intention is actually to visit her? 

I loosely planned to go again anyways in a few years maybe but it wouldn't be as "urgent" if she wasn't living there.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

I think you should wait and see how your relationship with her goes prior to making official plans to see her again. You're stressing about all this, but how do you know you two will even be talking two months from now. 

  

I don't know that, that's why in my last message I said I won't focus as much on my visit now and that we can talk about it later on if she wants to.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So they couldn't be there for you on day one.  Were they there for you on day two?

They were but then after I flew back to where I was living at the time I started to see certain attitudes and behavior patterns which I felt were disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. 

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

I think you should wait and see how your relationship with her goes prior to making official plans to see her again.

They're not in a relationship.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This is your problem right here.

You shouldn't assume anything. 

Just be honest and tell her you would really like to spend some time with her and do things together while you're there.

By now I think she knows that, she just doesn't know yet that I'm not necessarily pleased about booking a hotel room because I have a feeling this will lead to us barely spending any quality time together. And the problem is that there is no way to communicate that to her without making it feel as if I absolutely want to come over at her new place when she gets one. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

By now I think she knows that, she just doesn't know yet that I'm not necessarily pleased about booking a hotel room because I have a feeling this will lead to us barely spending any quality time together. And the problem is that there is no way to communicate that to her without making it feel as if I absolutely want to come over at her new place when she gets one. 

Again, you're way overthinking and again you are assuming too much.

Look up things to do and places to visit in her city. 

Tell her you are booking a hotel and show her the things you are looking at doing and visiting and tell her you would love for her to come along with you.

And also say that if there is anything she would like to suggest to do/see/visit, you will be happy to go along with.

It doesn't have to be difficult.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I'm not necessarily pleased about booking a hotel room

Woman here. Real talk coming your way, son: 

Something you need to get very clear with right now is that in the interest of her safety, it would be downright foolish to have a man she has met once come and stay in her home.

You two don't know each other well at all. Spending one or two days together and messaging does not give her enough information about you to have any clue if you are a safe person. It doesn't matter if you are the best guy out there - she does not know you like that. 

Time to step out of your own head and understand that we as women navigate the world differently because we have to. You are not considering the position you would be putting her in, but you need a serious reality check. 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here. Real talk coming your way, son: 

Something you need to get very clear with right now is that in the interest of her safety, it would be downright foolish to have a man she has met once come and stay in her home.

You two don't know each other well at all. Spending one or two days together and messaging does not give her enough information about you to have any clue if you are a safe person. It doesn't matter if you are the best guy out there - she does not know you like that. 

Time to step out of your own head and understand that we as women navigate the world differently because we have to. You are not considering the position you would be putting her in, but you need a serious reality check. 

 

Then I wish she just told me straight up that she does not feel comfortable having me over instead of going on about how she loves to have people over. I did not force her to say that. I also explained why I wasn't too pleased about booking a hotel room. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[TheEternalPessimist]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Again, you're way overthinking and again you are assuming too much.

Look up things to do and places to visit in her city. 

Tell her you are booking a hotel and show her the things you are looking at doing and visiting and tell her you would love for her to come along with you.

And also say that if there is anything she would like to suggest to do/see/visit, you will be happy to go along with.

It doesn't have to be difficult.

I'm not booking anything or telling her anything about my trip yet until I clearly see how she feels about me visiting. 

[JTSW]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

Then I wish she just told me straight up that she does not feel comfortable having me over instead of going on about how she loves to have people over. I did not force her to say that. 

No but you took it the wrong way.

She has friends over.

You are practically a stranger.

That's a massive difference.

She was telling you in her own polite way that she doesn't want you to stay with her because she's not comfortable with the idea.

You are refusing to even try and understand this.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I'm not booking anything or telling her anything about my trip yet until I clearly see how she feels about me visiting. 

Then you'll never get anywhere with anyone in life if you go about things this way.

Ask her straight how she feels about you visiting her.

You won't know any other way.

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Then I wish she just told me straight up that she does not feel comfortable having me over

You're a grown man. Do you really need it spelled out to you that a woman you hardly know might not feel comfortable having you stay in her house?

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No but you took it the wrong way.

She has friends over.

You are practically a stranger.

That's a massive difference.

She was telling you in her own polite way that she doesn't want you to stay with her because she's not comfortable with the idea.

You are refusing to even try and understand this.

That's one interpretation and I have no idea who she has over. Why tell me though that she likes to have people over if she doesn't want to have me stay with her eventually? 

[JTSW]

You like people to upfront an honest with you and there is nothing wrong with that.

But you need to realise how you come across to people too.

You are a difficult person to please, with a lack of understanding or refusal to understand.

You need to sit and think about everything everyone has been saying to you here.

It'll be good for you to take it all in and at least try to understand.

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

That's one interpretation and I have no idea who she has over. Why tell me though that she likes to have people over if she doesn't want to have me stay with her eventually? 

She means people she knows.

She doesn't know you.

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then you'll never get anywhere with anyone in life if you go about things this way.

Ask her straight how she feels about you visiting her.

You won't know any other way.

I don't know how to ask her that straight and it's a weird question to ask. My gut feeling is that she is willing to (maybe) spend some time with me if I come over but that she won't invest herself much. Who's to say she also won't plan something at the last minute like some of my friends did 10 years ago?

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

You like people to upfront an honest with you and there is nothing wrong with that.

But you need to realise how you come across to people too.

You are a difficult person to please, with a lack of understanding or refusal to understand.

You need to sit and think about everything everyone has been saying to you here.

It'll be good for you to take it all in and at least try to understand.

I bet none of the people I talked about here have ever done that themselves. It's always up to me to adapt, it's always expected of me to adapt, I'm honestly getting tired of it. 

[JTSW]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't know how to ask her that straight and it's a weird question to ask. My gut feeling is that she is willing to (maybe) spend some time with me if I come over but that she won't invest herself much. Who's to say she also won't plan something at the last minute like some of my friends did 10 years ago?

Well you don't know any of this unless you ask her.

Have you considered going into therapy?

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I bet none of the people I talked about here have ever done that themselves. It's always up to me to adapt, it's always expected of me to adapt, I'm honestly getting tired of it. 

Consult with a therapist.