Fighting or Ignoring.

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, I may have created a similar thread years ago with a previous boyfriend but I'm having the same dilemma now - I am REALLY angry at my husband and don't know whether I should bring it up and argue/fight OR ignore and hope it passes eventually.

The issue is:

He's a busy entrepreneur, a small business owner, which keeps him so so busy and frankly unavailable at times. 

Which I knew about from the beginning and was fine with, more or less. 

I always believed in "quality versus quantity" and when we do spend time, it's good quality time and awesome!  He's very loving and attentive. 

The problem however is that at times he also extremely aloof and emotionally distant.

And sometimes like today for example - a Sunday, it's raining and would be a great day to keep warm and cuddle up watching old movies or whatever -- it really bugs me!!

I can't figure whether or not I'm hurt or angry or perhaps both. 

Now, I really want to be a bytch and cold and aloof myself.  Basically ignore him with "attitude" even though consciously I know this is extremy immature and wouldn't resolve anything and probably make things worse. 

OR, pick a fight which is also extremely immature. 

Both reactions are emotionally-driven responses, I realize that but it's gotten to the point where his aloofness and distance has become too over the top and I'm sick of it. 

We are married and I need to feel closer on a consistent basis not just when it suits him.

Again, I knew this about him from the beginning, that his business was his main purpose/focus and I was joining him on his journey and supportive. 

But now IDK, it's not enough anymore and don't know the best way to handle it. 

I really need your help with this guys, I'm really struggling.

Thanks in advance. 

EDIT:  Fwiw, my dad was the exact same way.  Not a business owner, a busy successful attorney. 

He was a great dad don't get me wrong, but could be extremely aloof and distance at times.

Which hurt me growing up, I even cried at times because of it. 

 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

@poppyfields I think fight or ignore is a false dichotomy. You really don’t have anything to be angry at him about as he’s not really doing anything wrong per se. What you need to do is communicate your needs. It sounds like quality time is one of your “love languages” so you have to let him know. Healthy communication is not fighting. And you can even come up with a plan together - every second Sunday can be a couple day for example - whatever works for both of you. 
 

Just try to keep in mind you’re both in this together - it’s not his needs vs your needs. A compromise that works for both is what you’re looking for.

Edited January 15, 2023 by Weezy1973

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Sorry to hear about the current struggles you are having. I think there is a different (and better) third option of talking out your feelings and trying to settle on a middle ground. Ignoring the issue or starting a fight will both backfire.

Talking through the issue is the best path, though I know it can be hard and may not immediately fix things (if he isn’t receptive or just placates you - I’ve experienced that too many times). I think finding the right time to bring it up is key (not when you or he are agitated and upset, or wound up over work), expressing what you need but also really hearing what he needs. Perhaps he gets aloof and distant as a way to cope with his (work) stress. It’s not fair to you but understanding what he’s going through during those times may help you both find a better way to communicate, offer space to each other when needed without the other person (you in this case) feeling ignored or being frozen out.

Do you think speaking to a marriage counselor could help you both learn how to better communicate and navigate these types of issues? I really wish my husband and I had gone to marriage counseling when we had some early issues as it would have helped a lot.

Wishing you all the best. You are newlyweds still, learning how to build you life together and these types of situations are common and can be worked out.

Edited January 15, 2023 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

The problem however is that at times he also extremely aloof and emotionally distant.

Being someone that is sometimes aloof and distant at times my advice is to not take it personally. Chances are he is not trying to make you feel bad.

If you have constructive criticism, say it in one or two sentences and leave it at that. I.E. "I feel like you don’t respect me when you {insert latest example}."

Focusing on oneself is the best antidote to getting overly focused on a distant partner. His conduct will change if he values your marriage.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It sounds like quality time is one of your “love languages” so you have to let him know.

You're spot on @Weezy1973'quality time' IS my main love language.  Second is 'acts of service'.

And our time together IS quality but sometimes I get lonely, that's all. 

Today I happen to be in a sensitive mood so it bothers me. 

I will talk to him like a mature grown up.  I will tell him I miss him sometimes and get lonely. 

We're nearly a year together, time to start being real.  He may not know how much this is affecting me, since I've always been or acted OK with it. 

Thank you guys. 

 

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 He may not know how much this is affecting me, since I've always been or acted OK with it. 

 

Just a caution that it's possible the degree to which this is affecting you may actually be a product of your upbringing (you mentioned your dad was the same). Again, your husband hasn't done anything wrong so feeling angry at him is misplaced, but it makes sense if your feelings stem from your upbringing. Also remember that your feelings are not your husband's responsibility. While it's perfectly reasonable to want to spend more quality time together, it's not reasonable to want him to be a different type of person. Again you're both in this together. I've spoken about a little "trick" my wife and I do when we're having a "real" discussion. We hold hands while we speak to each other. It reminds us that this isn't a me vs. you thing. It's an us thing.

[mark clemson]

Sometimes people need their space. You could consider communicating about how you feel and see what he believes is driving his "aloofness".

If one or both of you is genuinely made, sometimes a little cooling off period can help prevent things from escalating.

IF he says it's something you are doing that upsets him (like the way you react to things) and this is why he's being "stand-offish," don't react with anger (and thus "train" him to shut down about real issues he may have) but instead try to explore what's going on and why, keep in mind that we ALL have flaws and have room for potential improvement.

Edited January 15, 2023 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

@mark clemsonI typically don't react to his need for distance, I've always understood it.  He's starting up a small business, and focused on that.  Or so he claims.  

So doubtful it's due to anything I'm doing or not doing but I will ask. 

I'm only reacting emotionally now, with you guys.  He has no clue this bothers me to the extent it does or how lonely I feel.

@Weezy1973yes it triggers memories of me and dad growing up and how lonely I felt back then too.

My therapist said I chose my husband as he was so much like my dad and I'm subconsciously hoping to heal the pain and loneliness I felt with my dad though my relationship with my husband. 

It's seems to have opened up old wounds, but perhaps this needed to happen in order to heal them.

IDK, may be too deep but in any event, tonight I will talk to my husband and will try the holding hands thing like you mentioned.

Thanks again. 

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

Causing a fight and giving him the silent treatment are both the easy ways to deal with the situation - but neither feel particularly good (spoken from experience ;)) and neither is particularly effective if your goal is a happy, harmonious relationship. 

It’s in these moments that I remind myself that everyone needs their time and space in a relationship. I take the time to calm myself and at a later time, when I’m not emotional and we are able to talk… that’s when I ask for what I want. Recognizing that I need to respect his need for space, he needs to understand what my expectations are for the relationship as well. 

Just sharing, this is what works for us. Best wishes poppy.