Was this coworker being intrusive asking me questions but trying to be 'welcoming' at the same time?

[Chloeflowers]

I started a new job 2 weeks ago; I'm working at a college in an office setting, so it was a week of introductions, getting to know each other, that sort of thing, also with a bunch of women in their mid 20's some older. It was chit chat-which didn't bother me too much-I shared some info about me-hobbies, pets, where I lived. What have you. During a zoom meeting with the others, one gal in particular said that she saw me and didn't get the chance to get to chat with me, so later in the week she came over to my desk and was talking to me, wanting to get to know more about me. First question that came out of her mouth was, where did I go to school at, she was probably wanted to know where I went to college, I told her that I did not go to college and have been working full time since then. She asked "what year" I graduated high school and I told her what year. She did the math. Seems like she was wanting to know my age. I'm 41. She was shocked and couldn't believe it, because I look young. Then she asked if I would mind if she went and told the entire department my age. Uh..wth? Who says that? I said, yeah I would mind. Then she said she's not going to tell ppl. Yeah, right. I bet she went around to the other gals and told them my age. How the hell is that even appropriate? There are other women in my dept that are at least older than me like 55, so why would she feel the need to tell people my age? Then she asked me all these questions about my family. How they are, how many siblings I have, if I had kids. It really pissed me off and she got under my skin. There are people that are genuine and not crossing boundaries with chit chat, but she really came across as a wannable-just talking to me kind of bully if you know what I mean.  And why would coworkers ask a new employee about their family? I know people share that at work but only voluntarily, I wouldn't get into someones face about age, and family. 

How would I dodge those types of questions? Cut them off and say I have to go to the bathroom or something? Pretend I have a phone call?  

[glows]

Yes, people will talk anyway. What’s important is you remain professional and steer the conversation back to work related items if you feel it’s going too far off course. 

It’s a new job and there are new faces and personalities. Keep things plain and cordial as you don’t know when you may need the help of someone at work. Keep your distance when it comes to very personal questions by changing the subject. Smile, ask them something polite and find out answers to any questions you have since it’s a new job. 

The focus is work so try not to be swept aside or disarmed too much by this. Enjoy the weekend and reset. Go back next week with a fresh mind.

[S2B]

You were not obligated to answer any of her intrusive questions.

you are there to do the work. You don’t need to provide your personal info.

If anyone asks again and you aren’t comfortable - you can answer with “I’ll share private info when I’m ready” or

“Why do you want to know?”

don’t ever answer questions if you don’t want to.

this gal is a busy body - stay away from her.

 

[Chloeflowers]

15 minutes ago, S2B said:

You were not obligated to answer any of her intrusive questions.

you are there to do the work. You don’t need to provide your personal info.

If anyone asks again and you aren’t comfortable - you can answer with “I’ll share private info when I’m ready” or

“Why do you want to know?”

don’t ever answer questions if you don’t want to.

this gal is a busy body - stay away from her.

 

Yeah, I thought it was pretty stupid she wanted to go around the dept to tell them how old I am. Who does that? That's not normal. I just find it irritating that coworkers feel the need to corner someone sitting at their desk as a way to get info out of them. Next time, I'm just going to get up and say that I have to use the bathroom to poop big time. 

[Chloeflowers]

Now I have another issue with another coworker. There is this guy that keeps talking to me, I get the feeling that he is somewhat interested in "getting to know me" me in that way. Like 2 days ago, he approached me and introduced himself to me, etc, etc. Normal, nothing too weird, now yesterday whenever he sees me standing around, he keeps having "small talk" with me like how my weekend went, etc, etc. I don't mind talking to coworkers about work related things, but I feel this guy is trying to come off as "friendly" because he is interested in me in that way. I had past experiences at jobs where this creepy guys that appeared friendly wanted something from me. Like at a previous job, I would say morning to security-like normal people do, then, he thought I was interested in him just because I spoke to him. I come to work to work , not make friends or find dates. There is no reason for me to talk to him because he is not a trainer, or does he supervise people. And there are other girls there that he could have his small talk with. It just irritates me when these type of guys try to hit on girls at work, feel like its a trap-because at work we have to be civil where if we saw these creep guys out in public we can just ignore them. Would it be a good idea to dodge him? I don't feel the need for me to tell him about how my weekend went.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Chloeflowers

[NuevoYorko]

Why not just be amiable and polite, and then excuse yourself and get on with your tasks?   This is actually similar to your other issue.  Both of these things are easily managed by yourself, simply by how you communicate with the person.  Try to figure this out.  You are new at this job and you are on track to making enemies.  I realize you don't want to interact in a personal way with anyone at your work, but I don't think you'll enjoy being actively disliked either.

[Alpacalia]

Treat each individual at work as a new face and try not to let past incidents control the present.

If you're not comfortable talking with co-workers excuse yourself and carry on with your day.

[Chloeflowers]

I think the best way is to give this guy that apparently has a crush on me the cold shoulder. Exactly what I did today. I was standing among a group during a meeting and I saw he came right by me to stand next to me-he was trying to get close to me-to "chat." I just left and went to the front of the group so that he couldn't talk to me. Also, throughout the day, I noticed he kept looking at me like he wanted me to make eye contact so that he can start a convo, I ignored him. I  don't feel violated by any of the only guys because they don't have small talk with me, which I'm fine. I don't care if they don't greet me. But as to why this guy at work doesn't talk to any of the new girls instead he talks to me, sets some red flags that he is a creeper. I have a gut feeling that he "likes" me. I don't want to keep greeting him or forced to have small talk with me-because its his way to weasel in on me to "gain" my trust and to ask me if I'm single. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry but it sounds like friendly banter. How are you equating him asking you about your weekend to anything beyond simply asking how your weekend was?

[Chloeflowers]

I see the way he checks me out, women know when guys are giving vibes

[La.Primavera]

I'm not going to deny your instincts might be on the money.  He might be one of those guys who gets very excited over having a new woman around.  I also understand the feelings you have been experiencing here. 

It can be hard when you start a new role.  You have to get used to a whole heap of new people, culture, and dynamics.  Until you feel more settled, you may feel more guarded or sensitive to the way people interact with you.  I think it is completely normal to feel a bit anxious about having your boundaries pushed, but in time you will feel more in control and confident dealing with these situations.  

It sounds like you have already figured out how to handle this guy in order to assert some boundaries.  I think it's good to make them early.  However, you might look back in six months and not feel as uncomfortable about his chatting because you'll be more settled by then and he will know what you will or won't put up with.  The same with that other coworker that was being nosy.

Things will get easier, just give it time.

[Alpacalia]

If you are uncomfortable, and he is a reasonable person, excuse yourself and limit your interactions to convey that you want to be acquaintances and co-workers and nothing more. If he is unable to accept that then it’s a little harder, but it shouldn’t become a burden for you to where you can’t exist at work in peace.

It’s not wrong for someone to like you, and he can respect your feelings on the matter. If he doesn't then that is the problem.

Don’t stress over that (if you feel he has a "crush" on you), all adults are responsible for themselves and part of being professional is not mixing their personal feelings with their job.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

I see the way he checks me out, women know when guys are giving vibes

Maybe it's best not to look in his direction giving him eye contact.  That way you won't know that he's looking at you.  Pretend he's invisible.  

[LuckyM]

Some workers just love to talk and talk. Nothing to be gained by encouraging her, as I see it.

Well, you could answer her by not answering with evasive or facetious comments.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" "What about you?" "I am a private person, and am a private.."

Turn it into a joke, without being cold or snippy. If you are well read, recite a quotation to her.

[Chloeflowers]

On 1/13/2023 at 8:50 AM, stillafool said:

Maybe it's best not to look in his direction giving him eye contact.  That way you won't know that he's looking at you.  Pretend he's invisible.  

Looks like he is not taking the hint. Like last week, I dodged him and didn't give him any eye contact, because I know he was looking my way in hopes that I would acknowledge from his viewpoint. Then yesterday, I was walking behind a coworker and he passed me and he said, "good morning" to me but not to the other coworker in front me. I ignored him and didn't look his way. Well later in the day we were put in groups of 6 and a trainer was training us on something new, I didn't make any eye contact with him throughout the whole time, I would think he would have taken the hint when I ignored him when he said good morning to me. But no, he spoke to me again this time asking me about the training while we were standing in the group. I had no choice but to give him a one word answer, when I gave him the word one answer, he laughed. This is really pissing me off, seriously. He isn't taking any social cues that people don't want to talk to him. Now, when I see that a person is dodging me, not greeting me back, not giving eye contact and giving one word liners, I take those hints and never talk to them again, b/c I know. At a previous job, a coworker and I would mingle and eat lunch with this other girl everyday, until one day she stopped eating with us. Everytime I would walk by her she would give me the cold shoulder, never making eye contact with me, just quit talking to me. I took the hint she didn't like me for whatever reason. But this creepy guys don't take hints very well, as if he thinks he's god gift to women and thinks every girl wants to talk to him. 

[stillafool]

Okay since this is really bothering you the next time just be rude and say, "I don't like to chat" and walk away.

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

Keeping him at arms length and ensuring you don’t end up alone with him sounds right to me.

There’s nothing you could take to HR at this point. You can’t really report a vague creepy feeling. But you do have that vague creepy feeling, and you should trust it.

You can say "I cannot chat during the workday so please stop."

And say it every time until he stops -- because if you're inconsistent about it, he'll probably keep trying.

[Chloeflowers]

I'm still fairly new at my job and this morning I had an issue with clocking in and out. I went to my supervisor's office greeted her good morning, and she looked at me and said good morning back, then made a comment, "I didn't recognize your voice, had to see who that was." Then small talk, I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words? Idk, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why say anything at all then? Also, another coworker that I met the other day-bluntly asked me, "Where did you come from?" I told her I'm from the city. Then she said, "I meant, what job did you have before?" I thought that was an odd question -where I come from. Usually if I want to know where someone worked before, I ask, where did you work before. Then later today, one of the gals, was eating breakfast and was saying something like, "I hungry." Like poking fun at herself for using bad grammar. 

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking this or are they mocking me that I'm not clear when I talk or ask questions about something? 

Edited February 18, 2023 by Chloeflowers

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Chloeflowers said:

I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words?

No.  It doesn't make sense.  You said she was addressing the "other gal."  So what makes you think that she is aiming it at you?  Is your name "Able"?  Regardless, the whole situation you've just described really doesn't make sense to me.  I believe your boss honestly misunderstood your question and did not want you to clock in early.  

How is it that you've been able to clock in up until now, if you weren't set up in the system today?  You've been there at least a month?

If there was

1 hour ago, Chloeflowers said:

 

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking this or are they mocking me that I'm not clear when I talk or ask questions about something? 

You sound incredibly touchy and looking for things to be offended about at your job.  Wouldn't your life be more enjoyable if you let go of some of this attitude?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

I'm still fairly new at my job and this morning I had an issue with clocking in and out. I went to my supervisor's office greeted her good morning, and she looked at me and said good morning back, then made a comment, "I didn't recognize your voice, had to see who that was." Then small talk, I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words? Idk, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why say anything at all then? Also, another coworker that I met the other day-bluntly asked me, "Where did you come from?" I told her I'm from the city. Then she said, "I meant, what job did you have before?" I thought that was an odd question -where I come from. Usually if I want to know where someone worked before, I ask, where did you work before. Then later today, one of the gals, was eating breakfast and was saying something like, "I hungry." Like poking fun at herself for using bad grammar. 

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking this or are they mocking me that I'm not clear when I talk or ask questions about something? 

Honestly, it sounds like you're picking apart conversations and imagining slights where there were none intended. In the second incident, your coworker worded her question badly and corrected herself.  No big deal.  And that you're using this as an example of them mocking you, I'm inclined to think that you're also overthinking your supervisors use of the word "able"

[glows]

14 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

I'm still fairly new at my job and this morning I had an issue with clocking in and out. I went to my supervisor's office greeted her good morning, and she looked at me and said good morning back, then made a comment, "I didn't recognize your voice, had to see who that was." Then small talk, I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words? Idk, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why say anything at all then? Also, another coworker that I met the other day-bluntly asked me, "Where did you come from?" I told her I'm from the city. Then she said, "I meant, what job did you have before?" I thought that was an odd question -where I come from. Usually if I want to know where someone worked before, I ask, where did you work before. Then later today, one of the gals, was eating breakfast and was saying something like, "I hungry." Like poking fun at herself for using bad grammar. 

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking this or are they mocking me that I'm not clear when I talk or ask questions about something? 

It’s not likely they’re making fun of you. It’s not uncommon either to feel insecure and unsure in a new role. 

They seem friendly and willing to help you. I’d put this aside for now and try making some small talk or work on being approachable and friendly so that others interact with you a bit more. It might put you at ease to know that no one thinks less of you the more you chat and interact with your colleagues. Keep your personal life to yourself and make comments on general topics for the most part. 

As long as you’re doing well or keeping up with your tasks, you’re doing fine. It’s also ok not to have all the answers. Not even long-tenured employees have all the answers. It takes time to build confidence working a new job. Give yourself more time.

[Chloeflowers]

Yeah, I guess I'm making a big deal out of it then. 

[beelightandlove]

On 2/17/2023 at 8:06 PM, Chloeflowers said:

I'm still fairly new at my job and this morning I had an issue with clocking in and out. I went to my supervisor's office greeted her good morning, and she looked at me and said good morning back, then made a comment, "I didn't recognize your voice, had to see who that was." Then small talk, I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words? Idk, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why say anything at all then? Also, another coworker that I met the other day-bluntly asked me, "Where did you come from?" I told her I'm from the city. Then she said, "I meant, what job did you have before?" I thought that was an odd question -where I come from. Usually if I want to know where someone worked before, I ask, where did you work before. Then later today, one of the gals, was eating breakfast and was saying something like, "I hungry." Like poking fun at herself for using bad grammar. 

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking this or are they mocking me that I'm not clear when I talk or ask questions about something? 

 

[Wiseman2]

It seems more like a learning curve as far as getting to know the workplace, people, general vibe and workplace culture. Try to let things roll off and just observe the workplace culture until you can figure out how they interrelate and function there. It's difficult to interpret anything when you're not yet that familiar with the way things work there.

[Chloeflowers]

Well, I had a one on one meeting with my supervisor and manager, I wasn't in trouble or anything, just to discuss polices, chat. Both of them pointed out that I'm quiet and asked if my coworkers were treating me "right." then went on to say that oh..that they were thinking it was just my personality and talked about how many introverts and extroverts there are in the dept. I work in the HR depart and I'm a file clerk. The job itself is pretty much filing, scanning, mundane/solitarily stuff.  I'm not a recruiter, receptionist, or trainer where I'm constantly talking to people 8 hours a day, requiring me to be outgoing, otherwise I would have never taken that file clerk job. It got under my skin that they said I was quiet, not sure why my supervisor even said that, seeing that I'm always engaging with her in conversation and we talked about stuff other than work. I'm cordial with people in the office and have small talk, but I don't go into my personal life. So what gives the "quiet" comment? Does she want me to go to everyone's cubicle and have a forced convo with people when the don't seem to want to engage with me? Why am I to blame? Its not my problem, if there are some ppl that don't want to chit chat with me. Also, she's always asking if I get up from my desk to chat with people, why the heck would I do that and bother ppl if they seem standoffish? None of them come over to chat with me.

Not sure what they want from me or how they want me to behave, be a class clown or something? Do they want me to quit? I don't know, this supervisor acts like she wants to be my best friend or something, and I'm not going to do that.