Husband annoys me

[newlywedder]

I have been married for 9 years now and have one son. I quit my job a year ago to work fulltime on my small business. My husband has had the same job for 13 years and gets very low pay. 
 

His boss asked if he wanted to advance into management, but my husband doesn’t want the extra responsibility. This really upset me. 
 

I wish he was as driven to succeed as I am. All he does in his spare time is play video games. We hardly spend time together. No sex in several months. 
 

He isn’t abusive at all, but I am very annoyed with him. I am from a divorced and abusive home. I don’t want a divorce, but I wish he would be more driven. 
 

Am I wrong here for feeling like this when I am lucky he isn’t an abusive man? I should feel grateful for that, but am empty inside. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by newlywedder

[glows]

That’s not unusual where one person is more ambitious in their career than the other in marriages. The more upsetting thing is your intimacy seems to have suffered. How do you see this improving if you don’t respect him? 

[NuevoYorko]

Most generally well adjusted people are not abusive.  That doesn't mean that they'd be an ideal spouse for you or anyone.  Maybe you're not compatible, not feeling it,  etc. 

Did you ever feel in love with your husband?  Do you think he's happy? 

If you would like to work on your marriage, counseling might help you get back into a more positive relationship.  If you're done, you can choose to move on.  

 

[newlywedder]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s not unusual where one person is more ambitious in their career than the other in marriages. The more upsetting thing is your intimacy seems to have suffered. How do you see this improving if you don’t respect him? 

I do have respect for him and treat him good. I do sometimes ask him about changing jobs. I have paid $18,000 for him to go to a coding bootcamp before COVID. He blamed COVID for not looking for another job. He still thinks no one is hiring because of COVID. His job is doing tech support for 40k a year. I make 250-300k a year myself. I feel immense pressure for my business to do well. If it fails, we won’t be able to even afford our mortgage. I don’t need the extra stress on me. I wish he would pull his weight financially. He is a great father and kind to my pets. I do love him alot and can’t imagine life without him. I agree we probably need counseling. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, newlywedder said:

His job is doing tech support for 40k a year. I make 250-300k a year myself.

Are you able to live off of both your incomes? Are you building savings for retirement and an emergency fund? Are you able to save for your kids education? Is he happy with his job or does he complain about it? 
 

Thats the job part. The fact that he just plays video games is concerning though. Does he do any chores around the house? Does he contribute to the household other ways besides financially? Cooking? Cleaning? Home / car maintenance? 

[newlywedder]

20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you able to live off of both your incomes? Are you building savings for retirement and an emergency fund? Are you able to save for your kids education? Is he happy with his job or does he complain about it? 
 

Thats the job part. The fact that he just plays video games is concerning though. Does he do any chores around the house? Does he contribute to the household other ways besides financially? Cooking? Cleaning? Home / car maintenance? 

Yes we both contribute. I make all the financial decisions and pay the bills. He is frugal so that’s good. Yes he will do chores if I nag him enough. No intimacy whatsoever. It’s like he is just a roommate. I’m sad how things turned out between us. We used to have lots of sex and spend time together. Then my son was born so I am no longer desirable. I did gain 50 lbs. so that could play a part. He says he loves me no matter what size, though. 

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, newlywedder said:

We used to have lots of sex and spend time together. Then my son was born so I am no longer desirable. I did gain 50 lbs. so that could play a part. He says he loves me no matter what size, though. 

Having a young child around is going to make it harder to have sex for most couples. Can you schedule in time for sex when you know your son will be sleeping? 
 

The weigh gain can have a couple impacts. He might not find you as desirable but it might be you don’t have as much confidence or see yourself as sexy either. Therapy can help with this. 
 

Lastly he shouldn’t have to be nagged to do chores. That is going to create a pretty bad dynamic where essentially you become his parent, which can lead to a less sexy environment. Are there chores that he does without needing to be asked? Mowing the lawn? Taking out the garbage? Maintaining the vehicles? Or do you have to nag him to do anything at all?

[glows]

On 12/24/2022 at 3:39 PM, newlywedder said:

I do have respect for him and treat him good. I do sometimes ask him about changing jobs. I have paid $18,000 for him to go to a coding bootcamp before COVID. He blamed COVID for not looking for another job. He still thinks no one is hiring because of COVID. His job is doing tech support for 40k a year. I make 250-300k a year myself. I feel immense pressure for my business to do well. If it fails, we won’t be able to even afford our mortgage. I don’t need the extra stress on me. I wish he would pull his weight financially. He is a great father and kind to my pets. I do love him alot and can’t imagine life without him. I agree we probably need counseling. 

OP, if you respected this man there’d be no need to compare your incomes. I mean this kindly and you seem under a lot of stress.

It sounds more like the pressure of your business is causing a lot of friction. Whose idea was it to take out a mortgage, for ie? Is he motivated to own a home at all? He didn’t lose his job and there hasn’t been loss of income unless I’m mistaken? More context? The way it sounds is that he’s been at that salary for awhile and nothing has changed. The only variable has been you building your business and you paying for his coding bootcamp hoping he codes or uses it to boost his salary. I also wonder whose idea was it to go back to school? Did he want to do it? Did he graduate? 

Check in with him about what he wants or how he sees your future together. Couples evolve together and plans can change. You both have to be on board as a team. You may be building towards the future in one way and he’s checked out because he may feel nothing he says or does matters or isn’t enough.

I strongly suggest marriage counselling. You’re both growing in different directions and becoming more like strangers than growing together in your marriage.

Edited December 27, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 12/25/2022 at 6:08 PM, newlywedder said:

. We used to have lots of sex and spend time together. Then my son was born so I am no longer desirable.

You seem lonely in your marriage, but not because of finances, but because he is mentally, emotionally and physically checked out. 

Step back. Discontinue being super mom to him and your child.  Try to focus on your physical and mental health more. Take time for yourself.

[mark clemson]

When you pick a specific parameter to look at marriages are almost never an "equal partnership," so you are hardly alone in your situation. IMO in a good marriage it's either not so important to one or both, OR the "lesser" partner (on that parameter) does things to help balance out disparities, or compensates by doing more in other areas.

Maintaining an income can be quite important, depending on a couple's financial commitments/lifestyle/debts. However, middle management positions CAN really suck, depending on the work environment, and not everyone wants to deal with them or feels the increased pay is "worth the stress".

If he's genuinely not interested in increased responsibilities, are there ways he can share the work of you running your biz or otherwise substantively support you so that you feel things are more balanced?

[Els]

On 12/25/2022 at 9:39 AM, newlywedder said:

His job is doing tech support for 40k a year. I make 250-300k a year myself. I feel immense pressure for my business to do well. If it fails, we won’t be able to even afford our mortgage.

He is frugal so that’s good.

I'm a bit perplexed about the financial situation here. So you two have made a combined income of ~300K/yr give or take, for the past few years at least. Is this correct? And according to you, you both spend frugally.

How is it, then, that you have no nest egg whatsoever, to the extent that if your business earns no profit in the next year, you won't be able to afford your mortgage? I get that tax, cost of living etc differs depending on locale. However, even with high tax and a high cost of living, I daresay that most families would find themselves living quite comfortably on $200K/yr, let alone frugally. That leaves $100K/yr, minus tax, to sock away for emergencies... like a business failing. Why didn't this happen?

IMO, you're out of touch with most people's realities if you think that $40k/yr is "very low pay". That's pretty much median income in many developed countries. I'm really not sure what you're spending on if you think a combined income of $300k/yr is too little for financial security.

That being said, obviously the lack of intimacy and quality time together is a problem. Have you considered MC?

 

 

 

[Will am I]

On 12/24/2022 at 11:48 PM, newlywedder said:

His boss asked if he wanted to advance into management, but my husband doesn’t want the extra responsibility. This really upset me. 

Why is this? Ambition towards making a career of making a lot of money is not a universal value.

We all bring our expectations and role models into our relationships. If I had to guess, I'd  say that you probably grew up in a home where the man was bringing home the primary income and you internalized that as an expectation on other men. Including the one you have chosen to be your life partner.

Are you ok with the idea of being the primary provider in your home? Do you feel your husband is doing enough in other areas?