Frustrated about limited time spent together

[Holly566]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Are you sure he's actually visiting his mom and not another girlfriend or wife?  

I mean actual proof NOT just what he's telling you.  

Like have you talked to his mom while he's visiting?  

This entire situation screams "wrong" to me, he's hiding something.

I mean every single weekend?  

Something is not jiving. 

I hope I'm wrong.

I’ve met his mother once and she definitely wouldn’t be capable of going to the shops herself, she can’t drive anymore for starters and she’s always texting him in the day. I suppose he could be pretending it’s her but I doubt it. Obviously if this was the case that he’s off with someone else then I would show him the door, but this defo seems legit.

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

I don’t think I can really live with him adding to his busy schedule with additional jobs he doesn’t need. Hes already got 2 which are perfectly well paid, above average jobs. I don’t understand his job habits and why he doesn’t think to organise things with me before looking into jobs or other things to fill his time. I mean imagine if we got married and have kids, his mum may still need care, he’ll be off travelling with his current work (as mentioned above he travels weeks at a time with work), and I’ll just be left here with no help. I know some wives and girlfriends have that but usually they already know the nature of their job (e.g. police, pilot etc.) but he doesn’t have one of those jobs. 
 

Seeing as I’ve spoken to him and he’s clearly not listening, I can’t live with someone who doesn’t listen to me. He can explain himself but then if he carries on searching for jobs in front of me then that’s disrespectful, he’s basically asking for a break up then.

and yes that’s very true. I felt the other day like I was taking enough time for myself because I was constantly wondering where he was or when the next time we’d do something together would be and it was taking up time where I could’ve been focusing on myself.

Its tough because a relationship is possible here, it’s just down to how he’s actually dealing with the situations he’s in. If you don’t have time for another job then tough, you have to think about your gf at some point or don’t have one, it should be that simple.

It is actually a very good point made by @glowsthat individuals who are unsettled or feel inadequate tend to overcompensate by compensating differently. His motivation for wanting to take on so many jobs is caused by something going on in his head. Does he provide financial assistance to his mother? 

[Holly566]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It is actually a very good point made by @glowsthat individuals who are unsettled or feel inadequate tend to overcompensate by compensating differently. His motivation for wanting to take on so many jobs is caused by something going on in his head. Does he provide financial assistance to his mother? 

Well I’ve always thought it’s because he loves shopping and spending money and just wants to feed that habit. He loves buying clothes and unhealthy snacks and drinks. I asked him if he felt depressed or anything but he said no not at all, he just likes the feeling of buying something new. 

I’m not aware that he’s supporting his mom financially, she does have her own income coming through now but doesn’t work anymore. If he is then he could at least cut his spending habits out and live within his means, not get other jobs. 

He also doesn’t need his current flat because he’s always away for work or with his mom, so he’s basically paying for an empty flat. But again, getting more jobs worsens that. I don’t understand his way of thinking, I doubt any of you do either 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Well I’ve always thought it’s because he loves shopping and spending money and just wants to feed that habit. He loves buying clothes and unhealthy snacks and drinks. I asked him if he felt depressed or anything but he said no not at all, he just likes the feeling of buying something new. 

I’m not aware that he’s supporting his mom financially, she does have her own income coming through now but doesn’t work anymore. If he is then he could at least cut his spending habits out and live within his means, not get other jobs. 

He also doesn’t need his current flat because he’s always away for work or with his mom, so he’s basically paying for an empty flat. But again, getting more jobs worsens that. I don’t understand his way of thinking, I doubt any of you do either 

Yes, it is true that we do not understand the way in which he thinks. He is the only one who knows. It is impossible to understand a person's way of thinking without direct communication or interaction. I hear that your boyfriend enjoys shopping and buying new things. It might be a way for him to cope with his emotions. Perhaps he finds watching his mother struggle difficult and no one else in the family is helping, so it's all on him.

 

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, it is true that we do not understand the way in which he thinks. He is the only one who knows. It is impossible to understand a person's way of thinking without direct communication or interaction. I hear that your boyfriend enjoys shopping and buying new things. It might be a way for him to cope with his emotions. Perhaps he finds watching his mother struggle difficult and no one else in the family is helping, so it's all on him.

 

Potentially yes but doesn’t spending time with a partner who apparently makes you happy also mean an escape from those sorts of emotions? Rather than replacing them with other things. Sometimes he drags me shopping when I don’t enjoy it.

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Potentially yes but doesn’t spending time with a partner who apparently makes you happy also mean an escape from those sorts of emotions? Rather than replacing them with other things. Sometimes he drags me shopping when I don’t enjoy it.

Yes, that's right.

His distance may be due to the fact that he no longer cares. It might not feel like he misses you at the moment, but you can be sure that once you leave, he will miss you more than you can imagine.

It goes without saying that you have separate lives outside of the one you share with each other.

Nothing says you have to drop everything to spend time with each other.

Having a busy schedule is a good sign if he is actually working on something. On the other hand, if being with you is the last thing he wants to do and he finds it boring, it is a sign that he probably does not want to be with you anymore. 

The best way to end the relationship is to treat the person fairly rather than treating them poorly.

Don't be afraid to leave him if he's doing that. Later on, he will miss you, but that's his problem.

 

Edited January 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

On 1/28/2023 at 8:40 PM, Holly566 said:

He’s got to go to visit her every weekend so he’s there both Saturday and Sunday

This doesn't sit right with me. If it's only an hour away he could come back and spend the evenings with you.

On 1/28/2023 at 8:40 PM, Holly566 said:

He often travels with his main job too, weeks at a time, sometimes these trips aren’t essential but he goes anyway,

This screams big giant red flags to me. I doesn't have to go but does anyway. 

On 1/28/2023 at 10:29 PM, Holly566 said:

he’s never asked me to go with him. I guess. I’ve only met her once and she didn’t seem to be that interested in me

Only met her once in over a year?

On 1/28/2023 at 10:53 PM, Holly566 said:

ive just asked him and he said cos there’s no space for me to sleep seeing as it’s 2 days 

Has he ever heard of hotels? There is no reason you couldn't go with him.

I'm sorry OP, you are not the only woman in his life and he is not spending every weekend with his mother.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Potentially yes but doesn’t spending time with a partner who apparently makes you happy also mean an escape from those sorts of emotions? 

Eventually you'll have to reflect if it's better to cut your losses. You're incompatible on so many levels from communication to time spent together to finances to family and so on.

He doesn't want to change. The mother is not the issue and you should not accompany him. That is not an appropriate way to spend time together.. The issue is you're unhappy because he doesn't want to spend time with you. 

Trying to manage his jobs, budget and family life won't work. It's simply not the right man or situation for you. 

[Holly566]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This doesn't sit right with me. If it's only an hour away he could come back and spend the evenings with you.

This screams big giant red flags to me. I doesn't have to go but does anyway. 

Only met her once in over a year?

Has he ever heard of hotels? There is no reason you couldn't go with him.

I'm sorry OP, you are not the only woman in his life and he is not spending every weekend with his mother.

Well yeah he can, but his mom wants him there with her for longer. So he’s trying to please her clearly.

He seems to enjoy it when he’s there and he can meet his other work mates, that’s why he goes. I basically cried on the floor to stop him going over Valentine’s week. So yeah suppose that’s bad on his part.

Yeah I’ve only met her once, no idea why it’s not more often.

I couldn’t afford a hotel in the city all the time.

Hm I can see why you guys think there’s another woman but the situation does make sense. He’s basically got his mother fighting for his time and me fighting for his time and he’s trying to meet us in the middle, but my problem is is that I feel his mom gets more advantage.

[Holly566]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Eventually you'll have to reflect if it's better to cut your losses. You're incompatible on so many levels from communication to time spent together to finances to family and so on.

He doesn't want to change. The mother is not the issue and you should not accompany him. That is not an appropriate way to spend time together.. The issue is you're unhappy because he doesn't want to spend time with you. 

Trying to manage his jobs, budget and family life won't work. It's simply not the right man or situation for you. 

Oh yeah I think you said that in a previous post. 
No of course she’s not, it can’t be helped or even if it could I doubt he’d change. 

and yeah I suppose we aren’t compatible with that stuff, imagine if we were married. Tbf, the problem may be in that he’s actually 6 years older than me- probably should’ve said that earlier on. Could be because I’m in a stage where I don’t have to worry too much about things he does 

[JTSW]

24 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Well yeah he can, but his mom wants him there with her for longer. So he’s trying to please her clearly.

He seems to enjoy it when he’s there and he can meet his other work mates, that’s why he goes. I basically cried on the floor to stop him going over Valentine’s week. So yeah suppose that’s bad on his part.

Yeah I’ve only met her once, no idea why it’s not more often.

I couldn’t afford a hotel in the city all the time.

Hm I can see why you guys think there’s another woman but the situation does make sense. He’s basically got his mother fighting for his time and me fighting for his time and he’s trying to meet us in the middle, but my problem is is that I feel his mom gets more advantage.

Yeah but he's taking trips when he doesn't have to and he could pay for a hotel for you both every couple of weeks (doesn't have to be every weekend).

They are not that expensive.

He has many opportunities to spend time with you but doesn't. 

How do you know his mother is fighting for his time? Just by what he tells you?

This really doesn't sit right with me OP.

 

[Holly566]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Yeah but he's taking trips when he doesn't have to and he could pay for a hotel for you both every couple of weeks (doesn't have to be every weekend).

They are not that expensive.

He has many opportunities to spend time with you but doesn't. 

How do you know his mother is fighting for his time? Just by what he tells you?

This really doesn't sit right with me OP.

 

Ok so should I accuse him of cheating and see his reaction? Idk

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Holly566 said:

Ok so should I accuse him of cheating and see his reaction? Idk

Please don't bother doing that. Stop and reflect if you are happy. You're not. That's because of incompatibility, not because of his mother. He simply doesn't want what you want. 

Unfortunately it's your responsibility to find happiness in your life. It's not your responsibility to micromanage his jobs, mother or spending habits. You're not happy, so listen to your feelings.

[FMW]

No.  Do not accuse him of cheating. 

You want and need more from him and it seems he's not willing or able (for whatever reason) to give it to you.  Unfortunately the reasonable response is to end the relationship, without accusations or pleading.  He's made his decision on how he's going to spend his time.  You now can decide that it doesn't work for you and you're moving on.  

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Holly566 said:

Ok so should I accuse him of cheating and see his reaction? Idk

No, don't accuse him without any proof.

You need to tell him straight that you feel his making excuses not to spend time with you and if he doesn't then the relationship wont work.

He's not putting in any effort in my opinion. 

He seems to be creating things to do rather than spend time with you.

His actions are very sketchy to me.

[Alpacalia]

I would go with my ex whenever we were together, he would always make plans for us to do things together or other times whether it was a football game or something else I would go. Sometimes I would drag him with me clothes shopping, and he would go with me.

Although I did not particularly enjoy certain things, I did them because I was in love with him.

My feeling is that your boyfriend has checked out emotionally.

This is hurtful for you to hear, but it is necessary.

Edited January 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Holly566]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would go with my ex whenever we were together, he would always make plans for us to do things together or other times whether it was a football game or something else I would go. Sometimes I would drag him with me clothes shopping, and he would go with me.

Although I did not particularly enjoy certain things, I did them because I was in love with him.

My feeling is that your boyfriend has checked out emotionally.

This is hurtful for you to hear, but it is necessary.

So why is he keeping me around? Why doesn’t he dump me or tell me the truth. Does he just want the feeling of having a gf without having to commit much? 

[Alpacalia]

39 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

So why is he keeping me around? Why doesn’t he dump me or tell me the truth. Does he just want the feeling of having a gf without having to commit much? 

No idea.

My one certainty is that if you try to decipher, interpret, or "figure out" his behavior, you lose touch with the present moment, neglect your feelings, and instead go into a place of speculation, confusion, and frustration that will leave you exhausted.

Trying to figure out “what he is thinking?” requires him to tell you. Answers to “how much is too much?” or “what is the point?” will never really come from the other person. 

Even if he begins to be attentive and direct, it's still your responsibility to determine and communicate your needs and requirements.

We all have good and bad sides, and what you see with him is only a slice of life in time. Knowing why he chooses to do what he does creates no obligation to misdirect or mistreat you.

Stand tall, trust yourself, forgive in time and move on with or without that person in your life.

[poppyfields]

I'm curious why you neglected to address my question in my previous post?

That alone speaks volumes but anyway, you're the "weekday" girlfriend is my take. 

No caring parent needs her child to give up every single weekend for 1+ year to drive long distance to care for her, that's a completely unrealistic and unlikely scenario. 

And if he did, he'd be calling you from mom's, having you speak with her (I would think SHE would want that as well), including you at least virtually in his "other" world with mom on the weekends.

Not completely shutting you out on the weekends as he's doing. As well as when he travels for "business."

Holly, this is speaking loudly to me he's hiding something.

But If you believe it's true and that's enough for you, carry on.  

But the harsh truth will eventually show its face; some people have to learn the hard way.  

All the best. 

Edited January 30, 2023 by poppyfields

[Holly566]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious why you neglected to address my question in my previous post?

That alone speaks volumes but anyway, you're the "weekday" girlfriend is my take. 

No caring parent needs her child to give up every single weekend for 1+ year to drive long distance to care for her, that's a completely unrealistic and unlikely scenario. 

And if he did, he'd be calling you from mom's, having you speak with her (I would think SHE would want that as well), including you at least virtually in his "other" world with mom on the weekends.

Not completely shutting you out on the weekends as he's doing. As well as when he travels for "business."

Holly, this is speaking loudly to me he's hiding something.

But If you believe it's true and that's enough for you, carry on.  

But the harsh truth will eventually show its face; some people have to learn the hard way.  

All the best. 

Well I know it sounds unrealistic but it is happening. He doesn’t shut me off when he goes away, he does call, text and FaceTime etc. So you’re basically saying she’s being unreasonable to him? I’d agree tbh. This is why it makes me annoyed. Yeah you’re right about it’s weird his mother doesn’t speak to me too. That seems weird to me too now that you’ve said it.

 

it’s just clearly an issue that the family aren’t close and no one else will help her out, if he had siblings this would be different. 
 

I get why people think he’s hiding something and I’m sure I’ll find out one way or another but you can’t just assume that straight away. What if this was all true and I dump him for no reason? 

[poppyfields]

Why not suggest having a video date on a Saturday night after things with mom settle down, say after 9:00 pm, complete with wine, music, food etc..?

That's not an unreasonable request for an exclusive girlfriend to ask her boyfriend, is it? 

Ya gotta get creative.  

Gauge HIS response.

If you've already done that and you do have such virtual dates after mom goes down for the night, then I might have a different opinion. 

However, it IS still possible he cares for mom AND has a weekend girlfriend who has met his mom, which would explain why there's been no effort made for you to speak with her.  Or meet her. 

Does she at least know you exist?

Edited January 30, 2023 by poppyfields

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Why not suggest having a video date on a Saturday night after things with mom settle down, say after 9:00 pm, complete with wine, music, food etc.?

That's not an unreasonable request for an exclusive girlfriend to ask her boyfriend, is it? 

Ya gotta get creative.  

Gauge HIS response.

If you've already done that and you do have such virtual dates after mom goes down for the night, then I might have a different opinion. 

However, it IS still possible he cares for mom AND has a weekend girlfriend who has met his mom, which would explain why there's been no effort made for you to speak with her. 

Does she at least know you exist?

Ok, I can try that and see what he says. If he makes an excuse then I will start to get suspicious.
 

That’s true. Yes she does know I exist. She is shy though and didn’t really ask anything about me. We went to his graduation together and she did interact with me but not loads. But he told me she’s shy.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Yes she does know I exist. She is shy though and didn’t really ask anything about me. We went to his graduation together and she did interact with me but not loads. But he told me she’s shy.

Ok that sounds like a load of BS, sorry. 

So she knows you exist, I meant does she know you exist as his girlfriend?

Did he introduce you to her as his girlfriend?

The more that comes out, the more I think he's hiding something. 

EDIT:  The way you spoke about him needing to care for her every single Saturday and Sunday made it seem like she was some sort of invalid.  Or close to being one.

Since she was well enough to attend his graduation, it does not appear that's the case.

Edited January 30, 2023 by poppyfields

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Ok that sounds like a load of BS, sorry. 

So she knows you exist, I meant does she know you exist as his girlfriend?

Did he introduce you to her as his girlfriend?

The more that comes out, the more I think he's hiding something. 

His friends know I’m his girlfriend, 100%. I wasn’t there when he told his mom I was his gf but I’m assuming that’s what she thought and that’s what he told her

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, Holly566 said:

His friends know I’m his girlfriend, 100%. I wasn’t there when he told his mom I was his gf but I’m assuming that’s what she thought and that’s what he told her

She gave me a Christmas card this year