Husband accused me of sleeping with someone

[lber]

husband(32m) & I(27f) have been together for 3 years and very recently married (September 2022) and we are currently trying to get pregnant. I got a new job about 6 months ago at a really great company. My boss(45m) is a good guy overall but he can absolutely be inappropriate or flirty. He is like that with other people, not just me and sometimes buys gifts. He has taught me a lot, has helped me with my career, and mentored me. We have to go to surrounding counties a few times a month and have now went out of state a few times.

My husband was super supportive and excited for me at first, but the more he has gotten to know him or about him the more issues this is causing. At first I would tell my husband something he said or did and we would laugh about it or makes jokes. It is a problem between us that keeps getting worse. Recently we got back from a 2 day work trip, which already caused problems. My boss gave me a $500 gift card, this was after I got a Christmas bonus. When I got home I got my husband's wallet and out the card in it. He asked me what I was doing and I told him what it was. He started questioning me and it quickly escalated into a full blown fight. He asked me if I slept with him, which really hurt me. I eventually left and spent the night somewhere else. I don't know if he actually, possibly thinks I am sleeping with him or he said it in anger. We made up but there is tension between us that I can not stand. 

I would like to stay at this company at least 2-3 years. I am obviously never going to sleep with my boss which I thought was crystal clear. I am also not trying to belittle his feelings or get divorced. I look at it as a sacrifice that will pay off later. I don't think my boss is actually trying to sleep with me or would try anything physical, I think it is just his personality. I Don't want to talk to my friends or family about this. I don't want to put this in people's minds so I thought I would post online.

[basil67]

I'm never keen on accusing a partner of cheating, but the thing is, your boss's behaviour would give anyone pause.....and you're going away on work trips with a guy who acts like this.

What have you done to shut down the inappropriate behaviour of your boss?   

[lber]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm never keen on accusing a partner of cheating, but the thing is, your boss's behaviour would give anyone pause.....and you're going away on work trips with a guy who acts like this.

What have you done to shut down the inappropriate behaviour of your boss?   

If I get too uncomfortable I turn it back to work or something else. I remind him that I am married in a non confrontational way.

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, lber said:

If I get too uncomfortable I turn it back to work or something else. I remind him that I am married in a non confrontational way.

So you you haven't actively tried to shut it down.  I can see why your husband is distrustful.  

Frankly, a "good company" would not have a staff member (or owner?) who behaves in an unchecked, socially inappropriate manner. 

[lber]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you you haven't actively tried to shut it down.  I can see why your husband is distrustful.  

Frankly, a "good company" would not have a staff member (or owner?) who behaves in an unchecked, socially inappropriate manner. 

I have never had a direct conversation with him about this, no. I do shut things down sometimes though.

[basil67]

That's not nearly enough on your part. 

Is this guy the owner of the company?  If so, I'd resign.   Or if he's not the owner, then tell him that his behaviour is out of line and needs to stop.  Then document all interactions and report his behaviour to HR or the business owner.   We might have had to tolerate this kind of behaviour last century, but there's no excuse for it now.

 

[emotionallybroken9]

14 hours ago, lber said:

I have never had a direct conversation with him about this, no. I do shut things down sometimes though.

And there it is. 
 

see, it’s one thing to be flirtatious with everyone, it’s another thing when it gets to the point that an employee has to “shut down” things done by their employer. 
 

I’d be livid with you too. It’s the naïveté attitude of yours that’s infuriating. But, that said, a loooooot of people are like that too. That’s why they don’t see how they’re being groomed by people in positions of power over them: employers, presidents, coaches, teachers, etc. that’s why the story is usually about bosses and secretaries, teachers and students, coaches and athletes, etc. 

 

Does he give everyone a special $$$ gift card of the same value? Can you do the work not in close proximity of him? Do you feel that you don’t “want” to leave cuz you’re “making” good money? What will tell your husband if your boss one day, standing next to you, he leans in and kisses you. Sure, you instantly pushed him off. But, he still kissed you. So now your husband may say:

 

1) See! I told you! I didn’t trust that guy! Wtf!! How could this happen! Did he use tongue? What were you saying before? Show me your call logs! Omg how could this happen! Why baby! Why didn’t you listen! Everytime I wanna kiss you I just see his face now 🤬🤬🤬😭😭😭🤬😭😭. And NOW you decide to change jobs, after the damage is done to our marriage?? 
 

that’s just ONE possible scenario, lol. Lord knows it could get worse. 
 

anyways, tread carefully. Even if you don’t see it, everyone on this forum and your husband all see what your boss is doing. It’s inappropriate and it’s called grooming. Don’t let $$$ ruin your marriage. It’s seriously not worth it. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, lber said:

. My boss gave me a $500 gift card, When I got home I got my husband's wallet and out the card in it. 

It's unclear why you were in his wallet. Perhaps it's a matter of TMI and leaving work at work. You may be talking about him way too much. When you are home focus on your husband, not work or coworkers. 

[glows]

You could have politely declined the $500 gift card. Was there a reason why you accepted it? Say no, thanks next time or suggest he give it to one of his relatives and change the subject back to work. The problem is not just the inappropriate gifts but you not saying no. Anything outside of your paycheque and any bonus calculated based on whatever algorithm entitled to you is what you get as compensation, nothing more. If your boss thinks you deserve more put it in a raise.

I am also very sorry to hear your husband overreacted in such a way and you felt you had to leave the home. You don’t have to leave your job but more boundaries are certainly needed.

 

Edited January 5, 2023 by glows

[flitzanu]

so what is the real reason your husband believes you're actively sleeping with other men?  that seems pretty bold to presume that getting a $500 gift card means you received it in exchange for sex.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like husband got his insecurity triggered more than he really suspected you of cheating. 

The $500 card could easily trigger insecurity because it's personal right--not part of the bonus. Guy with power and lots of time with your wife gives wife money--personally! I'm actually thinking that gift card is a bad idea. One, a personal gift from a boss should be like $50 ... Now did this boss give everyone a $500 gift? If so, that matters and should matter to your husband. 

There is something weird to me  about getting a personal gift from a boss, as opposed to a company gift. There is something potentially slimy in giving a gift like this. Your boss slyly wins personal loyalty beyond and outside of just company loyalty. Be careful of this guy: if he breaks company rules he might feel you owe him to lie and cover up!

Now there are owners who hand out big bonuses. But even if those cases, there is often temptation for the owner to cross boundaries and inappropriately flirt and get involved with employees. 

The gift might not be a problem if your boss was a straight-up person with full integrity who refrained from flirting. Even in that situation, the boundaries (between personal and work) can get confused with a large gift. But given that this guy flirts, yeah, makes sense that hubby would be triggered.

Imagine your hubby had a flirty female boss who gave him a company bonus and then a $500 gift card from her own pocket.  I'm betting you'd be a bit more than curious. You'd immediately be on alert about what this woman-boss was up to with your hubby--as well you SHOULD!

I'm not saying husband should have accused you of cheating. He should have just shared his discomfort and fear about you getting a gift like that from a man like that. On the other hand. I'm not sure you're taking seriously the weirdness of a $500 personal gift from a flirty male boss. 

Husband should trust you, but you really need to validate that trust by taking seriously what's going on here. You might decide that keeping the gift is the right thing, but you gotta get serious about thinking and planning (out loud) how to block this boss from weaseling his way into your life. Saying "trust me, I wouldn't cheat on you" is woefully inadequate. Everyone says that before they get into trouble!

 

 

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, lber said:

My boss gave me a $500 gift card, this was after I got a Christmas bonus.

I would have politely declined the gift card, as it is a very inappropriate gift. I don’t know what kind of a company you work for but where I work, if this was reported to HR he would have a lot of explaining to do. 

You may have absolutely no intention of sleeping with your boss, but your husband is not wrong in his concern - IMHO. Aside from the fact that nothing physical has happened with the man, you have weak boundaries here and THAT is reason for concern. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, lber said:

If I get too uncomfortable I turn it back to work or something else. I remind him that I am married in a non confrontational way.

He is resting the limits, pushing your boundaries… this is a danger dance you are doing. 

Personally, I would report him to HR or look for another job. This guy sounds like a sleeze… I certainly wouldn’t want to be travelling alone with him. Not because my husband would be uncomfortable - because I would be uncomfortable. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He is testing the limits, pushing your boundaries… this is a dangerous dance you are doing. 

Ugh, I was surely distracted when I typed this - 

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

[Starswillshine]

13 hours ago, Bryanp said:

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

This is what I was going to say. 

 

If your husband had an attractive female boss who was always flirting with him.... and he had to travel with him often, how would you feel about it? 

[JTSW]

Your boss is most definitely grooming you and it's clear you enjoy the flirting and attention.

If you didn't, you would have officially shut it down the first time he did it.

You like that he flirts with you and gives you personal gifts.

I can totally understand why your husband is worried.

You just have to decide what's more important to you.

[MickeyBill]

IMO women who are older than 17 know how to divert, distract, shut down, ignore, stifle unwanted attention from men. It can be subtle disinterest "oh yeah, I got the card...thanks" , or active "my husband would wonder why you are giving me $500" or WTF "did every employee get $500?"

" he is a good guy overall but he can absolutely be inappropriate or flirty"  This is a problem, who is he flirty with? Where Is he in the management  hierarchy and what happened on the out of town trips...sales meetings with dinners? Looking at factories or checking products?

Is it only the two of you on the trips?

 

[salparadise]

Until someone finds a way to genetically neuter sexually suggestive/aggressive men, thereby altering the predispositions that populated the world, women are going to have to continue to navigate all types in order to be successful at work and in life.

If you report every guy who makes an innuendo or tells an off color joke to HR, I hope you like working in the mailroom. Sure, you can get people fired since there are policies of intolerance most places, but a smart woman isn't going to go nuclear if it can be dealt with in a less destructive way. Be smart. Don't give them the reward and the behavior will [usually] extinguish on its own. But at the same time you have to be sociable and get along with people to be successful. 

I think OP is handling it pretty well, she's just not setting the boundary far or high enough. About the gift card... we don't know if this was out of his pocket (I seriously doubt it), if he is a manager or the owner, or if others receive similar incentives occasionally. We go to work to make money, and more money is a good thing. If it were me I'd ask him to explain it, where it's coming from and what it's for. And if the answers were acceptable and no strings or expectation attached, take it. 

Managing the jealous husband... that's a tougher one. Under the circumstances I can see why he's jealous. It does appear that you're being groomed. Place the boundaries farther and higher, and don't tell the husband every time the guy tries to flirt. Play it straight and you won't have much to tell anyway. Let the husband know that you're keeping him at a distance.

Oh yea, what about those trips? Meals together at classy restaurants and stuff like that? 

[pepperbird2]

I’m not so sure your husband is jealous. Seems to me, he’s actually picking up on the”grooming” vibe this guy is giving out.

[GoldenR]

Honestly, based in what you've said here, I'd have already divorced you.  Bc if you're not shutting your boss down, you're encouraging it.  And if you're encouraging it, then you must like it. 

If my wife ever put her boss over me I'd be gone.  Your H is a very patient man. 

[lber]

I dont believe he actually thinks I was sleeping with him but said it out of anger. It is only the two of us a lot. He has given out smaller gifts to other people. My husband just can't stand him. We talked over the weekend and I am going to start looking for another job.

[Bryanp]

I believe that this is a very wise decision on your part.

[lber]

I have never had this good of a job or made more money and wish it could have worked. It has been an issue that has continued building since I started at this job. I never thought my husband would accuse me of sleeping with someone and didnt realize just how big of an issue this has been. I get that he doesn't like it. 

[MickeyBill]

2 hours ago, lber said:

I have never had this good of a job or made more money and wish it could have worked. It has been an issue that has continued building since I started at this job. I never thought my husband would accuse me of sleeping with someone and didnt realize just how big of an issue this has been. I get that he doesn't like it. 

I feel that your husband didn't really think that you were cheating but was very frustrated that you had, in his opinion a "work boyfriend" who saw more of you during the week than he did.  It is too bad the bosses boorish behaviour wrecked things but he will probably find another subordinate to cozy up to. Since "nobody wants to work anymore" (sarcasm) depending on your field you may be able to get the same salary at another company. 

Good luck