What does he want?

[Ray_xx]

I met a guy on a dating app about 8 weeks ago. He text me everyday, paid for meals, bought me gifts, drove 2 hours to see me, booked days off work to spend time with me and spoke about moving to my city if we were to progress any more serious. We slept together on the first date (which was a mistake as we were both drunk) then we slept together twice following this at his place and we had great sexual chemistry. After we slept together, I noticed that he seemed a little quieter than usual when it came to texting that week but I didn't know if he was embarrassed as he told me he loved me when he was very drunk and also the sex didn't last long at all. Anyway I carried on as normal and we arranged to meet again the following week. This time was different, we slept together quite a lot of times and it was more naughty and lasted a while. The following day I went home and he drove 2 hours back to his place and didn't text me to say he was home which he usually would. I lost control of my emotions and asked if he saw us going anywhere and he replied ''I would see us getting serious if we lived closer'' completely changing his attitude of ''moving to my city'' to ''we would be serious if we lived close'' I ended up saying take care I don't wanna be lead on. Anyway a week later I messaged him and he was double messaging me to get the chat back up and running. His effort still wasn't consistent as of before  and I am at an age where I don't wanna be messed about. I told him I still liked him and asked he if still liked me which he responded of course I do. We then didn't talk again for days and I was like for god sake and blocked him on everything. I feel he is wanting attention or playing games? or insecure ? like can someone explain how you can go from being a gentleman kind caring person to a freak who doesn't talk much anymore? I don't mean it in any vein matter, and I would never say or show this to him, but my friends and many people have said in terms of appearance I am so much better than him. I don't know if he is threatened by my looks or what but I am such a nice person and he told me I am one of the nicest people he's ever met? 

[BrinnM]

24 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

like can someone explain how you can go from being a gentleman kind caring person to a freak who doesn't talk much anymore?

It happens all the time. No need to call him a freak. He just changed his mind. People change their minds all the time and maybe the 2 hour drive was too time-consuming for him. It’s all exciting in the beginning but when you have met several times, and have had sex several times, all the initial excitement tends to wane, and you feel like you don’t want to put the extra effort in anymore. Not always of course. But he probably started to weigh the cons against the pros, and the cons won. If you lived around the corner, maybe he would be around more. Or if he were head over heels in love with you, he would also be around more. He clearly hasn’t reached that head over heels in love stage with you, and also doesn’t seem to want to put the extra effort in, in order to find out if something more could develop.
There could be many reasons why he isn’t convinced you’re the one, even if you think you’re a little bit out of his league looks-wise. Tastes are different, and who knows - maybe he thinks he’s out of your league himself. Maybe he didn’t like the sex. Maybe he didn’t like the drinking. We don’t know that. He just changed his mind.

Edited March 20, 2023 by BrinnM

[Ray_xx]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

It happens all the time. No need to call him a freak. He just changed his mind. People change their minds all the time and maybe the 2 hour drive was too time-consuming for him. It’s all exciting in the beginning but when you have met several times, and have had sex several times, all the initial excitement tends to wane, and you feel like you don’t want to put the extra effort in anymore. Not always of course. But he probably started to weigh the cons against the pros, and the cons won. If you lived around the corner, maybe he would be around more. Or if he were head over heels in love with you, he would also be around more. He clearly hasn’t reached that head over heels in love stage with you, and doesn’t want to put the extra effort in to find out if something more could develop, because of the distance. 
There could be many reasons why he isn’t convinced you’re the one, even if you think you’re a little bit out of his league look-wise. Tastes are different, and who knows - maybe he thinks he’s out of your league. Maybe he didn’t like the sex. Maybe he didn’t like the drinking. We don’t know that. 

The sex lasted less than 2 mins from his side so I am pretty sure it wasn't the sex but thanks for the feedback.

[Ray_xx]

4 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

It happens all the time. No need to call him a freak. He just changed his mind. People change their minds all the time and maybe the 2 hour drive was too time-consuming for him. It’s all exciting in the beginning but when you have met several times, and have had sex several times, all the initial excitement tends to wane, and you feel like you don’t want to put the extra effort in anymore. Not always of course. But he probably started to weigh the cons against the pros, and the cons won. If you lived around the corner, maybe he would be around more. Or if he were head over heels in love with you, he would also be around more. He clearly hasn’t reached that head over heels in love stage with you, and doesn’t want to put the extra effort in to find out if something more could develop, because of the distance. 
There could be many reasons why he isn’t convinced you’re the one, even if you think you’re a little bit out of his league look-wise. Tastes are different, and who knows - maybe he thinks he’s out of your league. Maybe he didn’t like the sex. Maybe he didn’t like the drinking. We don’t know that. 

On the other hand, he did say he isn't a big drinker so this could of been the reason HOWEVER I come from a family that loves a drink and we certainly had a laugh about his lack of a glass of wine sat in a hotel room for 7 hours and that's certainly not someone I am compatible with if that is the case.

[BrinnM]

5 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

On the other hand, he did say he isn't a big drinker so this could of been the reason HOWEVER I come from a family that loves a drink and we certainly had a laugh about his lack of a glass of wine sat in a hotel room for 7 hours and that's certainly not someone I am compatible with if that is the case.

Not sure what that means. You 2 were sitting in a hotel room for 7 hours? Did you not invite him to your place? 
2-minute-sex is certainly short, yes, but it doesn’t mean that he necessarily loved it. You also had follow-up sex later that was quite frequent and lasted longer, correct? Either way - I’m not saying he has lost interest necessarily, all I’m saying is that he apparently doesn’t think this relationship is worth any extra effort. It’s just too much work for him to get to know you better and to see you more often. Or, there’s really something else that turned him off, like the drinking. 

[Ray_xx]

3 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Not sure what that means. You 2 were sitting in a hotel room for 7 hours? Did you not invite him to your place? 
2-minute-sex is certainly short, yes, but it doesn’t mean that he necessarily loved it. You also had follow-up sex later that was quite frequent and lasted longer, correct? Either way - I’m not saying he has lost interest necessarily, all I’m saying is that he apparently doesn’t think this relationship is worth any extra effort. It’s just too much work for him to get to know you better and to see you more often. Or, there’s really something else that turned him off, like the drinking. 

Yes we were in a hotel room. I don't invite any man to my home unless I am certain about them. The first time was less than 2 mins and then the following times were longer and more exciting/diff positions and we both had a great time at the final point (lol) no more details there ha ha. Yes something has sent his head to distance since and I don't know what. I can put my years wage on though if I back off for at least 4 weeks he will come running back. I have seen it happen time and time again. In fact I left a post regarding a guy last October who seemed to act the same after sex with me and he's since contacted me this week saying he misses me and regrets his choice. I have seen it again and again with men. It's pathetic but the right guy will stick around ey? thanks 

[Ray_xx]

8 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Not sure what that means. You 2 were sitting in a hotel room for 7 hours? Did you not invite him to your place? 
2-minute-sex is certainly short, yes, but it doesn’t mean that he necessarily loved it. You also had follow-up sex later that was quite frequent and lasted longer, correct? Either way - I’m not saying he has lost interest necessarily, all I’m saying is that he apparently doesn’t think this relationship is worth any extra effort. It’s just too much work for him to get to know you better and to see you more often. Or, there’s really something else that turned him off, like the drinking. 

Also just to add, I was wearing shorts and he told me ''you won't be wearing them this summer'' and laughed meaning other men won't see me in them... My family said joking aside that's a red flag 😕 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ray_xx said:

The sex lasted less than 2 mins from his side so I am pretty sure it wasn't the sex but thanks for the feedback.

That just shows he wasn't even trying to please you.  Was there oral? Damn.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ray_xx said:

 I left a post regarding a guy last October who seemed to act the same after sex with me and he's since contacted me this week saying he misses me and regrets his choice. I have seen it again and again with men. It's pathetic but the right guy will stick around ey? thanks 

Good for you.  Are you going to go back with him?  

[Ray_xx]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Good for you.  Are you going to go back with him?  

ABSOLUTLEY NOT! that's the thing with me, once I am done I am out

[Ray_xx]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That just shows he wasn't even trying to please you.  Was there oral? Damn.

Yes and it was s****  think he knew this!

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

After we slept together, I noticed that he seemed a little quieter than usual when it came to texting that week but I didn't know if he was embarrassed as he told me he loved me when he was very drunk

Don't you think it's a bit too soon to be professing love after just one date that included nookie? 

Just imagine at the end of the first date a guy blurts out that he loves you and proposes marriage. Wouldn’t that make you feel less interested in the guy?

Keep your head up and don't beat yourself up.

Sometimes people just lose interest. Or maybe the sex was awkward (I saw you comment elsewhere that you two had a bit of trouble with it) and he wasn't sure if he wanted to do it again.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

 he replied ''I would see us getting serious if we lived closer'' . We then didn't talk again for days and I was like for god sake and blocked him on everything

Sorry this happened. It seems he's looking for casual. Between the "if" remark, the bad sexual episode and him fading, you made the right call ending it. In fact you probably dodged a bullet.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

like can someone explain how you can go from being a gentleman kind caring person to a freak who doesn't talk much anymore?

He's a freak because he's not interested anymore?

Wow. Me thinks your ego is pretty bruised here. Look, it's obvious something changed for him. He likely met someone closer to him who's taking up his time now. It doesn't make him a freak. It just means that, for whatever reason, he's changed his mind about seeing you again. 

3 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

my friends and many people have said in terms of appearance I am so much better than him. I don't know if he is threatened by my looks

Maybe he sensed that you're rather superficial and think you're better than him. That's a turn-off for men, no matter what you look like. 

[Ray_xx]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He's a freak because he's not interested anymore?

Wow. Me thinks your ego is pretty bruised here. Look, it's obvious something changed for him. He likely met someone closer to him who's taking up his time now. It doesn't make him a freak. It just means that, for whatever reason, he's changed his mind about seeing you again. 

Maybe he sensed that you're rather superficial and think you're better than him. That's a turn-off for men, no matter what you look like. 

Nope I am a clever sweet girl in front of someone I like, no matter what I know and others know, I never let ego show, I never got nasty and played it sweet right up until now. Maybe my ego is bruised, but I know he will be back. They always do and it's always me that has checked out.  thanks for your feedback

[Ray_xx]

Just now, Ray_xx said:

Nope I am a clever sweet girl in front of someone I like, no matter what I know and others know, I never let ego show, I never got nasty and played it sweet right up until now. Maybe my ego is bruised, but I know he will be back. They always do and it's always me that has checked out.  thanks for your feedback

and if you read my question correctly, you'll also notice that he told me he still liked me 2 days ago and left me alone on the basis that I ended it. He never did but his efforts changed and that's why I ended it.

[stillafool]

Well if you were the one who ended it why is your ego bruised.

[Ray_xx]

Just now, stillafool said:

Well if you were the one who ended it why is your ego bruised.

Because as women when we give our body's to men who we trust and see lack of effort and affection, it hurts us as women feel more emotion after intimacy whilst men do not. Although saying that the guy who I met in October still thinks about me and that was even more physical than this guy and he's come back. Maybe men just take longer to register their feelings than women. 

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

Because as women when we give our body's to men who we trust and see lack of effort and affection, it hurts us as women feel more emotion after intimacy whilst men do not. Although saying that the guy who I met in October still thinks about me and that was even more physical than this guy and he's come back. Maybe men just take longer to register their feelings than women. 

How much trust and faith can be placed in a single encounter?

Just continue to date, develop your standards around sex and relationships. This is not about engaging in senseless romantic encounters. It’s about loving and respecting yourself enough to not accept the “wham bam thank you Ma’am” guys.

Edited March 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Ray_xx]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

How much trust could there be after one date?

Just continue to date, develop your standards around sex and relationships. This is not about engaging in senseless romantic encounters. It’s about loving and respecting yourself enough to not accept the “wham bam thank you Ma’am” guys.

we dated 6 times for 8 weeks and I stayed at his over a full weekend? sorry if I didn't break that down clear in the above

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

we dated 6 times for 8 weeks and I stayed at his over a full weekend? sorry if I didn't break that down clear in the above

Okay. My bad. How much credence or assurance can be placed in an attraction or infatuation? None.

[Ray_xx]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay. My bad. How much credence or assurance can be placed in an attraction or infatuation? None.

Can I just say though, I met a guy in October last year and that was ALL attraction and nothing more and like he's come back on the scene 5 months later just to talk as he likes me as a person. Why does it take guys so long to register 'oh I miss her and like her. I do not get it? the same happened with a lad last year and he messaged me a year later saying ''I regret not going further with you'' 12 months later? please explain

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

Can I just say though, I met a guy in October last year and that was ALL attraction and nothing more and like he's come back on the scene 5 months later just to talk as he likes me as a person. Why does it take guys so long to register 'oh I miss her and like her. I do not get it? the same happened with a lad last year and he messaged me a year later saying ''I regret not going further with you'' 12 months later? please explain

It's a tough question to answer.

Online dating or people that you've met in person?

Some people take time to figure out how they feel about someone, others act more quickly.

Yes, guys do pull back from a relationship or from an interaction if they feel uncomfortable or if they have doubts about it. It could also be something completely different. 

Nobody moves at the same pace as you, and it isn't always a reflection on you.

Didn't him (the man this thread is about) saying he loved you on the first date raise concern for you? I would be very cautious about his intentions. I would want to take things slow and get to know him better before expressing any feelings back. Also, bear in mind that he said he was open to exploring a serious relationship with you without properly dating you first?

[Ray_xx]

47 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's a tough question to answer.

Online dating or people that you've met in person?

Some people take time to figure out how they feel about someone, others act more quickly.

Yes, guys do pull back from a relationship or from an interaction if they feel uncomfortable or if they have doubts about it. It could also be something completely different. 

Nobody moves at the same pace as you, and it isn't always a reflection on you.

Didn't him (the man this thread is about) saying he loved you on the first date raise concern for you? I would be very cautious about his intentions. I would want to take things slow and get to know him better before expressing any feelings back. Also, bear in mind that he said he was open to exploring a serious relationship with you without properly dating you first?

I laughed it off as he was drunk and he just said he was sorry for saying it and that he cared for me and liked me a lot but shouldn't have used the word love..... After this I started to lose the guy I liked OR is it just I felt he was different when in actual fact it was me that became distance because of what he said.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

I laughed it off as he was drunk and he just said he was sorry for saying it and that he cared for me and liked me a lot but shouldn't have used the word love..... After this I started to lose the guy I liked OR is it just I felt he was different when in actual fact it was me that became distance because of what he said.

Ah well, it's over now.

He's blocked.