Codependent after 26 years

[paralysisbyanalysis]

I have been with my husband for 26 years. Dated for 10, married for 16. I love him, I am sure of that. I have no problem coming up with some great qualities he has. The problem is that I think we are with each other out of habit, fear of change and codependency more than out of a true connection in the way a husband and wife love each other. 

We have been together since I was 16. We have had lots of great times in our relationship and lots of very terrible times. Even at the worst there was still love between us.

I have a lot of feelings lately though of wanting to be alone. And specifically being single. At the age I am, and the time I have invested in the marriage,  I don't feel like I have the energy to go through the cycle again. What I mean by that is, we go through a rut (I understand these happen, but the issues are the same over and over) then it finally comes to a head and we never really resolve things. We both don't like conflict and we solve things by not speaking until we are no longer as angry with each other. I recognize this is not healthy. 

I have a lot of things that I feel I have missed out on in life. I don't say that to blame my husband, it is not his fault. I never had full freedom over myself. To make my own decisions about what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want, etc. I want to go and visit friends over seas for a month (*totally platinic friend of the same sex btw, If you are thinking anything insidious there, this is not about another person) and not worry about whether it hurts someone's feelings for example. I don't want to hurt him but I am afraid that I will resent him if I don't don't find a way to feel like I am my own person and build a piece of myself that belongs only to me. 

I'm rambling but to start the conversation, I have been working with my counselor to either understand how I can be okay with the life I chose so long ago or start over and live by my own rules. Interested in what other people who opted to end a not necessarily bad marriage, that the other partner didn't want to end. We have two children, one adult and one that will be a senior in H.S next year.  

Additional potentially related context: I am very outgoing and social. I want to go and do things. I work from home so when I am not working I don't want to spend all my free time at home.  My husband doesn't work, he hasn't worked in over a year.  I try to include him in outings with family, events and functions that others would bring a partner to and so on. He never wants to leave the house. It's incredibly lonely to live my life without him, and to have to make reserved decisions at times out of consideration for him. 

[glows]

Does it have to be either/or? Do you experience pushback or negative comments when you express you’d like to visit friends or try to share what you feel after a disagreement? 

My concern is that there isn’t enough communication and neither of you are trying so evidently nothing is going to change. I am also curious about why you’ve given up or seemed to have checked out?

I’m sensing a lot of deep resentments built up over the years, maybe some you’ve suppressed for some time until it’s come to a boil like now. Would you regret not expressing yourself fully if you separated or divorced? 

Edited January 15, 2023 by glows

[S2B]

I hope you will gain the strength to become your own person…whether you stay or go.

life is too short. You can learn to be happy on your own. You can have your own relationship with your kids whether you’re married or not.

he doesn’t sound like a partner.

why hasn’t he worked in a year? Normally the husband helps support the family.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, paralysisbyanalysis said:

.  My husband doesn't work, he hasn't worked in over a year.

Sorry this is happening. Is he retired, disabled or unemployed?

Sadly your marriage is in a rut. See if you can apply for jobs outside the house. Being trapped in the house together 24/7 is bound to make you feel worse 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses. Get out of the house more. He doesn't have to come with you when you're with friends and family.

Whether you stay or go, it's better to develop more outside interests and friends. 

 

[paralysisbyanalysis]

So, a little more context around why he doesn't work. A little over a year ago, covid hit our daughter's mental health in a pretty serious way. At the time my husband was working in another town and was only home on the weekends. I had my daughter's counselor telling me that she needed a higher level of care (as in inpatient somewhere), and my husband not thinking it was a big deal. I did finally force it and told him that we needed his support and that we needed him to come home.  We also were starting a remodel on our house at the time (hurray 1 year later and still no where near complete) and since I work a fairly stressful full time job, opted for him to manage the remodel and help to give me a break during that time from basic kid stuff, and helping around the house. 

Flash forward  a little over a year or so ago, the remodel is delayed. He insisted on being able to do a lot of the stuff himself and then got hurt and has basically been unable to do a whole lot, but not without having first done a LOT of demo on the house. I told him not to. I said don't get ahead of yourself, we don't want to live in a construction zone for years. but I've been doing just that for a year now. 
He has also made snide comments at times about us blowing out of proportion our daughters struggles and made it seem like a favor that he came home and basically did what I told him to do to keep us happy (Not necessarily so blatantly, but that is the feeling portrayed). 

Since he does not work, he has taken over taking our son to and from school, and taking him to Dr. Apts. He does clean a little more than he used to, but I still feel like I do the majority  and he is like an older teenager that I ultimately have to take care of too. 

I guess it's obvious that I do have some resentment build up about all this. I don't want him to think that I don't care that his back hurts, or that his leg and feet are going numb because of a sciatic nerve, I do, I also think that it's not fair that I have to be the sole earner at a stressful job while working from home and literally being around each other 24/7.  He never travels, he has no friends of his own, he is content to stay at home days on end, playing xbox. 

I try very hard to not let outside influences cloud my judgement, however it gets difficult working with such motivated team members (Both male and female) who keep me interested, engaged, challenged and wanting to break the glass ceiling. It feels like we are in two very separate phases of our life. 

I just feel so trapped and guilty for feeling this way. 

[paralysisbyanalysis]

On 1/15/2023 at 12:28 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is he retired, disabled or unemployed?

Sadly your marriage is in a rut. See if you can apply for jobs outside the house. Being trapped in the house together 24/7 is bound to make you feel worse 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses. Get out of the house more. He doesn't have to come with you when you're with friends and family.

Whether you stay or go, it's better to develop more outside interests and friends. 

 

Unfortunately, since I work from home, I do not live in a place where I can find a comparable job to what I do today for the same pay. Our corporate offices are in San Francisco and I work in the tech industry.  I do go out with my girlfriends every other weekend or so, it just feels like something is missing when we go out and I feel like I can't be completely myself because I have this other person in my life who, while they don't want to particularly be included or come with to engagements  with me, I have to consider before making major life decisions. It's lonely. 

[paralysisbyanalysis]

On 1/14/2023 at 8:28 PM, glows said:

Does it have to be either/or? Do you experience pushback or negative comments when you express you’d like to visit friends or try to share what you feel after a disagreement? 

My concern is that there isn’t enough communication and neither of you are trying so evidently nothing is going to change. I am also curious about why you’ve given up or seemed to have checked out?

I’m sensing a lot of deep resentments built up over the years, maybe some you’ve suppressed for some time until it’s come to a boil like now. Would you regret not expressing yourself fully if you separated or divorced? 

I asked his opinion on a tattoo I want to add to the other day, and because he has grown out of the tattoo phase, he can no longer understand why I still love them. I recently got some ink work done that I anticipate will turn into a sleeve, tattoos are something I have always and will always love. I don't care that they might look bad when I'm old.  His response was that he didn't know how to answer the question and then asked me if I thought covering myself in tattoos is the only way I think I can feel pretty. It was a total hit to my self esteem when trying to share just one thing about myself that I really like only to feel like he finds me unattractive because of it. 

[glows]

Tattoos are deeply personal so if you want something done then plan for it and have a clear idea of what you want and speak with a reputable tattoo artist with the experience to do a larger piece. I’m considerably inked and no one would know it by looking at me at first glance as I dress conservatively unless I’m at home or at the beach. It’s always a shock to people who have never seen me undressed or in less clothing. 

What he may be picking up on is your lack of confidence in yourself. He’s not commenting that tattoos are bad or negative. He’s commenting on your ability to feel pretty and crass about your level of confidence if you need reassurance to have a sleeve done. I can definitely see how it may be taken in a negative light. At the end of the day it is your body you will be living in. 

[stillafool]

It does sound like your marriage is in a rut.  I can tell you that what you're feeling about your husband is more than likely the same thing he's feeling about you.  He's probably just as unhappy if not more than you.   Regarding his work, you did ask him to come home for your daughter and the remodel so is it unfair to resent him for not having a job?  If you go out with the girls every other Saturday night, why are you lonely without your husband if it's a girls night out?  I think you have every right to have as many tattoos as make you happy, but he's also allowed to not be attracted to them.  It sounds like you've outgrown each other.  Also if you want to go abroad to visit a friend does he object to it?  What did he say?  If not, what is preventing you from going?  Have you guys considered marriage counseling?

[paralysisbyanalysis]

On 1/18/2023 at 7:49 AM, stillafool said:

It does sound like your marriage is in a rut.  I can tell you that what you're feeling about your husband is more than likely the same thing he's feeling about you.  He's probably just as unhappy if not more than you.   Regarding his work, you did ask him to come home for your daughter and the remodel so is it unfair to resent him for not having a job?  If you go out with the girls every other Saturday night, why are you lonely without your husband if it's a girls night out?  I think you have every right to have as many tattoos as make you happy, but he's also allowed to not be attracted to them.  It sounds like you've outgrown each other.  Also if you want to go abroad to visit a friend does he object to it?  What did he say?  If not, what is preventing you from going?  Have you guys considered marriage counseling?

Yes, I did ask him to come home. However, it's been a year, our daughter is doing much better and 9 times out of 10 I am still the one having to manage the remodel because he never checks his email until I get a message from the contractor asking if we've looked at something or tells me they haven't gotten a response on something. He also is very good at demo but then slacks on putting things together.  So yeah, when the majority of the time he is NOT doing anything with the remodel, I do get annoyed. I am glad he came home for our daughter, that said, even then he didn't take things very seriously and continues to make comments about her "deciding to act crazy" 

I was very hurt to find out that he would have just brushed off some very valid concerns everyone involved with her on a daily basis had, had I not insisted he come home and deal with this as a family. Him being away affected her as well.  

He does have a right to not be attracted to tattoos, but that's not the message he gives. To him he says tattoos are dumb and a waste of money, and that if getting them removed didn't cost as much and be as painful as getting them, he'd have the ones he has removed. It feels like he wants me to have the same opinion and is annoyed that I haven't grown out of wanting and loving tattoos.  I have lots of them, I have been very adamant about wanting lots more and to date have never not gotten a tattoo because of what he would think. It just stands out as one more thing we disagree about. 

On the going abroad, it's not that he would object to it, but he would make comments about the cost and then turn around and say well it's your money.... Or he said have you considered that I might want to go? And I don't want to be rude and say well you weren't invited....I was invited by a girlfriend and I don't want to ask if my husband can tag along too and ask her to host another guest.  Plus then I have to consider what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, etc and the point was to be able to get out and do things for me and that I want to do at my own leisure.  

We have done marriage counseling in the past. I will not do it again with him at this point in time. 

[stillafool]

Regarding the remodel, I would tell the Contractor that my husband is handling that and to please direct all questions to him.  Then I'd give hubby the message to call him.  Don't do his work.

Did he come right out and tell you he'd like you to remove yours?  If not that is just his opinion that he regrets getting his and would have them removed if he could afford it.   It's okay to not like everything he does and vice versa.

Why didn't you just tell him that you were going away on a girl's trip and no men are invited?  That's a valid excuse not to invite him and perhaps then he would understand instead of just saying you're going abroad without giving details.  

It sounds like you guys can solve your problems with better communication.

 

 

 

[glows]

16 hours ago, paralysisbyanalysis said:

Yes, I did ask him to come home. However, it's been a year, our daughter is doing much better and 9 times out of 10 I am still the one having to manage the remodel because he never checks his email until I get a message from the contractor asking if we've looked at something or tells me they haven't gotten a response on something. He also is very good at demo but then slacks on putting things together.  So yeah, when the majority of the time he is NOT doing anything with the remodel, I do get annoyed. I am glad he came home for our daughter, that said, even then he didn't take things very seriously and continues to make comments about her "deciding to act crazy" 

I was very hurt to find out that he would have just brushed off some very valid concerns everyone involved with her on a daily basis had, had I not insisted he come home and deal with this as a family. Him being away affected her as well.  

He does have a right to not be attracted to tattoos, but that's not the message he gives. To him he says tattoos are dumb and a waste of money, and that if getting them removed didn't cost as much and be as painful as getting them, he'd have the ones he has removed. It feels like he wants me to have the same opinion and is annoyed that I haven't grown out of wanting and loving tattoos.  I have lots of them, I have been very adamant about wanting lots more and to date have never not gotten a tattoo because of what he would think. It just stands out as one more thing we disagree about. 

On the going abroad, it's not that he would object to it, but he would make comments about the cost and then turn around and say well it's your money.... Or he said have you considered that I might want to go? And I don't want to be rude and say well you weren't invited....I was invited by a girlfriend and I don't want to ask if my husband can tag along too and ask her to host another guest.  Plus then I have to consider what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, etc and the point was to be able to get out and do things for me and that I want to do at my own leisure.  

We have done marriage counseling in the past. I will not do it again with him at this point in time. 

You may have to figure out whether you’re still attracted or see yourself with him if you’ve grown so far apart. I do think communication can be improved if only to clarify where you both stand. You may be irritated with him but also be aware there is a ripple effect with this as you see the other person check out and be less present or feel rejected in a relationship. 

[BaileyB]

Personally, I’m wondering if your husband is depressed. I second the thought that he is likely equally as frustrated and unhappy than you are, or more so. 
 

On 1/17/2023 at 11:22 PM, paralysisbyanalysis said:

I do go out with my girlfriends every other weekend or so, it just feels like something is missing when we go out and I feel like I can't be completely myself because I have this other person in my life who, while they don't want to particularly be included or come with to engagements  with me, I have to consider before making major life decisions.

So, these are two separate things obviously. I’m not sure why you feel like something is missing and you can’t be yourself when you go out with your girlfriends - I was out with my girlfriends last night and I never thought of my partner once.

But yes, you do need to consider your husband when making major life decisions. 

On 1/19/2023 at 3:48 PM, paralysisbyanalysis said:

On the going abroad, it's not that he would object to it, but he would make comments about the cost and then turn around and say well it's your money.... Or he said have you considered that I might want to go? And I don't want to be rude and say well you weren't invited....I was invited by a girlfriend and I don't want to ask if my husband can tag along too and ask her to host another guest. 

 Coincidentally, we were talking about a future girls trip last night and the group consensus was that an overseas trip was too much and nobody felt they could make such a trip without their spouse. 

That said, if your friend lives overseas and your husband has no desire to travel or even leave the home, I personally would have no problem going to visit my friend without my husband. I do know women who travel without their spouses because their spouses have no interest in travelling. I too would prefer this to dragging him along… That said, I personally would plan another trip that my husband would enjoy to be sure that I get both - time with my husband and time with my friend. But, that’s just me. 

I was single for a really long time and let me tell you, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It can be very lonely, particularly in the years when all your friends and busy with their spouses and raising their families. If you have single friends and family, you may not feel it in quite the same way. I had one friend like you who married young and left her marriage because she felt that she missed out on the single life. Interestingly, she partnered up with someone else pretty soon after the divorce was final. So, the grass is not always greener.

If I had one piece of advice for you it would be to encourage your husband to find another job. I think it would help his mental health and your relationship tremendously if he was able to get out of the house, if he had something to do/some structure to his day, and some social contact. Good luck.

Edited January 21, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't ask for his approval of tattoos. You can tell him you are getting a tattoo as in inform him the way you would inform him that you're going to the grocery store, but you do not want to ask for his opinion.

In fact, in this case, sounds to me like he was confused by your asking for his opinion. Seems like he didn't know what to do. 

So telling him that you're going to do something (as opposed to asking his opinion)--that's your first step. I'm recovering codependent myself and I will tell you that the first step of not asking permission (or even NOT telling ahead of time) will feel awkward to you, scary. That's OK. You have a right to do what you want with your body. And again, he was totally confused it seems by you asking for his opinion here. 

You do NOT owe him a reason for why you want a tattoo. The reason you want a tattoo is  because you want a tattoo. He said something about he didn't understand this or that. So what?! It's not his body. You have no duty to give a reason for something like this that concerns you only than you have a reason to justify preferring butterscotch ice cream over vanilla. 

So those are some of your first steps--quit asking his opinion (or approval) of things. Know it will feel scary and yet once you've done it, you'll be amazed at how little pushback you get. And if he objects, tell him you don't need his opinion. 

The next step (since you don't want to "start over"--which is understandable since you sound exhausted) is to start doing things on your own. What activities would you like to do? Find some women friends and go out. Don't ask for hubby's opinion or approval. Or go alone to some event you want to go to. You will be gradually building up the muscles of separation and boundaries and moving away from codependency. 

 

[paralysisbyanalysis]

A couple of months later.....a lot has happened. 

At the end of January we finally started construction on a remodel. Since I work from home, I decided it would be a good time to go to my friends in Idaho and get some space to consider what I've been feeling.  While away, I was more and more certain that not being married was what I wanted. 

When I came home a couple weeks ago, I told my husband that I didn't feel as though I was sure I wanted to stay married. He absolutely does not want this. Within the last 2 weeks he has bent over backward to show me he cared.  He sold a few toolboxes he had told me 3 years ago he would sell to show me he could follow through on the things he says he will do, and took me on an overnight date to try and provide us with a little privacy. He coordinated a family counseling apt, he coordinated an individual counseling apt., he finally followed up with the contractor, hired an electrician, plumber and landscaper.....While these things were and are appreciated, I was almost more angry that he could do it when I was finally ready to walk away (again) and choose myself and not all these years I have been practically begging him to do these things. 

There was discussion around the fact that in addition, I feel like I am missing an emotional connection in our relationship and that upon reflection this is something I feel has been missing for a long time (My husband has stated that he does not know how to deal with emotions) I told him that at this time I no longer feel like I can continue a relationship without the emotional connection. 
He asked me if I would consider marriage counseling and initially I said I didn't think so as we did marriage counseling about 8 years ago weekly, for about a year and I don't feel that he took it seriously and I don't feel as though it helped. 

I told him that I would like to see him do some individual counseling first to address his lack of emotional maturity. Later, after discussing with my own individual therapist I decided I would go ahead and attend a counseling session with him (arranged by him) as if nothing else, I hope it will assist us in making a final decision and if it is divorce that we can do so amicably. 

We had our first co session last week and there was a lot to talk about.  Most of it was around two major topics. Infidelity (on both parts) and our daughter's mental health crises that left me feeling extremely alone in dealing with it.  The counselor asked if she could meet with us separately. We had those sessions this week. Through talking to her and to my own individual therapist I am realizing that there has been SO much that we need to address from the very beginning that now I feel glad to go to these sessions.  

Even if it still ends in divorce, I know now that we will both be able to make the right decision once everything that should have been addressed for years is said and discussed.  

Right now I am at my parents house, housesitting for them while they are on a 2 week trip. I am grateful for the time to reflect and journal and make notes about what needs to be brought up. My husband is going to come for a few days next week so we can have some time to talk but otherwise I intend to spend the time alone in my own thoughts and reflections. (except for maybe dinner with my aunt and cousins a couple nights perhaps)  

[Will am I]

I came into this topic only now. 

The first thing I noticed when I read your opening post is the timeline. Together with your husband since the age of 16 and you must be about 42 now.

My impulsive reaction would be this: it seems 100% natural that you would seek to redefine your relationship. 

This age is so transformative for so many people, perhaps even more for women than for men. The children get older and more independent, there is more room for yourself, and for some couples also the financial possibilities are greater than they used to be before the long phase when the kids defined the family life.

I find it natural that a period of change is also a period of reflection about your personal goals. 

I would assert it from a man’s perspective. Your husband needs to redefine himself as a partner to the new version of you, or he needs to accept his loss.

 

[spiritedaway2003]

Another way to think about this....

You're at a crossroads where you can either decide to grow together.  If that's not viable, then you will grow apart (and lead to divorce). 

By the way, dealing with a child's mental health issues is a lot for a person (think: caretaker), so you needed that support.  Not getting that support by your husband to take it seriously (when it is a serious matter) no doubt contributed to the resentments.   Something to think about. 

On his not being the breadwinner, he did have a job and come home at your request so it's hard to resent him for that (for doing what you asked).  Not every couple deals with one person being the SAHM/D well because it does put pressure on the breadwinner.  So now you're in a place where he's home 24/7 and you're thinking he's not productive.  If he could go back to work, maybe you can ask that he can go back to work to contribute to the household financially.  That way, you're not dealing with all the stress.  Even if he goes back part time, that may help. You can both work on the remodel.

If there were infidelity on both sides, that would be something that should be talked about and addressed --- rebuilding takes years.  Work in IC to see if that is contributing to how you're feeling in terms of the rut, or if you have both truly forgiven each other for it.  It's a lot to work through but it sounds like the counseling is providing a pathway to more honest conversations, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.  Good luck.

[S2B]

Why don’t you have him go back to work and hire some care for your child? Get the remodel started again too.

I don’t understand why people think things will get better when they don’t implement changes that will make it different.

his income can provide the care - and the work on the house could get done without him getting in the way.

Edited March 27, 2023 by S2B

[mark clemson]

"Infidelity on both parts" - apologize if I'm harping on this particular point, but I suppose if that's the case you can see why he might be hesitant to "let" you travel overseas to visit male friends. It's too bad he's unable/unwilling to go with you, since if he were along it might be a nice vacation for both of you.

People change over time, and perhaps you're no longer right for each other. It does seem like perhaps he no longer brings much to the relationship (from your perspective at least)? That's not a suggestion to divorce, just noting an apparent fact. Him never wanting to leave the house suggests to me a possible mental health issue. For example depression, among other things, might dovetail with this.

It's nice that you're giving counseling a shot, hopefully that combined with the "kick in the shins" of the potential prospect of divorce is enough to stimulate change, so that you can both be reasonably happy again.

[Will am I]

45 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

People change over time, and perhaps you're no longer right for each other

I think the “change” is a huge factor in this age group.

No longer right for eachother is one possible outcome, although it doesn’t need to end this way. 

Rediscovering eachother as romantic partners and redefining the relationship is also possible.

My wife and I are in our 40s and we went through a major low in out marriage. There were times when I was one step short of walking out. Now I give the “rediscover, redefine” outcome a really high probability. 

[S2B]

Complacency gets you the same outcome.

if nothing changes = nothing changes.

IF you want change you’ll need to do the changing for yourself.

[paralysisbyanalysis]

On 3/27/2023 at 10:52 AM, S2B said:

Why don’t you have him go back to work and hire some care for your child? Get the remodel started again too.

I don’t understand why people think things will get better when they don’t implement changes that will make it different.

his income can provide the care - and the work on the house could get done without him getting in the way.

He is looking to go back to work, due to physical limitations and pain he has though, he can't do the same work as before and so now he is looking at going back to school yet again.  I set him up with an account to explore some coding/development options that he can do from home to see if it's something he'd want to move forward with more traditional learning to build a career.  
Our children are at a point where they don't need a caregiver.  My daughter is now 19 and for the most part her mental health is much more stable.  My son is going to be 17 in June...... The remodel is in full swing and surprise - when I told him I didn't think I could stay with him anymore, take a guess at how productive he suddenly got. 

You don't have to talk to me about with no change - nothing changes. I have preached that to the choir for about 26 years now and the only time I tend to get any glimpse of change is when I threaten to walk out the door. 

[paralysisbyanalysis]

On 3/27/2023 at 11:17 AM, mark clemson said:

"Infidelity on both parts" - apologize if I'm harping on this particular point, but I suppose if that's the case you can see why he might be hesitant to "let" you travel overseas to visit male friends. It's too bad he's unable/unwilling to go with you, since if he were along it might be a nice vacation for both of you.

People change over time, and perhaps you're no longer right for each other. It does seem like perhaps he no longer brings much to the relationship (from your perspective at least)? That's not a suggestion to divorce, just noting an apparent fact. Him never wanting to leave the house suggests to me a possible mental health issue. For example depression, among other things, might dovetail with this.

It's nice that you're giving counseling a shot, hopefully that combined with the "kick in the shins" of the potential prospect of divorce is enough to stimulate change, so that you can both be reasonably happy again.

The infidelity on both parts was a long time ago, mine was in response to his. If anything I had a harder time forgiving his indiscretion than he did mine (his own words) And apologies for any misunderstanding, I am not intending to go overseas to visit a male friend..... she is a woman. My main reason for not wanting him to come with me is A. He wasn't invited. My friend invited me to visit and stay with her. She doesn't know my husband and it would be so rude in my opinion to basically invite my husband along to stay with too.  and B. it makes the trip twice as expensive. 

Just trying to take things day by day right now. My biggest concern is that we've been here before and he "changed" then too but it didn't last and now I don't trust that he can make long term consistent changes and I don't want to find myself here again in 8 years having given it yet another chance only to find myself in the exact same place later.   

[amerikajin]

You've been with each other since 16. Obviously, you have to decide for yourself whether your differences can be reconciled, but almost every relationship I know of that began in high school ended. There's just too much change that people go through and young couples often tend to 'gut through' some things when maybe they should just acknowledge that they're different people or that both have gone in very different directions in life.

[S2B]

The history of his behavior is who he IS.

expecting to stay if he changes = no. He’s proven it won’t last long term.

have you allowed him to understand it isn’t your intent to stay with him?