A married man lead me on and now that I flirted back, he gets mad.

[Bearhugs741]

Hi

I need to get this off my chest because I’m so hurt right now. I know I will be judged. I admit I’m not a saint. 
[ ] It’s my first time dealing with [a MM] so I might be a little naive.

I met a married man a few years ago. He told me he was married and I thought nothing of him. He started following me on social media and was very friendly all the time and found excuses to talk to me. I really thought he was probably not happy in his marriage because I think it’s odd for a married man to seek friends of the opposite sex. I have even seen him flirting with other women too so he’s not all that loyal. I didn’t pay attention at first but as time went by we hit it off, we had things in common and I started developing strong feelings but never acted on it. 
 

Recently, he went as far as sending me direct messages on Instagram. He wished me a happy thanksgiving, a happy new year and would send me Good morning messages. I thought I wouldn’t lose anything by flirting a little and see if I had a chance because he didn’t even mention his wife, so again, I thought he wasn’t happy with her. 
 

Now he’s pissed that I flirted with him and is treating me like I’m the bad guy. He told me he’s in love with his wife. FINALLY!!! Why didn’t he said it earlier?? I wasn’t expecting him to reciprocate but I didn’t thought he was going to be such an a**h*** about it. He’s the one who started talking to me anyway. Now I told him to please stop messaging me and apologized to him and felt like an idiot for flirting. But I hate feeling like this. 
I don’t know if there’s such thing as a married man being friends with another woman without wanting something more. I think it’s bullshit. So why did he spent all this time talking for me? If he’s so in love with his wife like he says, he shouldn’t be talking to other women. I’m just really angry and needed to vent. How can I feel better after this? I feel stupid and used. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Wiseman2]

Do you work together? Delete/block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

There's no reason to be involved in this. He's just a run-of-the-mill skirt chaser.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Bearhugs741 said:

I thought I wouldn’t lose anything by flirting a little and see if I had a chance

What exactly did you say? 

And yes, I would say it was naive of you to assume you had a chance. The guy is married, OP.  That's not how this works. The only "chance" that exists is the chance to be a side-piece, which is not great. 

2 hours ago, Bearhugs741 said:

He told me he’s in love with his wife. FINALLY!!! Why didn’t he said it earlier??

Maybe he got caught messaging you and she had him do so. In any case, all the messaging needed to stop. There is nothing but chaos with men like this. 

[pepperbird2]

15 hours ago, Bearhugs741 said:

Hi

I need to get this off my chest because I’m so hurt right now. I know I will be judged. I admit I’m not a saint. 
[ ] It’s my first time dealing with [a MM] so I might be a little naive.

I met a married man a few years ago. He told me he was married and I thought nothing of him. He started following me on social media and was very friendly all the time and found excuses to talk to me. I really thought he was probably not happy in his marriage because I think it’s odd for a married man to seek friends of the opposite sex. I have even seen him flirting with other women too so he’s not all that loyal. I didn’t pay attention at first but as time went by we hit it off, we had things in common and I started developing strong feelings but never acted on it. 
 

Recently, he went as far as sending me direct messages on Instagram. He wished me a happy thanksgiving, a happy new year and would send me Good morning messages. I thought I wouldn’t lose anything by flirting a little and see if I had a chance because he didn’t even mention his wife, so again, I thought he wasn’t happy with her. 
 

Now he’s pissed that I flirted with him and is treating me like I’m the bad guy. He told me he’s in love with his wife. FINALLY!!! Why didn’t he said it earlier?? I wasn’t expecting him to reciprocate but I didn’t thought he was going to be such an a**h*** about it. He’s the one who started talking to me anyway. Now I told him to please stop messaging me and apologized to him and felt like an idiot for flirting. But I hate feeling like this. 
I don’t know if there’s such thing as a married man being friends with another woman without wanting something more. I think it’s bullshit. So why did he spent all this time talking for me? If he’s so in love with his wife like he says, he shouldn’t be talking to other women. I’m just really angry and needed to vent. How can I feel better after this? I feel stupid and used. 

I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like sour grapes. You projected your feelings on to him and are upset he didn’t reciprocate. 
best to walk away and maybe next time, save yourself the aggravation- leave married men alone. [ ]

Edited January 15, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Bearhugs741]

Thanks. I already told him I’ll not bother him anymore. It sucks because we were good friends but I don’t know why he wanted to talk to me and avoided mentioning his wife. It confuses me but I guess all I can do is move on. And I hope he’ll stop messaging me too. 

[mark clemson]

Wait, so you're not "allowed" to have friends of the opposite sex if you're married? Wow, what do the poor bi- and pan-sexuals do? I guess they can't have any friends at all?

If you're worried about infidelity, it's the intent of the friendship that is important IMO, not the fact that one exists.

That point made, it does sound this like this particular gentleman is very much a "game-player".

Who can say why he suddenly turned the tables. Perhaps you took to long to become responsive and he's annoyed. Perhaps his wife is putting her foot down about this stuff. Perhaps there's another woman he flirts with in the office and he's actually going to have an affair with her, and he doesn't want her to feel jealous. Perhaps he had a bad experience with HR and wants a paper trail. Perhaps he simply does this to the women he flirts with to shut things down before it can get too serious.

Those are a few among a multitude of possible reasons. All of which are essentially irrelevant.

Quote

It confuses me but I guess all I can do is move on

Exactly. Since whatever this was (or wasn't) never got beyond flirting stage anyhow "moving on" shouldn't be much trouble. Just give him a wide berth, and be sure to (politely and reasonably) shut HIM down if he comes around for a repeat of whatever this was.

 

 

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Bearhugs741 said:

Thanks. I already told him I’ll not bother him anymore. It sucks because we were good friends but I don’t know why he wanted to talk to me and avoided mentioning his wife. It confuses me but I guess all I can do is move on. And I hope he’ll stop messaging me too. 

It would seem if you guys were such good friends you would have asked him about his wife.  Why didn't you since you knew you were communicating with a married man? You can prevent him from messaging you by blocking him.

Edited January 15, 2023 by stillafool

[Starswillshine]

Why is it always assumed when a man is engaging in inappropriate activity, he must not be happy in his marriage? Why isn't always, the guy is married and being inappropriate, what a sleaze.....

[poppyfields]

OP, I went through something similar years ago.  He wasn't married but the behavior was essentially the same. 

A man in my social group was flirting with me heavily, complimenting me, "suggesting" we go out, we'd make beautiful babies together (in a jokey way) etc etc he really layed it on thick!

Everyone in the group was pushing us to go out as they could see what was happening and would often mention how John had a crush on me. 

I never really overtly flirted like he did, but one day I suggested we get coffee and he responded "I'm not interested in you, so no."

He seemed angry!!  It was the weirdest thing ever.  

After that I kind of ignored him and eventually he warmed up to me again and apologized for being a jerk and actually asked me out. 

I politely thanked him for the invite but declined. 

What I've learned is that it's a futile waste of time and energy trying to figure these things out.

Men can be weird sometimes, confusing. 

They no doubt think we can be weird and confusing too.

Try to let it go and don't give it another thought.

 

Edited January 16, 2023 by poppyfields

[Luna66star]

MM go online all the time to create cyber connections.  Perhaps they're bored, unhappy or need validation. He noticed your receptivity and ran with it.  Don't take these online connections seriously. These guys are passing the time, don't take it personally.  They will talk to literally anyone. Hiding behind a computer allows them to have these online non chalant flirtations without actually physically cheating.

He was talking to you for these reasons and he is not obligated to discuss his wife or other very personal aspects of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

[JTSW]

On 1/15/2023 at 5:05 AM, Bearhugs741 said:

I really thought he was probably not happy in his marriage

Or you were hoping he wasn't.

On 1/15/2023 at 5:05 AM, Bearhugs741 said:

I thought I wouldn’t lose anything by flirting a little and see if I had a chance because he didn’t even mention his wife, so again, I thought he wasn’t happy with her. 

What made you think you ever had a chance with a MM?

Did he flirt with you at all? Because all you say in your post is that he was friendly.

On 1/15/2023 at 5:05 AM, Bearhugs741 said:

If he’s so in love with his wife like he says, he shouldn’t be talking to other women.

Why shouldn't he? Men are allowed female friends.

As you said, he was being friendly and obviously only saw you as a friend.

13 hours ago, Bearhugs741 said:

I don’t know why he wanted to talk to me and avoided mentioning his wife. It confuses me but I guess all I can do is move on. And I hope he’ll stop messaging me too. 

I think you are hoping he still messages you.

You make so many comments about him not mentioning his wife but there's nothing wrong with that because its his private life.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Bearhugs741 said:

 I hope he’ll stop messaging me  

Do you work together? Is there any reason you're unable to block him? That may be the best recourse.