JTSW Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 18 hours ago, Notagain123 said: If he would just man up and say he made a mistake and wants to go back to nc I would feel much better. It would take home less than 5 minutes to write that to me. He's not going to do that because he doesn't care. And neither should you. I hope you have blocked him everywhere now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 18 hours ago, Notagain123 said: say he made a mistake and wants to go back to nc. It would take home less than 5 minutes to write that to me. Yes, and conversely it would take you 5 mins to write him that it's over then delete and block him. You have complete control over the situation at your fingertips. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notagain123 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 8 hours ago, S2B said: Really? So why don’t you divorce your husband? and what makes you justify swiping someone else’s husband? do you make enough money to support yourself? I don’t want to divorce. I am actually not justifying swiping someone’s husband. I know it’s wrong. I am hoping to just move on from this terrible situation and not go backwards. And yes I can support myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notagain123 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You miss because at this point your brain is adapted to, nearly addicted to, the pain and dysfunction and very occasional pleasure of the relationship. And even though you intellectually know that any pleasure will be followed by pain, you're adapted to this cycle. That's why i highly recommend counseling. The hardest part of breaking from this guy will be going the initial weeks of letting him go WHILE ALSO BUILDING A LIFE, and a real love life. Time with this guy is soap opera version of life. Always some problem, some complication, some hidden lie and yet "I love you John." This "missing him" is just like missing a bad food that you're used to eating frequently. Just means you've eaten the food too long--means nothing about how much you really value the food. Make things easy and get to a counselor who will coach you through letting go and moving forward. Really great input! Thank you! I know it has the same qualities as addiction. This is definitely a relapse of sorts and I am hoping I can get back on the wagon. He uses intermittent reinforcement to keep me stuck and I believe he does this with intention. I was doing so well and if only I would have not responded this last time I would still be so far along in my recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Notagain123 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 3 hours ago, glows said: I’d look into this a bit deeper and question that. Question what it is you’re missing if what you miss feels terrible. Don’t assume it’s about trauma and say that it is - really question why it matters to you now and how you see it fitting in the bigger picture of your whole life stretched out in front of you. Your future depends on it, your peace of mind, mental and emotional health. And also the well-being of your 3 kids. How does he (AP) or your husband for that matter fit in your life at all? Do you know or are you operating on outdated ideas that have long expired/no longer relevant to the current situation? Perhaps your H deceived you too or went behind your back once or several times. Are you going to keep living your life as one big reaction to what H did by having affairs and feeling bad about yourself? Or will you find a different way to live? Just some thoughts. It’s good you’re writing and getting a lot of this out. But it isn’t enough to live on a series of reactions. Be proactive and figure out a better way to process or live your life - one without perpetual sadness, fear or stress. It’s true I guess that I have reacted to my husband. I have forgiven him. I don’t believe in throwing my marriage away for his discretions. I want to rebuild my family and find peace. I know it’s possible bc I was on my way to getting back to myself before he reached out. I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was to him after 5 months. Now I know I just block and delete to remove future risks of this happening again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 18, 2023 Share Posted February 18, 2023 On 2/17/2023 at 3:34 AM, Notagain123 said: It’s true I guess that I have reacted to my husband. I have forgiven him. I don’t believe in throwing my marriage away for his discretions. I want to rebuild my family and find peace. I know it’s possible bc I was on my way to getting back to myself before he reached out. I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was to him after 5 months. Now I know I just block and delete to remove future risks of this happening again. Absolutely. If he doesn’t add to your life appropriately or joyfully, block and delete. At the risk of sounding harsh, he’s a waste of space and taking up too much room. Takes up room, negative influence, doesn’t add to your life meaningfully = dump. I’m glad to hear you’re dedicated to reconciling or working things out with your husband. These kinds of distractions will always be there. The point is your marriage had been on the rocks and it’s time to repair the marriage. You don’t believe in ending a marriage for your husband’s indiscretions but are you able to look him in the eye and appreciate him as a person or regain respect for him as a partner? Just some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 18, 2023 Share Posted February 18, 2023 There are, to borrow some language from the recovery community, relapses and there are "slips." Falling back once can be a slip. Relapse is going back to the same behavior before you got on the path to separate from the addiction (in your case, this man). Recoveries can proceed with success after a slip. Sometimes the slip---if you address it well, if it reminds you of the misery of the "addiction"--can strengthen you and deepen your commitment as you continue to move forward. Keep going! Less I'm disappointed and more "Let me get back on the path." Because guilt and self-criticism can really just increase our stress and thus increase our desire for that old comfortable bad thing we're trying to separate from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 He has been hurting you WAY too long. Teach him a lesson by saying this: If I hear from you ever again, I WILL contact your wife directly to tell all. Even if you will never go through with it (and I wouldn't advise you to do so), it may put so much fear inside him that he will finally stop this nonsense. After 5 mos of NC you were finally healing. Since you are vulnerable to his charms, I would go this route! Link to post Share on other sites
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