Author CleverGirl Posted January 2, 2023 Author Share Posted January 2, 2023 25 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Who’s paying for the future therapy visits? His insurance will cover everything going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 3 minutes ago, CleverGirl said: His insurance will cover everything going forward. That’s very good. Your desire to help him is commendable, truly. You have done exactly what you should do - get him help. Now, you have to let him do the work. And while he is doing his work, you have your own work to do as well. With your counsellor, turn the focus from him to you - how do you take care of yourself during this stressful time? How do you protect yourself by establishing some healthy boundaries? And, what are you willing to accept from your partner? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 On 12/30/2022 at 10:15 PM, CleverGirl said: I asked him how long he thinks he will need me to stay away and if it would be a few weeks or a few months and he said all he knew is it will be longer than a couple days. It's so scary to not know if my life as I knew it is over or if it might return back to normal. When this first started and he just shut off and wasn't talking to me much, I asked if he was cheating, and he said that that was the moment when he "fell out of love with me" because I "thought the worst when he was feeling bad." I am struggling a lot with feeling like this is my fault and I said and did the wrong things at the wrong time and I did this. I'm trying to understand why it's you who has to leave your home and not him. Does he own the house? Is this just the dynamic of your relationship? On 12/30/2022 at 10:26 PM, CleverGirl said: I am willing to do almost anything for him; I just don't know what the right things to do are or what to even expect. (...) I don't know the person he is right now and I am scared and confused. He keeps saying that I'm feeling it the most because I'm the person that's been closest to him for years. It's hard for me to just wait and hope. I wish I knew what my next steps should be and how I should be with him, but I know I need to get a therapist of my own and start figuring that out. Is he willing to do almost anything for you? Sorry, but saying that the behavior's directed at you because you're the closest to him is a bit self-serving. It sounds like an iteration of "I'm being hurtful to you because I love you." That's the sort of thing that could encourage a victim if abuse to stay and put up with more abuse. Don't just wait and hope. Start pouring more love and compassion into yourself. Be kind to yourself. You also have PTSD and depression, and what you're experiencing right now (the rejection, the silent treatment) could send you spiralling too. 9 hours ago, CleverGirl said: I think the hardest thing for me is that I seem to be the focus of his depression. He can't hug me back or say I love you or answer my questions. He can't even stand to video chat me and told me that he can only commit to texting me briefly, once a day (and I sit and wait desperately for these curt, one to three word texts). He isn't that way with anyone else, though; it's just me. He took his (22yo) daughter out to dinner and to look at Christmas lights while ignoring me. He talks to his dad and friends. He went to a party for 6 hours and everyone said he seemed fine. Last night, he had people over all day and all night and they slept over, and I could see him on our doorbell camera, setting off fireworks and laughing and joking with everyone in our front yard. I didn't even get a happy new year's text. (...) I put in a message to start seeing my old therapist again. I'm trying to take care of me as best I can too. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced things like this or if I'm missing something or I should be doing or not doing something that I'm not seeing... I have experienced behavior similar to this from a family member, not a romantic partner. The worst thing you can do in this set of circumstances is continue to remain as vulnerable as you are. So I strongly advise you to start figuring out living arrangements for yourself that are not dependent on his being able to stomach living in the same space as you. You need a place of your own. If you want to continue being with him, that's absolutely up to you, but make sure you also have your space because the odds of him doing this to you again are not low. Also, stop focusing so much on whether you're being a perfect partner to him and direct some of that compassion toward yourself. You have given him space as requested, and you have encouraged him to get help. That is the best that anyone who isn't a mental health professional can do for him right now. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 OP, you seem to have co-dependency issues. His problems are primarily his to solve. You don't have to do anything but take care of your mental health and your needs. The more you try the more he will disrespect you - that's just how it works. Don't contact him, don't ask anything of him, and don't hope something will change. He is using you as a "punching bag" when things are not going well in his life. Why do you accept this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CleverGirl Posted January 2, 2023 Author Share Posted January 2, 2023 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I'm trying to understand why it's you who has to leave your home and not him. Does he own the house? Is this just the dynamic of your relationship? Is he willing to do almost anything for you? Sorry, but saying that the behavior's directed at you because you're the closest to him is a bit self-serving. It sounds like an iteration of "I'm being hurtful to you because I love you." That's the sort of thing that could encourage a victim if abuse to stay and put up with more abuse. Don't just wait and hope. Start pouring more love and compassion into yourself. Be kind to yourself. You also have PTSD and depression, and what you're experiencing right now (the rejection, the silent treatment) could send you spiralling too. I have experienced behavior similar to this from a family member, not a romantic partner. The worst thing you can do in this set of circumstances is continue to remain as vulnerable as you are. So I strongly advise you to start figuring out living arrangements for yourself that are not dependent on his being able to stomach living in the same space as you. You need a place of your own. If you want to continue being with him, that's absolutely up to you, but make sure you also have your space because the odds of him doing this to you again are not low. Also, stop focusing so much on whether you're being a perfect partner to him and direct some of that compassion toward yourself. You have given him space as requested, and you have encouraged him to get help. That is the best that anyone who isn't a mental health professional can do for him right now. He owns his home and I own my home. We both have separate finances and always have. He spends money a lot more freely than I ever have, he pays most of both of his adult children's bills and expenses while they laze about and do drugs, and my home is worth five times what his is and is almost paid off, so I was never particularly eager to combine our finances and we've never had any fights about money or anything like that. He never wants to legally remarry, and that was okay with me (except in this situation, where it's a lot easier for him to disregard me and not go to couple's counseling and I have less pull with him than I think I would have as a wife with combined assets). Our plan was for me to sell my home and buy a lot and build us a new home in the area we wanted to live in while he rented out his home (and only my name would be on the new home as it would be my funds purchasing it). He owns the house that he asked me to leave, but I've furnished and decorated that house, so it is full of mostly my things. I don't care about the things, though; I care about our two cats and him and our life together. If our relationship completely falls apart, my current plan is still to sell my current home and move to the area that I wanted to move to. Is he willing to do almost anything for me... obviously not right now, but he is having a major depressive episode. He has been wonderful to me for most of the past 8 years, though. I am trying to get myself back into therapy and am with my family now and just bought a new pair of running shoes. I'm trying to focus on doing good, healthy things for myself during this as well, as you said <3. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CleverGirl Posted January 2, 2023 Author Share Posted January 2, 2023 17 minutes ago, Stret said: OP, you seem to have co-dependency issues. His problems are primarily his to solve. You don't have to do anything but take care of your mental health and your needs. The more you try the more he will disrespect you - that's just how it works. Don't contact him, don't ask anything of him, and don't hope something will change. He is using you as a "punching bag" when things are not going well in his life. Why do you accept this? I don't think I have codependency issues; I think I'm trying to work out what has happened in a previously happy, healthy, serious relationship of 8 years as my partner has a depressive episode and shuts me out for the first time in 8 years. I think it's okay for me to have questions and look for support and try to figure things out. I think it's okay for me to be worried and for me to want to do the right things for both of us during this awful time. I can take care of myself and my needs and still care about my partner and want to do the right things by him. He is going through a depressive episode and I am not. He treated me well for 8 years before this. He is not acting like himself and he isn't capable of acting like himself... He did ask me to leave and did ask for space, though, and I have given that. I left and haven't called or texted him. I reply to his texts when he says something to me, but don't get into anything heavy. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 It's been a couple of weeks now. I think you need to at least be thinking about how long you are going to stay on hold for him. My guy had a little break down several months ago and he told me he didn't think he could be a boyfriend or make me a priority right now. It was the first time in three years he had done that. At the same time he was distancing himself from everyone else in his life as well. I was shocked but immediately started preparing myself that it was over and I would have to work through that. Within a few days he was back to me. I've left him with extra space and lately we've seen each other more than ever (most days/nights of the week) because he seeks me out. I'm still left with the memory of how those 48 hours felt though and that ensures that I focus on my own well-being. I don't want to feel that shock again. He knows I'm always here for him, but there's only so much I can do, no matter how much I love him, and it has to be when he wants my help. He's got to work his own things out. I completely understand you wanting to remain available and there for him, 8 years is a significant investment and it would be surprising if you could just walk away. But don't let him have too much control over your life right now. Don't wait on him to decide he wants things back the way they were. Make sure you really are taking care of yourself first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 On 12/30/2022 at 4:39 AM, CleverGirl said: Is there something that I should be doing that I'm not? You are already doing what he asked and that's really all you can do. If he knows you are there when he needs you then all you need to do is wait and take care of yourself. I can assure you that he didn't just instantly fall out of love with you like he said. Depression can skew your way of thinking. Just give him the space and time he needs to gather himself again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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