How do I avoid being his rebound?

[Mm2285]

I met a man and there was immediate chemistry. One prob: his wife had just filed for divorce and moved out  1 week earlier, after decades together. He seemed genuinely into me but getting very physical very quickly too. After a handful of dates (and sex) he hardly texted me for days while at a family event with his sons and, turns out, his soon to be ex wife too. He said it was a really tough weekend w family drama. Then it was Valentine’s and all I got was a text in afternoon.

Next time we got together (he suggested me coming over for dinner or a restaurant, I chose coming over bc I wanted a private convo), I told him I was bummed about him disappearing that weekend plus VDay and that, given my past experiences etc, I really am not interested in casual sex or feeling used for sex and I just thought a lot of our dates had been predominantly at one of our houses. What followed was a weird mix of him saying he sees me as much more than that and his hands wandering and seeming super turned on by me anyhow… next day on phone telling me In same convo that 1) he isn’t in a place for commitment yet and 2) he can honestly say he loves me (! I just said I appreciated it)… Another convo he mentioned something about being ready to have a no sex relationship (?) w me till he was in a better place.

One day, he texted me that he couldn’t wait to see me over weekend , then 10 min later said he really wasn’t anywhere close to where he hoped he’d be mentally and would have to cancel. Then last night he asked me out to dinner and a movie and paid and gave me a passionate good night kiss but didn’t ask me to come over for sex. 
 

i really like him. Am fully aware it’s way too soon for him to commit in a new relationship. But I feel like he might be worth waiting for and am just looking for advice on how to handle this all.

[basil67]

Oh hon, you've already given many reasons why he's currently good for a fling but not a relationship.  The guy might be horny and wanting sex with you as someone new, but broadly he doesn't know if he's coming or going....which is completely normal when he's newly out of a marriage.   

How long have you known this guy for?  What's going on with you wanting him to be there for you on Valentines Day when you're not actually his girlfriend and he's got no commitment with you?   

Honestly, this guy has quite a journey to travel yet and you may or may not be part of it.  Waiting would be unfair to yourself and put pressure on him.

 

[glows]

You could wait but for how long and isn’t your time precious?

He appears to have some restraint which is positive but it may also be one of his off moods. You can’t ever know and that’s the sad part about all the emotions while exiting a marriage.

What drama did he have going on with his family anyway? Are you aware that by dating someone you’re also inheriting drama and issues? I’d take note that he has children so there may be coparenting to work out. 

We can’t help who we like once we’re already in it and it sounds like you’re just about neck deep. But we can still use some caution and pass on situations that don’t necessarily give back to us or are in any way healthy or reciprocal.

 

Edited March 2, 2023 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

Don't be involved with him.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

 he really wasn’t anywhere close to where he hoped he’d be mentally and would have to cancel. 

Yes, take your time. Your instincts are correct that he's not ready for a relationship. He's in the throes of divorce, confused and all over the place.

All you can do is step back and allow him to get his situation sorted out. Right now he's hot and cold. 

[JTSW]

He is fresh out of a very long marriage.

He is not going to be in any place for a relationship for a long long time.

He is only in it for the sex right now.

You need to be the one to back off and give him space.

Tell him that you are walking away and giving him time to heal.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

next day on phone telling me In same convo that 1) he isn’t in a place for commitment yet and 2) he can honestly say he loves me (! I just said I appreciated it)… Another convo he mentioned something about being ready to have a no sex relationship (?) w me till he was in a better place.

Just that.

His statement of not being ready for a relationship is actually very respectful.  He's co-signing that with his loving you and his "sexless" comment isn't (especially since you've already had sex).

I would just tell him to catch up with you when he decided he was ready. And then honor that and just be friends. No hookups, no making out, no heavy flirting. You will end up with a broken heart and he warned you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Run. Run for the hills. 

16 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

But I feel like he might be worth waiting for

Oh girl, no. You're going to be waiting a very long time, and get your heart trampled on along the way. Cut your losses now and explore other options. Maybe in a couple years you two might reconnect, but you should not stick around in the wings. 

Thank him for his honesty, and respectfully cut contact. You'll be stuck in a senseless merry-go-round otherwise. 

[stillafool]

He's hot and heavy to have sex because he's having problems with his wife and no longer getting it from her.  Did he tell you he loves you or that he's in love with you?  There's a difference.

He's probrobably trying his darnest to get his wife back but in the meantime he needs sex and someone to talk to.

[Gb85]

His wife actually did file for divorce this time. I don’t doubt that I’m a rebound. Just want to be more and since the timing is bad was looking for advice on how to perhaps give it longevity. I’ve played the game of keep seeing the guy estranged from his wife and have noncommittal sex and keep it fun and less heavy and guess what? They don’t turn around and commit.

[ShyViolet]

You are really wasting your time if you're hoping for a proper relationship out of this.  The chances of him being able to give that to you when he is going through a huge divorce and fresh out of a marriage are very, very slim.  You are looking for a "trick" to give this longevity.  There is no such thing.  He was honest with you when he told you he is not in a place right now to be able to commit to a relationship.  You would be wise to listen to what he has told you.

He had this fling with you because men like sex, and that's what it has been about for him.  That is obvious.  You can wish this wouldn't be a rebound, but that's exactly what it is.  There's no way to wave a magic wand and change that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your question about how to avoid rebound when dating a recently separated man is the equivalent of asking, "How can I eat candy and ice cream for three meals a day for three months and not be unhealthy?" That's what you're asking. 

There is no way around rebound with someone just out of a relationship. 

And this guy has already b.s-ed. You describe his absence and inconsistency quite convincingly.  He talks and then changes his mind.

He wants to have sex with you, and he has calculated that you are gullible if he just throws a few nice words at you.

Let's give you some tips here. Early on in any relationships. you do NOT want to accept no last-minute cancellations unless there is an extreme emergency. You do that once or twice and you have told the other person that they have a free hand to disappear, appear, lie, mislead and on and on. You're already in the tank here. 

Two, the guy isn't divorced, and just moved out. As a divorced person, moving out is positively disorienting. I don't know if "trauma" is the word, but moving out is dizzying. You don't think clearly. Stress hormones at their peak.  Your body is an emergency stress situation. You are separating from the person you thought you were going to be with til death. You had planned your life based on the idea that you would be with this person til the end, either them first or you.

A family member of mine had this saying. Before a man marries, the most important woman in his life is his mother. After the man marries, the most important person in his life is his wife. His wife has been the closest person in his life--by far. Separation from this person (even if you initiated it) is devastating. Even if you want the separation, you are facing the fact that you chose a person who was not good for you. You messed up. You can't believe things didn't work out. Your mind looks for ways to figure out what happened. Some people feel shame. You stood in front of the world and announced your commitment to be with them forever--and now you know you messed up. If the other person initiates the divorce, the rejection is even more devastating.

You cannot pick a more distracted, torn partner to date than someone recently separated and not yet divorced. And they will be that way for a while. And I don't mean a few days or a few weeks. We're talking  at least a good year or more. And for a lot of people, the clock doesn't start running until that legal divorce paper arrives.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Gb85]

I do appreciate the advice. Thing is, I’m divorced so I know exactly what it’s like at least for myself. Difference is, we were married a short time (though with a child on the way). I initiated it and rebounded and never have looked back or regretted it. Did my rebound relationship “work out”? No, considering he told me he’s a sociopath and lied about getting divorced and is like an aloof loner, BUT I consistently felt what I did for this new guy for years and never regretted leaving my husband and we are still friends. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Gb85

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I do appreciate the advice. Thing is, I’m divorced so I know exactly what it’s like at least for myself. Difference is, we were married a short time (though with a child on the way). I initiated it and rebounded and never have looked back or regretted it. Did my rebound relationship “work out”? No, considering he told me he’s a sociopath and lied about getting divorced and is like an aloof loner, BUT I consistently felt what I did for this new guy for years and never regretted leaving my husband and we are still friends. 

Are you the original thread starter?

It's a bit confusing given the initial thread posted under Mm2285.

[Lotsgoingon]

So you've been through separation divorce?! I guess I don't then understand your question. 

I will say this: you want to see if there is something substantive there, slow down the physical contact. Stop the sex for now. Make yourselves go out on public dates. 

Quick groping and making out and sex is the rebound script to a T. You just ride the fantasy of avoiding the pain. Cut out all of that and see what happens. 

 

 

[Gb85]

17 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So you've been through separation divorce?! I guess I don't then understand your question. 

I will say this: you want to see if there is something substantive there, slow down the physical contact. Stop the sex for now. Make yourselves go out on public dates. 

Quick groping and making out and sex is the rebound script to a T. You just ride the fantasy of avoiding the pain. Cut out all of that and see what happens. 

 

 

To the other poster- yeah, I’m the OP. I forgot I even had an account here years ago but kind of cool that they found and merged them. And thanks for this advice, it reinforces the choices I’ve made. After years spent with my rebound, who never officially left  his wife or committed to me, I was done playing cool girl available for casual sex. So when I picked up vibes from this new guy now, I told him that isn’t all I’m interested in, and yet he did take me out the other night with a nice kiss but nothing more and not trying to get me to come over. And went out of his way to do a nice favor for me today.

So, I just want to be respected, told him (truthfully) I’ve never been one for casual sex and would very much like to keep getting to know him with the acknowledgment that of course he can’t be ready for a relationship right now.

Frustrating when I’m ready for more and really like him but I don’t see another option.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Gb85 said:

His wife actually did file for divorce this time. 

Do you have proof of this?  It's a common lie cheating married people tell.  Sometimes toxic relationships are the hardest to end because of the passion involved between the two, both good and bad.  

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

Frustrating when I’m ready for more and really like him but I don’t see another option.

Your situation is challenging. Having communicated your boundaries and desires to the new guy is good, and he seems to respect them. In the meantime, it's understandable that you feel frustrated if you are looking for something serious and he is not ready.

Just tell him: "I understand."

Then take a step back and focus on yourself and your own goals and priorities, rather than investing too much energy into a relationship that may not be what you want in the long run. If it's not with him, it will be someone else. 

Remember, he is still processing his emotions and adjusting to his new life.

Be prepared for the fact that he may still have strong feelings for his ex-spouse, and needs time to work through those emotions before he can fully invest in a new relationship. 

When somebody ends an important relationship, like a marriage, there might be a god-sized hole in their life. So yes, he is looking for a distraction from that pain, and often that distraction takes the form of romantic relationships.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Pomz]

Soon you hear married or separated, run.

Because in both casses he can go back to her,and he is not single.

You are being used . Only good way is break it of. Block him and learn from this.

Beside a man running around while his life is not smooth and peaceful shouldnt be attractive to be with.

He need to finish the divorce have time to heal to....then he can get into dating.

Right now hes all ver the place,and you will get hurt what ever he do.

[glows]

On 3/2/2023 at 4:14 PM, Gb85 said:

His wife actually did file for divorce this time. I don’t doubt that I’m a rebound. Just want to be more and since the timing is bad was looking for advice on how to perhaps give it longevity. I’ve played the game of keep seeing the guy estranged from his wife and have noncommittal sex and keep it fun and less heavy and guess what? They don’t turn around and commit.

It can be more when he’s divorced and he is a bit more consistent in his manners and behaviour. It can also be more when all his family drama is smoothed out or near non-existent.

You’ve dated a self proclaiming sociopath and liar and are still friends with this person? Why attract all these weirdos and unavailable people? Kindly, don’t you see you’re repeating old patterns? Mingling with the worst, hoping for the best.

[Gb85]

On 3/4/2023 at 11:32 PM, glows said:

You’ve dated a self proclaiming sociopath and liar and are still friends with this person? Why attract all these weirdos and unavailable people? Kindly, don’t you see you’re repeating old patterns? Mingling with the worst, hoping for the best.

Is it alarming that I don’t see him as a “weirdo” (though some old coworkers would disagree)? I think it’s a fairly normal man who must care about me to share something honest that sounds unflattering like “I’m a sociopath and feel almost nothing for anyone” and “I lack empathy”

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

Is it alarming that I don’t see him as a “weirdo” (though some old coworkers would disagree)? I think it’s a fairly normal man who must care about me to share something honest that sounds unflattering like “I’m a sociopath and feel almost nothing for anyone” and “I lack empathy”

It's completely alarming!

There is nothing normal about someone who describes themselves in this way.  It's the very definition of a person who must be avoided at all costs.   

Edited March 9, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

23 hours ago, Gb85 said:

Is it alarming that I don’t see him as a “weirdo” (though some old coworkers would disagree)? I think it’s a fairly normal man who must care about me to share something honest that sounds unflattering like “I’m a sociopath and feel almost nothing for anyone” and “I lack empathy”

I’d probably step back, yeah. No, it doesn’t sound normal and it’s not ok that he lies or possibly treats people callously without remorse or in a flippant or casual manner. I’m reading that from the way he might have treated you and the use of “sociopath”. People don’t usually go around throwing that word around lightly. If they are I’d question that too.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/9/2023 at 4:05 AM, Gb85 said:

I think it’s a fairly normal man who must care about me to share something honest that sounds unflattering like “I’m a sociopath and feel almost nothing for anyone” and “I lack empathy”

No, this is not it. At all. 

It's a man warning you that he's a few fries short of a Happy Meal, so you can't complain later when this "sociopathic" behaviour is turned on you. He will be able to say that he told you so. 

[Gb85]

I was involved with a married man for almost 5 years. I told him up front I wouldn’t even come over his place until he was officially separated. Well, he lied about that first. Later admitted he was never getting divorced but that was only to preserve his access to his son (back in the country where he left him with his wife), and so he didn’t have to give his wife all his $$.

I reached out to his wife several times, wondering if she was actually ok with what he & I were doing, or if he was lying to me about that too. Each time she’d act like she didn’t care, but then he’d message me furious that he couldn’t see his child.  Then it would “die down,” likely bc he was feeding her more lies. So this most recent time I sent her undeniable proof of his sexual involvement w me. Now, he’s furious  saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. Why can’t he see that HE ruined it? What do you expect when you try to keep me as a side piece, never giving me a proper relationship? That is so hurtful

 

hes said multiple  times before he never wants to see me again, but I also wonder why I want to anyhow, rather than viewing him as a sociopathic (his word) monster.