Ronja Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 (edited) Sorry but this is gonna be a long one. So a guy at works been acting weird around me for a long time, and I don't know what to do about it. The first two months he started working there (him reception me café/bar) he was fine around me, very extroverted. He would always ask me what time I finished work (we had the same schedule) then he was about to ask me something but always stopped himself. He would come to order his food and then tell me, this weekend is gonna be my last weekend off after that i have to start working weeknds, then on his last shift of the week he asked me as I started leaving if I was working that weekend when I said yes he sounded disapointed. Then one day I was on my break and he came to make a coffee he changed, he spilled his coffee, he seemed nervous and he took forever to clean it up. Then without looking at me he said so I'm going to the bar tonight with X(a friend of mine who works reception with him) would you like to join us? When I accepted he started looking at me and talking more relaxed. It was really nice but then I had a anxiety attack (I have Complex PTSD) I left without saying goodbye to him. He tried making conversation the next day but I was very short it took me a week to return to my baseline. Then he didn't speak to me for a week nor did he come for food or coffee, not until I started talking to him again did he start coming for food. He came to the bar on a day off and started asking my former roommate about me (he thought I was still living there) my room mate never told me what he said. But when they have too many people working reception (they only have three computers) he was the only one that would come to the café and help me out, instead of using a computer in the office. He came up after a morning shift and started asking if I see myself living in other countries, and what my plans for the future was. He is moving abroad. I told him stay here (capital of his country) then move back to the capital of my country. He sounded dissapointed and said oh so you do have a plan, and later he went It's good to have a plan, plans can always change. He thinks I should try and live in Australia, he loves that country he wants to settle there with wife and kids. The next day we finished work at the same time, and leaving work he asked me so what's your plans for tonight? I didn't have any and neither did he, then after a loong awkard pause he went Oh a really cold beer would be amazing right now I agreed long pauce he remembered which way I needed to go to get home (much to my surprise he can't even remember names of his own collegues) and just before we had to go our seperate ways he asked me to go to a pub with him, it was very nice. Then our mutual friend (she works reception) with him had a housewarming he couldn't come to it since he finished at 11 pm and we both had to work the next day (a week day) he was hungover and only had two hours sleep but asked me to bring some people back from her party to work so we could party together. I thought he needed his sleep and when one of the boys asked if he was coming to the bar that night he said no because he needed his sleep. Then before leaving for her party we were all waiting in reception and he started talking to me he sounded dissapointed that he couldn't go with us so I told him she was duing another one he didn't say anything and then said I was gonna do one to which he replied your doing a house warming? I'm coming to that one! he likes to party but he and the other girl are known as party people I'm not like that. The next morning he asked me if i ever came back with some people to party he wanted to know why not. He seem very interessted in coming to my house, wanted to make sure he could move his shift to be there. At my house he seemed anxious, we were just 4 people two boys and two girls (all from work) when we were alone (they went out to smoke he's a partysmoker but stayed behind) there was an awrkward silence all we could say to each other were so how you been? The other boy said to me I remember this guy who was massively flirting with you a week ago, I said which one and the guy went Oh there's more? like he sounded surprised, I mean I'm no supermodel but I'm not that ugly. Then the girl (one of his closest friends from work) started talking about the creepy communts she gets from men, the boys didn't say anything, but then I started talking about my exåeriences and he got mad, tell them to f*** off come to reception we blacklist them, they cannot treat you this way. I said it's hardly bad enough to blacklist someone and he went no! your uncomftable we blacklist them! when they left he turned around (and as the only one) didn't look me in the eye and said this has been really nice and then he hugged me, holding me for three mississipies. At the girls second housewarming I finished my shift half and hour before him and another guy, as he saw me leaving he said, you going to her place now? I was like yeah he went but who's gonna por me a beer?! I said Frank (the man who takes over for me) he went yeah but, but who's gonna pour me a beer?! I said Frank you know FRank then he sounded frustratet and went well I'M gonna get a beer! At the party he kept circling me, I was sitting in the furtest corner and he ended up right next to me, staying near me all night. At one point one boy noticed my parfume and complimentet it the boys and girls started sniffing trying to guess what scent it was. He was sipping he drink looking awkard I mentioned that the first time i wore it a man (manager) said you smell so good I'm gonna be standing close to you so I can sniff you. The guy looked up at the guy he came with and said that's just ... being a creep! He then looked at his feet and asked me to spray it on his arm which I did. He's a really nice guy and we have a lot in common so I asked him to meet up with me one day to teach me karate he couldn't remember how to but was down to relearn with me. He later said he couldn't remember how to do it and then kept saying that we could do other stuff. He asked me to go swimming with him, running and then yoga which we ended up agreeing to. On the day he gets weird again, he brought his brother with him acting more anxious and awkard than before (possible high) he bought me coffee kept saying that his brother was gonna be the instructor but his brother didn't seem like he wanted to be the instructor (or with us didn't speak unless spoken to) my anxiety went up. We found a spot in his favorite park did the session (40 min) he brought a pink yoga mat specially for me ,and then we stayed talking with really loong awkward pauses that made me think that maybe he didn't want to be there and that any minute he would leave. 6 hours later he went me and my borther haven't eaten today we should go eat. What's your plans for the day? I got embarressed like he don'tt want to be here and wants me to leave. So we packed up and he suggested that we took a different rute to a different station he said it's a longer one but then you get to see the beautiful lakes. As we are walking by the pretty lakes he starts talking about living in my capital. He's doesn't know anything about my country and he hates the cold (my country is cold) he askes how far away my hometown is and he can really see himself living there. We leave the forest and there's a street with lots of restaurants and café and he goes you should really try a turkish restaurant one day (he's part turkish) I said maybe one day i will, he went like that one, right infront of us that's a turkish restaurant and that drink you see on the poster that's a very popular turkish drink. i didn't say anything we went to the station and said goodbye. He's very chatty and relaxed when he's talking to other women and hangs with more women than men, i'm the only one he is like that with. He doesn't really talk to me when I'm in a group but more when we are alone. I don't know if I'm just making him uncomftable or he's like me? Sorry for the very long post. Edited April 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 2 hours ago, Ronja said: . . I don't know if I'm just making him uncomftable or he's like me? He seems to like you because he's asking you out and does things with you. Just relax and enjoy the dates. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 Do you like him? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 Here's a tip: I got so bogged down in the details of your post that I couldn't follow it at all. I suspect you're doing the same thing to yourself. It's really whacky to track every detail of numerous interactions with a person to try to figure out whether they "like" you or not. You have not mentioned a word about whether YOU like HIM. Your situation sounds very common to me. Young single people hanging around with each other, feeling some attraction but not really figuring out how to make anything happen with it. If you actually are interested in him, you need to make sure he knows it. He will probably make a more focussed move on you if you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 15 hours ago, Ronja said: I don't know if I'm just making him uncomftable or he's like me? Girl, this guy is BIG TIME into you. He has been dropping HUGE hints all over the place. He couldn't be more obvious. Question is, do you like him? If so, bite the bullet and tell him you would like to date him. What have you got to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 You’re both moving away to different cities/countries within the year or in a short time so is any of this worth your while? Enjoy the company but it’s likely not going to last. He seems to like being around you but your plans are different. You plan to go back to your home country which is cold and he dislikes the cold. His plans are elsewhere but I’m afraid you may be taking him too literally when he says he can see himself living there. I wouldn’t think too much about what this is. Enjoy the moment and then move on your separate ways. It appears there’s quite a lot that’s in flux in both your lives, very unsettled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 10 hours ago, JTSW said: Girl, this guy is BIG TIME into you. He has been dropping HUGE hints all over the place. He couldn't be more obvious. Question is, do you like him? If so, bite the bullet and tell him you would like to date him. What have you got to lose? Well that's what I was hoping for. I really really like him and unfortunatly my anxiety that day of the yoga date got the better of me (I'm very protecting of myself due to my trauma, he has a lot of trauma himself). I took his awkwardness as he not wanting to be there with me, my feelings took over and I send him a message that indicated that I kinda regretted asking him to go on a date with me. After that he was still weird around me. Like he always keeps eye contact when walking past me and he doesn't have a problem with standing very close to me. But he wont talk to me in a group of collegues, he will socialize with everyone of them but me. Like talking to the person on the right to me and on the left (new girl at work) said goodbye to them then looked back at me gave me a quick semi smile then walked away and as he was leaving he kept looking at me. I have now found out that he started seeing a new girl at work (mentioned above) she's like a younger version of me. He is not showing any kind of emotion or affection towards her and talks to her like he talks to any other woman, but me he is still weird around me. He will call me by nickname ( he doesn't call other people by nickname) and talk a bit with me but only when we are alone, and that really hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 5 hours ago, glows said: You’re both moving away to different cities/countries within the year or in a short time so is any of this worth your while? Enjoy the company but it’s likely not going to last. He seems to like being around you but your plans are different. You plan to go back to your home country which is cold and he dislikes the cold. His plans are elsewhere but I’m afraid you may be taking him too literally when he says he can see himself living there. I wouldn’t think too much about what this is. Enjoy the moment and then move on your separate ways. It appears there’s quite a lot that’s in flux in both your lives, very unsettled. I would have been fine being with him for only a short amount of time unfortuatly it's not gonna happen now. And it really hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 21 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Here's a tip: I got so bogged down in the details of your post that I couldn't follow it at all. I suspect you're doing the same thing to yourself. It's really whacky to track every detail of numerous interactions with a person to try to figure out whether they "like" you or not. You have not mentioned a word about whether YOU like HIM. Your situation sounds very common to me. Young single people hanging around with each other, feeling some attraction but not really figuring out how to make anything happen with it. If you actually are interested in him, you need to make sure he knows it. He will probably make a more focussed move on you if you do. Yes I like him very much. I become very avoident with people I like (self defense mechanism) and so I'm not really giving away when I have feelings for someone, as I have a HUGE fear of rejection. I only imply when I like someone. Something I need to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 23 hours ago, stillafool said: Do you like him? Yes very very much. In fact haven't felt this strongly about anyone in over ten years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 On 1/18/2023 at 9:29 PM, Wiseman2 said: He seems to like you because he's asking you out and does things with you. Just relax and enjoy the dates. I was hoping for since he was so awkward but still very much tried to spend time with me. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 11 hours ago, Ronja said: Well that's what I was hoping for. I really really like him and unfortunatly my anxiety that day of the yoga date got the better of me (I'm very protecting of myself due to my trauma, he has a lot of trauma himself). I took his awkwardness as he not wanting to be there with me, my feelings took over and I send him a message that indicated that I kinda regretted asking him to go on a date with me. After that he was still weird around me. Like he always keeps eye contact when walking past me and he doesn't have a problem with standing very close to me. But he wont talk to me in a group of collegues, he will socialize with everyone of them but me. Like talking to the person on the right to me and on the left (new girl at work) said goodbye to them then looked back at me gave me a quick semi smile then walked away and as he was leaving he kept looking at me. I have now found out that he started seeing a new girl at work (mentioned above) she's like a younger version of me. He is not showing any kind of emotion or affection towards her and talks to her like he talks to any other woman, but me he is still weird around me. He will call me by nickname ( he doesn't call other people by nickname) and talk a bit with me but only when we are alone, and that really hurts. He's getting mixed signals from you so he's confused. It's not acting weird. If you still want to date him then explain to him what you said above, about your anxiety etc. You just need to be honest with him before you miss your chance, which is slowly slipping away. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 16 hours ago, Ronja said: I have now found out that he started seeing a new girl at work (mentioned above) she's like a younger version of me. How do you know this? If he’s seeing someone else keep your distance and be respectful that he’s with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 20, 2023 Author Share Posted January 20, 2023 It happened at work. I avoid people i like, have been avoident to him since the beginning can't give him any more space than he's already getting Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 20 hours ago, Ronja said: Yes I like him very much. I become very avoident with people I like (self defense mechanism) and so I'm not really giving away when I have feelings for someone, as I have a HUGE fear of rejection. I only imply when I like someone. Something I need to work on. Yes, you do. If you want to connect with a person that you really like, you will need to accept a degree of risk of what you fear most: Rejection. Now I think I understand why you gave so many minuscule details of all your interactions with this guy; you were trying to analyze the level of risk of rejection before deciding whether to take a chance. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way at all. You have some experiences with him, but you don't know the guy on an intimate level. Even if he really liked you and wanted to get to know you, there is a reasonable chance that your relationship would not go anywhere. You two might not be compatible, he might be a jerk, etc. Another aspect that people who have a huge fear of rejection often don't consider is that the other person has needs for reassurance and demonstrations of interest just like you do, only probably to a lesser extreme. If you're consumed with your "risk averse" approach, you won't be very giving. You'll be too wrapped up in "does he like me" to actually function well in liking HIM. Keep working on your fear of rejection. You can get much better with some help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Ronja said: It happened at work. I avoid people i like, have been avoident to him since the beginning can't give him any more space than he's already getting Do you know why you avoid people you like? Are you worried about being judged or being vulnerable? Sometimes there are very valid reasons for staying away from someone who is plain rotten or more trouble than they’re worth. Join some groups and start socializing and interacting with people you like in general or enjoy the company you’re with. I agree with the above comments on focusing more on deciding whether you’re compatible when it comes to crushes or potential dates. Edited January 20, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 On 1/20/2023 at 3:08 PM, Ronja said: I avoid people i like Well this isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to figure out why you do this because it's not good. This guy wasn't acting awkward, he was confused as hell. He couldn't be more obvious that he was into you but you gave off the vibe that you weren't interested. You have lost out on a potentially great guy because of your awkwardness. He moved on and found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 On 1/20/2023 at 6:46 PM, glows said: Do you know why you avoid people you like? Are you worried about being judged or being vulnerable? Sometimes there are very valid reasons for staying away from someone who is plain rotten or more trouble than they’re worth. Join some groups and start socializing and interacting with people you like in general or enjoy the company you’re with. I agree with the above comments on focusing more on deciding whether you’re compatible when it comes to crushes or potential dates. I avoid people i like because i have a fear of intimacy. Amirering from afar is easier but oncf they get close, I kinda panic and push them away even though I really like them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 4 hours ago, JTSW said: Well this isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to figure out why you do this because it's not good. This guy wasn't acting awkward, he was confused as hell. He couldn't be more obvious that he was into you but you gave off the vibe that you weren't interested. You have lost out on a potentially great guy because of your awkwardness. He moved on and found someone else. Your absolutly right. My friends pointed out the exact same thing. I talk with every guy at work but become very avoident to the one i like and he's seen it. It kills me to see him with her, but like they say you snooze you loose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 On 1/20/2023 at 10:08 AM, Ronja said: It happened at work. I avoid people i like, have been avoident to him since the beginning can't give him any more space than he's already getting What happened at work? Did you see him and the new girl together? Is he older than you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 2 hours ago, Ronja said: It kills me to see him with her, but like they say you snooze you loose. A lot of people lose out because of fear of rejection, both men and women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: A lot of people lose out because of fear of rejection, both men and women. That's very true. And I have been repeating the same pattern over and over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: What happened at work? Did you see him and the new girl together? Is he older than you? They were having coffee before work and her body language gave it away. She's also keeps asking him to go for drinks with her. I have nothing against her i really like her, she's like a younger vertion of me. He's 4 years younger than me she's 11 years younger than me. We all woke together so it's extremely hard on me, expecially since he is different around. Like he still gets weird around me (I'm the only one he treat this way) Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 24, 2023 Share Posted January 24, 2023 16 hours ago, Ronja said: And I have been repeating the same pattern over and over again. I think you need to speak with a therapist to try and figure out why you do this. This is no way to live hun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted January 24, 2023 Author Share Posted January 24, 2023 45 minutes ago, JTSW said: I think you need to speak with a therapist to try and figure out why you do this. This is no way to live hun. Going too today cuz this is not how I want to live, and it definitly doesn't get me anywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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