Finally ready to meet, then ghosted

[ellie-]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

Yes. You say that you want to keep your distance from this man, but you continue to stay in contact. You are sending very mixed messages - as per the above quote.

You disclose something personal that brings you together, and then tell him that you don’t want to meet/you want distance. And then when he tells you that he has feelings for you, you pushed away again.

These are the cat and mouse games that people (in affairs and otherwise) like to play. I’m drawn to you, but I can’t be with you. I don’t want to fall in love with you, but I’m going to continue to text with you and tell you intimate things - building an intimate relationship with you - but I don’t want to see you and be intimate/in a relationship with you. Or do you? Really? 

Mixed messages here - your words say one thing but your actions say - I’m interested, I want to get to know you, I want to build a relationship with you… it was really only a matter of time until you offered to meet the man because your boundaries were very weak. 

Next time you meet a MM and you say that you want to keep your distance - do that. Actually put some distance between you - end all contact. 

As hard as all of this is to read for me. I understand and you are right. Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

Mixed messages from us both, as he ghosted me now. 

Lessons learned. I am young still and I figured this is the best way to deal with this. Now looking back, it was not. Next time I know better.

[BaileyB]

Next time you meet a married man on a dating site, block.

As we say on this site, next time you see another man like this coming, save yourself a lot of time and trouble and cross the street…

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[ellie-]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it was a given that you shouldn't trust a married man who sneaks around on his wife. That was a tough lesson learned for you here.

Lesson learned, indeed. 

Quote

Are you hoping to? Girl. He is a clown. You would be foolish to entertain any further communication from him, since there is no future here. 

If I am being honest, there's a part in me that hopes that he gets back to me. But then there's another part in me that knows it's really stupid, he is a clown and manipulative. I can do so much better. I think it's for the best to close this chapter and learn from my past mistakes and move on. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by ellie-

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, ellie- said:

If I am being honest, there's a part in me that hopes that he gets back to me. But then there's another part in me that knows it's really stupid

It's an exercise in futility, really. 

He isn't available to be with you. This won't ever amount to anything of substance, so it's simply up to you to decide how much more time and emotional energy you want to waste on this person. 

I would also then encourage you to reflect on why you let yourself get emotionally attached to this man you have never met. Sweet words should not be enough to do it, so I would examine which areas of your life need attention so that you don't go seeking out validation from dead-end situations in the future. 

[ellie-]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's an exercise in futility, really. 

He isn't available to be with you. This won't ever amount to anything of substance, so it's simply up to you to decide how much more time and emotional energy you want to waste on this person. 

I would also then encourage you to reflect on why you let yourself get emotionally attached to this man you have never met. Sweet words should not be enough to do it, so I would examine which areas of your life need attention so that you don't go seeking out validation from dead-end situations in the future. 

All of this makes sense. 

Do you think this emotional attachment was one sided?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, ellie- said:

Do you think this emotional attachment was one sided?

Probably, yes. 

I may have missed it, but when was the last time you two actually spoke on the phone or via a video-call?

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, ellie- said:

All of this makes sense. 

Do you think this emotional attachment was one sided?

You're still hung up on how much he cared for you.  He ghosted you so that should tell you how much you mean to him.

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, ellie- said:

If I am being honest, there's a part in me that hopes that he gets back to me.

This is the kind of thinking that gets women into affairs… You want the validation that he will call/that he cares about you.

Gather your dignity and self worth and make the decision - you don’t talk with married men who are not available to be in a relationship with you and this, wasting your precious time. The validation his call would provide is not worth much because you already know - you are worth more than this. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[ellie-]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably, yes. 

I may have missed it, but when was the last time you two actually spoke on the phone or via a video-call?

In February. We wrote a few messages with each other and he said he wishes I would be with him right now. We then had a short phone call after that where he told me he thought a lot about me because our last conversation wasn't too good. And I asked him how should it have been for it to be good and he replied that we should have seen each other and then was really angry at me and we hung up. 

After that we had very limited contact with him reaching out here and there and accidentally calling me a few times. 

Then I send the message last Sunday and then he ghosted me. 

 

[ellie-]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is the kind of thinking that gets women into affairs… You want the validation that he will call/that he cares about you.

Gather your dignity and self worth and make the decision - you don’t talk with married men who are not available to be in a relationship with you and this, wasting your precious time. The validation his call would provide is not worth much because you already know - you are worth more than this. 

Thank you, Bailey. It means a lot. 

[ellie-]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You're still hung up on how much he cared for you.  He ghosted you so that should tell you how much you mean to him.

Noted. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, ellie- said:

 

Quote

I had a few dates over the past weeks but this married man was still in my thoughts and I thought that if all it takes for this to maybe be something is to meet him, then so it be. For him to ghost me like this and leave me hanging leaves me surprised.

What exactly did you think it could be with a MM?  Here you admit you wanted to get further involved with MM even though you were dating other men.  

Quote

I was the one establishing boundaries, I was the one that stopped him when he said romantic things. That is why, in hindsight, I feel so manipulated and blindsided.

No you weren't establishing boundaries but dropping them in hopes to meet him and be together.  Talk is cheap.  Sleazy, cheating MM will say anything they think you might want to hear to get easy, cheap, sex.  If he had met up with you that is all that would have happened between you.  Be glad he didn't or you'd feel worse than you do now.

Quote

There's nothing I can do or say to change this. It is his decision to behave like this and I respect this. Even in my emotional unavailability I can see that this is not a respectful way to deal with someone, especially someone you pursued heavily over the course of a few years. 

 

What would you do to change this if you could?  He's a MM which you seem to have a hard time wrapping your head around.  You have not been emotionally unavailable to him but quite the opposite.  Nothing about what you two were doing was respectable so how do you expect respect?  How were you pursued heavily by him when you never even met and now he has ghosted you?  Anyone can write sweet words.  Without follow-up they mean nothing.

[ellie-]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What would you do to change this if you could?  He's a MM which you seem to have a hard time wrapping your head around.  You have not been emotionally unavailable to him but quite the opposite.  Nothing about what you two were doing was respectable so how do you expect respect?  How were you pursued heavily by him when you never even met and now he has ghosted you?  Anyone can write sweet words.  Without follow-up they mean nothing.

I knew that at one point I had to say goodbye or meet him, at least once to grab a coffee and see the person I have talked so much with. When I was on dates I felt that this chapter was not closed yet. That's why I reached out last week Sunday. But I have my answer now. 

I received lots of good feedback here today. Apparently, everything married men say or do is malicious and full of lies and I am a fool for believing I could expect anything else than being ghosted after this man talked to me like this for months/years. 

Chapter closed. Thank you for all of your feedback

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, ellie- said:

Apparently, everything married men say or do is malicious and full of lies and I am a fool for believing I could expect anything else than being ghosted after this man talked to me like this for months/years. 

If you want to know how he respects and treats a woman, look no further than how he treats his wife - the woman he pledged to love and honour for all his life. Does his wife know that he is on a dating site and communicating with other women?  

For all you know, you weren’t the only woman he was chatting with online. Perhaps he dropped you because another woman was a little more eager to meet/have sex. You just don’t know.

You simply can’t/shouldn’t trust a man who you know for fact to be dishonest and untrustworthy. The very circumstance of your meeting proves this fact. So yes, you were wrong to expect honesty, transparency, and respect from a man who is clearly not demonstrating any of these things in his marriage and his real life. 

When people show you who they truly are - believe them.

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

For all you know, you weren’t the only woman he was chatting with online. Perhaps he dropped you because another woman was a little more eager to meet/have sex. You just don’t know.

And this is usually the case with these men they are used to sweet talking women and that's why their words flow so easily.  

[mark clemson]

Dunno, to me this all sounds like a bunch of "game playing" on both your parts.

Maybe it's an "emotional affair" that he can't bring himself to bring to physical. After all, he has a lot to lose.

You asked him what's a woman in her 20's doing chasing after/falling for a man in his 50's who's married? A fair point, but really the question is why are YOU participating in this, apparently instead of actually dating?

You both go hot/cold and it seems to be an ingrained (and ultimately counter-productive) style for the two of you. Not showing up was just the latest example.

Relationships don't have to be this complicated, and the apparent fact that you're wasting what are arguably your best years toying with this man (as he toys with you) for "validation" instead of just dating someone available is the real elephant in the room here.

I would note in passing that your sample size for MM's is exactly one. People are serial monogamists and sometimes they go looking for potential new partners before closing out the existing relationship. Not the most fair, honest, or ethical thing to do, but that's life...

Edited March 27, 2023 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ellie- said:

Apparently, everything married men say or do is malicious and full of lies and I am a fool for believing I could expect anything else than being ghosted after this man talked to me like this for months/years. 

Yes, unfortunately, you have learned the hard way that it was wishful thinking to expect a married cheater to treat you with much dignity or respect. He doesn't give the most important woman in his life (his wife) that sort of respect, so it should not be a great shock that your feelings factor even less into his behaviour. 

3 hours ago, ellie- said:

at least once to grab a coffee and see the person I have talked so much with

What good would this have done, though? You would still go home alone while he waltzed back to his wife. And then what? It would have become even messier for you. 

3 hours ago, ellie- said:

Chapter closed.

Does this mean you have blocked him? Because if you haven't, the chapter is not closed. You are just waiting for him to continue the chapter. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What good would this have done, though? You would still go home alone while he waltzed back to his wife. And then what?

We’ve seen this play out time and again… then, she will wonder what it would be like to go on a date with the man. And then, she would want to know what it would be like to be kissed. And then, she would wonder what it would be like to go further…

This is the slippery slope that people talk about OP - it starts with the decision to continue talking to the man after you learn he is married and it ends in heartbreak. Rather than feeling regret that you didn’t get to explore this “opportunity” (really, there is no opportunity when the man is married to another woman), be grateful that this hasn’t gone so far that you can’t walk away and recover easily, your heart and your self esteem intact. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[Luna66star]

He's not dating you.  Why are you expecting better treatment?  You will be treated as extreme which includes ghosting, ignoring your messages, etc.  It won't get any better, no use venting on here.

Pack up and move on.  Don't look back!

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ellie- said:

Then I also said I had a date and he gasped and was shocked. That was the first time I thought I might have hurt him and I really regret it. Reading about the narrative this forum has about married men (which I mostly agree with), I think I went too far with what I said.

Oh Ellie, this isn't about you hurting him.  This is about his arrogance in thinking that a lovely young woman who's not attached wouldn't be dating.  After all, you knew he had a wife, so why shouldn't he know that you're dating? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

After all, you knew he had a wife, so why shouldn't he know that you're dating? 

Sadly, that is the expectation of many married men. They expect their affair partners to be faithful to them while they sleep beside their wives every night…

This is not singles dating Ellie. There are a different set of rules and expectations when one engages in an extramarital affair. And the benefits tends to be stacked inequitably in favour of the married partner. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Sadly, that is the expectation of many married men. They expect their affair partners to be faithful to them while they sleep beside their wives every night…

This is not singles dating Ellie. There are a different set of rules and expectations when one engages in an extramarital affair. And the benefits tends to be stacked inequitably in favour of the married partner. 

I just love how the OP broke those expectations and showed him up as a hypocrite!    Rules/expectations only work while people go along with them...

Edited March 28, 2023 by basil67

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, ellie- said:

When I opened up to him last year I talked about my reasons for not being emotionally available and that I did therapy because of this. That's what we bonded over.

I had a few dates over the past weeks but this married man was still in my thoughts and I thought that if all it takes for this to maybe be something is to meet him, then so it be. For him to ghost me like this and leave me hanging leaves me surprised. I was the one establishing boundaries, I was the one that stopped him when he said romantic things. That is why, in hindsight, I feel so manipulated and blindsided. 

There's nothing I can do or say to change this. It is his decision to behave like this and I respect this. Even in my emotional unavailability I can see that this is not a respectful way to deal with someone, especially someone you pursued heavily over the course of a few years. 

The entire relationship has been disrespectful to you 

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, ellie- said:

In February. We wrote a few messages with each other and he said he wishes I would be with him right now. We then had a short phone call after that where he told me he thought a lot about me because our last conversation wasn't too good. And I asked him how should it have been for it to be good and he replied that we should have seen each other

He probably did this with many other women.

[ellie-]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, unfortunately, you have learned the hard way that it was wishful thinking to expect a married cheater to treat you with much dignity or respect. He doesn't give the most important woman in his life (his wife) that sort of respect, so it should not be a great shock that your feelings factor even less into his behaviour. 

What good would this have done, though? You would still go home alone while he waltzed back to his wife. And then what? It would have become even messier for you. 

Does this mean you have blocked him? Because if you haven't, the chapter is not closed. You are just waiting for him to continue the chapter. 

Very good input. Thank you. 

As mentioned in one of my posts - we know each other in a professional context as well. I can block him but I won't do this. And knowing him, he will find ways to track me down if he wants to talk to me. There have been times where I ghosted him and he switched to all other outlets (I have a public presence). 

Closure comes from within. After reading all of the feedback here, I think I have a good understanding about me misinterpreting and misunderstanding the dynamic of our contact. It is what it is. I am still young and there's a lot I have to learn. I will just not reply anymore if he reaches out. But looking at him ghosting me now, I am not sure I will hear from him anytime soon. 

When it comes to him saying these things - it was never something that came from my end. We had pretty strict boundaries in the past years but it was last year when we got closer when he said all of those things. That's why I thought this was something different than it actually is. That is why I am surprised at his behaviour now, especially when I addressed this in January and his only response was to say that we need to talk about this in person. To me he insinuated that he in fact, is pretty serious about all this stuff, and can only talk about this when we meet in person. I know, I know ... stupid. But really, I am not hurt. Just really surprised. 

I didn't write a post here because I was madly in love with him. I wrote here because I was really surprised and didn't expect this behaviour, because he gave me the feeling our contact was different than it actually was. I genuinely thought he cared for me. I know - he doesn't and I am a fool to believe this. 

Again, I am just really surprised and didn't anticipate this. After years of being elusive to meet, I felt that if I finally offer to meet we would.