Push/pull left out in the cold

[Notagain123]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

And this is why it is so easy for him to manipulate you, because you let him.

Sounds pathetic doesn’t it? 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

Sounds pathetic doesn’t it? 

No hun, he took advantage of you and messed with your heart.

He made you think he cared for you. 

Don't blame yourself and don't be angry at yourself.

Blame HIM for hurting you.

[Notagain123]

15 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No hun, he took advantage of you and messed with your heart.

He made you think he cared for you. 

Don't blame yourself and don't be angry at yourself.

Blame HIM for hurting you.

And then he just gets to get away with it? That’s so unfortunate. No consequences. I don’t mean with his family. I mean that it just doesn’t effect him at all. He doesn’t have to suffer through this pain. He just gets to live his life as if nothing ever happened. I know I’ll be okay. It reopened an old wound but I wish he was suffering too. 

[JTSW]

18 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

And then he just gets to get away with it? That’s so unfortunate. No consequences. I don’t mean with his family. I mean that it just doesn’t effect him at all. He doesn’t have to suffer through this pain. He just gets to live his life as if nothing ever happened. I know I’ll be okay. It reopened an old wound but I wish he was suffering too. 

Karma will come to him.

Have you kept all the messages he sent?

Do you have a way of maybe sending them to his wife so she will know what her slime ball husband has been up to?

[Notagain123]

21 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Karma will come to him.

Have you kept all the messages he sent?

Do you have a way of maybe sending them to his wife so she will know what her slime ball husband has been up to?

I wouldn’t do that and I’m pretty sure she has an idea anyway. It doesn’t feel right to now say something after all this time. It’s almost 4 years. All that time wasted to end up completely discarded again

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I wouldn’t do that and I’m pretty sure she has an idea anyway. It doesn’t feel right to now say something after all this time. It’s almost 4 years. All that time wasted to end up completely discarded again

Then like I said, never let him back in.

Block him everywhere.

Don't give him the time of day.

[Notagain123]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then like I said, never let him back in.

Block him everywhere.

Don't give him the time of day.

I guess I have never tried that before. I wish I felt more empowered. I guess I’m just heartbroken all over again. Have to start from scratch. Thanks for your feedback. It’s helpful. I have no one to talk to which is why I came here. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Notagain123 said:

I have no one to talk to which is why I came here. 

Feel free to DM me anytime you need to talk

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Feel free to DM me anytime you need to talk /cdn-cgi/mirage/836e8dbb51e22c9800e9935812d1eda984a02f8c13553c75fcec6ea65174b36b/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/smile.gif.365fdc925ab7f51a9626f13390a96867.gif

Thanks! Have you been through this before? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Notagain123 said:

And then he just gets to get away with it? That’s so unfortunate. No consequences. I don’t mean with his family. I mean that it just doesn’t effect him at all. He doesn’t have to suffer through this pain. He just gets to live his life as if nothing ever happened. I know I’ll be okay. It reopened an old wound but I wish he was suffering too. 

It’s well known on this board, men and women tend to behave very differently in affairs. Women tend to “replace” - they tend to want to establish their affair partner as their primary relationship… women are much more likely to want to leave their spouse to be with their affair partner…

Men don’t do the same. Their primary relationship is their spouse and they tend not to want to leave their family because such a decision has huge financial, social, and professional consequences. Men are looking for a little “extra” and as such, they tend not to invest in the affair in the same way that women do. 

You are very clearly way over-invested in this relationship, as evidenced by the fact that you are pining away after a man who does not chose you. He has treated you very disrespectfully and you say - “oh, I just wish that I had the strength to be angry with him.” Girl, you need to pull back and focus on yourself and your family - not your affair partner. 

I would ask the obvious question that hasn’t been asked - what of your marriage and your children? Who is your primary partner here?

Edited February 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

. I have reached out three times and no response. 

In addition to getting a qualified therapist for ongoing support, you need to block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

With therapy you could explore why you got involved with this and overinvested this much. 

Unfortunately escaping marital problems through affairs only compounds the pain. The underlying problems remain unaddressed and the pain of an affair ending is added to that. 

[Notagain123]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s well known on this board, men and women tend to behave very differently in affairs. Women tend to “replace” - they tend to want to establish their affair partner as their primary relationship… women are much more likely to want to leave their spouse to be with their affair partner…

Men don’t do the same. Their primary relationship is their spouse and they tend not to want to leave their family because such a decision has huge financial, social, and professional consequences. Men are looking for a little “extra” and as such, they tend not to invest in the affair in the same way that women do. 

You are clearly way over-invested in this relationship, as evidenced by the fact that you are married and you have three children and here you are - pining away after a man who does not chose you. I would ask the obvious question that hasn’t been asked - what of your marriage and your children? Who is your primary partner here?

I am aware how different I have treated the relationship. And I was okay this last time he ended it. I accepted it, was trying to fix my own home. I know I was checked out a lot of the time, distracted. I was much more present and actually enjoying my home life. What I don’t understand is the constant back and forth. Why not just let sleeping dogs lie.. do just come back to disappear again makes no sense to me. I have never asked for anything other than to not be ghosted. I want to scream for how naive I have been. I want to scream at him for doing this to me again. I guess I have to go through the process again. This time not taking this step backwards. 

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In addition to getting a qualified therapist for ongoing support, you need to block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

With therapy you could explore why you got involved with this and overinvested this much. 

Unfortunately escaping marital problems through affairs only compounds the pain. The underlying problems remain unaddressed and the pain of an affair ending is added to that. 

I didn’t even realize I was escaping. I didn’t set out looking for this. I never even thought I would behave in such a disgraceful manner. I know it’s wrong. I also know why it happened. I have done therapy and I have great insight into the why of it all. I just don’t know how to take that first step. I hate having loose ends and feeling like such a fool. He always has the upper hand no matter how hard I try to shift that. Is it he is just a monster with absolutely no feelings? Was the past almost 4 years really just an act? That is wild to me. 

[JTSW]

19 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

Thanks! Have you been through this before? 

No, I haven't been through this.

But I've been told I'm a great listener and give great advise.

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

What I don’t understand is the constant back and forth. Why not just let sleeping dogs lie.. do just come back to disappear again makes no sense to me.

Kindly, there are things in life that we do not understand - and that’s ok. He is not you, you are not him. It is not for you to understand what he is thinking because he is his own person and he makes his own decisions. 

But again, this is what MM do. They come and they go, they come and they go. Read these board and you will see - it is a very predictable pattern of behavior. MM come and they go. They come again and when they do - the OW gets all in a tizzy and makes a post, exactly as you have done. It’s entirely predictable to anyone who knows anything about extramarital affairs. 

 

24 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I have never asked for anything other than to not be ghosted.

This is the more important question - he has not respected your wish. He has not treated you with respect. He has dismissed your feelings in favour of his own - and he has crossed your boundary. You should be angry about that - you should be furious. But not in a, “I’m just so mad I could scream but I wish I was mad enough to put him out of my life” way… You should be angry in a - “I’m going to block you and never talk to you again because of what you have done to me” kind of way…

He is doing what MM do - he is behaving in a very selfish and entitled way. And, hate to say it but you are doing what OW do - allowing him to blow past your very weak boundaries with no consequence and then obsessing endlessly about why he does the things that he does and why you just can’t seem to let this go… 

What we are trying to say here is it’s not about him, this is all about you.  This is about you enforcing a boundary, it is about you taking back control, it’s about you directing your own life and making better decisions for yourself…

Edited February 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

. He always has the upper hand no matter how hard I try to shift that. 

When you delete and block him, you'll have the upper hand and can take back control of your life. 

[Notagain123]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Kindly, there are things in life that we do not understand - and that’s ok. He is not you, you are not him. It is not for you to understand what he is thinking because he is his own person and he makes his own decisions. 

But again, this is what MM do. They come and they go, they come and they go. Read these board and you will see - it is a very predictable pattern of behavior. MM come and they go. They come again and when they do - the OW gets all in a tizzy and makes a post, exactly as you have done. It’s entirely predictable to anyone who knows anything about extramarital affairs. 

 

This is the more important question - he has not respected your wish. He has not treated you with respect. He has dismissed your feelings in favour of his own - and he has crossed your boundary. You should be angry about that - you should be furious. But not in a, “I’m just so mad I could scream but I wish I was mad enough to put him out of my life” way… You should be angry in a - “I’m going to block you and never talk to you again because of what you have done to me” kind of way…

He is doing what MM do - he is behaving in a very selfish and entitled way. And, hate to say it but you are doing what OW do - allowing him to blow past your very weak boundaries with no consequence and then obsessing endlessly about why he does the things that he does and why you just can’t seem to let this go… 

What we are trying to say here is it’s not about him, this is all about you.  This is about you enforcing a boundary, it is about you taking back control, it’s about you directing your own life and making better decisions for yourself…

You are so right about the obsessing. I feel so disrespected. I want to tell him off but I guess there is no need to do that. Silence is probably my best friend in this situation. I wish I would have not responded this last time. I was so far along in this recovery and I messed it all up. 

[Notagain123]

50 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No, I haven't been through this.

But I've been told I'm a great listener and give great advise.

Thanks so much. I’m struggling and feel so isolated in my pain. I don’t feel like I have the right to even be upset. I guess it’s getting what I also deserve for engaging in this type of relationship 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

I want to be ready but in reality I keep waiting for him to reach out. I don’t know why it is taking so long for me to move on. I usually can think rationally and this has thrown me completely. He’s got such full control over me even in his absence. Which is exactly what he always wants. 

Do you keep telling yourself this? That he’s the exception to the rule or different from everyone else? 

3 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

You are so right about the obsessing. I feel so disrespected. I want to tell him off but I guess there is no need to do that. Silence is probably my best friend in this situation. I wish I would have not responded this last time. I was so far along in this recovery and I messed it all up. 

 

1 minute ago, Notagain123 said:

Thanks so much. I’m struggling and feel so isolated in my pain. I don’t feel like I have the right to even be upset. I guess it’s getting what I also deserve for engaging in this type of relationship 

Try changing the negative self talk. Also, respectfully, no more of the pity party. You’re not a victim here so best to take yourself out of that mindset. It’s okay to feel disappointed with yourself, then shake it off or snap out of it and develop some resolve and move on. We make mistakes and then learn from them. 

It’s the expectation that you keep having of yourself to fail and that he’s different somehow that will continue keeping you in this cycle. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

I know you’re right it’s about him. He’s super religious. I don’t understand why he keeps hurting me over and over. For someone so righteous he really doesn’t care 

There's nothing righteous about this man or he wouldn't be cheating on his wife and breaking commandments like it's nothing.  He hurts you because you allow it.  Don't blame him for your part in this.

[Notagain123]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When you delete and block him, you'll have the upper hand and can take back control of your life. 

I guess it’s the only thing left to do. I always felt I didn’t need to do that bc it’s not like I would reach out to him ever. 

[Notagain123]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you keep telling yourself this? That he’s the exception to the rule or different from everyone else? 

I don’t know that I think he is the exception to a rule but more like how you can be so cruel to someone you cared about. I never saw this type of evil before.

Try changing the negative self talk. Also, respectfully, no more of the pity party. You’re not a victim here so best to take yourself out of that mindset. It’s okay to feel disappointed with yourself, then shake it off or snap out of it and develop some resolve and move on. We make mistakes and then learn from them. 

It’s the expectation that you keep having of yourself to fail and that he’s different somehow that will continue keeping you in this cycle. 
you are absolutely right. I do not mean to come off as a pity party. I don’t even feel a right to be upset which is why I came here bc in my actual life I could never admit what happened here to anyone. I wanted to get feedback without fear of being judged. I am trying to make changes so I can feel more empowered. 

 

[Notagain123]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There's nothing righteous about this man or he wouldn't be cheating on his wife and breaking commandments like it's nothing.  He hurts you because you allow it.  Don't blame him for your part in this.

I agree he is not actually righteous, he just thinks he is. You’re right I allow it over and over again. I guess deep down I want him to suffer as I am. I know that is juvenile but it would make me feel better to know he is sad without me. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I guess it’s the only thing left to do. I always felt I didn’t need to do that bc it’s not like I would reach out to him ever. 

No contact is what allows you to move on. You end it, there is no way to contact each other, you move on with your life…

You are obviously not ready to do that. 

You did what many women do, you left the door open just in case he has a change of heart. You said it yourself - 

Quote

“In reality, I kept waiting for him to reach out.”

“I figured if he ever came back he wouldn’t leave again.”

Well, not you know that’s not true. And now you know how this feels. 

If his goal in contacting you was to get you thinking about him again - mission accomplished. 

If you are serious about wanting to end this relationship and move on with your family, the most important thing to do is to go no contact. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No contact is what allows you to move on. You end it, there is no way to contact each other, you move on with your life…

You did what many women do, you left the door open just in case he has a change of heart. You said it yourself - 

If his goal in contacting you was to get you thinking about him again - mission accomplished. 

If you are serious about wanting to end this relationship and move on with your family, the most important thing to do is to go no contact. 

You are right mission accomplished! Worse than before! It’s terrible. I hate feeling as though my head is overturn with thoughts of him. Do I tell him that I plan to block him? And ask him never to contact me again?