Denise B Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) Long story short I'm trapped in a tumultuous relationship. Can't sell the house until the market gets better. All the downpayment was my money. Too close to retirement to lose my life savings or go bankrupt. My common law partner is my worst nightmare. Very easily triggered and confrontational. We have highs and lows but he stresses me out to the point I fantasize about the day I can leave. He has ADD but won't discuss. It causes so much problems. He is fragile and difficult to talk to. Says I'm attacking him. Blames me all the time. He is deceitful about using porn. I'm tired of taking care of this manchild and when I leave it must be a covert operation or else he will make my life a living hell. Its like dealing with a nasty teenager. Super stressful. How will I leave and sell the house without having to deal with his abuse and harassment? I dread living here with him when we ever do sell the house. He will be just unbearable. We are both on title and he won't leave until the house is sold. Even though it's all my money in the house being lost in this down market he will tyrrade as if he has been so hard done by. Help. If anyone has an escape plan...do share please. Edited March 18, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator merged threads Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 I'm sorry you're in this situation. You mentioned in your last thread that you have a cohabitation agreement - does it cover what would happen if you break up? At this point, I'd suggest you go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 5 hours ago, Denise B said: . If anyone has an escape plan.. Sorry this is happening. Please reach out to domestic violence support organizations for tips, advice and support. In the meantime, quietly and privately start severing things. Get your own private and confidential post office box, bank accounts, burner phone, credit cards and a safety deposit box for important things. You'll need to communicate with people who can advise you so you'll need private unknown communication means. For example you'll need to speak with an attorney and you can use a burner phone and post office box for correspondence Speak with the appropriate professionals (legal, financial, realty) about your options and the best approach to severing ties and sound financial decisions. Talk to trusted friends and family. In the meantime, act like nothing is wrong and privately plan your departure. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 As bazil suggested, speak with a lawyer for some advice. You don't have to stay in the house with him while you wait to sell it. Is there anyone you can stay with for the time being? Family? Friends? Don't let him manipulate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 Unfortunately, there is no easy or straightforward solution to this situation. It will likely take some time and hard work to resolve. The first step should be to consult with a lawyer or mediator who specializes in family law. They can help you understand your legal rights and explore options for how to resolve the situation. They can also help you create a plan to ensure that you leave the house safely and without harassment from your partner. You may also want to consider seeking counseling or therapy to help you cope with the stress of the situation. A therapist can provide guidance and support to help you work through your feelings and make decisions that are best for you. Finally, if you feel that you are in immediate danger, contact the authorities. If you have been the victim of abuse, they can provide assistance and resources to help you stay safe. It is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many resources and support networks available to help you through this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 You need to seperate and stop cohabitating with him. Can you stay with a family member or a friend for a while? I'm sorry but it seems inevitable that you will take a financial hit on your house; talk to a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) On 2/8/2023 at 10:53 PM, Denise B said: . Even though it's all my money in the house being lost Please speak with the domestic violence support organizations and an attorney before you abandon the house. You may be able to get him out which may be a better solution than being homeless when you own more than half the house. Unfortunately because of the co-ownership you'll need legal advice. Edited February 10, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 This is something that only a lawyer can advise you on. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 It really comes down to what do you treasure more, your mental health or money. I would chose my mental health and take the financial loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denise B Posted February 10, 2023 Author Share Posted February 10, 2023 Yes that is what it will come down to sooner or later. It behooves me to mention he is likely depressed which is not to provide any excuse but without admitting he has an issue and getting no help, it will not get better. It's like shooting a lame horse, but I agree, I can't let him take me down completely. I can't afford to lose all my savings, but nor can I afford to lose my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 Frankly it sounds like you too are a bit depressed. Have you seen your doctor lately? I know it's hard but stop worrying about him and just take care of you until you can do better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denise B Posted March 18, 2023 Author Share Posted March 18, 2023 (edited) Hi. I have just ended a 2 year relationship that was hard on me financially. I finally decided to take my losses (about 100k total) and sell the house to get out from under an incredibly selfish man. He got very comfortable and took me for granted and refused to ever discuss problems without saying he was being attacked. It was a constant struggle for me to ask him to be a true partner. I got tired of his passive aggression and withdrawal into tv and his phone. The intimacy died completely due to the stress and tension I felt. Instead of really being a good partner he threatened to cheat basically so I ended it.. The most difficult man I ever had to endure. I couldn't just tow the line any longer. He didn't think I would walk away from all my money. But I had to. Now that it's over I feel like I have some ptsd. Some moments of crying and not sleeping. It was my decision to end things but I see the breakup has little affect on him emotionally as he is already getting ready for dating....went out and stocked up on cialis (he is 56) and we only just sold the house less than 3 weeks ago. Im the one who put the downpayment on the house and we didnt quite break even on the sale. Its a big loss for me especially because we just bougt an RV together and he expects me to just pay the loan while he walks away even though its jointly owned. So it hurts a lot to lose my life savings while he just blames me for everything and is looking for his next woman. This is devastating. We are in our 50s. I didn't expect this. He doesn't seem affected at all by my leaving. We both have an apartment but I owned a house previously. Now I barely have 30k left if I can even sell the RV. Is this just my imagination or did I just spend my life savings on someone who didn't care about me and will move on fast while I pick up the pieces and bail us both out of potential bankruptcy without any real gratitude or appreciation for it. It's just so wrong. And so very hurtful Edited March 18, 2023 by Denise B Details 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 I'm sorry this happened to you but it is a lesson learned if nothing else. You did the right thing by breaking up before $100,000 turned into a $150,000 loss. When are you moving out? Stop talking to him or expecting anything, just plan your exit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denise B Posted March 20, 2023 Author Share Posted March 20, 2023 Right. I could see the road to bankruptcy coming sooner or later. He would even throw that out in a fight that he didnt care if we went bankrupt. He knew that would scare me. In my view, he was always one foot out the door anyway now that I look back. I am trying not to look back. I moved out two weekends ago. He is still there until the house closes. I dont know how he could just start dating and having sex so soon, but we had not been intimate in several months and it really was slow erosion. Even so, now is not the time to be thinking about "getting laid". I did tell him in a text it was obvious he had no intention of trying to make it work, and that added to the downfall, and why oh why would he go ahead and get that trailer with me knowing he had every intention of leaving, maybe not right away but he knew it wasnt working. We were both unhappy. But I still think him going out on dates and getting laid is sickening behaviour seeing as I am the one left cleaning up the mess financially and emotionally now and for many months to come. I wouldn't even dream of dating. Even though it was my decision to end it when I did, I need time to process it. I just don't understand why he can't do the same. The next woman he lands on will be completely unsuspecting for what just happened. If it were me, I would like to know that the person I am dating jumped from one woman to the other after contributing and causing a devastating financial loss. Not to be my concern at the moment, but it all makes me sick. He is making me sick. I am healing now, and the first part is self reflection. I am humiliated and embarrassed that I put up with this low life for so long and put all my resources into someone who was just using me for a cushy retirement. That's all he could say, blame me for all the unhappiness and then tells me "thanks for ruining my retirement, I have nothing else to say to you, I am done". Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 He does seem to have the views and approach to life of a grifter. I think there are those in the world who "just don't care" - which can actually be appealing in some ways, but typically bites both them and any partners in the rear end sooner or later, unfortunately. He is used to this perhaps, as unlike you it's what he knows and is to a certain extent comfortable with. Hence preparing for the next person to be with probably looked to him like simply a matter of time. It's better to live and learn from folks like this in our 20's and "get that out of our system" but I suppose not everyone does. Hopefully you can get your financial house back into some semblance of order and make quite certain your next partner is both emotionally and financially stable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Denise B Posted March 20, 2023 Author Share Posted March 20, 2023 I hope I can make some recovery financially. I have 15 years or so left to work full time, and I do have a decent job. Trusting someone again will be the real challenge. Leopards don't show their spots right away, and there are things you can only really know by living with someone. I would take a different approach if there ever will be a next time. I was never much for gambling, and this is a perfect example of a bad day at the casino. lol Thank you for your support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts