Toot your own horn

[SoulOfOne]

Co worker and friend of mine has the same basic title as me but routinely takes on other tasks and assumes titles they are NOT PAID to do.  Their choice. They are good at it all but never ask for more money and of course company is all "sure! You can do that!"

They then routinely feel badly for doing so much with no reward or recognition. I've had this conversation with them before. They don't pay you to do that and they don't thank you, so why kill yourself to do things for free and no recognition that end up making you feel bad? Just DO YOUR JOB as in its description.

BUT they don't listen. Not my problem.

But I'm also irritated that they say things like "Everyone else does the bare minimum. I do ALL THIS" kind of things (not those words, but those themes). Like the rest of us are lazy. They do it in person once in a while, but JUST put something on social media like that.

I so want to reply to their post, "you are also not being compensated for doing any of that extra stuff so why boast about it when next week you will feel bad about it!?" But I won't.

Ugh, but I want to. 🙄 but I won't.

Annoyed.

WHAT ARE THEY SEARCHING FOR?? Validation? Why?

[glows]

No, definitely don’t reply to that. Disconnect or undo her feed, delete it. You still have her as a contact but you won’t have to see any of those updates. Stay professional at work and keep the peace on social media since you already added her. 

To be blunt, she’s living in her own self-made hell. She may leave the company or move on considering her frustration. If you think her behaviour is affecting the morale of the group and she’s affecting everyone else with misinformation or her attitude then speak to your manager or one up. I have a feeling they won’t care if they don’t care to compensate or recognize their employees efforts for extra tasks.

Do you feel happy or secure with your job? All that matters is how you see yourself and how your supervisors or bosses treat you or what their feedback is. Keep asking yourself what you’re there for. Have you outgrown this role and company?

[justwhoiam]

She might be just a bit naive at heart. I'm all for passion, drive and the fire that moves people being happy about what they do. She's probably happy helping out, giving an extra hand, but then all the effort not being recognized in any way. Being around enough will teach her it's often not worth it. She might be a generous type of person. But right because of that, she can be more prone to burnout. If she's a friend, have a talk about that, telling her you care about her health.

Edited March 5, 2023 by justwhoiam

[basil67]

For what it's worth, I unfollow people who do post these kind of updates because they annoy me.  If they also annoy you, I suggest you do the same.

But as for why they do it, it sounds like they are frustrated and wanting to vent.  Next time they complain to you, make your response a conversation stopper. Something like "we've talked about this before and you already know my opinion"

 

[Lotsgoingon]

They are in a self-destructive pattern. They want recognition but refuse to ask for recognition and refuse to take on tasks that will bring them recognition. And worse, they blow off recognition when others point out how much they did.

Listening to this would get old really quickly. This person unfortunately learned to pathologically modest, modest to a self-destructive extreme. You have to tell people about the good stuff you're doing and you want to expect some recognition at some point. 

This extra work the person does should come up in annual reviews or any kind of job reviews. The person should bring this up with the reviewing supervisor and get feedback on it. The supervisor might say, look we don't promote based on you doing extra X, you need to do Y if you want a promotion. The supervisor might also just have a blind spot. 

Basically your friend is locked into a martyr complex. And they're dumping all their emotional tash onto you. Yep, gets old really fast.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

. They do it in person once in a while, but JUST put something on social media like that.

It may be best to delete, block or mute this co-worker. If their complaining at work, don't allow it in your private life.

[ShyViolet]

Learn to tune out and ignore people who aggravate you.  Mute or unfriend this person on social media if their posts annoy you.  Just do your thing and don't waste your energy on this.  You can't change other people.

[SoulOfOne]

Good call.  So, I just went to "hide" said person. And saw their latest "I haven't had a day off since____ and I didn't use x# vacation days last year. I just let em go!"

Ugh.  And you still make less than me doing the same job (I've been here longer and negotiated a higher salary)-they don't know that, but I do. I feel a spiral coming on.

🙄🙄🙄 HIDE. AND HIDDEN.

I'm kinda looking fwd to the next time they come up to me and say something so I can use basil77's suggested "You already know my opinion on this" line and walk away. 

Ps-yes, I'm secure in my job. I do a good job, am well liked and bosses leave me alone to work.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

Ugh.  And you still make less than me doing the same job (I've been here longer and negotiated a higher salary)-they don't know that, but I do. I feel a spiral coming on.

Taking that into consideration, maybe it's just you that wanted to toot your horn?

Edited March 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[SoulOfOne]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Taking that into consideration, maybe it's just you that wanted to toot your horn?

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have written my inner thought down. I apologize if that sounded like I wanted to brag. It wasn't my intention. Only that if she would ASK for her worth, there is a good chance she would have gotten SOMETHING to show for it.  She doesn't ask. She has had reviews and come out with "cost of living" raises. Instead (and she does good work-but it's not hers to do), she complains about how hard she works.  

I've suggested she advocate for herself. She doesn't. But is first to complain about working the extras for free. Yes, I've been here longer and make more, but because I've advocated for myself. Should they see her? Yes. But they dont.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to seem boastful.

[basil67]

I really understand your frustration with her behaviour.   However, telling her to advocate for herself is all well and good, but if she doesn't have the confidence or the skills, then it's not going to happen.  

Could you assist her with how to go about approaching her boss and what to say?  Practice with her.  Give her a little bit of mentoring.  

Edited March 6, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

I’m assuming that’s the last of the aggravation in terms of reading updates on social media from her since you’ve hidden her feed. 

Cool off and take breather. I think mentoring is a generous way to approach this. If that isn’t for you then stay focused on your work. I asked as well if you’ve outgrown your role. You’re paying too much attention to what others are doing giving me the impression you know the job so well that you’re quite bored or not challenged enough. 

Some people are not open to help or it may not be that she hasn’t asked. She may have asked and been turned down for a raise and is too embarrassed to tell you that. I wouldn’t believe everything she or anyone at work says. Keep in mind there are individuals who do like to be the victim or prefer that people are always sympathetic to them. This is clearly irritating you so start distancing yourself if you can’t get a good read on the situation or don’t want to get involved. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have written my inner thought down. I apologize if that sounded like I wanted to brag. It wasn't my intention. Only that if she would ASK for her worth, there is a good chance she would have gotten SOMETHING to show for it.  She doesn't ask. She has had reviews and come out with "cost of living" raises. Instead (and she does good work-but it's not hers to do), she complains about how hard she works.  

I've suggested she advocate for herself. She doesn't. But is first to complain about working the extras for free. Yes, I've been here longer and make more, but because I've advocated for myself. Should they see her? Yes. But they dont.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to seem boastful.

No need to apologize, I understand.

Being an advocate for oneself is a challenging task that not everyone is comfortable with. Your concern for your colleague is positive, and it's encouraging to hear that you want her to succeed.

I often find that when we complain about others in these kinds of settings or situations, it comes from dissatisfaction and the way we position ourselves in relationships.

Whether that stems from insecurity or feeling threatened, or it's some sort of comparison. Only you know. Similar to say if a friend posts pictures of their exotic vacation on social media, you might complain about how much money they spent, even if though you secretly wished you had gone too.

Rather than judging or criticizing the situation, you could share your experiences advocating for yourself. The thing is, unless she uses you as a sounding board, which isn't fine, but if her posts annoy you, you can disengage, no matter how difficult it might seem.

Whether you're complaining or nodding, it doesn't matter. The energy dynamics between you two is poisonous and contagious. Listening to her has similar effects on your life as being the source of it. If she complains, it's better to leave or firmly state that you do not want this type of behavior to occur in your presence.

[JTSW]

Let her complain all she wants.

She chooses to do it for free so it's her problem, no one else's.

She is 100% looking for attention and validation.

She wants sympathy and acknowledgement, but everyone knows its all her choice.

Don't give her what she is looking.

If she complains in the office just remind her that she doesn't HAVE to do it and walk away.