Depressed partner pushing me away

[CleverGirl]

I'm feeling really lost and confused and I'm hoping that someone can weigh in on what is happening in my life right now and give me some advice.

My partner and I both have PTSD (his service-related and mine from being sex trafficked as a child) and we both have had rough childhoods.  In spite of that, we've had what has been a magical and healing relationship to me.  We've been together for 8 years and he's my best friend and the only person that I've ever been in love with, the only person who has ever made me really happy.  I'm 35 and he is 46.  We've been so close the past 8 years, sharing everything and just having a wonderful time.  He met me coming out of a 19-year marriage where his wife had been having an affair with another man for over 10 years and he found out that she was planning to leave him and take all of their assets to support this other man.  That understandably messed him up and there's been conflict with her as they also share two children together, but it mostly didn't affect our relationship and I was always surprised at how well adjusted he was, all things considered.

2 months ago, my partner suddenly changed after a fight with his ex about sending their son to college (even though he was paying for school, she wouldn't support the son going back to school because she didn't want the son to quit his job to study because she relies on him paying half of her bills).  My partner has a history of getting angry at his ex and taking it out on me, but usually it's just that he might get frustrated and yell at me once and then it is over, he apologizes, and we go back to normal.  This time, he started finding fault with things that I was doing and getting angry at me for things that didn't even happen and that I didn't say.  When I'd prove to him that I never said what he was accusing me of, he would just shrug and say he made a mistake.  It was like he was getting confused and making up reasons to blame me for his feelings and his frustrations with his ex and he just kept spiraling.

A couple weeks ago, he started telling me that he's very depressed and numb and that he feels nothing when he looks at me, and he stopped telling me that he loves me because he said he feels nothing and doesn't want to lie to me.  I started crying all of the time because it's like the person that I was in love with, my best friend, was suddenly gone, replaced by someone who stares at me coldly and "cannot care about" me.  There was just suddenly zero warmth and I could ask him a question or hug him and he wouldn't acknowledge me at all.  He finally told me that he wanted me to go and stay with my sister so that he could sort out his head and said that he can't sort out anything when I am around upset and crying all the time.  I found him a therapist and he went to the first session and is scheduling another, while I left to stay with my sister.

I just don't know what to do with myself.  I feel displaced from the home that we've shared and created together and I feel like I always say or do the wrong thing.  I feel like I'm standing on the edge of losing everything that matters to me and the life that we were so excited about having together just a couple months ago.  I'm afraid that he's depressed now and going to throw away everything and then when he starts to feel better, we will have destroyed everything and won't be able to get it back.  I believe him that he is suffering from depression and that he feels numb.  It's just hard to accept that he went from being madly in love with me to feeling nothing for me in the blink of an eye.  I don't want to lose him, but I feel like I make him anxious the more I try to hold on and demand attention and for things to be back to normal.  He went from being someone who has always been extremely physically affectionate (always a hand on me, always hugging and kissing) to someone who stands stiff as a board while I hug them.  I haven't coped well with these changes and I'm extremely sad and lonely.

I'm afraid that I failed to be supportive in the right ways and failed to understand things and it's already too late.  He says he's going to work on himself and that we aren't breaking up yet, but that makes me even more scared, like I'm just waiting for him to give up on me and our relationship entirely.

Is there anything that I can do or should be doing in this situation where my partner is depressed and pulling away?  Is there something that I should be doing that I'm not?  Is there any hope for this situation or am I fooling myself?  Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[FMW]

Depression and other mental health issues can make those suffering from them seem selfish and insensitive at times.  They can feel so overwhelmed with what they are experiencing that they just don't have the capacity to consider anyone else at times.  Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, this is something he has to handle himself.  Don't push, give him space. You've done all you can by letting him know you love him and by helping with setting up therapy.  

Prioritize yourself and your needs.  Do what you need to do to maintain your own mental health and focus your energy on things that make you happy. If you legally share rental or ownership of the home you moved out of at his request that he still lives in, protect your interests and don't stay in limbo at your sister's place waiting for his situation to change while he stays in the home.  

The man I've been involved with for over 3 years suffers from depression, anxiety and ADHD.  When his prescribed drugs aren't being taken properly things can be challenging, even though we don't live together.  At times I see him struggling and want very badly to be able to make everything better for him.  But I can't.  It's something he has to do on his own.  When I give him space and focus on my own things he's the one seeking me out because I'm not adding to any stress or pressure he feels.

Every situation is different though, so mine or anyone else's experiences may not be the same as what you are dealing with.  If you haven't already, consider talking to a counselor yourself to get insight into how to help yourself right now.  

[glows]

3 hours ago, CleverGirl said:

 My partner has a history of getting angry at his ex and taking it out on me, but usually it's just that he might get frustrated and yell at me once and then it is over, he apologizes, and we go back to normal.  This time, he started finding fault with things that I was doing and getting angry at me for things that didn't even happen and that I didn't say.  When I'd prove to him that I never said what he was accusing me of, he would just shrug and say he made a mistake.  It was like he was getting confused and making up reasons to blame me for his feelings and his frustrations with his ex and he just kept spiraling.
 

Yes, some of us have experienced similar but no one can help you unless you’re willing to help yourself and decide how far you’re willing to go or suffer for someone you care about.

I empathize with you but I am also horrified for you. He has a history of yelling or taking things out on you, blaming you for things you’ve not done. You’re always on alert and have to watch your back. If you’re not defending yourself, you’re crying and confused. I’d ask myself why I ever stayed the first time around when that happened and why you’re continuing to put up with that kind of verbal or emotional abuse from someone else. It really does not matter why he’s doing it. That behaviour is present in your life and you’ve been tolerating it for so long it may have been normalized.

You also mention you have PTSD and perhaps it’s become common for you to live in constant high alert and dysfunction. Having been abused and sex trafficked you’re also more vulnerable to abusive relationships and continuing that cycle.

You’re now displaced with no home and experiencing not just a traumatizing disruption to your own life, you have no answers as to when this will end or why any of this is happening. I would imagine this being destabilizing, hurtful and it’s questionable whether a relationship can recover from this. 

Use the time rethink things and how you’ve viewed the relationship up until now. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by glows

[CleverGirl]

13 hours ago, FMW said:

Depression and other mental health issues can make those suffering from them seem selfish and insensitive at times.  They can feel so overwhelmed with what they are experiencing that they just don't have the capacity to consider anyone else at times.  Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, this is something he has to handle himself.  Don't push, give him space. You've done all you can by letting him know you love him and by helping with setting up therapy.  

Prioritize yourself and your needs.  Do what you need to do to maintain your own mental health and focus your energy on things that make you happy. If you legally share rental or ownership of the home you moved out of at his request that he still lives in, protect your interests and don't stay in limbo at your sister's place waiting for his situation to change while he stays in the home.  

The man I've been involved with for over 3 years suffers from depression, anxiety and ADHD.  When his prescribed drugs aren't being taken properly things can be challenging, even though we don't live together.  At times I see him struggling and want very badly to be able to make everything better for him.  But I can't.  It's something he has to do on his own.  When I give him space and focus on my own things he's the one seeking me out because I'm not adding to any stress or pressure he feels.

Every situation is different though, so mine or anyone else's experiences may not be the same as what you are dealing with.  If you haven't already, consider talking to a counselor yourself to get insight into how to help yourself right now.  

I am trying to give him space and not text or call and just let him come to me when he is ready, but I am terrified that my absence will just make him call it quits on me and the relationship entirely or that he will later hold it against me that I wasn't supportive enough or in the right way.  I'm having a hard time figuring out what is enough or what is right.  I'm even beating myself up for leaving in the first place, even though he asked me to.  I asked him how long he thinks he will need me to stay away and if it would be a few weeks or a few months and he said all he knew is it will be longer than a couple days.  It's so scary to not know if my life as I knew it is over or if it might return back to normal. 

When this first started and he just shut off and wasn't talking to me much, I asked if he was cheating, and he said that that was the moment when he "fell out of love with me" because I "thought the worst when he was feeling bad."  I am struggling a lot with feeling like this is my fault and I said and did the wrong things at the wrong time and I did this.

I am definitely going to start seeing a therapist again for myself because this is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and that is saying a lot.  I feel very blindsided and like I lost my best friend, my future, my life as I knew it, and everything I was hoping for...

[CleverGirl]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, some of us have experienced similar but no one can help you unless you’re willing to help yourself and decide how far you’re willing to go or suffer for someone you care about.

I empathize with you but I am also horrified for you. He has a history of yelling or taking things out on you, blaming you for things you’ve not done. You’re always on alert and have to watch your back. If you’re not defending yourself, you’re crying and confused. I’d ask myself why I ever stayed the first time around when that happened and why you’re continuing to put up with that kind of verbal or emotional abuse from someone else. It really does not matter why he’s doing it. That behaviour is present in your life and you’ve been tolerating it for so long it may have been normalized.

You also mention you have PTSD and perhaps it’s become common for you to live in constant high alert and dysfunction. Having been abused and sex trafficked you’re also more vulnerable to abusive relationships and continuing that cycle.

You’re now displaced with no home and experiencing not just a traumatizing disruption to your own life, you have no answers as to when this will end or why any of this is happening. I would imagine this being destabilizing, hurtful and it’s questionable whether a relationship can recover from this. 

Use the time rethink things and how you’ve viewed the relationship up until now. 

I am willing to do almost anything for him; I just don't know what the right things to do are or what to even expect. 

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this to me.  It is very traumatic for me and I have been asking myself that same question (whether a relationship can recover from this).  When he first told me that he no longer felt anything and he looked at me and was just numb and he stopped saying I love you, I thought to myself that I would never recover from that because how do you trust someone who can love you and plan a life with you one minute and then the next minute, there is nothing there, because they are so trapped inside their own head.  On the other hand, I am telling myself that this is a mental problem that he cannot control and I cannot hold it against him.

I have never experienced anything like this, though.  I have had my mental health struggles, but I have always put on a smile and taken care of my loved ones and dealt with my hurt on the inside.  I still love people and care about them when I am depressed.  Most people cannot even tell when I am depressed.  I don't understand a depression where someone stops loving people and cannot stand to be around the people that they love.  I don't understand him looking at me sobbing and begging and feeling nothing for me when he used to be someone who would notice and try to soothe me if I even looked slightly worried or concerned.  I don't know the person he is right now and I am scared and confused.  He keeps saying that I'm feeling it the most because I'm the person that's been closest to him for years.

It's hard for me to just wait and hope.  I wish I knew what my next steps should be and how I should be with him, but I know I need to get a therapist of my own and start figuring that out.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

I am terrified that my absence will just make him call it quits on me and the relationship entirely

If that’s the case, then you are not meant to be together.

You are not abandoning him - you are doing as he asked, and you are taking care of yourself right now. 

9 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

or that he will later hold it against me that I wasn't supportive enough or in the right way.

If he does this, then that is a sure sign that you need to leave the relationship because this is not a healthy behavior in a relationship. He is not a healthy partner for you. 

11 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

When this first started and he just shut off and wasn't talking to me much, I asked if he was cheating, and he said that that was the moment when he "fell out of love with me" because I "thought the worst when he was feeling bad." 

This is called gaslighting - he is turning the focus and the blame to you. You asked what a question that any woman might ask a who’s partner was turning away from the relationship. And guarantee, he did not “fall out of love with you” because you asked if he was cheating. He may have been hurt, but this would not cause a man to suddenly fall out of love with a woman - his feelings would have to be pretty fickle. As you know, there is much more going on here…

 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

On the other hand, I am telling myself that this is a mental problem that he cannot control and I cannot hold it against him.

No, he can not control this but having lived this experience, you need to ask yourself whether he is still a safe partner for you. The answer will depend on whether he gets help and works to recover himself, and how much you are willing to risk/trust that this will not happen again. Both of those things seem unlikely to me, in this moment. You should begin to prepare yourself for the possibility that this may be the end of this relationship. 

11 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

It's hard for me to just wait and hope.  I wish I knew what my next steps should be

Your next step is to get yourself a good counsellor, and find support. All you can do is wait and hope, this is his problem to solve. In the meantime, you can work on your own mental health, develop your own coping skills, and begin to assess whether this is a relationship that you want - given these new circumstances. It’s unlikely that life will return “to normal” for either of you, this experience will be a lot to heal. 

Take care of yourself. If you need help, continue to reach out. Best wishes. 

[glows]

58 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

I am willing to do almost anything for him; I just don't know what the right things to do are or what to even expect. 

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this to me.  It is very traumatic for me and I have been asking myself that same question (whether a relationship can recover from this).  When he first told me that he no longer felt anything and he looked at me and was just numb and he stopped saying I love you, I thought to myself that I would never recover from that because how do you trust someone who can love you and plan a life with you one minute and then the next minute, there is nothing there, because they are so trapped inside their own head.  On the other hand, I am telling myself that this is a mental problem that he cannot control and I cannot hold it against him.

I have never experienced anything like this, though.  I have had my mental health struggles, but I have always put on a smile and taken care of my loved ones and dealt with my hurt on the inside.  I still love people and care about them when I am depressed.  Most people cannot even tell when I am depressed.  I don't understand a depression where someone stops loving people and cannot stand to be around the people that they love.  I don't understand him looking at me sobbing and begging and feeling nothing for me when he used to be someone who would notice and try to soothe me if I even looked slightly worried or concerned.  I don't know the person he is right now and I am scared and confused.  He keeps saying that I'm feeling it the most because I'm the person that's been closest to him for years.

It's hard for me to just wait and hope.  I wish I knew what my next steps should be and how I should be with him, but I know I need to get a therapist of my own and start figuring that out.

I would try to figure out what your limits are. You may have none or very few as you describe you’ll do almost anything for him. While you stay in this relationship your needs aren’t being met and you’re upset with your world upside down. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 12/29/2022 at 11:39 PM, CleverGirl said:

.  It was like he was getting confused and making up reasons to blame me for his feelings and his frustrations with his ex and he just kept spiraling.

?

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you were in an abusive relationship if he displaces rage on you. Throws you out and continues to create chaos and turbulence in your life.

Ultimately you're in the right place moving out and staying with family.

Focus on getting your life back together apart from him. Once you're out of the fog, you'll feel better.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[FMW]

On 12/29/2022 at 10:39 PM, CleverGirl said:

My partner has a history of getting angry at his ex and taking it out on me, but usually it's just that he might get frustrated and yell at me once and then it is over, he apologizes, and we go back to normal.  This time, he started finding fault with things that I was doing and getting angry at me for things that didn't even happen and that I didn't say.  When I'd prove to him that I never said what he was accusing me of, he would just shrug and say he made a mistake.  It was like he was getting confused and making up reasons to blame me for his feelings and his frustrations with his ex and he just kept spiraling.

This is separate and apart from any mental health issues he may have.  No matter how much difficulty my guy has ever had with mental health issues he has never been unkind or harsh with me.  

Don't excuse this behavior.  

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

This is separate and apart from any mental health issues he may have.  No matter how much difficulty my guy has ever had with mental health issues he has never been unkind or harsh with me.  

Don't excuse this behavior.  

In many cases, depression expresses as anger.  It's not an excuse.  A person in the throes of a mood disorder is often not in great control over how they express their emotions.  Again - not an excuse, just an explanation.  Bottom line:  people who are having mental health issues are often in NO place to be functioning in a relationship.   Unfortunately there is sometimes no way to support them at the same time as taking care of yourself well.  

[CleverGirl]

I am not blaming him for being depressed and irrational right now or saying that he is overall abusive and our relationship is overall bad.  We've been together for 8 years and this is the first time this has happened, which is why it has shocked and hurt me so badly.  I understand that bad mental health issues can come out like this and get heaped on to the person closest to the person who is suffering.  I understand that in my head, but not so much in my heart.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I seem to be the focus of his depression.  He can't hug me back or say I love you or answer my questions.  He can't even stand to video chat me and told me that he can only commit to texting me briefly, once a day (and I sit and wait desperately for these curt, one to three word texts).  He isn't that way with anyone else, though; it's just me.  He took his (22yo) daughter out to dinner and to look at Christmas lights while ignoring me.  He talks to his dad and friends.  He went to a party for 6 hours and everyone said he seemed fine.  Last night, he had people over all day and all night and they slept over, and I could see him on our doorbell camera, setting off fireworks and laughing and joking with everyone in our front yard.  I didn't even get a happy new year's text.

I can't quite understand why his feeling nothing and needing to hurt someone has fallen solely on me.  Our relationship was the best it's ever been right before this started.  We cleared up our lingering communication issues and he told me that he was amazed that a few little adjustments and "deciding to just be a better man" had such a huge impact on me and our relationship and both of our moods...

It's like when he got depressed because of the fight with his ex and his son, he threw out everything with me, specifically, and I somehow became the villain.  When I've been nothing but loving, supportive, and loyal for 8 years and I've always taken care of him and put him first...  

I put in a message to start seeing my old therapist again.  I'm trying to take care of me as best I can too.  I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced things like this or if I'm missing something or I should be doing or not doing something that I'm not seeing...

[glows]

This isn’t about depression and it’s evident in the way he’s able and willing to enjoy time with friends and family. He is withdrawing from you and doesn’t want to be around you. We don’t know why he needs to distance himself from you but from what you’re saying, it has something to do with his ex and child from his previous relationship. 

It’s good that you’re looking for support from your therapist. Those blinders need to be lifted off. It’s not about depression and it isn’t the first time he’s lashed out at you or blamed you for the way he feels. He keeps dragging you along in this painful relationship because you’re available and willing to put up with it - few would. 

The focus is so much on his so-called depression and not enough focus on your mental health and feelings of confusion and hopelessness.

Look for clarity and regardless of what the origin of his behaviours are, you need to make an objective decision for yourself whether you can continue living in limbo and constantly hurt. Think about this for a second - there is a life out there where you aren’t living in constant pain or in a dysfunctional relationship. 

Another thing to note - his ex and child will always be in his life. Those are his family ties and if he hasn’t resolved those issues from his past are you going to keep having to look over your shoulder and worry about him being triggered and throwing you out of your home again? You’re displaced and in pain.

Do you expect yourself to rest easy after this even if he does act like he’s ok or says he wants you to move back in?

Edited January 1, 2023 by glows

[BaileyB]

I agree with glows entirely. 

He has a complicated history of mental health issues - I’m not going to say that he is not depressed but I’m certainly not going to accept his self-diagnosis, particularly because severe depression is a pervasive disorder that affects all aspects of one’s life - it’s not directed at one person. 

He does have a history to taking out his feelings and frustrations on you - particularly as it relates to troubles with his ex and his son. This, to me, is another example of displaced anger from a man who lacks coping skills/uses very mal-adaptive coping skills. 

My advice to you is to turn the focus from him to yourself. With the help of your counsellor, you need to decide what you want for your life and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. 

 

Edited January 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, CleverGirl said:

We've been together for 8 years and this is the first time this has happened

This isn’t actually the first time this has happened though, this is just the first time that he has withdrawn from you and displaced you from your home. This is the first time that it has been this extreme, but based on your first post this is a pattern of behavior. 

You really do have to ask yourself if you will be able to trust that this will not happen again, should he decide to continue in this relationship and ask you to move home again. What does he have to do to demonstrate that he is able/willing to change this pattern of behavior? As glows says, his ex and his son are a part of his life so you can expect something like this to happen again. And, if not this stress, there will inevitably be other stressors…

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, CleverGirl said:

I'm missing something or I should be doing or not doing something that I'm not seeing...

Yes what you're missing is self respect.  When someone treats you the way this guy does you leave them.  He resents you and isn't in love with you.  Leave him and find a man who wants you.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes what you're missing is self respect.  When someone treats you the way this guy does you leave them. 

I agree with this. I know it’s not what you want to hear right now OP, but it’s really true.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry OP, but I don't think for a moment this is all down to an episode of depression. 

Something is really off with this entire situation, and you seem to know that even if it's hard to admit to yourself. Instead, I think your instinct was bang-on when you questioned if there is someone else. My gut would be telling me there is a third party somewhere and he's hiding a lot from you. 

 

[CleverGirl]

The past 2 months have been bad and confusing and he says he is depressed, but the previous years were not bad.  We were very happy and close and spent every day of 8 years together until this happened.  I don't think I have zero self-respect because I want to try to salvage an 8 year relationship that was previously extremely happy, healthy, close and loving.  He has snapped at me a couple times when his ex-wife did horrible things to him and he was frustrated, but he apologized afterwards and I'm not going to say that an entire person and a relationship is garbage because someone got frustrated a couple times.  I've gotten frustrated a couple times over 8 years too.  I merely brought that up because his ex is a thing that triggers him and what seems to have brought on this depressed episode. 

I think it would be strange of me if my partner told me he's depressed and going to therapy and I just walked away and said screw it all.  I think I'm allowed to hope that he will go to therapy and I will go to therapy and then we can go to couple's therapy and heal from this and be better prepared in the future.  That IS what I am hoping for.  I'm not so eager to throw away 8 happy years and our home and our life together as it seems like some of the people here would like me to be, but that is okay.  I realize that things are stacked against us because depression often makes a person feel like they're not in love anymore and that their person would be better off without them.  I hope that he will beat what is going on in his own head and that we can recover from this.

When I left, my partner told me that he was going to keep the last letter I wrote him on his desk and read it every day, that we weren't breaking up and we were still together, that he was going to fix my closet the next time I come back, that he was going to go to therapy and "try to fix this"... and he did go to therapy and is scheduling his next appointment this Tuesday.  While everything else hurts very deeply and is very confusing, he did not end things entirely and he does seem to be trying to work on himself.  There were little things that made me hopeful.
  
I've been doing a lot of reading and it's not unusual for the depressed person to lash out at the person they are closest to and pretend they're fine with other people, as hard as that is for me to understand and accept.  I also think it's easy to assume he's cheating and just doesn't love me anymore, but we follow each other on GPS and always have and he hasn't gone anywhere strange and I can't imagine him bringing another woman into our home (there are photos of us everywhere and a metal sign above our bed with both of our names on it and my things are everywhere... we have a life and a home together where I am obviously present).  It is a fear of mine, though, because I think that's a natural fear when you feel someone pulling away from you.

I'm trying to remain hopeful and understand what is going on with my partner and figure out how I should be to not make his depression worse and to try to keep our relationship going through this period... I'm going through a lot, but hopefully I can start seeing a therapist next week and they can help me sort through everything in my head and help me to understand what to expect from this whole situation.

[basil67]

If you believe your partner's depression is so severe that his actions are understandable, then he needs more than once a week therapy.   At the very least, he should be reviewed by his primary care physician and medication considered/reassessed.

[CleverGirl]

49 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you believe your partner's depression is so severe that his actions are understandable, then he needs more than once a week therapy.   At the very least, he should be reviewed by his primary care physician and medication considered/reassessed.

Once a week therapy is usually considered ideal, or at least that's always been my understanding, because it gives you time to process and make changes and then come back to your therapist in the following week with any new questions or insights that you have. 
He was on antidepressants when we first started dating and they made him feel worse, and he never wants to take even an aspirin, but a referral to a psychiatrist for medication is something that his therapist would set up if they decide that it is necessary.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

Once a week therapy is usually considered ideal, or at least that's always been my understanding, because it gives you time to process and make changes and then come back to your therapist in the following week with any new questions or insights that you have. 
He was on antidepressants when we first started dating and they made him feel worse, and he never wants to take even an aspirin, but a referral to a psychiatrist for medication is something that his therapist would set up if they decide that it is necessary.

Sure, for garden variety depression.  But you're describing a guy who's completely shut down, getting angry at you for things which you didn't say or do and can't even cope with you being around.  If that were my partner, we'd be seeking medical care.  

It's true that not all meds will work - this is why it's recommended to try another type if the first one doesn't work. 

[CleverGirl]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If that were my partner, we'd be seeking medical care.  

Then you'd be in a much better position than I actually am in now, if your partner would just listen to you and lovingly go to therapy and the psychiatrist with you and get started on a new mediciation.  That is not the reality that I am currently in. 

What I did was spend a week researching therapists in our area and calling places until I found someone that I thought he would get along with and who wouldn't wind up damaging him more, and then I paid for that therapist so that he would actually go, because he wouldn't set it up himself or go otherwise.  He got mad at me, but he went, and then he admitted that he liked the guy and would continue seeing him.  My partner is not going to start taking psychiatric medication because I asked him to at this point, but he might if he establishes a bond with an actual therapist and can trust moving forward with that.

If I could take him to the doctor and get him on a new medication and take care of him while he adjusts to that new medication, I would LOVE to.

[basil67]

Point taken.  Wishing you the best of luck

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, CleverGirl said:

What I did was spend a week researching therapists in our area and calling places until I found someone that I thought he would get along with and who wouldn't wind up damaging him more, and then I paid for that therapist so that he would actually go, because he wouldn't set it up himself or go otherwise.  He got mad at me, but he went, and then he admitted that he liked the guy and would continue seeing him. 

Who’s paying for the future therapy visits?