Toxic Family Dynamic

[Lewis321]

Not really after any advice just curious on people's thoughts please. 

I am the middle child of three, I have a older sister who sadly passed away when we were children, she had multiple disabilities she couldn't walk, talk etc. I have a younger brother who has a rare skin condition and was constantly in hospital a few years back, he is now 23 and still lives with our parents and is very much 'mothered' having almost everything done for him. 

I am 33, live and support myself fortunately I am perfectly healthy. 

I lost contact with my brother and parents for almost 10 years due to poor decisions on my part, we have been reconciled since 2020.

My mother and brother are brilliant, my issue is my dad, when we were kids we were so close but now his actions make it clear I am not as loved or appreciated as my brother or even my own children for that matter. 

Not long after we reconciled he would start making snide remarks and critising my appearance calling me gay and a puff purely because I dress well and he doesn't. He constantly over praises my brothers achievements but never acknowledges mine, we are both successful in our chosen fields. 

Whenever I go to visit I am the last to be greeted or acknowledged its like I don't even exist. 

Both my parents and brother are diagnosed with depression and my dad suffers from anxiety so it very much feels like he sees me as a threat. 

I am not in any way jealous or am not seeking his attention or approval, I just find it unusual and it's getting to a point where it is becoming awkward visiting. 

[glows]

I’m very sorry to hear this. Are you not comfortable telling him his homophobic comments are not welcome? People generally nitpick, harass and put others down when they are not comfortable with themselves. It’s a defensive mechanism for insecurity and low self-worth. I hope you realize that your father’s behaviour about your dress or style has more to do with him than you. 

Don’t let him dull your shine. Be fabulously you. If he wants to ignore you let him be. Be polite as it’s their house you’re visiting and spend more time with your brother and mother.

[Lewis321]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m very sorry to hear this. Are you not comfortable telling him his homophobic comments are not welcome? People generally nitpick, harass and put others down when they are not comfortable with themselves. It’s a defensive mechanism for insecurity and low self-worth. I hope you realize that your father’s behaviour about your dress or style has more to do with him than you. 

Don’t let him dull your shine. Be fabulously you. If he wants to ignore you let him be. Be polite as it’s their house you’re visiting and spend more time with your brother and mother.

Thank you. Ye I realise I have had ex partners put me down similarly too, they were also insecure. 

I shut the homophobic comments down pretty soon but this turned into arguments which became more awkward because I was in their house. 

[JTSW]

On 1/29/2023 at 5:52 PM, Lewis321 said:

I lost contact with my brother and parents for almost 10 years due to poor decisions on my part

What were the reasons you lost contact?

Your dad clearly has some sort of resentment for you but you haven't stated why.

[Lewis321]

33 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What were the reasons you lost contact?

Your dad clearly has some sort of resentment for you but you haven't stated why.

My ex partner alienated me from them, lies, false allegations etc which I stupidly believed so sided with her. 

I apologised and took responsibility for.

[justwhoiam]

My thoughts.

Your ex might have lied or maybe there was some truth in her words. Regardless, you shouldn't have cut ties with your brother who was then only 13. You are very lucky you could resume talking, visiting and being a family again. Sometimes that's not possible, because people remain resentful their whole life. So that's good news.

Regarding your father, start remembering about him a bit more. Not just visiting, but a call now and then asking hey, how's it going? Everything ok? Remember to buy him something on father's day, and for his bday. Start from the small things. Yeah, you can let him be. But as you said, he's had decades devoted to family issues, worrying about others, you're healthy, he lost a son, and he suffers from depression. If you can, do your part as his son. He might start seeing you with different eyes. Fortunately, you're still in time for that.