Friend's phone has been off for almost two days - should I worry?

[Superlative88]

We last messaged on Feb 19th. I sent a message on 22nd (delivered) and something again on 23rd (also delivered). 

I sent a message this past Tuesday 28th (not delivered, only sent). 

We use the Signal app. 

His phone could have been off for longer than than almost two, all I know his phone was on on Feb 23rd. 

He ghosted me for 8 months last year (messages were delivered during this time). We've been talking consistency again this January and February, him asking me questions etc. 

He knows I have feelings for him, so these past two months have been a bit confusing, as he didn't acknowledge the feelings message until I'd asked if he wanted to meet up in person - 2023 gave me some hope, as he was so much more communicative. He'd said meeting in person wouldn't be good as it'd be like "hanging a carrot from a stick" and that he wasn't feeling very social. In his words he's in "hermit mode". He's in his 30s and lives at home at the moment, due to still seeking a job...I've asked him if he's okay personally, and he'd said he's fine. 

He has a tendency to not reply for a while, but this is the first time being on undelivered has occurred for this long and now I am really worried about him. 

He's very technologically savvy and is on the extreme end of online security, so no social media as an alternative contact, only an email account. But he'd said he hasn't touched his laptop yet for 2023, so no bets on an email reply. 

He uses Signal app on a really old (11 years) Nokia phone. He doesn't use phone numbers or have a landline. He's very much about cyber security. He has a sister on Facebook I think, so worse comes to worse, I could message to see if he's at least still alive - but that feels so invasive and weird. I have this sinking feeling I may need to do this. 

Because he sometimes has disappeared in the past (but at least the messages were delivered) I cannot tell if I should be really worried (what if he's in hospital or worse) or if this is just him shutting social interaction out. Which hurts, he could have at least told me he was going off the radar. 

I don't understand why he didn't acknowledge my message about feelings for him, message me a lot / ask me questions for all of 2023 so far, tell me childhood stuff, and now disappear? Worse than 2022, as at least my messages were delivered. I cannot concentrate on my job or anything as I am just worried. It's fine if he wants time alone, but it's the worry of when will he come back, if ever. Just worried about him. 

I suspect he ghosted me for 8 months last year (from April 2022), as he joked about taking my virginity (I'm a late bloomer, sadly) and I replied positively, he left that on read, and my response to his question "do you only overthink our conversations or with other friends, too?" (guessing he was asking to gauge if I had feelings for him - I replied it was only him - left on read). I confessed the feelings clearly in a message in August, 2022 (during the ghosting period). 

Anyway, his behaviour is confusing and I am just really worried about him. 

I hope he's okay. I'm so worried. I cannot sleep. Edit: known him since 2015. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by Superlative88

[ShyViolet]

You have an unhealthy obsession with a person you have never met.

He has ghosted you before, so that is the most likely explanation here.  And even if something did happen to him, he has family who would be there and deal with it.  He doesn't live alone, he lives with his parents according to you.  You are not in this guy's life in real life, so if something did happen to him, it's not your business to get involved, and no you shouldn't be contacting his sister or family members.  That would be very weird.

Throughout this time you've been talking to him virtually, he's given you many indications that he isn't as invested in this friendship as you, and doesn't return your feelings.  So what you should have been doing is distancing yourself and not letting yourself get so carried away with this.  It's become very unhealthy for you.

[Superlative88]

We have met. I've met him in person many times while we studied at university. 

[basil67]

As he has a history of flaking, you should assume it’s more of the same.   Worrying should be reserved for those who’s absences are out of character 

Edited March 2, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

He doesn't feel the same way as you do.

I can guarantee that he is perfectly fine, he is just ghosting you again.

Please stop worrying for nothing and just move on. 

He's obviously not worrying about you.

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Superlative88 said:

We have met. I've met him in person many times while we studied at university. 

Oh, in your post you made it sound like you haven't.

In any case, that doesn't change my advice.

[NuevoYorko]

I believe he's uncomfortable with your intensity when there is really nothing serious or intimate between you.  Some people respond to that buy disappearing; I suspect this is his method.

[Alpacalia]

He's intentionally taking some time off from social interaction, as he mentioned being in "hermit mode."  I'm sure it's also partly that he's not sure how to respond to your confession of feelings, and that he's not interested in a romantic relationship.

The unfortunate reality is that all relationships come to an end. I’m sure you are disappointed, hurt, confused, feeling like you need an explanation. At this point, I’d just assume that he’s got some issues going on in his life that prevent him from being a friend.

[Lotsgoingon]

They are not acknowledging your message sharing your feelings for the same reason a job recruiter does not reply to a job inquiry.

They are not interested in romance with you. They don't know how to tell you that they have no interest in that. 

No reply = no attraction and no interest. Quit worrying about them. That's what we do thinking we will get someone Interested. Does not work and is backwards. People don't develop feelings because the other is a concerned friend.

You are the one in pain right how. Focus on your own grief and disappointment.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, Superlative88 said:

We have met. I've met him in person many times while we studied at university. 

So it sounds like you've met in person in the past.  But when you asked him to meet up in person now, he makes excuses and says no.  That should tell you all you need to know.... leave this man alone.  There's no sense chasing someone who isn't interested in you.

[Superlative88]

I just think it's incredibly cruel to:

1. Not acknowledge the feelings message from 2022 + not apologise for joking about my hymen breaking for him, given it was evidently just a passing joke (and he knew I had feelings for him in the past, too).

2. Then, talk to me A LOT, ask me questions, tell me his worries and other things in Jan and Feb 2023

3. Leave 

If he had NO INTENTION to even be my friend, WHY talk to me this Jan and Feb 2023 and then disappear again. 

This is why I am confused. 

Also the irony for HIM to mention he was ghosted by an employer last year...yet he ghosted me for 8 months in the same year. That was tone deaf. 

He's a grown man with his own agency, if he didn't want to be friends, he should have said it. 

I realise I can be intense and worry a lot. I should rein it in. I will not be reaching out to him again, but evidently doesn't matter anyway. 8 years of knowing a really great guy, down  the drain, I just really enjoyed talking to him. God, I'm such an idiot. I ruin everything. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by Superlative88
Spelling

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, Superlative88 said:

I just think it's incredibly cruel to:

1. Not acknowledge the feelings message from 2022 + not apologise for joking about my hymen breaking for him, given it was evidently just a passing joke (and he knew I had feelings for him in the past, too).

2. Then, talk to me A LOT, ask me questions, tell me his worries and other things in Jan and Feb 2023

3. Leave 

If he had NO INTENTION to even be my friend, WHY talk to me this Jan and Feb 2023 and then disappear again. 

Ok, if his behavior was cruel, then it's your responsibility to recognize that and remove yourself from the situation.  You cannot control other people.  You can sit around wondering "why why why" he did the things he did, but you will never get an answer.  It's time for you to move on.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Superlative88 said:

 joking about my hymen breaking for him  I will not be reaching out to him again, 

It's good you're not contacting him again.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. Consider this your ticket to freedom to find local available men who care about you.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Superlative88 said:

I don't understand why he didn't acknowledge my message about feelings for him,

Because he's not interested in you romantically and didn't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and saying it.  So he ghosted you for months to let you get over him.

27 minutes ago, Superlative88 said:

If he had NO INTENTION to even be my friend, WHY talk to me this Jan and Feb 2023 and then disappear again. 

You wanted to be his friend, he needed information so he asked as a friend.  He got the info he needs and has gone on about his business as most friends do.  He's not interested in daily or weekly communication with you and wants you to know it.  You can't be his friend because you still have feelings for him and suspect he know this so he went missing again.  It's time for you to get over him and move on with your life.

Edited March 2, 2023 by stillafool

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, Superlative88 said:

2. Then, talk to me A LOT, ask me questions,

This is what friends do.  It's called catching up.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your list of offenses puts you in the victim mode, passive victim mode, helpless victim mode. Here's the challenge. Friends aren't siblings we can go to mommy for help on when they act up. It's up to US to notice and then to act!

If a friend withdraws or doesn't act like we  expect, it's OUR job (as independent adults) to recognize something isn't right and to adjust expectations and actions accordingly.

When people consistently confusing or bad signals, stop! Hold things up. Don't answer the call if they call. Cut the conversation short if you feel used by them calling you talking about their issues.The hardest part is coming out of denial, facing the reality that your friend isn't being a good friend. As soon as you notice that, you can have a conversation with them about that. Or not and just limit your time with them and definitely don't share your heart with them.

I fell in love with a good friend. She never responded directly to my confession of attraction. Somehow we continued as friends for a while (because I actually did enjoy her as a friend) and I dated other people. Later, she'd call me all the time wanting support from me, which was fine. But she would call at the level of a romantic partner would call. For the amount of time that she wanted to talk, I would do so only with a romance partner. I finally did protect myself by not accepting calls and not talking to her. It's been about 20 years now. Had I continued to go along with her weirdness I'd be a basket case right now.  

You can do the same. If any relationship is causing you pain, pause! Pause! ... Get off automatic, check in with yourself and  proceed to protect yourself. You are looking for people who give us what we give them in equal measures. 

 

 

[Superlative88]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok, if his behavior was cruel, then it's your responsibility to recognize that and remove yourself from the situation.  You cannot control other people.  You can sit around wondering "why why why" he did the things he did, but you will never get an answer.  It's time for you to move on.

Cruel was the wrong word. "Confusing" seems more accurate. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Superlative88 said:

I just think it's incredibly cruel to:

1. Not acknowledge the feelings message from 2022 + not apologise for joking about my hymen breaking for him, given it was evidently just a passing joke (and he knew I had feelings for him in the past, too).

2. Then, talk to me A LOT, ask me questions, tell me his worries and other things in Jan and Feb 2023

3. Leave 

If he had NO INTENTION to even be my friend, WHY talk to me this Jan and Feb 2023 and then disappear again. 

This is why I am confused. 

Also the irony for HIM to mention he was ghosted by an employer last year...yet he ghosted me for 8 months in the same year. That was tone deaf. 

He's a grown man with his own agency, if he didn't want to be friends, he should have said it. 

I realise I can be intense and worry a lot. I should rein it in. I will not be reaching out to him again, but evidently doesn't matter anyway. 8 years of knowing a really great guy, down  the drain, I just really enjoyed talking to him. God, I'm such an idiot. I ruin everything. 

Re the bolded, I've had friendships come and go, but I'd never had a friend outright tell me that they don't want to be friends.  

It's also quite likely that he's fine being having a casual friendship with you.  One without expectations, and he's likely thinking that you will understand that if he goes into 'hermit mode', then he's in his cave for a while.   Of course, if this isn't the type of friendship you want, you are free to block him so that he can't contact you when he does come back out of his cave.

Regarding his 'cruelties'  (or confusions)

1. It was banter.  Don't take banter too seriously

2 and 3.  He told you that he is in hermit mode.  And given his history, this is a thing he does...and if you want to be his friend, then you need to be aware that this will happen.

Regarding him not responding to you confessing feelings, he probably didn't know what to say and how to let you down gently, so felt the easiest way out was to ignore it.  

 

 

Edited March 2, 2023 by basil67

[Superlative88]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Re the bolded, I've had friendships come and go, but I'd never had a friend outright tell me that they don't want to be friends.  

It's also quite likely that he's fine being having a casual friendship with you.  One without expectations, and he's likely thinking that you will understand that if he goes into 'hermit mode', then he's in his cave for a while.   Of course, if this isn't the type of friendship you want, you are free to block him so that he can't contact you when he does come back out of his cave.

Regarding his 'cruelties'  (or confusions)

1. It was banter.  Don't take banter too seriously

2 and 3.  He told you that he is in hermit mode.  And given his history, this is a thing he does...and if you want to be his friend, then you need to be aware that this will happen.

Regarding him not responding to you confessing feelings, he probably didn't know what to say and how to let you down gently, so felt the easiest way out was to ignore it.  

 

 

I do want to be his friend. You're probably right, I need to give him his space and accept this is what he does. 

I just think I am applying how I'd react in this situation - when / if he has a new partner in the future, if I was in his situation, I wouldn't keep in contact and be direct about why friendship isn't an option. I'm thinking long-term here, and not living in the moment, I guess. Which is silly, perhaps. Friends come and go. But if this friendship is clearly doomed, what are we even doing. 

 

[Superlative88]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Re the bolded, I've had friendships come and go, but I'd never had a friend outright tell me that they don't want to be friends.  

This holds no merit in this situation. There's a clear reason why friendship isn't an option - someone has feelings for the other. Even though I desperately  want to be his friend. Everyone feels the same and he's so unique and I just enjoy what he has to say. But there's a clear gateway for him to say this isn't right for him, if he feels this is making him uncomfortable. I don't want to assume.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Superlative88
Added detail.

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Superlative88 said:

This holds no merit in this situation. There's a clear reason why friendship isn't an option - someone has feelings for the other. Even though I desperately  want to be his friend. Everyone feels the same and he's so unique and I just enjoy what he has to say. But there's a clear gateway for him to say this isn't right for him, if he feels this is making him uncomfortable. I don't want to assume.

If you know that friendship isn't an option because you have feelings, why does he have to tell you this outright?

[Superlative88]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you know that friendship isn't an option because you have feelings, why does he have to tell you this outright?

Because I'd regret walking away. I have one other friend. As I find it so hard to connect with others. If he wanted to end it, that's fine, I'd respect it. But because he's such a private person, I worry he doesn't have many others to talk to, too. I just value his perspective on life so much, I'd miss it. But what do I give him? I guess that's the question I should be asking myself. 

[Superlative88]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you know that friendship isn't an option because you have feelings, why does he have to tell you this outright?

I meant, there's a "clear reason" for him to not continue the friendship. if I was in his shoes, I wouldn't continue the friendship and just say something. Because I am on the other side of it, this decision isn't as easy, as I value his friendship (while enduring feelings). Should he be the one to put me out of my misery, no, I am also capable of making decisions. But I don't want to regret it. I just know if I was in his shoes, I'd outright say space is better for his sake. Him making that decision for me, makes walking away easier. Yes, I know that sounds unfair. I'm just so lonely RE friends. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Superlative88 said:

 I just know if I was in his shoes, I'd outright say space is better for his sake. 

Lots of people do not feel like this.  It is confrontational and uncomfortable, while just ghosting is very easy, especially when the person is not a part of "real life" interactions.  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Superlative88 said:

 Him making that decision for me, makes walking away easier.

He didn't make that decision for you; but for himself.