AP Wants NC for 5 Months

[bfxing]

My AP and I are both married.  It's been almost a year.  We live on opposite sides of the country and so have no had any in-person contact since the night we met and expressed interest in each other.  (It's been a lot of flirting, sexting, long phone conversations about all of our shared interests, etc.)  From that night, my feelings have been strong and he says his have, too, but he hasn't told his wife anything.  I've been open with my husband and we are working through what it means for us.  Last week, I finally confronted AP and said, "your wife doesn't know, you have no plan to tell her, and you refuse to see me in person".  He said he needed 5 months to get his life together and that he would reach out to me on a specific day.  Now I'm stuck wondering if he's going to tell his wife during this time, if they will repair things, if they will separate, etc.  Part of me feels like if he wanted to be with me, he would, but we both have young children so I also understand all of the complications.  How do I get through the next five months?  (I've blocked him on all social media.)  

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, bfxing said:

I've been open with my husband and we are working through what it means for us. 

What does this mean for you and your husband?  Have you told him it's your affair partner you want to be with if he's free?  I imagine you and your affair partner both need this 5 month period to decide if you want to be together and to tell that to your spouses that you do.   I think this is probably the end of your affair.

[bfxing]

Thanks @stillafool.  I think if my AP wants to leave his wife and takes steps to do so, I will want to leave my husband.  My husband knows I am on the fence because of my feelings for my AP and have been for a year but we are good friends and we've been trying to figure out what to do for the children's sake.  If my AP does not leave his wife, I will need to repair things with my husband. 

You mentioned this is the end of our affair - do you mean that based on what I shared, this is likely the end of our relationship?  Or just the affair portion?

[stillafool]

Probably both because you can't go to being friends when you want more.  Why are you staying with your husband if your affair partner doesn't leave his wife?   If you aren't in love with your husband don't you think he deserves to be with a woman who feels for him the way you do about your affair partner?

[bfxing]

 

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 If you aren't in love with your husband don't you think he deserves to be with a woman who feels for him the way you do about your affair partner?

I wish that for him - and maybe at some point in the future we will split regardless - but with young children it is challenging to dismantle everything.  We are good friends.  Just not in love.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, bfxing said:

  If my AP does not leave his wife, I will need to repair things with my husband. 

This may be a good pursuit for the next 5 mos. Leaving it up to chance (especially a remote chance), simply keeps you in limbo. Perhaps take this time to reflect on the viability and desirability of your marriage independent of what he decides.

[bfxing]

Thank you, @Wiseman2.  We start therapy next week.

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, bfxing said:

I think if my AP wants to leave his wife and takes steps to do so, I will want to leave my husband.  My husband knows I am on the fence. If my AP does not leave his wife, I will need to repair things with my husband. 

Well then, my first question is why are the two of you willing to leave your marriages for a person that you have met in person only once? I mean - that’s insane!! If a single person posted on this board and said - I’m going to leave my job, move across the country, and move in with another person that I’ve met in person only once - the board would go crazy. People would be saying - “STOP! Don’t do it! You don’t really know this person! It’s way too soon! Have you lost your mind - this is too much of a risk!” Right??!!

Reality is, your affair partner is not going to leave his wife and break up his family for a woman that he has met in person only once. I’m sorry to be blunt, but people don’t leave their spouse and break up their families for another person that they have never really spent any time with in person. It’s pure fantasy that you think he will agree to do that. And, the fact that you are even considering this is really concerning. 

As for your own marriage, why your husband would agree to stay around long enough for your affair partner to decide whether he wants to leave his family to be with you is beyond me… To divorce or not to divorce would not be your decision if it was me - I would have already filed. What you are doing to your husband is cruel. 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, bfxing said:

 

I wish that for him - and maybe at some point in the future we will split regardless - but with young children it is challenging to dismantle everything.  We are good friends.  Just not in love.

But if affair partner wants you it's okay to dismantle your children's lives?

[bfxing]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But if affair partner wants you it's okay to dismantle your children's lives?

I guess this makes me sound very selfish.  I'm trying to work through all of these feelings in real time - feeling like I met my soulmate and the love of my life - and wanting to be happy.  I would not go into a divorce lightly; I am a child of divorce and I understand the ramifications.  I also know that my parents are 100% happier with their new spouses than they were with each other.  It's not cut and dry, unfortunately.

[bfxing]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 I’m going to leave my job, move across the country, and move in with another person that I’ve met in person only once - the board would go crazy.  

 

 

I never actually said I would do any of that, but your point is made!

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, my first question is why are the two of you willing to leave your marriages for a person that you have met in person only once? I mean - that’s insane!! If a single person posted on this board and said - I’m going to leave my job, move across the country, and move in with another person that I’ve met in person only once - the board would go crazy. People would be saying - “STOP! Don’t do it! You don’t really know this person! It’s way too soon! Have you lost your mind - this is too much of a risk!” Right??!!

Sorry, I’m still thinking about this…

The truth of the matter is, you are willing to do this with children in tow… That, to me, is very concerning. If I was your husband, I would be very concerned about your decision making right now and my primary concern would be for the children. I would be seeking a legal opinion about divorce and custody. I don’t know what you are planning - are you thinking that you would move your children across the country and away from their father? If so, he is likely to have a different opinion. 

[bfxing]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

...move your children across the country and away from their father? 

Again, I never said this.  The most likely scenario is that we would date long-distance until our children were older.  

[BrinnM]

This has to be a wild joke. Are you telling me that your husband actually agrees to wait around until your AP whom he doesn’t even know has made a decision? It would already be bad if he waited for you, his wife, to make a decision. Unless you have some sort of a weird arrangement I cannot imagine that your husband is actually ok with that. So, in essence, you and your husband both are now in limbo due to some stranger’s decision-making process. That’s sad!

I can’t understand how you can put your life in somebody’s hands if you don’t know the person well. Or at all, really. 
How did you meet this man? And how much time did you spend together? A full day? A passionate night? 

And I can understand even less how the proud man whom you call your husband is so submissive that he would actually do this to himself. This is insane.

And if I’m guessing correctly, you guys had a passionate night, he enjoyed it, you enjoyed it and then you emailed back-and-forth a few more times and had a few passionate phone calls and that was enough for him. He doesn’t need any more from you. And you should treat it the same way - there’s no way he’s going to divorce his wife over this. And asking for a five month break, let’s be real here, that’s pretty significant. Obviously he doesn’t want to be in touch. I really don’t know what you’re expecting. Please open your eyes. 

You will not end up in a relationship with your AP. I’m sorry if this hurts; but my main question is what are you going to do about your marriage?
Given your husband’s reaction to your revelation, can you even respect him any longer? (Well I guess that Q has been answered; …. it’s more a rhetorical question) 

Or: Can he respect you? You’ve created a very shaky foundation for the rest of your marriage, I am afraid. 

Edited February 15, 2023 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, bfxing said:

I also know that my parents are 100% happier with their new spouses than they were with each other. 

Of course, people can divorce and establish independent homes and find another partner and introduce the children and eventually decide to be together… 

The reality is, this process takes a very long time and it tends to be difficult for everyone involved, even in the best of circumstances. 

Thats not really what’s happening here though. You are essentially attempting to speed through the process of divorce AND dating.

Edited February 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, bfxing said:

Again, I never said this.  The most likely scenario is that we would date long-distance until our children were older.  

How do people actually date long distance?  Isn't that what you're already doing in a sense? Does he need 5 months to decide that is what he's doing?  

[BrinnM]

7 minutes ago, bfxing said:

Again, I never said this.  The most likely scenario is that we would date long-distance until our children were older.  

Well, that would be fine, but I doubt your AP is all on board here. You could divorce your H & enter into an LD affair. That would be the most realistic scenario, provided your AP isn’t done with the affair yet.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, bfxing said:

- I also know that my parents are 100% happier with their new spouses than they were with each other.  It's not cut and dry, unfortunately.

Did your mom uproot you and move in with her affair partner while living with your Dad?

[BaileyB]

 

17 minutes ago, bfxing said:

Again, I never said this.  The most likely scenario is that we would date long-distance until our children were older.  

What’s the purpose of a long distance relationship really? I mean, who wants to date long distance for years?

Right now, he has all the comforts of marriage and family - unlikely that he is going to want to give that up to “date” a woman long distance? 

Realistically, he likely enjoyed your hookup and was pleased to chat and sext with you long distance for a while… but now, you are talking about leaving your husband and you expect him to leave his family to “date” you long distance and that has likely scared the good sense back into him which is why he has asked for a break. 

[bfxing]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Realistically, he likely enjoyed your hookup and was pleased to chat and sext with you long distance for a while… but now, you are talking about leaving your husband and you expect him to leave his family to “date” you long distance and that has likely scared the good sense back into him which is why he has asked for a break. 

We never hooked up but I get what you're saying and this is likely the most realistic scenario.  However, this hasn't been as one-sided as you make it sound.  He, too, has talked about leaving his wife for me, expressed that we are meant to be together, etc.  But maybe it's gotten too real and that's why he wants the break.  I should likely operate as if it's completely over.  My husband and I start therapy on Monday. 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, bfxing said:

He, too, has talked about leaving his wife for me, expressed that we are meant to be together, etc. 

I’m sorry, I’m sure that what I’ve posted sounds harsh but I’m obviously concerned about you and your family. You seem very wrapped up in the fantasy of this relationship. The reality is, you are considering breaking up your family for a fantasy that you have essentially created. That’s just really sad. 

If I may, marriage counselling is one thing but you would be really wise to also find an individual counsellor. 

The thing with affairs, particularly long distance affairs, is that they tend to be based in fantasy. Just as you have been caught up in the fantasy, the novelty, the excitement, the validation of this affair, he is likely experiencing the same. That said, the reality of leaving his family and breaking a commitment is a very different thing. As you are learning.

Edited February 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Blindsided2023]

4 hours ago, bfxing said:

My AP and I are both married.  It's been almost a year.  We live on opposite sides of the country and so have no had any in-person contact since the night we met and expressed interest in each other.  (It's been a lot of flirting, sexting, long phone conversations about all of our shared interests, etc.)  From that night, my feelings have been strong and he says his have, too, but he hasn't told his wife anything.  I've been open with my husband and we are working through what it means for us.  Last week, I finally confronted AP and said, "your wife doesn't know, you have no plan to tell her, and you refuse to see me in person".  He said he needed 5 months to get his life together and that he would reach out to me on a specific day.  Now I'm stuck wondering if he's going to tell his wife during this time, if they will repair things, if they will separate, etc.  Part of me feels like if he wanted to be with me, he would, but we both have young children so I also understand all of the complications.  How do I get through the next five months?  (I've blocked him on all social media.)  

I think you've seen my thread, but to reiterate my story: my AP who was married and needed time to disconnect from his wife told me that by February they would be separated and he and I could be together. The day she was to leave, he tells her everything (according to her, finding out more, he basically lied to her, but told her of the affair) and she had to be the one to basically break up with me.

Knowing what I know now, I say use the 5 months to work on things with your husband and work on your own happiness, so if he doesn't leave, you will be okay; and if he does, you'll know it's what you really want.

Just my two cents.

[NuevoYorko]

This situation is bordering on the ridiculous.

First of all, don't wait for a married person to make up their mind about how they're going to dump their spouse in order to determine how YOU are going to conduct your life.

Get things straight with yourself.   Do you want to end your marriage?  Either end it, or work on it.  Regardless of what the married AP does.

That guy ... sounds like a load of hooey to me.  But you just take care of your own side of the street.  When / if the AP decides he's not really planning to changes his entire life for a virtual stranger that he met and had sex with once (you), you will already be prepared on your own end.

[Allupinnit]

He dumped you and put you on ice, that's what a "break" is.  He's not telling his wife anything, he would have by now.  He does not want to break up his family for someone he doesn't actually know and "date" you long-distance, or even think about moving away from his kids.

Men are excellent at compartmentalizing.  He has shut the YOU drawer to open the WIFE AND KIDS drawer and focus on them.  

I feel so sad that your kids' lives are hinging on whether or not your AP feels like leaving his wife.  Because we all know how reliable feelings can be day-to-day.

 

[HappyAgain2014]

Most MM don’t leave their wives. Those that do aren’t in your situation with distance and no physical intimacy. This guy has no intention of leaving his wife. 
 
Marital status aside, how can you consider any relationship with this man when you have no idea how he’d be with your children? Have you considered how his children may react to you? When small kids are involved, you have to find a match for yourself and kids. Not so easy. 
 

Let’s assume everyone gets divorced and kids are onboard. Thus long distance relationship would have to last until the youngest child is 18. Most discarded parents won’t allow their ex to move their children across the country. 
 

This was a fantasy and the MM is using five months to let this fizzle out. He’s probably worried you’re a bunny boiler. Besides, men don’t let go of what they want. If he wanted to have a relationship with you, he’d take action. What did this one do? Slink away which is typical.