Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[TheEternalPessimist]

This is going to be long but bear with me please.

Recently I took a one week vacation in my home country where I met and bonded with a French girl two years younger than me (we are both in our late 20s, I'm 28 and she is 26). For the purpose of this post, we'll call her Charlotte. I was walking in the old town of the capital city and noticed that she was looking at souvenirs so I greeted her with a 'welcome to xxxx' and we hit it off. She was accompanied by a girl she met somewhere else in town and later on a guy from her hostel joined us and us four ended up spending the rest of the day together, from about 3 pm to 11 pm or so. This was totally unplanned and spontaneous, normally when I greet tourists in my home country we just talk for a few minutes or at most we have a drink but we never end up spending the whole day together. I told them a lot about my home country and had to somehow act as if I was a tour guide at times but I didn't mind. I also explained things seperately to her in French since I speak the language fluently. It was hard to talk to her one-on-one since we were always at least accompanied by another person but I thought we bonded quite well and she had a lot of questions about the country which was very nice. Towards the evening, we were sitting at a bar and I told her it would be nice to stay in touch given how much time we spent together and the fact that we both speak French. She was staying at a youth hostel in the old town and I was staying in a hotel in a suburb. 

Two days later, I had plans to go to another town and it turns out she had planned the same thing alone. Not expecting much, I told her we could maybe go together if she wanted. I said I had other plans in that town for the day but that they weren't super important and could be pushed back to another visit. The day after we first met, she texted me early saying she wanted to go there and asking me if I wanted to accompany her, I of course accepted. Initially, we had kinda planned to see some things seperately, she wanted to take a free walking tour and I was going to go to a new museum that had recently opened but in the end she opted to just spend the day with me. It was her own choice, I didn't ask her to spend the day with me and I would have been perfectly fine with her going to that free walking tour on her own while I was at the museum. She also initially wanted to visit some museums with me but ended up changing her mind as the day progressed.

We both got up around 5 am, took the train to that other town and talked for the whole 2-hour trip. Then once we arrived I took her to the town's major tourist attraction. I put on some local music on my phone, we took a few pictures and I told her about the history of that place. We also talked a lot about our families, showed each other pictures of our parents, grandparents etc., talked about the countries we live in (she lives in France, I live in Germany). We went outside of town to a natural park which I suggested she should see. Looking back, I feel like I shared a lot of things with her that maybe I should have waited longer to share. I also indirectly or directly exposed some of my weaknesses which looking back was definitely not a smart thing to do and I have no idea why I did that. I told her the day before that she was quite tall for a girl so we talked a bit about that again. I didn't say I hated my height but I think maybe she could tell it was a big issue for me since I brought up height twice as a topic. We have exactly the same height only I'm quite short for a man and she is quite tall for a woman (we are both 5'8 or 173 cm tall). 

That evening we took the train back to the capital city, during the day spent in the other town she suggested we should continue to hang out once we get back to the capital city,  have a meal etc. I didn't have that in mind but I accepted because it was my last day in my home country before flying back and I thought I was having a good time with her. I told her she would be welcome to visit me in Germany if she wanted to and she said I was welcomed to visit her in France if I wanted to, said she liked having people over but that she was living in a small apartment so it was a bit tricky at times. Throughout the day, she apologized profusely about some of the questions she was asking about my country, said I didn't have to 'do this' if I didn't want to (do this as in be her free private guide I guess). I said I didn't mind that and that we had long gotten past the stage of free private guide at that point and that she should think of it as two friends talking now. We had a nice evening back in the capital city, I accompanied her to her hostel and we agreed to stay in touch. She texted me after I left to thank me for everything, saying she wanted to stay in touch and we texted a bit back and forth, I offered her some suggestions since I was flying back the next morning and she was staying for one more day. My home country was her first solo trip outside France, she said she felt extremely safe at all times.

If there is one thing you should know about me is that I barely have any friends in real life, I have become a very secluded person in the past 3-4 years due to bad experiences notably with roommates and also because I just can't be bother to go out and meet new people unless I'm traveling to another country. I have consistently spent more time talking to her during those 2 days than I have consistently spent time talking to anyone over the past 2 years. I briefly told her about a bad experience with a previous roommate of mine when I was studying in another country but did not go into full details and did not disclose that I don't have any friends though maybe she could tell, I don't know. I am also a virgin, never had a girlfriend before and barely ever kissed a girl. I managed to find out that she is single but we didn't talk about past relationships or about sex. Obviously, I did not tell her I was a virgin or that I never had a girlfriend before but maybe she could tell. With that being said, I thought it was nice that she is single since 99,9% of women I meet on trips or in everyday life are not single. On the contrary, they are all in fabulous and long-lasting relationships, at least that's what it feels like to me anyways.

So here we are, we are both back home (or at least she will be by the time this is posted and read) and I don't know what to make of all of this, I don't understand this situation, what to do next and where to go next. Since I came back, I can't stop thinking about her and the good times we had together. Maybe it's because I love her but it could also be a case of me spending too much time alone and not hanging out with someone for years now so hanging out so much with her made me feel rejuvenated. I really want to see her again but I don't know what kind of friendship/relationship we can even realistically have, I don't even know what I want and I'm afraid I could be lying to myself. I would even argue that I feel like I was a bit taken advantage of by her, especially if whatever we have eventually falls apart due to the distance or because she doesn't work to keep it going which has often been my case in the several long-distant friendships I've had in the past 10 years. Obviously I'm not blaming her for feeling taken advantage of, I voluntarily chose to spend time with her again and somewhat act as her private guide (even though that wasn't my goal) after that first day of hanging out with two other people. I could have easily said no but saying no didn't feel right to me given how much we clicked and how many things we had in common. Plus, I like talking to people, I work as a reporter so it's part of my job. With that being said, I don't know a lot of guys or people in general who would be willing to spend a whole day with a tourist and a complete stranger walking around two cities with them, telling them about the country's history, I feel like a creep. I also don't know how I truly feel about her. I can't really say that I am attracted to her per se but at the same time I haven't bonded this much with a woman or just a person in general in ages and I told her as much. I can tell she genuinely likes my country, she complimented the food and the people a lot and I have a feeling she wants to come back there eventually. She even asked me for tips and advice about learning the language. 

If you have any suggestions, thoughts or questions, I would love to read them and figure this all out hopefully because I am extremely confused and don't know where to go next. Part of me wishes we had met when we were both a bit younger, I told her as much. Part of me is afraid that if I see her again, I will eventually be tempted to make a move on her and will 100% get rejected because I suck. Worse, I'm afraid I will be heartbroken if she meets someone else and gets in a relationship. At the same time, I can't imagine not talking to her or not seeing her ever again. I am confused like never before. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I would even argue that I feel like I was a bit taken advantage of by her, 

It sounds like a fantastic vacation adventure. You both enjoyed it, made a friend, but no one "took advantage of" anyone. Stay in touch and enjoy your new connection. See how it goes.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I know no one took advantage of anyone, I'm just saying that if we do not stay in touch because of her behavior or she starts being flaky, I will feel as if I was taken advantage of but that's not the issue here. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I know no one took advantage of anyone, I'm just saying that if we do not stay in touch because of her behavior or she starts being flaky, I will feel as if I was taken advantage of but that's not the issue here. 

The title of your thread includes "whether I was taken advantage of."

You were not.  Regardless of how she behaves from here on out has no bearing.   

The two of you enjoyed your time together and that stands on its own.

She was traveling. So were you.   Many people are very able to live in the moment when traveling; their experiences during the journey don't have to be very connected to parts of their everyday life. 

Frankly,  it sounds like you were very fortunate to have this experience because it was positive and fun.  But you seem to be putting a spin on in like she somehow owes you for your time:  

6 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't know a lot of guys or people in general who would be willing to spend a whole day with a tourist and a complete stranger walking around two cities with them, telling them about the country's history,

Relationships with other people involve taking risks.  You don't have to look at your experience with her as much of a risk, since you benefitted from it a lot yourself.  Win/win.  OTOH if you make a move on her, that would be a risk.  Is it worth taking?  That's up to you.  But if it doesn't go your way, you need to just brush it off with a sigh of disappointment, and not make it about being taken advantage of, or her being a "flake" or something similar.  Just a risk you took that did not happen to go your way this time.

But good job being available for the experience and making the most of it, no matter what happens next.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I'm just saying that if we do not stay in touch because of her behavior or she starts being flaky, I will feel as if I was taken advantage of but that's not the issue here. 

It's very possible that she will not stay in touch with you.  You live in two different countries.  That isn't something that normally allows for a consistent friendship or relationship.  If you end up feeling "taken advantage of" by that, you are free to feel however you want but it's not justified or based on reality.  The fact is that we sometimes have short-lived, fleeting interactions with other humans.  We sometimes cross paths with people in life but it doesn't mean it's going to lead to an ongoing relationship.  Which in this case i strongly doubt it will, since you don't even live in the same country.

I think you are fixated on the idea of this girl simply because you haven't had much human interaction, friendships or relationships with people in the last few years.  So any interaction with another person, even if it's a person who you didn't have particularly amazing chemistry with, feels "special" to you.  Just keep your expectations realistic here and don't make more of this than it was.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

The title of your thread includes "whether I was taken advantage of."

You were not.  Regardless of how she behaves from here on out has no bearing.   

The two of you enjoyed your time together and that stands on its own.

She was traveling. So were you.   Many people are very able to live in the moment when traveling; their experiences during the journey don't have to be very connected to parts of their everyday life. 

Frankly,  it sounds like you were very fortunate to have this experience because it was positive and fun.  But you seem to be putting a spin on in like she somehow owes you for your time:  

Relationships with other people involve taking risks.  You don't have to look at your experience with her as much of a risk, since you benefitted from it a lot yourself.  Win/win.  OTOH if you make a move on her, that would be a risk.  Is it worth taking?  That's up to you.  But if it doesn't go your way, you need to just brush it off with a sigh of disappointment, and not make it about being taken advantage of, or her being a "flake" or something similar.  Just a risk you took that did not happen to go your way this time.

But good job being available for the experience and making the most of it, no matter what happens next.

I am confused about many things going forward, being potentially taken advantage of is just one of them but not the main one. 

How did I benefit from it a lot myself? I had other plans and things I wanted to do and visit initially. They weren't important, they didn't absolutely have to be visited but I still had other plans initially regardless.

This time? It never goes my way anyways. 

Good job yeah unless it turns out it was all a waste of time and energy which will depend on her. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It's very possible that she will not stay in touch with you.  You live in two different countries.  That isn't something that normally allows for a consistent friendship or relationship.  If you end up feeling "taken advantage of" by that, you are free to feel however you want but it's not justified or based on reality.  The fact is that we sometimes have short-lived, fleeting interactions with other humans.  We sometimes cross paths with people in life but it doesn't mean it's going to lead to an ongoing relationship.  Which in this case i strongly doubt it will, since you don't even live in the same country.

I think you are fixated on the idea of this girl simply because you haven't had much human interaction, friendships or relationships with people in the last few years.  So any interaction with another person, even if it's a person who you didn't have particularly amazing chemistry with, feels "special" to you.  Just keep your expectations realistic here and don't make more of this than it was.

What would constitute making more of this than it was?

[ShyViolet]

49 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

What would constitute making more of this than it was?

Here is what it was: a fun, spontaneous adventure with another human that you met while on vacation.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You are already making it more than it was by overthinking about the possibility that she won't stay in touch with you or it won't lead to some kind of ongoing relationship.  You are becoming pre-emptively resentful about the possibility that she won't continue to stay in touch with you.  You are talking about it in almost transactional terms (if she doesn't stay in touch, then it was a "waste of time and energy").  You need to learn to enjoy experiences just for what they are, without placing this heavy condition on it that it was only "not a waste of time and energy" if the person does xyz that you expect from them in the future.  We have no control over that.  The experience should have meaning and value to you for having happened and for having been enjoyable, even if you never hear from her again.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 it was all a waste of time and energy which will depend on her. 

Try not to confuse a fun, spontaneous adventure you enjoyed with investing in a relationship.  Perhaps it was a fleeting adventure. Perhaps you'll stay in touch and see each other again. Perhaps it will just be a fond memory. Either way it was unplanned, you had fun and that's all part of a vacation.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to confuse a fun, spontaneous adventure you enjoyed with investing in a relationship.  Perhaps it was a fleeting adventure. Perhaps you'll stay in touch and see each other again. Perhaps it will just be a fond memory. Either way it was unplanned, you had fun and that's all part of a vacation.

I usually only really have fun if it's not a one time thing which this might be. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Here is what it was: a fun, spontaneous adventure with another human that you met while on vacation.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You are already making it more than it was by overthinking about the possibility that she won't stay in touch with you or it won't lead to some kind of ongoing relationship.  You are becoming pre-emptively resentful about the possibility that she won't continue to stay in touch with you.  You are talking about it in almost transactional terms (if she doesn't stay in touch, then it was a "waste of time and energy").  You need to learn to enjoy experiences just for what they are, without placing this heavy condition on it that it was only "not a waste of time and energy" if the person does xyz that you expect from them in the future.  We have no control over that.  The experience should have meaning and value to you for having happened and for having been enjoyable, even if you never hear from her again.

Well wouldn't you think that if you spent a whole day with someone teaching them about your country and answering their questions?

Yeah, I am just not that kind of person to think of it this way.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Well wouldn't you think that if you spent a whole day with someone teaching them about your country and answering their questions?

Yeah, I am just not that kind of person to think of it this way.

No one forced you to do it.  You chose to do it.  If you were going into it with the attitude "if this doesn't lead to an ongoing relationship then I'm going to be resentful and feel that it was a waste of my time and energy" then you shouldn't have done it in the first place, because there is not a guarantee of that.

There is also *never* a guarantee of that, and so your attitude about it is unhealthy and self-defeating.  Perhaps this is the reason why you have had so much difficulty forming relationships in general.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

No one forced you to do it.  You chose to do it.  If you were going into it with the attitude "if this doesn't lead to an ongoing relationship then I'm going to be resentful and feel that it was a waste of my time and energy" then you shouldn't have done it in the first place, because there is not a guarantee of that.

There is also *never* a guarantee of that, and so your attitude about it is unhealthy and self-defeating.  Perhaps this is the reason why you have had so much difficulty forming relationships in general.

Yes, out of the goodness of my heart.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Yes, out of the goodness of my heart.

Well yes.  When any of us do something nice for someone, it's out of the goodness of our heart.  The more often a person exercises this, the nicer (and daresay, happier) we are.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time with a new person.  In my experience, holiday connections do not last - but that a connection is short shouldn't take away from the pleasure it brings.  Whether you keep this as a fond memory or a memory you resent is entirely up to you.   

 

[mortensorchid]

Try not to confuse "having a good time" with the start of a relationship.  I don't see how it was that she took advantage of you in any way.  There were times that I was at a bar or something, or on an internet date or the like that I met someone and we just had an evening of chit chat.  I would never hear from that person ever again, but it's what it is.  Did you ever hear from her again or did you ever reach out to her again?  If so how did that go?  

[TheEternalPessimist]

I never said it's the start of a relationship, I know it's not. 

She is back in her home country now. I sent her a message this morning which she has since seen but not replied yet. It's ok though, it's only been a day so I want to give her more time.

[TheEternalPessimist]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Well yes.  When any of us do something nice for someone, it's out of the goodness of our heart.  The more often a person exercises this, the nicer (and daresay, happier) we are.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time with a new person.  In my experience, holiday connections do not last - but that a connection is short shouldn't take away from the pleasure it brings.  Whether you keep this as a fond memory or a memory you resent is entirely up to you.   

 

It will entirely depend on her if it ends up being a fond memory or a memory I resent. 

[BrinnM]

So you developed a crush on a young lady while both of you were traveling. That’s nothing out of the ordinary, but you sound a bit “obsessed”, for lack of a better word. You met by chance, spent some time with one another, and now you’re both home. And as far as I understand it, there wasn’t any discussion about any romantic interest/involvement or any discussion about future meetings, or anything of that type. You didn’t kiss. You didn’t have sex. What is it that you’re expecting?
There’s nothing there, really. It was a once in a lifetime experience, and a good one! It’s very unlikely anything more will develop. All you can “hope” for is a long-distance pen pal kinda friendship. Maybe a visit a few years down the road, if you stay somewhat connected through social media and whatnot, and if she’s in your area, or you in hers. 
Based on what you’re writing here, I don’t see any indication that anybody owes anything to the other person or that there is any romance involved. So: No reason to be disappointed & no reason to complain about wasted time. I’m sure she has enriched your life, and you’ve enriched hers. It’s a great story to tell your grandkids when you’re older. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't know if I developed a crush, it's hard to explain and it's confusing as hell.

'It’s a great story to tell your grandkids when you’re older'. Are you actually kidding me?

[BrinnM]

11 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It’s a great story to tell your grandkids when you’re older'. Are you actually kidding me?

Not at all. Why? My parents/grandmother told me all kinds of stories from when they traveled in their youth, and I loved them as a child - and those stories weren’t even half as interesting compared to yours.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Yes, out of the goodness of my heart.

That's kind of pompous.  I guess you made a mistake by spending your time with this woman.  

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It will entirely depend on her if it ends up being a fond memory or a memory I resent. 

No - your reactions are entirely on you.  She cannot control how you react.

Why would it be so terrible if this only turned out to be a lovely holiday adventure?

[TheEternalPessimist]

59 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Not at all. Why? My parents/grandmother told me all kinds of stories from when they traveled in their youth, and I loved them as a child - and those stories weren’t even half as interesting compared to yours.

There's nothing that interesting about my story and certainly nothing worth remembering or telling in 10-20 years. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No - your reactions are entirely on you.  She cannot control how you react.

Why would it be so terrible if this only turned out to be a lovely holiday adventure?

Because that's not what I wanted, I wanted a genuine connection/friendship/relationship afterwards. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's kind of pompous.  I guess you made a mistake by spending your time with this woman.  

Well it was out of the goodness of my heart so naturally I expect something in return at some point, it's only fair.