Gf broke it off, can't stand it, broke NC, going insane

October 28, 2005

Hey everyone,

A little background story on us, or what was us.

I am 23 and she is 25. Met her through mutual friends, since I just came to the USA, I did not know a lot of people, and tend to just stay and hang out with my little group of friends. We started hanging out, and one day, hooked up. It was great, we were both young, I was her first, and she was my third.

I loved getting that puppy love back again, loved her, but didnt want to get too serious too fast. We were great like this for about 1-1yrs1/2. I then decided to ask her to move in with me, and then all hell starts to break loose. Too young, too fast? Maybe, most probably. Also the fact that we were hanging out with the same people all the time did not help. I started loosing my identity and so did she. We started being more and more dependent off each other. When the times were great, they were awesome; however, when we were fighting, I wanted to kill myself. The fighting became incessent at the end (sept 05). She eventually moved out with one of her friend, telling me at first that she still wants to be with me. So we try out, for a month, and then same problems arise: she wants to experience on her own, she doesn't know who she is anymore.

She still says she loves me, and still wants to be friends with me, but not more. I tried to ignore her, changed phone number and all that, but after 1 week, I broke down today. I couldnt stand it anymore, since for me even though we were fighting, I still love her, and still want to be with her. I called her up and told her all that, and all she could come up with is :"im sorry it upsets you, im sorry youre sad".

she says that she is doing this because its the best thing for her, and that our relationship was consuming her too much. she says she felt trapped and guilty at all time, and she even told me she does not have the heart to fight for us anymore.

im not saying im a saint, we both did wrong things, said the wrong stuff, but after almost 3 yrs being together, almost living together for the entire time(she was mostly staying at my place from the get go), how can someone just turn like that? how can she be so cold and distant, and not even consider us possibly getting back together. I know this is ridiculous from me to even think about it, since she dumped me, and that I should move on, but I don't understand and Im going insane over this. All the usual stuff, cant eat, sleep, study, work.

October 28, 2005

Painful I know. You have to give yourself time. You have to think of whats best for you. She has been honest it seems. You seem to have been first serious bf? She, and you literally 'fell' in love, you have now hit the ground and it hurts like hell. Believe me time and distance can really get your head straight, believe in yourself, she dumped, be strong.

October 28, 2005

thanks, i know. im really trying to be strong, but today, for some reason in my subconscious, i couldnt stand it anymore.

we were always honest to each other, which was great, and now i just feel like were hiding. i dont know maybe unconscioulsly, i still think that were together, and that were just not living/seeing each other as much. by reading all the posts on the board i see that all dumpees male and female are in the same situation, trying to cope with it by being strong.

i was her first serious bf too, yes, and we had that naive love going on, just exploring everything together, and being together all the time, travelling together, discovering our stuff together.

October 28, 2005

Don't beat yourself up over slipping, its only human. Forgive yourself. Try to concentrate on where you go from here. I am sure you are a worthwhile person, we are all entitled to be 'wobbly' at times, I have 'wobbled' many times over many different things, sometimes its hard to get it all in perspective, to really see where you are, don't blame her and definately don't blame yourself.

Good luck.

October 28, 2005

Pat, I am going through the EXACT same thing. Everything you posted sounds like my relationship with my ex. Right down to losing your own identity. She is trying to "find herself" as well. After we broke up we spoke to each other and saw each other for a month or so. We still fought. Jealousy and insecurities just come up when you talk about what your both up to so you can't even talk about anything. We decided on a 1 month NC rule. I have broken it almost once a week. I have tried keeping busy, but it just seems like the minutes.. not even the hours drag by at times. Sound familiar? One thing that has worked for me whether it's unhealthy or not is to shift your focus. If it's another woman, so be it. Try not to spend too much time alone. Hang out at coffee shops to study.. play sports.. anything. Anytime I've felt like calling my ex up (like right now) I spend reading this site.. it helps to know that you are not alone.

October 28, 2005

It does help to read this site...very much so.

I've wanted to see and talk to my ex SO MUCH..but then i come on here..and i just read other people's stories and I stop focusing so much on what I've lost. ..it helps a little...but still..I think of him ALL THE TIME. And it is hard.

Just try to stay strong..

it takes time..

I know it's scarey..

October 28, 2005

Thanks guys,

Yeah, I broke down yesterday, but a good inght sleep just helps. The way I know her, she probably was thinking that for a long long time and just did not have the courage to do it. In her own words, "she just thought about what I would do or what I would think".

By reading all the post, it does help me understand, preparing myself for the next one, and not repeat the same mistakes I guess. No matter what I'll do, it won't be enough and will never erase all the problems that we had.

thanks again!

October 30, 2005

at a time, just one day at a time and definately take the time to make yourself better!

October 31, 2005

today was very bad. she is just messing with my head. i am helpless, and she is moving on just fine. she is not even sad, and has already her eyes set on a new guy. our friends became her friends. everyone just let me go, making me the bad guy and wont even talk to me anymore.

i am left without anyone, and everyone is just fine and doing great. i know that things are over with the ex, but i cant even believe that she would do this and that the people that ive considered my friends are just choosing her over me.

i have this urge to call her and tell her how much of a cold heartless btch she is, but i cant and i wont.

to me she was everything. i am in the US by myself, without family, and now friends. those common friends were everything. and now i have nothing, i feel like dying.

October 31, 2005

i am unfortunately in the same situation dude without the anger bit

i feel completely gutted, lost and looking for a purpose to live, she is probably getting on just fine

i'm listening to all the same music that she loved that I had

my mum said I should call her next week but this is against all the advice about NC on here

we too have a lot of mutual friends, i can't visit 1/2 of the venues i used to visit now, my mum said i should still go and say hello to her but this is too hard

i feel like dying too while looking otherwise at why I shouldn't die, 2 weeks ago i didn't want to die, I wanted to work hard, have kids and marry this beautiful girl, i don't want to meet another girl either

October 31, 2005

like what are we supposed to do? I am trying my best to go out and stuff and do the whole dating thing again. But I can't. Knowing that the people that I relied on and thought I was friends with can betray my like that, it's a killer.

I really dont know what to do. I know that she is talking trash behind my back, which does not help either, I wish this would stop. I want to get on wth my life, and already forget about this girl, since she obviously forgot about me already.

i know that rambling on thoughts like this wont get me anywhere but i just needed to vent

October 31, 2005

Ive been going through the same things as you have. my boyriend broke up with me after 4 and a half years and i was a mess! I didnt eat, didnt sleep, i was miserable and lost all direction in my life! We had the same friends like you and your ex did and the same thing strated happened with us - all our friends seemed to become my friends and he was being left on his own, but thats not the way i wanted it and over time we have all become friends again! If your old friends feel the need to choose between you and your ex then they arnt friends worth having.

I know people say it all the time but keep busy, occupy your mind so that you dont think of her. I know its hard, trust me i do, but go out, meet new people and in time the pain will lessen.

October 31, 2005

I know you said that shes fine and is over it but maybe shes not and its just her way of dealing with it. I thought that my ex was fine and was over me within a week. but when i asked him he said he wasnt over me (even though it was his decision to break up) but he was just trying to deal with it all and didnt want people to see how upset he was - maybe its the same for your ex?!

October 31, 2005

if she is talking bad of you for no reason then at least you can know you are better off without her (someday! )

my ex isn't talking bad of me which nearly makes it worse, she is a lovely girl and didn't even talk bad of her ex of 9 years who did some bad things to her but hes fairly ok as a person

don't pressure yourself into meeting new girls, i hate this kind of advice, just do anything , i'm sitting in all day drinking but its still doing something, i'm not going to pretend to have a new girlfriend and date lots of women, i'm 31 and sick of all that!

October 31, 2005

thanks guys,

she is fine, i actually saw her at a bar that we used to hang out with all the time, and she was there with friends and her new friends. she was laughing, and looked just plain happy, something that I havent seen her be in a long time now. i cant help but thinking where my life has gone because of this relationship, when love is supposed to be nice and caring, not destructive.

i know she is not good for me anymore, and its probably her way of dealing with this, but its just plain hard.

thanks again guys for the kind words!

October 31, 2005

heard from one of the common friends, that in my "friend"'s own word:

"she is not sad b/c she realized that the relationship was destroying everything and it was not good for her anymore. she needs to do what's best for her, and you're not what's best. she is going out, enjoying life, and she is talking to this guy. she does not want to see you because it would make things harder, and she does not want to talk to you either, because there is no point"

thinking about it is one thing, hearing the cold hard truth is like if my world just came down, flushed down the toilets, and i have nothing to hold on anymore.

im here contemplating my phone, trying not to call her and beg her again, but its so hard.

November 1, 2005

Ok I feel some truths and possibly harsh advice is needed.

You were together a reasonably long time, too long for her to be over you I feel. But you need to do some serious growing up, and commit to this girl if you want her back, no games no head f**king.

The basis of all solid relationships is friendship, so concentrate on being friends with her. Be happy too when you see her, listen to her and support her. Yes it will probably make you feel like hell after you see her, especially if she is flirting with or seeing other guys, but you have to be strong.. either do this, or move on, but i dont think you've lost all hope yet, and this way at least you can be sure.

But I am going through a similar situation to you, my ex loved me, she just thought I was bad for her. Now I need to prove to her that I'm not the stress and pain in her life, that I can be supportive and caring... actions speak louder than words.

Back off... relax.. take a deep breath... don't contact her for at least a month, work on yourself. Then ask her if she'd like a casual meeting for an hour (coffee or something) and be happy and enjoy each other's company...

One day at a time, patience is the essential ingredient to reconsiling lost love.

At this time, any pressure you put on her is a big push in the wrong direction... you need to be relaxed and supportive, show her what you can be like... again actions speak louder than words.

Show her and be the person she fell in love with.. you did it once, you can do it again..

P.S oh and incase you're wondering where this advice came from.. my old mum, who has been happily married for 50 years... her and my father split for over a year when they were in their 20s but got back together... she has some very good advice!

November 1, 2005

you know what, i felt like crap today because of that stupid person I called friend, but your words and your story is basically mine. It feels like ****, but hey, even though I still love her and all, I could never take her back, even if she wanted it again. I dont know if I could trust her again.

I was thinking of writing her a letter, just like you chocolate, basically trying to tell her that she just needs to stop being angry at me, and that she needs to remember me as a friend, one that has always been there, and one that will always be there.

Knowing her, I know that even when she'll want to call me, she wont. Im the wuss on that, but going 1 week NC so far, broke it right after, but does it still counts? Anyways, maybe the friend's message was actually from her, and that she is having the time of her life now. Just like you chocolate, we used to do like the couple stuff, not too much of the bar scene, or the clib scene, but more of nice romantic dinners. But what do I expect really out of all this venting? Her being there as a friend just I would be.

November 1, 2005

Thing is I have done a lot of maturing and growing up in the last 6 weeks that I've been apart from my ex-gf. I think it's all about the stages you go through, disbelief, denial, anger and then acceptance.

I have accepted we are not together now, but I accept that I treated her badly too, and in hindsight, if she had treated me the way i treated her, i wouldn't have put up with it either.

My mistake was not being emotionally available to her at first, I kept her at arms length emotionally..

Now I have changed my mind again, I have learnt from my mistakes, and maybe I would like another chance with my ex... we are seeing each other very casually (just met up a couple of times for short meetings), we haven't kissed, I haven't asked her back, we're just enjoying each others company once a week at the moment...

It's not much, but its something.

I think to get someone back you have to look at their perspective.. see why she left you, accept it, and make changes to youself so it won't happen again. You can't assure them of this first, let go of them slightly, take a step back.. so they don't feel pressured or scared to let you back into their life.

I hurt my ex very badly too.. i was the first guy that did... yes she broke up with me in the end, but i was too pig-headed to see what i was doing wrong.

We have only been apart just over a month but it feels like an eternity. Since then she has emailed me and asked to meet me (good sign), I have listened to her, paid attention to her, been happy around her... basically trying to be the guy she met a year ago when we first started dating.

It may not work, but if we decide we want each other back, its our best shot i think.

November 1, 2005

it's only been a week, but man oh man, have i put things into perspective. I went through the same exact thing that you went through chocolate, i was too blinsighted by my own intentions (getting her back), and it resulted in her backing away some more.

Last tuesday, when she broke out the news, she left my place saying i love you, and kissed me. I was stupid enough not to give her any space, and call her the next day, and now she is ignoring me. Just like you said, no one would want some scary sobbing phone conversation. And the whole time I was still blind by my own intentions, and I wasnt listening to her, and she kept saying it "you're not understanding me, i need to do this for my own good, i cant keep going like this". She too felt pressured, from me trying to get her back, not respecting her decision, and plain anger results from all of this. Oh yeah, I forgot the whole trying to control, make guilty thing. I know I shouldn't have called her at first, stupid to beg and beg, since it really does not go anywhere.

as for you and your girl, keep up the good work man, and I hope that whatever the outcome may be, you will be satisfied and content with the result of your long efforts!

November 1, 2005

Yeah bud, we have both made mistakes, but we're human beings with emotions not robots. Just do what I did, back off for a few weeks, it does make you feel so much better. Then she may be (as my ex is) feeling better and in a position to talk. She wanted to meet me because (in her words):

"i feel after a few weeks has past, if you're feeling better and i am, it would be good to meet. you understand we couldn't til now because we'd have got all silly and upset again, and that would get us nowhere".

So we have met and not even discussed the relationship, we've just had a nice conversation about life and enjoyed seeing each other, and she looked even more beautiful than the day i met her when we met, but if we are to get back together, it needs to be the real deal, no more dicking around playing games, i'm there for her 100% if she can be for me.

It's too early to tell yet, we need to get used to being in each others company and enjoying our rare meetings together first. Think what its like when you initially attract someone, time is rare, and you have a few secrets (which is what you have been doing over the weeks you have been apart). Try it..

Don't contact her for 3/4 weeks, then send her a nice upbeat email or call, nothing heavy, just a pleasent nice message and ask her if she'd like to hook up for a coffee on saturday or something. Don't try and ask her out on a big date cos that's a push, a few light lunches or coffees are great, and limit them to no more than an hour, keep the conversation upbeat, and about her.. ask her things, be interested.. she'll enjoy it, and leave on a high note... at the end she'll feel good and maybe realise she didn't learn anything about what you have been up to (mystery = good).

Be supportive and show her what a nice guy you are and if she brings up the relationship, accept your mistakes like a man "yes you are right i treated you awfully that weekend"...

We're going through this together dude, but it's our best chance. If these girls do love us... it might just be enough.

Good luck to you too.

November 1, 2005

I dont know what to do guys. I miss her like crazy, and I am so tempted to drop a line like "for my birthday, come and meet me and we'll have dinner or something." Except sadly, she's the one who broke off and ignoring me. In my head, I keep repeating the same movie, that we'll see each other, and then boom, like before, again. But this time, I did it, she gave me chances that I didnt take as the last chance, and I was just blind to her request for me to change, for me to grow up, for me to better myself, for us.

she is the type of person who keeps her feelings bottled until she cant hold it anymore, and I know that looking back at it, she must have been feeling like this for a long time.

today is one week since the break up, and we haven't spoken or seen each other since las thursday, when I broke down and begged her, only to dig myself deeper.

only tomorrow is my birthday. I cant stand this. I just feel like when I could have the chance to show her that I better myself, I just didnt, and just pushed her away. break NC? contact her for a casual meeting? I dont plan to bring any relationship stuff, and deep inside me, I know that I cant be with her anymore since she pretty much ruined my reputation with friends and relatives. I know also that seeing her will only worsen my pain, because I still love her, and I miss her like crazy.

since she is the one ignoring me, the ball is in her camp, and I know that all of her friends and family is not supporting her being with me or to contact me. i am not gonna lie, im not a saint, and i needed a lot of growing up. but she helped me, realize who i was, that i didnt need to impress. she was always there for me, just like i was for her. as you can see in my previous post, im only here in the states to study in college, and I have no family. my friends and her were my family, my emotional support. i have been 4 years here now, and after the second year, I started getting really sick. We were together for a year, and I started being very cranky with her, and we fought a lot. she broke up last year around the same period with me, but ended up taking me back. but i was getting sicker and sicker and I had to go back home and get surgery on my thyroid. she was devastated. we were together for a year and a half already. i was home 3 months. i called her every night, every day, didnt miss one day. she was sad, crying at me, asking me when ill come back and all. and then, she started being more and more distant, and we even fought on the phone while we were 5000 miles away. i came back and we were just like if we hadnt been away, it was great. I missed her so much i just wanted to be with her. she on the other hand started to miss going out with friends and all that. I was still sick, and recovering from ym surgery and i was staying at home and just wanted to be with her. i didnt see friends, alienated myself from people.

you know the rest, she started feeling smothered, guilty of not spending time with me, i wasnt a saint either, i wanted her to myself, and would be pretty mean if she wasnt with me. she started to be more and more distant, and i would try to be more and more lovely with her, but i could see that she was doubting our relationship.

i know that when i started being sick i was not a great boyfriend, she still stuck with me and i thank her with all my heart for her to be there. without her, I couldnt have done anything. and when we were starting out, we fought a lot due to my insecurities, and i was dumping her just for little things, but taking her back. we had one and a half year of great time, and then i was sick, and now this.

she said to the friend that it was too much, and that she doesnt understand why she stuck with me when i was so mean to her, that she should have done that a long time ago.

i need some serious advice. please.

November 1, 2005

i forgot to mention that since she is the only one that i can really relate here, she thinks that we are like an old married couple. when she moved out one month ago, and she still wanted to be with me, i asked her what she wanted, date, see other people? she said she just wanted time for herself, be happy again, do things for her. but stupid me, i didnt let her. i feel so shi**y just thinking that I could still be with her, and not deal with all this sh*t, if I wasnt so blinded by my love for her, and couldnt see that she wanted space. she assured me that she didnt want to see other people, and i told her that i want to be with her, that she is the one that i want to be with. now she thinks that i want to marry her, and since i am her first, she told me that she does not knwo what she wants, and that she is just a baby in relationships, that she is not right for me and the kind of commitment that i want.

November 1, 2005

i don't know what to say here patwheel except that I am the exact situation

my heart is going through a mincer here and I am totally preoccupied by our breakup, i haven't even done much work in 2 odd weeks and i can't afford that!

i got a text this morning... i can't bear to look at it and see if its her or don't see its her, both are crushing

i'm remembering every single bit of time together and the lovely places we visited, i wonder what is in her head, is she doing even 1/100th of this

i've never ditched anyone I was mad about especially after all this, i have dated girls and never phoned them again, never any proper relationship and I didn't give it a thought, but this kind of breakup must be different or is it?

A good friend always said yeah you are sitting there with the world is going to end and shes out there having a ball, this unfortunately doesn't make me feel any better

if i had have dumped her i'd have thought what the hell and pursued her to get back with her

November 2, 2005

Sorry to do this GUYS but you have to STOP all this "shes out there having fun and im not" Its fuc*&% hard i know been there done that.

Remember that you are not with them anymore so stop thinking about what they are doing and start worring about what your going to do to get back on your feet.

IF ITS MENT TO BE IT WILL without you making a life mission out of it.

GO out have fun and relax it will get better.

Sorry to say this but you cant keep looking back and feeling sorry for yourself yopu will develop a mental comdition if you keep on doing that.

Let it go and get back to living life.

Refuse to talk or think about the ex and eventually your brain will do it automaticall.

Have a ggod one and good luck

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Gf broke it off, can't stand it, broke NC, going insane

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