do men feel anxiety in their committed relationship?

[TheblueMoon]

I overthink a lot of things in my relationship. Does he really love me, as he says he does? If he finds someone more interesting, is he going to leave me? Why doesn't he surprise me more or do more? Is it because of me and he's going to do that for the RIGHT woman? Etc. So yeah, a lot and a lot of questions. In the past I'd let this brain of mine get the best out of me, and I would get into really emotional states imagining things that are not even existent.

Now I've evolved a lot in that regard, and when those thoughts come up, I live with them, but I don't let myself express them them out loud. After a little while, I just forget about them. They do come back, but I repeat the same trick. I keep learning through books, and activities and therapy how to handle them and I don't let this influence my relationship anymore. 

Now my therapist has told me, that it is quit common in a lot of women to overthink things. Now I wonder, how is that for MEN? Do you guys deal with this kind of thoughts? 

[NuevoYorko]

When I was young and in my first serious relationship, I had insecurities and jealousy issues.   Lots of men do.  In my case, I would get wound up if I thought she was dressing too provocatively.   I had issues with the way she interacted with men (she was a generally vivacious and sort of flirty young woman - she had no intentions of anything with other guys).   Fortunately for her, she had high enough self esteem of her own to kick me to the curb.  I was not in any place to be a serious boyfriend.

 I'm sure you've heard many many stories from friends or acquaintances about their jealous bf and crap that they pull.  

It may not be so much a case of "overthinking" things.  Just insecurity playing out in ways that ultimately destroy relationships.  No healthy relationship can thrive without trust and with one partner constantly second guessing and looking for trouble. 

Edited March 6, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[mark clemson]

I think it will depend a lot on the guy and their specific psychology/traits and perhaps where they are in life as well e.g. in terms of emotional maturity.

I don't think you can reasonably generalize to all men. Anecdotally, it seems this sort of thing is more common among women as a tendency. Women have a tendency to "analyze" things a bit more (this is mentioned e.g. in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts). But again any specific man/woman is going to be however they are.

I think some men strongly desire relationships but are also absolutely terrified of them at some level or have other weird issues, so you see e.g. incels, self-sabotaging types, and the like. So certainly you can also find men who are capable of maintaining a relationship but tend to feel insecure about it.

[Weezy1973]

When I was young I definitely had insecurities that led to overthinking and jealousy. But I outgrew it. Once you realize you can’t control the other person and you’ll be fine regardless of what happens those things go away.

[Els]

Everyone has insecurities, especially when you are young and less experienced in dealing with them. These insecurities vary from person to person, and the method of dealing with them varies as well. Are there specific insecurities that are more common among men, and vice versa for women? I'm sure there are. But again it's such an individual thing. I tend to overthink things a fair bit and have my own issues, but despite being a woman, I can't say I've ever thought much about the specific things that you are describing.

[glows]

Maybe you’re just thinking, not necessarily overthinking. I don’t see why you have to undermine yourself like that and keep going in a loop. You put yourself down or undermine your own thoughts saying you are “overthinking” and then go on and have the thoughts anyway because you’re never really normalizing or feeling okay with who you are. 

I’d nip that in the bud right away - forget the negative self talk and undermining and judging your own self “overthinking”. It’s disrespectful to yourself. Just be. Something crosses your mind or bothers you? Fine, think it through. Next. 

And if your relationship is truly unfulfilling and unhappy I hope you’re not considering on staying.

[Mrin]

Dude here. 99% of the time - no. No I don't. Not one bit.

[Alpacalia]

You're putting too much pressure on yourself to come up with a perfect outcome. Look at it as a sign that you are feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. It's okay to take a step back and give yourself some time and space to think things through.