Am I his second choice, and he loves his best friend?

[TheblueMoon]

Hello guys,

My husband has a female best friend, whom he's been attracted to since they met 12 years ago . We started dating long distance end 2018. When I visited him half a year later in his country, he introduced her to me shortly as his best friend.

At the end of 2019 we got married in my country and stayed there. He kept in regular touch with his best friend. A year later we moved back to his country. I always felt uncomfortable with that relationship. We had many fights about it, bc I felt insecure about it (I know sounds bad, and I'm definitely working on jealousy and insecurities). I asked him several times if he had feelings for her in the past, to which he always answered no, that she's always been like one of her guy friends, like a bro. But I've always felt like there was something more.

I know this is wrong, but I looked through his conversations and found out that a year before we started dating he had feelings for her and had always been attracted to her. It seems like he never told her about his feelings, scared that he would loose their friendship. It has made me really sad, to find out that I had been lied to for so long, mostly because I felt like I was making myself crazy with dumb inventions. We kept having a lot of fights bc of that situation. He felt accused when I brought up that topic. Now after many discussions he decided to stop the contact with her. 

Through this situation, I felt like I was/am the second choice. Like the feelings for that friend have never left and I'm just the band aid. And it's scary for me, to look into the future, and building a life with a person that was maybe not meant for me, but for someone else. I feel honestly very lost and confused and I feel like I honestly gave it so much more importance than I should have given it. I truly want to know what your guy's opinion is. I have to admit, my self esteem has never been the highest one, but I did learn a lot through therapy, self reflection, reading, meditating. And even though it's a personal matter, I want to see this situation objectively and understand the why of things.
 

[NuevoYorko]

What is the state of your marriage now?

Unlike many people around here, I am a supporter of opposite sex friendships.    You apparently were okay with this one yourself, since you chose to marry your husband, who had a close female friend at the time.

Unfortunately,  you've passed the point of no return.  Neither I nor anyone else here - you included - can know what he actually feels for the friend. You married him knowing about this  relationship.   Your choice.  If you wanted to make some boundaries that he was required to observe where she's concerned, the time to do it would have been before marriage.  

I don't think he needs to be accountable to you for feelings he may have had for someone before he met you.   

By this point, your issues are not about how he's really feeling at all.  The issue now is your insecurity, snooping,  and fighting about the friend. No relationship can withstand the pressures of jealousy and absence of trust.  That will drive him away, girl bff or no.  

You're either going to have to learn how to accept the friendship and trust your husband, or move on.  Maybe you can get couples counseling.  

[glows]

Well, he lied to you and now you feel the marriage is based on a lie. I can see why you’re upset and questioning the marriage. 

The friendship in my mind is besides the point. He lied and continued something like this giving you the false impression she was just a “bro”. She wasn’t. This was just one year before you both started dating - sorry, that’s just too short and baloney to turn from having the hots to bruhhhh.

Given that you both continued to have heated arguments and this caused issues in the marriage it’s surprising to me that he continued to keep in touch with her despite what you, his wife, felt or thought. One would say you weren’t compatible at all to start but went along with the marriage anyway. 

I’d take a step back and ask yourself if you’re getting what you need in the marriage and make up your mind about whether he’s the one you see spending your life with. It doesn’t make sense drawing this out already for longer than it has. I would not be surprised if you’re not compatible as people overall especially considering the ongoing issues up to this point and disagreements.

 

Edited March 5, 2023 by glows

[TheblueMoon]

For a few months now I haven't mentioned that topic to him, but I've also grown more distant. Mostly, I guess because I've become fed up with how this topic has impacted me mentally.

Some things that you've said are completely right.

Now as a curiosity, but also bc I would like to understand how my husband kind of things. I'm not against opposite sex friendships. But in the case of you starting a serious relationship, why would you keep a female bf, you had feelings for in the past, as your bff? I don't mean eliminating that person from your life,  rather giving it another position in your life. Not as best friend anymore, but as friend?

 

 

 

[TheblueMoon]

@glows

As you say, the fact that he kept the contact with this friend, despite knowing how all this was making me feel and impact our marriage, made me question myself who was more important to him. 

Yeah, sadly compatibility has been a big point in our marriage, but honestly I stopped focusing on that. I believe that compatibility is not that important, when 2 people are ready to do the work to understand & respect each other and improve things that might affect the relationship. 

[TheblueMoon]

@NuevoYorko

Reply is up ubove

[NuevoYorko]

43 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

 

Now as a curiosity, but also bc I would like to understand how my husband kind of things. I'm not against opposite sex friendships. But in the case of you starting a serious relationship, why would you keep a female bf, you had feelings for in the past, as your bff? I don't mean eliminating that person from your life,  rather giving it another position in your life. Not as best friend anymore, but as friend?

I don't know.  When I reached a certain point in my life I stopped "quantifying" friendships.  I can't tell you who's my "best friend."  I tend to think that other people are the same though of course that's projecting.

How is your husband practicing his friendship with this person?  Does he spend a lot of time with her one on one? Are you missing out on time with him because he's spending it with her rather than you?    Do you have reasons to believe something is going on beyond friendship?  Those things probably would be problems.  Just the existence of this friendship and the label it has, though, IMO don't need to be.

As far as him lying about how he didn't ever have "that kind" of feelings for her ... I know lying is bad, but I also know that being cornered about ones feelings that they had in the distant past can make it very hard to be honest.  Obviously it would not have been "safe" for your husband to tell you the truth.  You have been coming from a place of jealousy, insecurity, and fighting.   A person needs to feel like it will be OK to tell the truth about sensitive subjects or else many will not do it.  Again, not giving him a "pass."  But I think I get why he wouldn't tell you.

[Will am I]

Here’s an angle: they have known eachother for 12 years and didn’t start a romantic relationship in all those years between 2011 and the moment he met you in 2018. Probably nothing is ever going to happpen between them.

If she had liked him romantically (as he liked her), it wouldn’t have taken them 7 years to get it on. 

Also the moment that he was starting a relationship with you would have been a catalyst if she did have those feelings.

 

 

 

[TheblueMoon]

@Will am I

Of course, that totally makes sense. I must say, I don't really focus on her feelings here, bc if she had feelings for him and she's able to make him choose her, than I'd gladly hand him over flowers and chocolate and wish him his best life with her.

What is scary, is thinking that he's with me, bc she didn't have the same feelings for him. And keeping her as a bf is keeping is the next best thing that he could have done to not completely loose her. 

Now, I want to point out, as I wrote on the first text, that he has stopped contact with her, after our couple's counseler told him that it might be one of the options, but it's still his choice. He didn't tell her anything, but just stopped initiating conversation. 

 

[TheblueMoon]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't know.  When I reached a certain point in my life I stopped "quantifying" friendships.  I can't tell you who's my "best friend."  I tend to think that other people are the same though of course that's projecting.

How is your husband practicing his friendship with this person?  Does he spend a lot of time with her one on one? Are you missing out on time with him because he's spending it with her rather than you?    Do you have reasons to believe something is going on beyond friendship?  Those things probably would be problems.  Just the existence of this friendship and the label it has, though, IMO don't need to be.

As far as him lying about how he didn't ever have "that kind" of feelings for her ... I know lying is bad, but I also know that being cornered about ones feelings that they had in the distant past can make it very hard to be honest.  Obviously it would not have been "safe" for your husband to tell you the truth.  You have been coming from a place of jealousy, insecurity, and fighting.   A person needs to feel like it will be OK to tell the truth about sensitive subjects or else many will not do it.  Again, not giving him a "pass."  But I think I get why he wouldn't tell you.

He told me the same thing. Well that he was scared to loose me if he had told me. And I completely understand why he was scared to tell me.

I would honestly not even have wanted to know or even cared, if I would not have felt an odd gut feeling. He has other good female friends, which I never had a problem with. 

Thanks so much for your insight.

 

[NuevoYorko]

17 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

 

What is scary, is thinking that he's with me, bc she didn't have the same feelings for him. And keeping her as a bf is keeping is the next best thing that he could have done to not completely loose her. 

That's YOUR problem.   

I don't believe that relationships work that way.   He really liked her - they had a bond.  Just because they were not going to ever be a romantic couple doesn't mean that there was no other path for such a bond.  It doesn't mean it's "the next best thing"  or that he was facing "completely losing her."  Simply that they shared a good bond that deserved to have a place in their lives.

17 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

Now, I want to point out, as I wrote on the first text, that he has stopped contact with her, after our couple's counseler told him that it might be one of the options, but it's still his choice. He didn't tell her anything, but just stopped initiating conversation. 

 

I guess I missed that.  So this puts the whole thing even more onto your own shoulders.

If you want to have a decent marriage you will have to let go of this, and maybe you'll need individual counseling to do it.   He's already cut off his "best friend" for you.   If you continue to punish him with requiring a lot of reassurance and even fighting, he will start to get resentful sooner or later.  

The girl friend will not be the one who got in the way of your marriage - you will have.

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

@Will am IfI he has stopped contact with her, after our couple's counseler told him that it might be one of the options, but it's still his choice. 

It's great that you're going to couples counseling. The fixation with the friend seems more like a symptom of other problems he has.

[Will am I]

9 hours ago, TheblueMoon said:

What is scary, is thinking that he's with me, bc she didn't have the same feelings for him. And keeping her as a bf is keeping is the next best thing that he could have done to not completely loose her. 

I partially recognize this from the other side.

I have a friend that somehow makes my wife very uncomfortable. She went through a divorce, we have had wonderful conversations about reinventing yourself and setting new life goals.

Because my own marriage was in a rocky place last year, I really wanted this friend close, as I feel this is a person I’d need around me when I would go through a divorce myself. I don’t have any romantic aspirations with her.

But she makes my wife uncomfortable so I limit contact to the contact is limited to what is functionally needed (we’re involved in volunteering work together, not in the same team but she plans the team that I am on).

I do wonder about the reasons behind my wife’s insecurity sometimes. If it’s a case of “I don’t want any women around my man” (I doubt it as she is comfortable with some other women that I spend more time with), or more specifically “I don’t want divorced women around my man” (I kind of suspect that) or if it’s a sense that this particular woman is part of any post-divorce planning. She hasn’t been able to explain, conversations tend to get emotional so I don’t bother.

I think the best way forward is that you try to explain as well as you can why this other woman is hurting you. And then the response is for him to decide. Being right may be a consideration, guarding your feelings may be a consideration too.

[justwhoiam]

This is a tough one, I can understand how in pain you are.

At times, a second choice proves itself to be the best choice. So you have the upper hand here. You can end up being the best choice for him or a bad choice gone wrong.

[TheblueMoon]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great that you're going to couples counseling. The fixation with the friend seems more like a symptom of other problems he has.

When you talk about symptoms, what do you refer to?

[TheblueMoon]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

I partially recognize this from the other side.

I have a friend that somehow makes my wife very uncomfortable. She went through a divorce, we have had wonderful conversations about reinventing yourself and setting new life goals.

Because my own marriage was in a rocky place last year, I really wanted this friend close, as I feel this is a person I’d need around me when I would go through a divorce myself. I don’t have any romantic aspirations with her.

But she makes my wife uncomfortable so I limit contact to the contact is limited to what is functionally needed (we’re involved in volunteering work together, not in the same team but she plans the team that I am on).

I do wonder about the reasons behind my wife’s insecurity sometimes. If it’s a case of “I don’t want any women around my man” (I doubt it as she is comfortable with some other women that I spend more time with), or more specifically “I don’t want divorced women around my man” (I kind of suspect that) or if it’s a sense that this particular woman is part of any post-divorce planning. She hasn’t been able to explain, conversations tend to get emotional so I don’t bother.

I think the best way forward is that you try to explain as well as you can why this other woman is hurting you. And then the response is for him to decide. Being right may be a consideration, guarding your feelings may be a consideration too.

Obviously, as a person we can't be everything in one for our partner. We can't be their counselor, bestfriend, lover, teacher etc. But we do want to have THAT special position in our partners life ( the one you share your dreams and hopes with and the one who makes you a better person) and if it feels to your wife like you're giving another person this position, she might feel like it's just a matter of time before you run of with that other woman, mostly if your marriage were to crumble. But this is also me projecting.

Another option, is that she might have seen how this woman acts around you and notices things that you might not have noticed. And maybe those little acts towards you make her feel uncomfortable. 

I could understand why your partner would feel emotional in this particular situation. I'll explain from my side. Whenever I talked to my husband about this situation, I had to push myself to do it, bc I did feel shame towards those feelings that I was having. Sometimes, we experience feelings that we don't want to make part of our personality. 

 

[JTSW]

If you were his second choice he wouldn't have married you.

If he wanted his friend that bad then he would've done so a long time ago.

Ergo, he doesn't want her like you thought and he wants you more.

I think you are letting your insecurities get the better of you.

[TheblueMoon]

11 minutes ago, JTSW said:

If you were his second choice he wouldn't have married you.

If he wanted his friend that bad then he would've done so a long time ago.

Ergo, he doesn't want her like you thought and he wants you more.

I think you are letting your insecurities get the better of you.

So, I've definitely told myself that, a lot of times. But...

What if she has clearly shown him that she is not interested. Then obviously he can't force her, can he?

 

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

What if she has clearly shown him that she is not interested. Then obviously he can't force her, can he?

If that's the case then you have nothing to worry about.

Nothing will ever happen between them.

He has also stopped contact with her to prove you mean more to him.

[Stret]

OP, I completely understand you. You say he has other female friends that have never bothered you, but this one does. Do not look for the guilty party in yourself. I wouldn't if I were you. You are just lowering your own needs and feelings to the point of being of the last importance among all parties involved. Take care of your needs. Trust your gut and even if it is wrong, it is your effing gut telling you something and you cannot ignore it - if it bothers you, it bothers you. Ignoring your feelings will make you sick. And now that you know he lied, you are wondering if he is lying about his feelings for her today. It doesn't matter, as someone said, that they didn't get together by now and will not get together in the future most likely. That is irrelevant to the fact that he put his relationship with that other woman friend ahead of you, lied about it and might still have feelings. It is bound to destroy the trust and the soul of the relationship. It will definitely make you feel as second in his life and everything he does now to distance himself from her will only be temporary and not coming out of genuine understanding of the situation but out of "ok, let's get over with this... for now". He is just stopping the problems. If he saw your pain and anxiety about that relationship, why didn't he react before? He didn't take care of your needs and feelings - that were justified as it turned out. If you're uncomfortable with it, you're uncomfortable, and can't do much about it. All the therapies, meditations, etc cannot help. He didn't care to help you, but cared more about relationship with her. This is something that will permeate every aspect of your lives until the resentment builds up and the relationship breaks. Normally, there will also be other things that fall into the pattern of him not caring about something you communicate to him, while you search for the guilty party in yourself and agonise over why you feel what you feel.  

 

 

[TheblueMoon]

15 minutes ago, Stret said:

It doesn't matter, as someone said, that they didn't get together by now and will not get together in the future most likely. That is irrelevant to the fact that he put his relationship with that other woman friend ahead of you, lied about it and might still have feelings."

"...everything he does now to distance himself from her will only be temporary and not coming out of genuine understanding of the situation but out of "ok, let's get over with this... for now". He is just stopping the problems."

 

 

Honestly, you could not have put it better. That's exactly the way I feel. It doesn't matter that she did or didn't want him, or that they never got together, for X reasons. What mattered before and today is who his heart really belongs to. If the feelings are still there for him, he has to put them aside, bc she's in a committed relationship herself. So what is left for him, well me, the person he married. 

He has told me that all this was a mistake and that he should have handled it better. He tells me he loves me, often, and I love this man to death, too. But those fights because of that friendship went on for so long, that I'm having such a hard time putting all this behind and believing the things he says today... And God knows I'm trying.

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, TheblueMoon said:

But we do want to have THAT special position in our partners life ( the one you share your dreams and hopes with and the one who makes you a better person) and if it feels to your wife like you're giving another person this position, she might feel like it's just a matter of time before you run of with that other woman

That was definitely not going to happen in this case. There were never any signals of romantic interest, not from me and not from her. But I can be a listener and I did make time to listen to this friend when she was in a rough patch, maybe 2 or 3 times over the course of a year or so.

Now I did fall for another woman at one point so I understand my wife's senstivity on the matter. That's why I'm not pushing on this subject and chose to minimize the contact to what is needed for the volunteer work.

 

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think most people are not married to the one they want the most.There is a certain level of pragmatism when choosing your marriage partner, beyond getting married very early in life. I find it a bit silly when others say he married you so that automatically means he wanted you more. No , it likely just means that the friend wasn’t interested and he decided (smartly) to focus on what’s available to him. There is nothing wrong with that.

Many people that are married have an ex that they consider the love of their life.

Yes, very likely this woman is it to your husband, but that’s OK, that’s the way of the world. If he truly sticks to no contact (and I wouldn’t 100% trust him on that either), memories will fade.

You are with him every day, you are real and ultimately that’s what matters. She is a fantasy.

It sounds to me that you need to lower your expectations on what life and marriage is.

Edited March 10, 2023 by Eternal Sunshine

[NuevoYorko]

"The One That Got Away" is a timeless trope ... it's not common for anybody to marry their first love. I bet a huge percentage of great marriages are not between "first loves."   Not to even say that this person was your h's first love.  

[princessaurora]

My husband had a girl he had been friends with since childhood. Their parents were in the same ballroom dancing club and the two of them were basically forced friends. This went on into their teens and right about mid year their freshmen year of college, things went from platonic to romantic. She lived and attended college out of state, so he decided to switch over to her school  for sophomore year and they stayed together the whole time .She decided to move back to her hometown about 2 hours from there at the end of the school year and broke up with him because she didn't trust he would remain faithful. He accepted that and they broke up but were stlll close friends since they had been for so much of their life.

They talked on the phone alot. She knew every detail of our relationship including when we started having sex. That's when she decided she wanted him back. I could go on for 6 pages about what happened over those next few years but in a nutshell, he basically could never be faithful to her again once he met me. He would promise her we were just friends and nothing was happening but believe me, it was happening all the time with me and occasionally with her. I was his girlfriend, albeit a secret he kept from her. She figured it out eventually  and talked him into moving up there to see if they could save what they had. I feared that would be the end for us, but a few weeks after he settled into his new apt, he was inviting me up and even though I knew I deserved a better healthier relationship, I couldn't resist because i was in love with him. They eventually broke up for good and he went a little nuts after that. We took a break and during that time he basically had a harem of women he was sleeping with, 7 to be exact. I tolerated it at first because he was still sleeping with me, but when he left me at his place one night to go see one of them, that's when the lightbulb went off and I walked away from him. He fought for nearly a year to get me back. I even had him thrown out my workplace, but after dating others and trying to force myself to feel something with no success, I finally gave in to his request to see him over Thanksgiving break. This is when he poured his heart out and  told me he loved me and he wanted to marry me as soon as I graduated college. After that there were no more issues with other women. But, I ended up pregnant with my daughter shortly after and we married that following July. 

We've now been married for almost 24 years. and have 3 children.  Those first few years I struggled wondering if i was his second choice, if he had preferred her and only chose me when she removed herself as an option. I obsessed over If the wedding would have even happened had I not had an oops.  But over time, I have come to realize he brought losing her on himself by continuing to have a relationship with me, when he promised her he wouldn't.  If he truly loved her he would have remained faithful. If he truly loved her when she broke up with him in fear he would cheat, he would have fought for her and assured her he wouldn't. But instead, he attends her party and basically secures himself a new girlfriend before he even moves back home. (We were both from the same city and both moving back home,) 

She even told him during their final breakup she was done because she knew he would never give me up. He told me years later he could never give me up  because he loved me and a big part of being with her was to please his parents who always wanted them together, especially his mother. His mother always made him feel like a disappointment and the one thing he did to make her happy was be with that girl. His mother despised me btw, because I destroyed her fantasy of him being married to her friend's daughter. He didn't even tell her they had broken up that first time,  so when we met me she assumed I was the pretty floozy who stole him away. His father adored me and wanted his son to be with who he really loved, but his mother tried to stop us from even seeing each other. He told her he would cut all ties with her , before he would ever give me up. I was there when he said it and the look on her face was priceless.  She did come around a bit once she found out she was going to be a grandma, but I never got to have the relationship  with her I had hoped because she couldn't get over me ruining the life she had planned for her son. Sadly, she passed only a few years after we were married and that hope was completely lost.

Just recently, my husband's father died as well, and the girl sent a condolence card in the mail to my husband. It was very personal and did upset me a bit, but it was a lifetime ago they even spoke, so I'm not going to let him know it bothered me. She is married now too and has been for many years. 

I know your husband never had a relationship with his bff, but I still wanted to share because I know what it feels like to wonder if you're second choice. But like others have said, if something was going to happen between them, it would have happened by now. He married you, he chose to make a lifelong commitment to you. Who knows what was going on in his head when he caught feels for her? He may have only felt that way because he was single at the time and looking for a new option. If she's even moderately attractive, that makes it a no brainer because he knows what he's getting. It's easy to gravitate towards someone we know because it takes all the stress out of trying to find someone knew. I have alot of friends who have questioned whether or not they have feelings/attractions towards their opposite sex close friends, but most of the time it didn't work out because they were only putting that person in the romantic category to fill a void.

And this was before you, remember that, before you. His feelings for you have nothing to do with whatever he felt for her a year before. For all you know, had he been with her in a romantic way when he met you, he may have still fallen for you. You are the person he has chosen, so do your best everyday to show him he made the right choice.

Do not allow your paranoia to destroy your relationship.