HE is super busy, works for 14 hours daily . last week he called me suddenly and said that he cant be with me and he went to meet his family and things changed.

[Priyanka]

Hi, I am a 47 year woman married for 27 years. My husband is a good man, but an extremely busy one. Im a reasonably good looking woman, people often mistake me for a woman in her thirties. I have a daughter who is abroad working. I am a professor myself but quit my job once I turned 45. Presently I teach kids for free from home. I stay in Chennia, India.

My husband travels very frequently to Jaipuron official trips and stays in a 5 star hotel . Since Im not working anymore, he takes me to these trips so I can enjoy the hotel stay. I started accompanying him from the last one year, post pandamic severity. Though I would do nothing sitting in the hotel, I would engage myself by working out, reading books etc that I couldnot do while I was raising my kid and working.

Since my husband has been going to the same hotel for over 3 years now, the entire hotel staff became close to him almost like a family. So when i started accompanying him every month for a week, slowly we all became close to each other and we would do small-talk etc., The entire hotel would respect us, love us for being such loyal clients.

Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband.

After almost 6 months of my visit to the hotel, on one of my visits, I received a bunch of goodies from the exec chef with a note saying that he would be happy to cook anything special I needed. This is normally done to all guests so I thanked him on whats app( took number from my husband) saying how much happy I was. To my surprise, the chef replied saying ' Good afternoon'. I didnot know why he didnot acknowledge my message but didnot respond to good afternoon too. we left the hotel after a day only to return after a month. ( in the meanwhile I started following him on instagram and he followed me back.)

This time, the exe.chef came to me directly during breakfast time and asked me if I wanted something special before my husband . When I later thanked him on whats app, this time he replied saying ' many thanks , Ria '

I felt very odd because he would always address me as madam . So calling me by first name sounded weird. When I told my husband, he brushed it off saying it could be a mistake.

Later when I tagged the chef and the hotel on instagram for the wonderful cake he got baked for me, he loved all my stories and asked me to send message on whats app. I was so confused and wondered why I should be sending a message to him at all. But I didnot send any message. The next day he asked me why I havent sent and that he was waiting. So for the sake of being polite i just sent a message saying ' good morning chef' to which he responded again by saying 'thank you Ria'. I felt really really odd. THIS TIME I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND.

Later, he asked me to call him once but I said no. I was too overwhelmed with all this, felt something was def. wrong. Why would a exe. chef of the hotel would want to talk to talk to his guest's wife????

So I didnot call him. But, I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND.

Now the chef continuously asked me to call him as that day was his day off. When I said I would chat but no call, he gave in and told me that he found me extremely fascinating and intriguing and he wants to be my friend. I didnot suspect anything then and said we can surely be friends. But as we started to chat that day, he slowly startd saying that he wanted to get 'close to me' and I should open up with him. I still thought he meant friendship and nothing else as I would not in my wildest of dreams believed that a guy in such senior most position at a super famous hotel could dare to ask sexual favours from a guest!!!!!!!!! Who would risk it?

He begged me to call me once and NOT CHAT. I didnot call. BUt after going to my city, I did call him and after a series of calls, he expressed his desire to sleep with me !!!!!!! we are finally moving to jaipur in December and we wont be staying in the hotel anymore. When I told him about this, he was very happy as I would be moving to the same city as his.

Till today, I dont understand why i didnot disconnect his call, didnot complain to the hotel superiors or even to my husband about this immediately. I did however told him that I really respected him admired him but I can never have sex with him. I can stay his friends forever. He said he wanted BOTH. friendship and sex. He didnot even want an affair. He said we could lead parallel lives without disturbing our families and have sex once a month !!!!

I was shocked and though I denied doing anything like that, Im extremely upset that a man whom I thought was a gentleman a respectable man, a man whose discipline and virtues I adored wanted just sex from me and not friendship. Im so heartbroken.

The things that happened in 3 months is:

----- He never called on his own, he called only when I requested

----- he never initiated any whats app messages ( except on the first two days)

----  I started to beg him to be my friend and not a sexual partner

 Lat month on my birthday we were again at the hotel and he made sure that everyone in the hotel wished me, he too wished me with a broad smile on his face and spoke to my hubby as if nothing happened.

I again sent him a message asking him if we are friends and if yes whey we arent in touch. After much begging, he said that we were 'cool and same'. 

He likes all my posts on Instagram, I do the same but he never calls/texts me on his own. It has been the same since the day one though he said he was interested in my sexually.

HE is super busy, works for 14 hours daily . 

last week he called me suddenly and said that he cant be with me and he went to meet his family and things changed  and he wants a chef anf guest relationship only. I was shocked but he disconnected. I begged him again asking if we can still be friends but he kept addressing me as 'madam' and said he respects me as a guest. No friendship. I was shattered but told him that I bought him some Christmas gifts already and if I can give to him. He said I can as guests give gifts to chef. I went to the hotel and gave him the gifts wherein I included a note saying that I was ready to get close to him as i would be moving to his city on December 26. He sent a message saying the gifts are awesome and he appreciated the note. I just liked his message. He asked me if Im doing well. I said it doesnot matter. from then till today ( 9 days) he has been sending me good morning every day at 8 am sharp. I respond saying the same. Nothing more. I dont know why he sending me these messages when he said he wants only guest, host relationship now. Moreover he never ever initiated any such message ever. Is he throwing some friendship crumbs because i gave him expensive gifts? He is the one who said he loves his family and cant be in touch with me. No friendship too. Then what changed in a week? The contents of the letter? But he said his family is imp to him and now he sends only GM messages. Also i stopped liking his pics on instagram and I stopped posting on my insta too. Im very depressed. What are this man's intentions now? 

Edited December 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Title

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible for you to go back to work or volunteer or join some clubs and groups? Unfortunately, between your husband travelling frequently and quitting your job, empty nest syndrome and midlife crisis all converging at once, you seem to be making poor choices out of loneliness and boredom, some insecurities and lack of purpose. Reflect on how to adjust to this new stage in your life and how to make the best of it.

[Els]

On 12/14/2022 at 9:37 PM, Priyanka said:

BUt after going to my city, I did call him and after a series of calls, he expressed his desire to sleep with me !!!!!!!

I think your exclamation marks are in the wrong place. It should be more like "But after going to my city, I did call him!!!!!!!"...

You are obviously going into an affair. Be honest with yourself. You are 50% responsible for this. If you don't like hearing this, then do the right thing - stop contacting him, and tell your husband.

[glows]

I think he wanted sex and you proved to be too much work. He had to keep putting on an act which he couldn’t sustain. All you get are robotic good morning texts and there’s no depth in any of your texts. He could be sending good mornings to 20 different women around the city or wherever he travels - just casting a broad and generic net.

This obviously didn’t make sense to you from the start and it still doesn’t make sense because he’s not intending for it to be deep and romantic. It was a bid for sex and you took too long to decide and he realized it’s better to focus on women with no strings attached - aka not you as you’re way too invested.

[Priyanka]

11 hours ago, glows said:

I think he wanted sex and you proved to be too much work. He had to keep putting on an act which he couldn’t sustain. All you get are robotic good morning texts and there’s no depth in any of your texts. He could be sending good mornings to 20 different women around the city or wherever he travels - just casting a broad and generic net.

This obviously didn’t make sense to you from the start and it still doesn’t make sense because he’s not intending for it to be deep and romantic. It was a bid for sex and you took too long to decide and he realized it’s better to focus on women with no strings attached - aka not you as you’re way too invested.

Actually I stay in a different city and will be moving to his city in 15 days. He knows this right from the day one. Now after admitting to me that he doesnt want any relationship with me, why is he sending these texts at all? Yes, I am very confused because 15 days back he called up suddenly and said our relationship should be just chef and guest. I asked if we can stay friends (as I always wanted), he said we can message on special occasions and  very rarely. Later, I gave him Christmas  gifts ( which i already bought in november) after he accepted to receive them AS A CHEF. Later, I never contact him but he started sending me good morning and greetings every single day. What is the need? Now suddenly he wants to become a friend? Why?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Priyanka said:

 he called up suddenly and said our relationship should be just chef and guest

It seems like he doesn't want to get mixed up with a married woman or a guest at the hotel he works. Perhaps he doesn't want to lose his job.

That's ok.  Perhaps once you relocate, you'll be a bit happier about your marriage and your life and find ways to make friends and keep yourself busy.

[JTSW]

You loved the attention and you loved him chasing you.

But now he's backed off and you're acting desperate. 

You are a married woman. Start respecting that.

Very soon you wont be going to that hotel anymore so you need to cut contact with him. 

Block him on WhatsApp and get on with your life.

[Priyanka]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he doesn't want to get mixed up with a married woman or a guest at the hotel he works. Perhaps he doesn't want to lose his job.

That's ok.  Perhaps once you relocate, you'll be a bit happier about your marriage and your life and find ways to make friends and keep yourself busy.

Im relocating to the same city he lives in and he knows that. Also why is he sending me GM messages daily when he himself backed out? How is this professional? If all he wants is friendship ( which I asked him initially) why is he suddenly got ready? What do those GM messages mean after 15 days of the phone call where he 'rejected' me?

[Priyanka]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You loved the attention and you loved him chasing you.

But now he's backed off and you're acting desperate. 

You are a married woman. Start respecting that.

Very soon you wont be going to that hotel anymore so you need to cut contact with him. 

Block him on WhatsApp and get on with your life.

I wont block him until I see how all these sudden GM messages end. I want to know his intentions in sending those to me. WHen he called me to say he isnot interested in me anymore, rejected my friendship too then why the messages? Which host messages a guest like that daily? Is that professional? If the management comes to know, wont they question him? 

[glows]

There’s nothing professional about his texts and he doesn’t care to be your friend, Priyanka. All he wants/wanted was no strings sex. You are the one begging for friendship but it doesn’t sound like he could care less. He is keeping the door open for sex only. 

You’re both on completely different pages. Block and delete the contact so you’re not bothered by his messages that make no sense to you. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Priyanka said:

I want to know his intentions in sending those to me.

You can just come out and ask him what his intentions were in sending you those messages and then block him.  He probably does this with many women he finds attractive who comes to that hotel.  Maybe he's just feeling women out to see who he can get to have sex with him to feed his ego.  Most married women would put him in his place; but you fell for him and wanted an affair.  That probably scared him off because he doesn't want to lose his job.  Now, tell you husband what's up, block this man and stop communicating and dreaming of having sex with another man.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like he may have been interested in having an affair with you and then changed his mind. To me that seems like the most likely scenario.

It's possible that now he is "playing games" and trying to manipulate you into a sexual encounter, but with little interest in carrying on an actual romantic relationship.

You'll have to decide whether telling your husband makes sense for you in your marital and cultural context. There are places where "adultery" can get someone killed quite legally. Presumably that's not you, but keep in mind that a spouse's reaction to news of an affair can be VERY unpredictable, and the spectrum can range from essentially shrugging it off, through an immediate and irrevocable divorce, all the way to, in rare but real cases, committing murder. So I would think that through carefully.

[Priyanka]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You can just come out and ask him what his intentions were in sending you those messages and then block him.  He probably does this with many women he finds attractive who comes to that hotel.  Maybe he's just feeling women out to see who he can get to have sex with him to feed his ego.  Most married women would put him in his place; but you fell for him and wanted an affair.  That probably scared him off because he doesn't want to lose his job.  Now, tell you husband what's up, block this man and stop communicating and dreaming of having sex with another man.

I HAVE/HAD/WILL EVER HAVE ANY SEXUAL DESIRES TOWARDS THIS MAN! I respected him as a chef, wanted to learn from him as Im interested in cooking and we knew him for over a year. Nothing more. Friendship would have been great so I was in awe with him. I am almost asexual, I dont want to have sex with even my husband, let alone other men. YOu got it all wrong.

[Priyanka]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like he may have been interested in having an affair with you and then changed his mind. To me that seems like the most likely scenario.

It's possible that now he is "playing games" and trying to manipulate you into a sexual encounter, but with little interest in carrying on an actual romantic relationship.

You'll have to decide whether telling your husband makes sense for you in your marital and cultural context. There are places where "adultery" can get someone killed quite legally. Presumably that's not you, but keep in mind that a spouse's reaction to news of an affair can be VERY unpredictable, and the spectrum can range from essentially shrugging it off, through an immediate and irrevocable divorce, all the way to, in rare but real cases, committing murder. So I would think that through carefully.

Already mentioned that my husband knows everything. I stopped him from complaining to the hotel. Also my hubby reads every message of his. No hiding rom husband anymore. Not making the mistake ever again.

[FMW]

Let this go, stop all communications with him.  Maybe you don't want sex, but you do seem very hungry for attention.  He gave it to you and had fun with it for a while.  Your intense desire to know his intentions indicates this is not just a normal healthy friendship situation.  You're too invested in having his attention.  Not telling your husband of the continued contact for a period of time, even if that has changed, is also an indication that this is something other than just friendly.

Most people would see what he's doing as just game playing and find it very unattractive and unappealing.  Who cares why he's doing it, there's nothing good to come of it for you. 

You're probably bored and feeling lonely with your husband being busy.  Focus on finding healthy outlets for that boredom - take advantage of opportunities to get to know more people (especially other women).  Get out and enjoy physical activity, even if just walking around and exploring.  There's no good reason to maintain contact with this guy, and wasting any more time thinking about him is just that - a waste.  Get busy with something else, something that is a positive addition to your life.

[glows]

33 minutes ago, Priyanka said:

Already mentioned that my husband knows everything. I stopped him from complaining to the hotel. Also my hubby reads every message of his. No hiding rom husband anymore. Not making the mistake ever again.

Your husband read every single message including this? 

Quote

But as we started to chat that day, he slowly startd saying that he wanted to get 'close to me' and I should open up with him.

Not sure on what planet what husband wouldn’t be suspicious of language like this plus the ensuing texts pleading with you to call him, the calls between the both of you in your call history and so on. Your hubs doesn’t know the full story of what went on. 

53 minutes ago, Priyanka said:

I HAVE/HAD/WILL EVER HAVE ANY SEXUAL DESIRES TOWARDS THIS MAN! I respected him as a chef, wanted to learn from him as Im interested in cooking and we knew him for over a year. Nothing more. Friendship would have been great so I was in awe with him. I am almost asexual, I dont want to have sex with even my husband, let alone other men. YOu got it all wrong.

Realistically, you could learn how to cook from anyone qualified or experienced enough to teach. My ex-husband was a chef so I understand the allure but try figuring out what keeps you tied to this man. There are millions of chefs out there and likely many if not more qualified and upstanding than this one. Are you perhaps more enamoured by his career because you don’t have one anymore? Why not focus on developing yourself regardless of this person? 

I don’t think he’s interested in being your friend at all - best to see that and move on from this. 

[stillafool]

On 12/14/2022 at 6:37 AM, Priyanka said:

I included a note saying that I was ready to get close to him as i would be moving to his city on December 26.

What was your husband's response to this^^^^?

On 12/14/2022 at 6:37 AM, Priyanka said:

Is he throwing some friendship crumbs because i gave him expensive gifts? He is the one who said he loves his family and cant be in touch with me. No friendship too. Then what changed in a week? The contents of the letter? But he said his family is imp to him and now he sends only GM messages. Also i stopped liking his pics on instagram and I stopped posting on my insta too. Im very depressed. What are this man's intentions now? 

What does you husband say about this above and the fact that you're depressed over this man?  Did your husband mind that you bought this guy expensive gifts?

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Priyanka said:

Already mentioned that my husband knows everything.

Ah sorry, missed that. Good that he is reacting sanely.

[Priyanka]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

What was your husband's response to this^^^^?

What does you husband say about this above and the fact that you're depressed over this man?  Did your husband mind that you bought this guy expensive gifts?

Initially my husband wanted to bring this matter to the management notice but I stopped him. I dont want the chef to lsoe his job. I dont want anyone to suffer because of me. Also, I never stopped the chef or blocked him when I knew his intentions. I tried to change his mind for over a period of one month by giving moral lectures. So all that chat he must have saved and can show the management and say that I was interested in him ( though not sexually). Of course my hubby wants me to disconnect totally from this man but he also knows how much I respected this chef for almost a period of 1.5 years, daily watching his cooking videos and following his posts on instagram. I WAS A BIGGGG FAN! However, I was shocked and hurt and depressed and devastated that the chef gave me the same moral lecture on phone suddenly when I was not even texting him or bothering him except following on instagram for over 1 month. What was the need? I am extremely hurt and feel insulted too. So in the note I mentioned that I wanted to get close and all blah, blah so that he comes back to me one day ( may not too) and I can know the reason why he played with me for 3 months and created chaos in my life. He made me look like the one who  was after him for sex and he was the good guy who didnot want to cross the boundaries. When it was exactly the opposite. I dont want to give him the pleasure of ending this on his own terms. Yes, it all sounds vicious but that is what I want to do now. I dont know if it will work at all, but I will surely try. He started sending me GM and good evening messages( just those) suddenly again. Daily.without fail. I copy paste them, dont even bother to type them and engaging him. I just need one chance to remind him that it was HE who initiated all this nonsense, wanted sexual favours while I was respectfully requesting him to be my friend. Please dont find any logic here, I just wanted his friendship, I was his fan for many many months. So my husband knows my every move, he doesnot like all this but still supports me to end this in my way. But I am not at all sure if I will ever get a chance. 

[glows]

You’re motivated by vengeance and making a fool of yourself, OP. This person doesn’t care and the more you try, the more you look like the unhinged or crazy person chasing after someone who sends you meaningless messages that confuse you. 

Unfortunately the more you keep pursuing this trying to prove yourself the more you look like the one who can’t let go and has feelings for him. 

Maybe it’s time to take a good look inwards and acknowledge that you were naive and assumed his messages were about friendship. You made a mistake. He’s not interested in being your friend. I doubt he cares what you think either except for the fact that it strokes his enormous ego to know that you’re still pursuing him trying to prove a point.

Edited December 17, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Priyanka said:

In a period of 1.5 years, daily watching his cooking videos and following his posts on instagram. I WAS A BIGGGG FAN! 

Did you tell your husband about your crush? Please don't ruin this man's career because of an unrequited crush.

Step away and try to fill voids in other ways. Keep in mind that many high profile people may want fans but don't want problems.

[Priyanka]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you tell your husband about your crush? Please don't ruin this man's career because of an unrequited crush.

Step away and try to fill voids in other ways. Keep in mind that many high profile people may want fans but don't want problems.

Oh that is why he asked me ( a fan) for sexual favours? Kept asking me repeatedly knowing very well that it would risk his job? Kept asking me repeatedly though I kept rejecting them? Even now, after he 'rejected' me, keeps sending me messages???? So, who is after whom ? Thanks

[Priyanka]

10 hours ago, glows said:

You’re motivated by vengeance and making a fool of yourself, OP. This person doesn’t care and the more you try, the more you look like the unhinged or crazy person chasing after someone who sends you meaningless messages that confuse you. 

Unfortunately the more you keep pursuing this trying to prove yourself the more you look like the one who can’t let go and has feelings for him. 

Maybe it’s time to take a good look inwards and acknowledge that you were naive and assumed his messages were about friendship. You made a mistake. He’s not interested in being your friend. I doubt he cares what you think either except for the fact that it strokes his enormous ego to know that you’re still pursuing him trying to prove a point.

Right now, Im not trying at all. After he'rejected me' and wanted a guest and host relationship, I never sent a single message or try to contact him. He started to send GM messages daily. I just copy paste back to him. I am not pursuing anything now. I am here in this forum asking you all what would his current intentions are in sending me Gm messages daily after his moral lecture. Hope you got the point.

[LynneVicious]

6 minutes ago, Priyanka said:

Oh that is why he asked me ( a fan) for sexual favours? Kept asking me repeatedly knowing very well that it would risk his job? Kept asking me repeatedly though I kept rejecting them? Even now, after he 'rejected' me, keeps sending me messages???? So, who is after whom ? Thanks

Who cares? This will have to remain one of life’s mysteries. This situation is bad for you, bad for him, bad for everyone. Stop trying to figure out why or how another person thinks and does. That never works. 

No one. Absolutely no one can tell you what his intentions are. It doesn’t matter. 

[BaileyB]

Just walk away… block him, end all communication. It does not matter if he tries to text you, you will not be receiving any texts. 

He is not going to be your “friend.” You can’t even have a professional relationship because the two of you have totally blurred the boundaries of what is appropriate here. Honestly, this is just way too much thinking about a man with whom you are not actually in a relationship. Quit analyzing and just move on with your life. 

Edited December 17, 2022 by BaileyB