Should I be 'too nice' and give my former friend a second/third chance despite everything?

[TheEternalPessimist]

Hi everyone,

this is an update on a story I wrote here about 2 years which you can find here: 

To make a long story short, I used to live with this girl named Marcela (I'm 28, she is 24) who was my roommate for about 6 months from September 2018 to February 2019 before she moved away. I moved out of her country to a neighboring country in September 2019 because I couldn't stay living there but we still kept in touch until September 2020. That's when I came back to her country to pick up some things I left at our former apartment and of course I wanted to see her again so we made plans to meet. We got to see each other at the very last minute due to her poor planning, I had to change my schedule completely to accomodate her even though I told her weeks in advance when I would be in her country and gave her all the dates. We went out for dinner, she didn't apologize for leaving me hanging until the last minute and didn't even offer to pay for the meal (which I personally think she should have done but whatever). Afterwards, I sent her two short audio messages in November of that year to see how she was doing, she saw my messages but never replied so I didn't bother contacting her again after that because honestly I was mad at her behavior and felt like I was being taken for granted. She never contacted me again either so we stopped being in touch altogether and I moved on from the friendship if I can even call it that. 

 

Fast forward to yesterday, I see a message from her on Facebook saying she lost my phone number and essentially asking for my phone number. I honestly don't know what to think at this point. She seems to want to get in touch again but I don't understand why it took her over TWO YEARS to contact me again if she truly cares or feels the need to talk to me again.

 

I have been disappointed with her since we stopped talking and more than two years later I am not sure I am ready and necessarily willing to try to rekindle some kind of friendship because I am concerned she is just as flaky as before and hasn't changed one bit. At the same time, we did live together for a while, we did stay in touch afterwards, she helped me a lot with various things, she invited me to spend Christmas with her family back in 2018 and I was somewhat sad we were no longer in touch after 2020. Also, at some point in the upcoming years I plan to move back to her country so in a way maybe it would make sense for us to start talking to each other again, I don't know. Either way, I am extremely conflicted as to what to do. If I don't reply back, I feel like maybe I will end up regretting it later on and feel guilty. At the same time, she has let me down big time before, I feel like I would be naive and too nice if I were to give her another chance and above all I find it very strange that it took her over two years to essentially remember that I exist. Should I be "too nice" and give my former friend a second/third chance despite everything or instead should I tell her gently/directly to f off and leave me alone? Would love to hear your thoughts on this messy situation.

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

, I see a message from her on Facebook saying she lost my phone number and essentially asking for my phone number. 

You can leave this parked in neutral. Don't give her your contact info or resume contact. If you wish to stay social media acquaintances rather than block, that's fine. But why keep going down the same dead end when it serves no purpose? 

[TheEternalPessimist]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can leave this parked in neutral. Don't give her your contact info or resume contact. If you wish to stay social media acquaintances rather than block, that's fine. But why keep going down the same dead end when it serves no purpose? 

Not sure how to be neutral about this, I can either not reply back or reply back. I am not going to block her, I am not 12 years old and we're not social media acquaintances because back in 2020 I deleted her from all my social media contacts. 

Yes why keep going down the same dead end when it serves no purpose is exactly why I don't understand why now in 2022 she is essentially suddenly remembering I exist. I had moved on but apparently she hasn't otherwise she wouldn't be contacting me back even though she is almost entirely to blame for us going our seperate ways in 2020.

Edited December 28, 2022 by TheEternalPessimist

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

,I can either not reply back or reply back Yes why keep going down the same dead end 

Don't reply if you are not into it. Why open that Pandora's box again? The choice to engage or not, is yours.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Yes I know the choice is mine and I'm definitely not ready to make any choices yet. I do have to reply back at some point or just ignore it which I'm not sure is necessarily the right thing to do either so I'm still conflicted.

[Alpacalia]

When it came to significant matters such as your disagreement with your roommate, she was there to support you.

She also made sure that you were not alone over the holidays.

The possibility of revisiting your friendship with her does, however, come with a caveat that she is known for being flaky, and chances are that will stay the same if you decide to resume your friendship.

We can forgive others for what we perceive to be wrongdoings. That does not mean it merits a place at our table again.

Sometimes it's just not a smart idea to revisit some relationships. Keeping some friends casual is a better idea than becoming too close to them. As you can imagine, it can be difficult to form a lasting relationship with someone whose conduct is inconsistent and unreliable.

The bottom line? Always put your mental health and wellbeing first.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I agree that she was there for me on significant matters and I thanked her for it in the past. I even apologized for being sometimes harsh towards her while to the best of my knowledge she has barely ever apologized for the things she did wrong. Also it's important to note that her making sure I wasn't alone over the holidays and supporting me when things went awry with the other roommate happened before she really began behaving in a odd way and becoming more and more flaky. I feel like she destroyed some of the good things she did for me in the past by behaving in such an irresponsible way afterwards. 

She didn't really impact my mental health and wellbeing much, she just made me incredibly mad at times but until I got her message yesterday I had largely moved on from her since 2 years passed.

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 I do have to reply back at some point or just ignore it which I'm not sure is necessarily the right thing to do either so I'm still conflicted.

No you don't have to reply.  You can continue about your business.  I agree to let sleeping dogs lie.  She has not changed so make new friends when you move to her country.  You don't need her.

[TheEternalPessimist]

While I don't need her and while I'm not convinced she has changed, she might have, that's what's so tough about this. I don't want to look back at this in a few months or years and regret not giving her that chance. 

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I had largely moved on from her since 2 years passed.

If you've moved on, what purpose would it serve to re-establish your friendship? It doesn't sound like you felt she was a good friend to you.

Would you agree that you are really missing her friendship or do you feel that you're wanting to establish contact if you were to move back to her country? It is my suggestion that you figure out why you wish to allow her back into your life again and then start asking yourself if there is any reason for that. 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[TheEternalPessimist]

What purpose would it serve to re-establish the friendship is something you should be asking her since she's the one who messaged me again after essentially ignoring me for over 2 years. It sounds like she wants to re-establish something and if that's the case I might be potentially willing to at the very least listen to what she has to say.

I don't even know if I want her in my life again, I am extremely confused about the whole thing. Me moving back to her country has nothing to do with her, it would just be a small plus for me since I didn't really have any friends there except for her. 

[Alpacalia]

No.

I am asking you. It's your decision.

Do you want to rekindle your friendship with someone that has systematically avoided you for the last two years?

If you can forgive her and get past her flakiness then by all means see what she has to say.

But here’s what I can tell you. People screw up. That doesn’t make them bad people or mean that they will hurt you again if they get a chance. People also grow up. I will always assume a person has the ability to have grown since I last interacted with them.

Having said that, we want to feel that our friends value and respect us. That means showing up on time when we made plans. She does not need to be your entire social circle. Take advantage of new social opportunities. If your flaky friend friend flakes out again, you'll have other friends to do things with.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Not sure how to be neutral about this, I can either not reply back or reply back. I am not going to block her, I am not 12 years old and we're not social media acquaintances because back in 2020 I deleted her from all my social media contacts. 

In all honesty, deleting her from all your social media is the same level as blocking her IMO.  So if you think blocking her is a 12 year old move, i'd say so is deleting her from your social media. 

I think you would be wise and mature to accept that people in your life at some level are "who they are" and might not be compatible with you for the type of friendship you originally had in mind for them.  That said, if in your shoes, I would respond--it doesn't mean you have to let her into your life in the same way she was before, in fact your should lower your expectations and it seems pretty clear that you've decided a friendship with her in the way she currently behaves doesn't work for you. That's fine or a good boundary for you.  BTW, either of you could have reached out in the 2 year period--as you describe it I don't think it warranted ending the friendship but maybe you cannot express her all that she did to wrong you.  My point is that she might be wondering "what happened????"  I could see the difference as you are someone who has high expectations for your friends and not very flexible about things (even your screen name which I would suggest changing for 100 reasons) whereas she might be sort of free-spirited and in your view flakey.  As an outsider one could see her flexibility and willingness to reach out as a friend benefit.  Anyway, just something to consider when you think a rigid stance is the only way to go or be right. I do think maybe part of the dynamic going on feels like you trying not to be a pushover in general and then you apply that logic to a friendship in sort of a touchy way. Needless to say, I do think you don't feel like you are ready to welcome her back into your life fully so you probably should not do that. 

What I would do regardless is reply in a friendly manner. You don't have to commit to anything.  I forgot the evidence but people are usually way better off with friends (scientifically). Much wiser to figure out "how" they fit into your life. One way to do that is create mental concentric circles.....like best friends are in the inner circle--you can trust them and you both give and receive a lot of energy from one another; next circle is good friends; next circle is just friends; and outside circle is acquaintances.  Your expectations and energy/time you devote and expect from each ring/circle would move from highest for those in the center to lowest for the outside circle. This a great way to keep your expectations in line as well as what you will or won't do, ie your boundaries with people. I don't think it's reasonable to hold everyone to the same standards and on that same token you wouldn't be required to give them the same effort/energy. Sometimes in life it comes down to figuring out where the person fits into it and valuing them for what they CAN offer to your life. I think having a distant friend that you see occasionally when you visit that country and have a catch up every once in a while is probably both normal and healthy and a good move for you. Why not? Just adjust your expectations and effort.  It sounds like you might be growing apart naturally anyway. 

*about calling yourself a pessimist. you should research that and consider not labeling yourself that/work to change it.  btw, it could be part of the reason why you are having this problem (not blaming it all on you but catastrophizing, and seeing things in b&w like has happening in your current situation are symptomatic and downgrade the quality of YOUR life). Good luck

 

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Versacehottie

[TheEternalPessimist]

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No.

I am asking you. It's your decision.

Do you want to rekindle your friendship with someone that has systematically avoided you for the last two years?

If you can forgive her and get past her flakiness then by all means see what she has to say.

But here’s what I can tell you. People screw up. That doesn’t make them bad people or mean that they will hurt you again if they get a chance. People also grow up. I will always assume a person has the ability to have grown since I last interacted with them.

Having said that, we want to feel that our friends value and respect us. That means showing up on time when we made plans. She does not need to be your entire social circle. Take advantage of new social opportunities. If your flaky friend friend flakes out again, you'll have other friends to do things with.

I don't know if I want to rekindle my friendship with someone who has been systematically avoiding me for the last two years, that's why I created this topic. 

I do not think that she is a bad person, I just question how much she cares about me and how much she has actually changed since 2020. It's not something I can really verify properly at this point and of course she absolutely does not need to be my entire social circle nor is that the goal since we don't even live in the same country anymore anyways. I will also say that from 2018 to 2020 when we were actually friends, I really feel like I invested a lot in this friendship and got very little in return.

Edited December 28, 2022 by TheEternalPessimist

[TheEternalPessimist]

14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

In all honesty, deleting her from all your social media is the same level as blocking her IMO.  So if you think blocking her is a 12 year old move, i'd say so is deleting her from your social media. 

I think you would be wise and mature to accept that people in your life at some level are "who they are" and might not be compatible with you for the type of friendship you originally had in mind for them.  That said, if in your shoes, I would respond--it doesn't mean you have to let her into your life in the same way she was before, in fact your should lower your expectations and it seems pretty clear that you've decided a friendship with her in the way she currently behaves doesn't work for you. That's fine or a good boundary for you.  BTW, either of you could have reached out in the 2 year period--as you describe it I don't think it warranted ending the friendship but maybe you cannot express her all that she did to wrong you.  My point is that she might be wondering "what happened????"  I could see the difference as you are someone who has high expectations for your friends and not very flexible about things (even your screen name which I would suggest changing for 100 reasons) whereas she might be sort of free-spirited and in your view flakey.  As an outsider one could see her flexibility and willingness to reach out as a friend benefit.  Anyway, just something to consider when you think a rigid stance is the only way to go or be right. I do think maybe part of the dynamic going on feels like you trying not to be a pushover in general and then you apply that logic to a friendship in sort of a touchy way. Needless to say, I do think you don't feel like you are ready to welcome her back into your life fully so you probably should not do that. 

What I would do regardless is reply in a friendly manner. You don't have to commit to anything.  I forgot the evidence but people are usually way better off with friends (scientifically). Much wiser to figure out "how" they fit into your life. One way to do that is create mental concentric circles.....like best friends are in the inner circle--you can trust them and you both give and receive a lot of energy from one another; next circle is good friends; next circle is just friends; and outside circle is acquaintances.  Your expectations and energy/time you devote and expect from each ring/circle would move from highest for those in the center to lowest for the outside circle. This a great way to keep your expectations in line as well as what you will or won't do, ie your boundaries with people. I don't think it's reasonable to hold everyone to the same standards and on that same token you wouldn't be required to give them the same effort/energy. Sometimes in life it comes down to figuring out where the person fits into it and valuing them for what they CAN offer to your life. I think having a distant friend that you see occasionally when you visit that country and have a catch up every once in a while is probably both normal and healthy and a good move for you. Why not? Just adjust your expectations and effort.  It sounds like you might be growing apart naturally anyway. 

*about calling yourself a pessimist. you should research that and consider not labeling yourself that/work to change it.  btw, it could be part of the reason why you are having this problem (not blaming it all on you but catastrophizing, and seeing things in b&w like has happening in your current situation are symptomatic and downgrade the quality of YOUR life). Good luck

 

 

I deleted her from Facebook which I barely use and from Instagram which she barely uses so I disagree that it's the same thing as blocking her. I very rarely block people on social media unless they really do something stupid like insult me, attack my family and things like that. She did a lot of things which made me mad but she never crossed any really big red line, so to speak. If back in 2020 we ended up not seeing each other due to her poor planning and she never even proposed a hang out to make up for her mistake, I would have considered blocking her on social media altogether. Still even when we hung out, something just didn't feel right. With that being said, she was never blocked anywhere so if she wanted to know why I deleted her from Facebook and Instagram or if she wanted to just keep the friendship going, she could have contacted me back in 2020 instead of waiting more than 2 years and asking for my phone number. It makes me question her motives and why she is now suddenly remembering I exist. I absolutely HATE when people remember I exist at a specific moment because it's convenient for them to suddenly remember me.

If this whole time she was wondering what happened, why did it take her 2 years to react? The reason I didn't reach out myself first is because after I last saw her in September 2020 and the circumstances under which I saw plus the fact that she ignored my messages afterwards made me think she wasn't interested in staying in touch so I gave up. I am not going to pester and harass anyone or beg for attention and I felt like that's what I would be doing if I kept sending her more messages when she clearly or seemingly did not want to keep talking to me.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

If you want sanity, ignore.

If you want drama, disappointment, torture, frustration, anger, confusion and roller-coaster emotions FOR NOTHING--then get together with her. 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Yes, you do have a point. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I will also say that from 2018 to 2020 when we were actually friends, I really feel like I invested a lot in this friendship and got very little in return.

See? Then you answered your own question. 🙂

These are your own friendships and if you're feeling that much disappointment then it's a good time to assess.

Some friends aren't able to fulfill all our needs. Take a close look at how those you consider friends treat you. Did she support you? Have you felt good or bad after interacting with her? How would your life be without this friend? Is it better or worse? Which friends make you feel good? Is there trust and inclusion?

Friendships, like all relationships, require good communication. The time may have been right to discuss your feeling of being let down by your friend. If you'd been curious about what happened, you might have listened. What would you have done differently in the future?

It may be easier to decide whether to continue your friendship after you have expressed your feelings to her and spoken with her about them. It's certainly possible.

It is important to manage your expectations with your friends.

Maybe you'll decide to pursue friendships if the letdown is an isolated incident. If your friends are constantly letting you down by excluding you or if you feel like an afterthought, maybe it’s time to let those friendships go.

[Versacehottie]

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Some friends aren't able to fulfill all our needs.

This^^^^...some friends are great to socialize or go out with, meet up with on a whim; other friends are better for relying on & having deep, serious discussions about where life is going etc. Some friends--due to how they approach life are better for silly, fun, surface stuff and some are more suited to deep loyalty stuff...if you are lucky, your best friends will be good for both.

At a certain point, you, OP should ask yourself what type of friend are YOU?  From your recounting of this incident and how you are approaching even the feedback, I'd say you are more serious than average.  You would rather be right than move on. Rehashing old stories, being hypersensitive and holding onto resentment are not helpful in relationships of any kind.  Assuming since you are posting here as a dilemma to be solved that you ACTUALLY want to solve it. If it's your intention to vent about a situation in which you feel you've been wronged, then let us know...IMO, the venting type threads are super unproductive. 

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I deleted her from Facebook which I barely use and from Instagram which she barely uses so I disagree that it's the same thing as blocking her. I very rarely block people on social media unless they really do something stupid like insult me, attack my family and things like that. She did a lot of things which made me mad but she never crossed any really big red line, so to speak. If back in 2020 we ended up not seeing each other due to her poor planning and she never even proposed a hang out to make up for her mistake, I would have considered blocking her on social media altogether. Still even when we hung out, something just didn't feel right. With that being said, she was never blocked anywhere so if she wanted to know why I deleted her from Facebook and Instagram or if she wanted to just keep the friendship going, she could have contacted me back in 2020 instead of waiting more than 2 years and asking for my phone number. It makes me question her motives and why she is now suddenly remembering I exist. I absolutely HATE when people remember I exist at a specific moment because it's convenient for them to suddenly remember me.

If this whole time she was wondering what happened, why did it take her 2 years to react? The reason I didn't reach out myself first is because after I last saw her in September 2020 and the circumstances under which I saw plus the fact that she ignored my messages afterwards made me think she wasn't interested in staying in touch so I gave up. I am not going to pester and harass anyone or beg for attention and I felt like that's what I would be doing if I kept sending her more messages when she clearly or seemingly did not want to keep talking to me.

Ok thanks for the additional context. I still stand by what I said originally about the social media stuff. Even if a person doesn't use FB, surely she noticed that you deleted her when she went to message you--and yet she messaged you anyway, showing that with a different interpretation of friendship yet still a desire to be friends in HER way. What is your excuse for not reaching out to her in any way?  My point is that you stubbornness (and resentment you hold onto in friendships) can be AS MUCH a negative as her flakiness. To the bolded, you said  you "rarely" block people on social media and yet you blocked your friend...even if the friendship is waning, not a good move or good look on your part.  IMO, you might as well have blocked in every single way bc it all sends the same message: "i no longer want to continue this friendship".  It also is a nuclear move of cutting someone off (and probably hoping they notice and apolgize or try to figure out what they did wrong) instead of the more mature thing or middle ground of speaking up and saying that her flakiness hurt your feelings or burdened you in some way. Your way was pretty dramatic. 

If you've been fine for two years and no longer see a point in continuing this friendship, that's fine. I would just guess that these hardline stances are going to continue to cause you problems with your relationships. I don't see anything that she's done that warrants cutting off a friendship for good. Reassessing, yes..because it doesn't make you satisfied in the way it was going before. Approaching it differently, yes. For example, now that you feel she is flakey, then a better idea would be to invite her to group things where if she shows up or not is not a big deal. I'm super generous as well as into manners and see no reason why you think she should have paid for the meal. From her perspective, you show up into town and she's supposed to move all her plans around as well as pay for the privilege of seeing you??? I don't get that. I'd equally argue that you might have treated her if you were the one vacationing. Did she string you along while you were in her city? Continually rearranging the plans which she ultimately flaked on? That is valid to be upset with especially if she subsequently ignored your messages.

I agree with the second thing I bolded. But then my question is why did you create this thread? This seems like you've already got your decision locked up--you see no point in being friends with her...which brings me back to: is this an actual dilemma where you want perspectives on how to move forward or is it just a venting thread?

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

See? Then you answered your own question. 🙂

These are your own friendships and if you're feeling that much disappointment then it's a good time to assess.

Some friends aren't able to fulfill all our needs. Take a close look at how those you consider friends treat you. Did she support you? Have you felt good or bad after interacting with her? How would your life be without this friend? Is it better or worse? Which friends make you feel good? Is there trust and inclusion?

Friendships, like all relationships, require good communication. The time may have been right to discuss your feeling of being let down by your friend. If you'd been curious about what happened, you might have listened. What would you have done differently in the future?

It may be easier to decide whether to continue your friendship after you have expressed your feelings to her and spoken with her about them. It's certainly possible.

It is important to manage your expectations with your friends.

Maybe you'll decide to pursue friendships if the letdown is an isolated incident. If your friends are constantly letting you down by excluding you or if you feel like an afterthought, maybe it’s time to let those friendships go.

She supported me greatly when I had a huge conflict with one of our roommates. I confided in her about things I uncovered regarding the roommate and while she very well could have told her everything I found out, she chose not to and I was very thankful for that. She also invited me over for Christmas in 2018 even though she didn't have to. But apart from that, I can't say she has supported me or done things for me necessarily. As for interacting with her, I definitely felt bad after interacting with her back in 2020, something just didn't feel right and she almost screwed everything up when she took days to reply to my messages even though she new for weeks ahead when I would be in her country so we met at the very last minute. We had some good moments throughout the years but I remember the bad moments more than the good moments unfortunately.

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

9 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

This^^^^...some friends are great to socialize or go out with, meet up with on a whim; other friends are better for relying on & having deep, serious discussions about where life is going etc. Some friends--due to how they approach life are better for silly, fun, surface stuff and some are more suited to deep loyalty stuff...if you are lucky, your best friends will be good for both.

At a certain point, you, OP should ask yourself what type of friend are YOU?  From your recounting of this incident and how you are approaching even the feedback, I'd say you are more serious than average.  You would rather be right than move on. Rehashing old stories, being hypersensitive and holding onto resentment are not helpful in relationships of any kind.  Assuming since you are posting here as a dilemma to be solved that you ACTUALLY want to solve it. If it's your intention to vent about a situation in which you feel you've been wronged, then let us know...IMO, the venting type threads are super unproductive. 

Ok thanks for the additional context. I still stand by what I said originally about the social media stuff. Even if a person doesn't use FB, surely she noticed that you deleted her when she went to message you--and yet she messaged you anyway, showing that with a different interpretation of friendship yet still a desire to be friends in HER way. What is your excuse for not reaching out to her in any way?  My point is that you stubbornness (and resentment you hold onto in friendships) can be AS MUCH a negative as her flakiness. To the bolded, you said  you "rarely" block people on social media and yet you blocked your friend...even if the friendship is waning, not a good move or good look on your part.  IMO, you might as well have blocked in every single way bc it all sends the same message: "i no longer want to continue this friendship".  It also is a nuclear move of cutting someone off (and probably hoping they notice and apolgize or try to figure out what they did wrong) instead of the more mature thing or middle ground of speaking up and saying that her flakiness hurt your feelings or burdened you in some way. Your way was pretty dramatic. 

If you've been fine for two years and no longer see a point in continuing this friendship, that's fine. I would just guess that these hardline stances are going to continue to cause you problems with your relationships. I don't see anything that she's done that warrants cutting off a friendship for good. Reassessing, yes..because it doesn't make you satisfied in the way it was going before. Approaching it differently, yes. For example, now that you feel she is flakey, then a better idea would be to invite her to group things where if she shows up or not is not a big deal. I'm super generous as well as into manners and see no reason why you think she should have paid for the meal. From her perspective, you show up into town and she's supposed to move all her plans around as well as pay for the privilege of seeing you??? I don't get that. I'd equally argue that you might have treated her if you were the one vacationing. Did she string you along while you were in her city? Continually rearranging the plans which she ultimately flaked on? That is valid to be upset with especially if she subsequently ignored your messages.

I agree with the second thing I bolded. But then my question is why did you create this thread? This seems like you've already got your decision locked up--you see no point in being friends with her...which brings me back to: is this an actual dilemma where you want perspectives on how to move forward or is it just a venting thread?

I have no intention of venting, I think I did plenty of that already in the previous thread from 2020 about this friend.

When a friends does something wrong, doesn't really apologize and keeps doing the same annoying things over and over again then ghosts you in private message, why shouldn't I feel ressentment? And I did not block my friend, I simply unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram. I never did anything to prevent her from messaging me, she had 2 years to do it. I had already told her before that her flakiness was annoying to me and hurt me but she kept being flaky nontheless. 

I did not move all her plans around, she moved MY plans around by forcing me to switch train tickets, lose money as a result and take an unplanned detour on my way back home to drop by her town just to see her. The very least she could have done is apologize and/or offer to pay for the meal. If I had put someone in that situation I would go out of my way to apologize and show that I actually care for the inconvenience I caused yet she was super nonchalant about the whole thing which angered me because I felt like I was being taken for a ride. When she came to my town with her sister a few months prior, I paid for both their meals. If her perspective is that I moved her plans around even though she was the one to contact me at the last minute then she is wrong and dishonest. She didn't string me along though she did come late at our meeting and I had to go out of my way to find out because I did not have cellular service in her country, which she knew. Let's just say that because of her we came really close to not seeing each other at all and honestly if back than I knew that she would subsequently ignore me for over 2 years, I wouldn't have agreed to hang out with her even at the last minute.

It's not a venting thread at all, if you read carefully everything I wrote, you will see that I am very much 50-50 on what I should do next and how I should handle this new situation.

[MsJayne]

I say no, don't bother with her.  I wouldn't delete her or block her, but I also wouldn't reply to her request for your number.  She sounds like she uses people, and so it will do her good to be ignored instead of the other way around, and it will do you good to even things up a bit. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

She supported me greatly when I had a huge conflict with one of our roommates. I confided in her about things I uncovered regarding the roommate and while she very well could have told her everything I found out, she chose not to and I was very thankful for that. She also invited me over for Christmas in 2018 even though she didn't have to. But apart from that, I can't say she has supported me or done things for me necessarily. As for interacting with her, I definitely felt bad after interacting with her back in 2020, something just didn't feel right and she almost screwed everything up when she took days to reply to my messages even though she new for weeks ahead when I would be in her country so we met at the very last minute. We had some good moments throughout the years but I remember the bad moments more than the good moments unfortunately.

 

Sounds like you have a good handle on things. Listen. Life is short. The chances of living to be 60 or 70 are high, and within that short time frame, you have to value yourself above all else. There will be tough times, the main thing is that you're happy and healthy in the long run. In the end, it doesn't matter how important a person is to you, if they don't give a hoot, then kick them out from your life.

We’re not meant to be everyone’s friend or to like or love everyone.

Find and surround yourself with good people that you really like and respect or share interests with.

Make those choices well and they will be friends for life.

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

10 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

We got to see each other at the very last minute due to her poor planning, I had to change my schedule completely to accomodate her even though I told her weeks in advance when I would be in her country and gave her all the dates. We went out for dinner, she didn't apologize for leaving me hanging until the last minute and didn't even offer to pay for the meal (which I personally think she should have done but whatever). Afterwards, I sent her two short audio messages in November of that year to see how she was doing, she saw my messages but never replied so I didn't bother contacting her again after that because honestly I was mad at her behavior and felt like I was being taken for granted. She never contacted me again either so we stopped being in touch altogether and I moved on from the friendship if I can even call it that. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I see a message from her on Facebook saying she lost my phone number and essentially asking for my phone number.

Are you aware that part of the problem is your own lack of boundaries - you're doing things you don't want to do and blaming her for it. 

* When she finally gave you a date, you could have just said "That's a shame, I now have things planned for those days. At this point, I can only do X time"

* You paid for both her meal and yours?   If so, that's another boundary you need to take on board.   When the bill comes, do the math and say "that works out to be $x each".  Don't sit around waiting for her to offer!

Thing is, leaving things hanging is her way and you already know this.  So she didn't apologise because this is her normal way of being and doesn't see that she did anything wrong.  

Now I must confess to not always returning messages from people who I'm not super close with.  I look at it and honestly do mean to return it, but then I get distracted with life.  Given that she's unorganised, I bet this exactly what happens with her.   The thing with messages is that, unlike a phone call, they don't demand immediate attention and can be forgotten.   This is both their blessing and curse depending on what you want from the interaction. 

Anyway, I would suggest that if you do choose to respond, first fix your boundaries.  Also, get an understanding with yourself that she is flaky and that's just who she is.  If you can't do both, then just ignore her.  

Edited December 28, 2022 by basil67

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I say no, don't bother with her.  I wouldn't delete her or block her, but I also wouldn't reply to her request for your number.  She sounds like she uses people, and so it will do her good to be ignored instead of the other way around, and it will do you good to even things up a bit. 

I don't know about that, I lived with her for several months and saw her daily. She never came off as someone who uses people but she might be using me specifically for some reason. I'm not sure what she is hoping to achieve by contacting me over 2 years after we last spoke and saw each other.