[31-M] 35-F] to admit cheating or no?

[SoulHole]

[31-M] [35-F] To admit cheating or no?

Hi. 

My situation is following: I'm a guy in almost a decade long relationship with my SO. We broke up recently for a short period but we solved the issues and got back together, and now we are doing fine. I did cheat one time in my life, long time ago when we were 6-7 months into our relationship. I got hammered and some girl from my city, which I knew from before, gave me oral sex. Disgusting, I know. I am very sorry for the deed. Promptly ended all contact with that girl but decided not to say anything to my SO. I committed to change and never cheated again. 

Fast forward to now, I replied to this other girl social media text she sent, when me and my SO were broken up, but without any ulterior motive, more out of boredom. Pretty soon in the conversation, it became apparent that this other girl is pretty "off", low self esteem with obsessive tendencies, so I bid her farewell. She did mention she has a boyfriend though. I got back together with my SO shortly after. Unfortunately, this other girl continued with social media messages inviting me to meet with her and go to various events, which were all ignored, and one day I even received few SMS messages in the same day with similar invites, which freaked me out, since I dont even have this girl's number and it's apparent she has some mild mental issues at best. 1 SMS was alluding that she shared my past infidelity with some acquaintance we both know, at least in my interpretation of the message, but it could be anything really. Her communication attempts were severely invasive, all things considered. I replied to her over social media that I'm not up for any meetings in the future, and that I think we wouldn't be compatible to hang out, to which she said she is sorry to hear that but bid me farewell. She is not aware that I am back with my SO. Anyhow, that girl doesn't seem balanced as a person, and I think she using drugs regularly and isn't doing well financially. I, on the other hand, am very well situated with above average paid job which she is aware of, and have a pretty healthy lifestyle.

From my POV, I have few options. 
1. I can admit everything to my SO, most probably ending our relationship.
 This is the least desireable option, since I do care about her greatly and I strived to be the best partner I could to her, and I am simply not the same man who committed that deed long time ago.

2. I can meet up with the other girl to get clarification about her messages and insinuations. 
Best outcome here in my mind here would be a certain agreement or reassurance between us that she will not/ or isn't spreading this info around. Although she doesn't have any evidence about the deed, so obviously I could deny it if she would present it to my SO, but I doubt I would even do that because I couldn't go through lying. Anyhow, this would give me the most information to work with.

3. Act like nothing ever happened and proceed with my life.
Not happy about this either. Since I do not know what's in this other girl's head, I could very well be sitting on a time bomb. And we all live in the same place, so the entire thing could escalate in any moment. It also maybe couldn't.

Anyways, what should I do?

Please note that I understand cheating is bullshit and I shouldn't have ever done it in the first place. And I am in this mess because of me, I am perfectly aware of it, decision not to disclose this to my SO was mine. I only know that I never committed infidelity since and time passed from the said event certainly proves my conviction, if nothing else. I need your advice because I can not talk with anyone else. I am not asking you to agree or disagree with my actions, I am just asking for your advice (hopefully constructive) on how to best proceed with this situation to save my relationship, if that's possible. Thank you

[smackie9]

Since this happened long ago, and she's a major $%^& show...no one will ever believe her accusations. I would stick with that... that you have no idea what she is talking about, and she's not in her right mind. You should admit to your GF first her contacting you recently, discovered her instability and cut contact. If the story comes out don't admit anything, just say she's probably upset about being rejected. I also recommend you block, delete this person's phone number and any access she may have to your social media. 

[MsJayne]

Why did BJ Girl send you social media messages if you haven't had anything to do with her for nearly a decade? I'd go with Option 3 and if it does blow up in your face just tell the truth, don't add gas-lighting to the mix as well. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SoulHole said:

.

2. I can meet up with the other girl to get clarification about her messages and insinuations. 

4. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media, contact lists, devices and messages apps.

There is no reason to dive deeper into this mess. Try to repair issues that led to the breakup with your GF.

[stillafool]

You should have been honest with her and told her you got back together with your gf, problem solved.  Now she thinks you're still available and will still try.

[SoulHole]

First off, I appreciate all of you for giving sincere and well meant advice, and not straight up bashing me. You really helped me.

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Why did BJ Girl send you social media messages if you haven't had anything to do with her for nearly a decade? I'd go with Option 3 and if it does blow up in your face just tell the truth, don't add gas-lighting to the mix as well. 

The girl reached out to me in about some art I posted online on some other platform. After I responded, she checked my social media profile and saw I'm single. Then she proceeded to ask me what happened with my SO, how am I doing, is she the reason for the breakup etc. This alone pretty much overwhelmed me, since I didn't even know she knows my SO name, let alone follows my life in any way. So I bid her farewell that same morning. I got back with my SO few days after, but the said girl continued to send social media messages, to which I did not respond anymore since I bid her farewell. Only after receiving SMS on the phone yesterday, did I contacted her over social media to respond and say I'm not up for anything.

Thank you for your suggestion, I think I'll heed it. If I get confronted by my SO about it or if I get threatened/blackmailed by the other girl, I will tell the entire truth.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

4. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media, contact lists, devices and messages apps.

There is no reason to dive deeper into this mess. Try to repair issues that led to the breakup with your GF.

Thanks for your sound advice. I think I will delete my social media, been pondering about it for a long time anyway.

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You should have been honest with her and told her you got back together with your gf, problem solved.  Now she thinks you're still available and will still try.

Didn't want to communicate more than needed. I did inform her I am extremely busy to go to any meet ups or gatherings and that I don't think we are compatible to hang out anyway. It's a pretty firm statement. I did receive a long text from her that she doesn't think that is the case but bid me farewell in the end also.

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Since this happened long ago, and she's a major $%^& show...no one will ever believe her accusations. I would stick with that... that you have no idea what she is talking about, and she's not in her right mind. You should admit to your GF first her contacting you recently, discovered her instability and cut contact. If the story comes out don't admit anything, just say she's probably upset about being rejected. I also recommend you block, delete this person's phone number and any access she may have to your social media. 

Thank you for your advice Smackie, but I'm not able to handle spinning such web of lies. Even if I would pursue this course of action, who knows if she has something on me I'm not aware of.

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, SoulHole said:

Didn't want to communicate more than needed. I did inform her I am extremely busy to go to any meet ups or gatherings and that I don't think we are compatible to hang out anyway. It's a pretty firm statement. I did receive a long text from her that she doesn't think that is the case but bid me farewell in the end also.

Have you blocked her from contacting you again yet?

[Alpacalia]

I suspect it will take some time to reflect on this matter.

Your other thread suggests you dumped your girlfriend because you were jealous and insecure and now you say that you cheated on her early on in your relationship.

In this case, maybe it's less important whether or not you will tell her than whether or not you will succumb to the same pattern that led you to the position you are in.

[SoulHole]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I suspect it will take some time to reflect on this matter.

Your other thread suggests you dumped your girlfriend because you were jealous and insecure and now you say that you cheated on her early on in your relationship.

In this case, maybe it's less important whether or not you will tell her than whether or not you will succumb to the same pattern that led you to the position you are in.

Other thread was for other gf 8 years ago, which ended. Soon I started another relationship with current SO and maybe 7 years ago this infidelity happened. So I am sure I will not do this again, I've been in situations where I could've cheated without anyone knowing multiple times since and always stayed true to my decision.

Thank you every one once more, I will post a situation update if anything happens. My biggest fear is bumping into this girl when I am with my SO or something similiar, but I guess that is the price to pay for my infidelity.

[JTSW]

On 12/28/2022 at 9:41 PM, SoulHole said:

who knows if she has something on me I'm not aware of.

It's highly unlikely that she does and I think she's lying about telling someone what happened between you.

Block her everywhere and put it all out of your mind.

It's not lying if you just don't say anything about it.