My GF Doesn't Feel Warmth When I Console Her

[Cole24]

We have been dating two years and lately this has come up a couple of times. I haven't lived as much life as her, while she has been single parent for short while and formerly married for 5years. I have told her about my lack of relationship experience and I guess, a more 'sheltered' life, when we first got together. We are not living together.

She has said that it wasn't always like this. I don't know what has changed and she can't pin point it either. I asked her one time what she needs when she is going through a difficult time and she said just to listen, hold her and tell her its going to be ok. I have been doing a better job at this but sometimes I feel the need to validate how good of a person she is when shes really gets hard on herself/feels not good enough. She has said my caring feels empty to her and that 'how do you know its going be ok'. On the other hand she says that this maybe her own issues ie having parent(s) that were emotionally immature and dismissed her feelings as a kid and made it all about them. Doesn't help her dad reentered her life a few months and she tried to help him out by giving him a place to stay temporarily. He's been helpful around the house but out of the blue plays the victim card. Is giving a frame of reference bad in these situations?

She is getting help via counseling and group work.

I can not change my past, but is there anything I can do be more present or empathetic?

[basil67]

Well yes, she's right that "It's all going to be OK" is nothing more than a platitude - none of us can predict the future and it's foolish of her to ask you to say this.  And even more foolish to rebut you when you do as she asks.

Thing is, her mental health is something she needs to deal with herself with the appropriate support.  There's nothing you can say or do to help her out of this hole.  To be honest, if someone said to me that all they need is to tell them it's going to be OK and then tells you this is a load of rubbish, I'd call them on it.  "do you want me to tell you it will all be OK, or don't you?"   

A person who's got really serious issues can be abusive (by no fault of their own) and it seems like this is what's happening to you.   If you are really dedicated to her (and I seriously suggest that you reconsider this), see if her counsellor will do a few group sessions to sort this out.  But don't let her shame you for not being able to give her more than garden variety support.  That's what professionals are for

Edited February 5, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cole24 said:

She is getting help via counseling and group work.

That's excellent. Keep in mind that she needs to work on her own stuff. You're not responsible for rescuing her. You're also not responsible for being her therapist.

Be supportive sure, listen for a while, don't offer suggestions. Try not to be obsequious or offer false reassurance. Just listen for a limited time. Then suggest doing something or going somewhere to change the energy.

Keep in mind that you're dangerously close to an unhealthy and unhappy arrangement by shifting the dynamic from dating/partners to patient/therapist. Step back rather than leaning into this more 

Edited February 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

From what I can tell, she is having self-esteem issues due to past experiences.

Listening to her and offering support can be helpful, but also respect her feelings and what she tells you she needs.

Try to avoid invalidating her experiences or feelings by telling her it's going to be okay, as it may not feel true to her. Instead, focus on being there for her and offering a non-judgmental ear. Encourage her to continue seeking help through counseling and support groups.

Remember that she is the expert on her own feelings and experiences, so try to listen and support her in ways that feel meaningful to her.

It's not your job to fix her problems. 

This is not your fight.

You cannot build your girlfriend’s self-esteem. Only she can. 

Getting out of her comfort zone, challenging herself, taking risks, failing, learning, and picking herself back up is how your girlfriend will build her self-esteem. It isn't easy, and it's not something anyone can do for her. It's good you want to help your girlfriend, but you have to step back and let her fight her own battles, even if she loses.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

She sounds emotionally immature and is just discovering how silly her request was at the start telling you to tell her everything will be ok. That was her ask of you. That’s fine - we’re all a work in progress. Mention you were obliging her and just confirm you won’t be saying that again. You can be a good listener without getting emotionally entangled and feeling the need to solve someone else’s problems. 

Listen and keep your distance as it’s not your job to make her feel better. Remember to date individuals who are a little more able to self-regulate and take care of themselves.

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Cole24 said:

She has said my caring feels empty to her and that 'how do you know its going be ok'.

Ok, but did she not tell you to tell her that it’s going to be ok?

12 hours ago, Cole24 said:

I asked her one time what she needs when she is going through a difficult time and she said just to listen, hold her and tell her its going to be ok.

She can’t really fault you for doing what she told you to do.

12 hours ago, Cole24 said:

I can not change my past, but is there anything I can do be more present or empathetic?

I don’t actually think this is about you - this is about her. You don’t have to have relationship experience or struggle through life to be an empathetic and supportive person/partner. In fact, I would say that you did a pretty good job by asking the questions - “What do you need from me? What can I do to help?” That’s incredibly kind and supportive. 

As her partner, things you can do to be supportive are listen and validate her feelings without feeling the need to fix, and offering kindness and comfort. Her life is hers to manage - not yours. If she is a single parent, that is her responsibility, not yours. If she is struggling with her mental health, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. Do you see what I’m saying. You can stand beside her, hold her hand, cook her a nice dinner, help her around the house, wash her car, etc… but, be cautious if she is blaming you for the fact that she doesn’t feel good about something or she is struggling with life. There are some things that only she can do.

Edited February 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Cole24 said:

 She has said my caring feels empty to her

Although people can certainly come across differently, etc, if you're being sincere then this is likely projection.

[Lotsgoingon]

What does NOT help when people are struggling is telling them "it's going to be OK." That's what you would tell a kid. What the heck does that mean anyway? Right?

My father was near death and I told some people and they hit me with "it's going to be ok."

She TOLD you what she wants. Hug. Empathetic listening. Ask if you can rub her shoulders. 

So here's what's odd and lots of us struggle with this one when we are in your position. You are not alone. 

You do NOT have to change her mood or try to change her mood. That's a mistake right there. She's strong presumably and she'll come out of her funk most likely. But when you're critical of yourself, you feel alone and isolated and that sense of isolation can produce much of the suffering. You listening, you hugging her, touching her gently. You can share that you love her, but don't use it as a medicine. Yes, depressed people are as loved as non-depressed people. Love doesn't solve all life's problems. What's she telling is that she can't take in your love--which is common for people when they are really down.

So quit trying to cheer her up and fix her. That's not your job. Your job is to be a compassionate presence. Give her that and in time she should be able to fix herself. Now could be that she's constantly depressed and in which case, you may want to consider whether this is the partner you want. 

[Cole24]

 

59 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ok, but did she not tell you to tell her that it’s going to be ok?

She can’t really fault you for doing what she told you to do.

I don’t actually think this is about you - this is about her. You don’t have to have relationship experience or struggle through life to be an empathetic and supportive person/partner. In fact, I would say that you did a pretty good job by asking the questions - “What do you need from me? What can I do to help?” That’s incredibly kind and supportive. 

As her partner, things you can do to be supportive are listen and validate her feelings without feeling the need to fix, and offering kindness and comfort. Her life is hers to manage - not yours. If she is a single parent, that is her responsibility, not yours. If she is struggling with her mental health, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. Do you see what I’m saying. You can stand beside her, hold her hand, cook her a nice dinner, help her around the house, wash her car, etc… but, be cautious if she is blaming you for the fact that she doesn’t feel good about something or she is struggling with life. There are some things that only she can do.

Thanks for that. I see what your sating and I have done my best to just listen and sit back. I will encourage the counseling, journalling, group work. Does being supportive include loaning $? She is struggling a bit atm. She has not asked. I know I can do a better job at validating her feelings.

Is it fair to assume she feels alone in these situations despite my best efforts? She has mentioned this before. I can understand how it could feel lonely.

[basil67]

While your thoughts on loaning money come from a good place, and would help with a few bills in the short term, owing you money will ultimately add to her stress levels.  Thing is, if she can't afford to pay for the basics, she can't afford to take on a loan. 

However, do make sure that you're fully covering your own costs.  For example, if you eat at her house, make sure you contribute proportionally to her food bills.  If she's sharing costs of dating, make sure that you're choosing options which are affordable for her.  

 

[BaileyB]

Basil gives good advice. 

There are also other ways that you can help to ease her burden. For example, if you meet for coffee or go out for dinner, pay for dinner. Or, if you know that she needs something for the house (ie. house repairs), pick up the supplies and come over and help. Or, pay for a babysitter and give her some time to herself/go on a date? Buy her a gift certificate for a massage or a pedicure. There are ways that you can “loan her money” without actually loaning her money such that she needs to pay you back. Just another thought. 

[Cole24]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Basil gives good advice. 

There are also other ways that you can help to ease her burden. For example, if you meet for coffee or go out for dinner, pay for dinner. Or, if you know that she needs something for the house (ie. house repairs), pick up the supplies and come over and help. Or, pay for a babysitter and give her some time to herself/go on a date? Buy her a gift certificate for a massage or a pedicure. There are ways that you can “loan her money” without actually loaning her money such that she needs to pay you back. Just another thought. 

I also thought of maybe a cash giftcard would be ok. I really like your ideas, especially the house repairs idea, since she is converting her garage to a living space for her dad.

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What does NOT help when people are struggling is telling them "it's going to be OK." That's what you would tell a kid. What the heck does that mean anyway? Right?

My father was near death and I told some people and they hit me with "it's going to be ok."

She TOLD you what she wants. Hug. Empathetic listening. Ask if you can rub her shoulders. 

So here's what's odd and lots of us struggle with this one when we are in your position. You are not alone. 

You do NOT have to change her mood or try to change her mood. That's a mistake right there. She's strong presumably and she'll come out of her funk most likely. But when you're critical of yourself, you feel alone and isolated and that sense of isolation can produce much of the suffering. You listening, you hugging her, touching her gently. You can share that you love her, but don't use it as a medicine. Yes, depressed people are as loved as non-depressed people. Love doesn't solve all life's problems. What's she telling is that she can't take in your love--which is common for people when they are really down.

So quit trying to cheer her up and fix her. That's not your job. Your job is to be a compassionate presence. Give her that and in time she should be able to fix herself. Now could be that she's constantly depressed and in which case, you may want to consider whether this is the partner you want. 

When I say that my intention isn't to change her mood its just to remind her im here for her and i care, even though me doing those other things shows it. Thanks for the background. I think you are right with the inner critic as she has said that she doesn't feel good enough at times and judged by others.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Cole24 said:

I also thought of maybe a cash giftcard would be ok.

It's great to be a supportive partner, but do not give her money. Be fair, pick up the tab and groceries once in a while if you are staying or eating there or the occasional gift for her or her child.

Her child's father is responsible for child support. She can also ask for rental income from her father. If she's struggling she can contact social services for help with housing costs, food stamps and other resources if she qualifies due to low income. She can also do this on the father's behalf if he is in financial need.

Please don't give her a handout. She didn't ask for that. Please try to refrain from rescuer mode.  Please don't try to buy affection. Simply stick with what she has suggested as far as being supportive and helpful.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great to be a supportive partner, but do not give her money.

I agree. Do nice things for her like buying the groceries (particularly if you are eating there), helping around the house, take her out of give her a nice gift every now and again - but don’t give her money. It’s just going to make things weird in your relationship.