Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

What you can't seem to accept is that there is always a possibility of things changing that can be out of people's control.

You like things set in stone, your way, with no interuptions.

Going to a barbecue with friends on the day of my stay instead of hanging out with me even though you knew full well months in advance when I was coming is very much NOT out of people's control. I cannot really trust something like this not to happen again with someone else. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Going to a barbecue with friends on the day of my stay instead of hanging out with me even though you knew full well months in advance when I was coming is very much NOT out of people's control. I cannot really trust something like this not to happen again with someone else. 

How many days were you planning to be in their city?

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How many days were you planning to be in their city?

Several and we did end up hanging out eventually though it wasn't off to a flying start. Later on I flew back to where I was living at the time, we had a huge disagreement over them taking me for granted and I decided to cut ties. Now I would rather cut ties (if I have to) before I give someone the chance to hurt me again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Going to a barbecue with friends on the day of my stay instead of hanging out with me even though you knew full well months in advance when I was coming is very much NOT out of people's control.

I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, so allow me to ask:

Were you invited to go to the barbecue too? It seems strange that this person knew you were coming to visit them, and made other plans and excluded you. 

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Going to a barbecue with friends on the day of my stay instead of hanging out with me

So, where was this barbeque? 

Was it held at your friends place where you were staying?

Or did they go somewhere and weren't there when you arrived?

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, so allow me to ask:

Were you invited to go to the barbecue too? It seems strange that this person knew you were coming to visit them, and made other plans and excluded you. 

No I wasn't invited and I didn't really care about being excluded, I care about this person knowing for months I would be coming on that specific day and still making plans with other people who they can see wherever they want as opposed to someone like me who at the time lived 8 hours away on another continent. That's what I meant when I said not feeling respected and being taken for granted. 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Several and we did end up hanging out eventually though it wasn't off to a flying start. Later on I flew back to where I was living at the time, we had a huge disagreement over them taking me for granted and I decided to cut ties. 

So you did catch up with them after. 

You're a hard taskmaster.  You'll end up with no friends if you don't learn to chill

Edited August 25, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

we had a huge disagreement over them taking me for granted and I decided to cut ties.

You do this allot I've noticed.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

So, where was this barbeque? 

Was it held at your friends place where you were staying?

Or did they go somewhere and weren't there when you arrived?

No it wasn't at my friend's place or anywhere near where I was staying. They planned something behindg my back knowing full well I was coming. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

You do this allot I've noticed.

What did you notice? Yes, I'll cut ties with anyone who I feel takes me for granted, doesn't respect me and doesn't appreciate what I do for them. It's what everyone should do.

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

You'll end up with no friends if you don't learn to chill

Agreed.

He continues to cut ties with people who don't give them their undivided attention.

He doesn't realise that he is the problem.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

No it wasn't at my friend's place or anywhere near where I was staying. They planned something behindg my back knowing full well I was coming. 

Did they tell you where they would be when you arrived?

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

What did you notice? Yes, I'll cut ties with anyone who I feel takes me for granted, doesn't respect me and doesn't appreciate what I do for them. It's what everyone should do.

Like I said, you have very high expectations.

Do you have any friends left?

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

Did they tell you where they would be when you arrived?

No, I learned at the last minute about the barbecue.

And just for the record, I'm not asking for undivided attention, just for basic common decency and respect in such situations. 

[ExpatInItaly]

What do your local friendships look like, OP?

You seem to try to make friends with people who live a plane-ride away, which is always going to be difficult to maintain. Do you see your local friends much? What's your social life like, excluding everyone who lives in other countries? 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

No, I learned at the last minute about the barbecue.

How did you learn? They called and told you?

[Wiseman2]

If you like globetrotting, especially visiting people and particularly if you expect to be hosted and entertained, you may have to be more flexible and accept that their lives don't come to a halt because you arrived and want to be entertained.  Be flexible. Find affordable accomodations for yourself, research the area and find things to do. If people are busy, just take a bus to a museum or go sightseeing. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Like I said, you have very high expectations.

Do you have any friends left?

Those are quite basic expectations. Not having someone plan something else on the side knowing full well I was coming on that day is not a very high expectation.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

How did you learn? They called and told you?

They texted me something like 'oh by the way I'll be going to a barbecue with friends when you're there'. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you like globetrotting, especially visiting people and particularly if you expect to be hosted and entertained, you may have to be more flexible and accept that their lives don't come to a halt because you arrived and want to be entertained.  Be flexible. Find affordable accomodations for yourself, research the area and find things to do. If people are busy, just take a bus to a museum or go sightseeing. 

I've been traveling all my life, I have no problems finding affordable accomodations or going to a museum or going sightseeing, this is not what this is about.

[JTSW]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

They texted me something like 'oh by the way I'll be going to a barbecue with friends when you're there'. 

Was it really worded just like that?

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Was it really worded just like that?

Yes, I remember that. And then I get accused of being unreasonable or having very high expectations when I say this is disrespectful towards me and unacceptable. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

this is not what this is about.

We get it. What you want is for this girl to give you a decent amount of her time while you are visiting.

That's fine but have you asked her if she would like to hangout and do things together while you're there?

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Yes, I remember that. And then I get accused of being unreasonable or having very high expectations when I say this is disrespectful towards me and unacceptable. 

We just think that you come off as rather intense and particular when it comes to your expectations.

We're not trying to offend you or anything.

We just say what we see.

I don't mean any offence.

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

We get it. What you want is for this girl to give you a decent amount of her time while you are visiting.

That's fine but have you asked her if she would like to hangout and do things together while you're there?

I did not, it was kinda mutually assumed that I would be there mainly so we can see each other again. I would still come one day maybe even if she wasn't there or willing to see me but while we're still in touch it would feel very weird and unnatural to do that.