MW having affair with MM push and pull

[pushandpull]

My business partner pursued me for 6 months. We are sexting and having phone sex. A little groping when we see each other in person and agreed to not go any further than this, just enjoy the secret we have. Hes hot and cold with me. When he initiates hes hot if i initiate hes cold. He doesn't live up to his big talk in person and if i initiate i leave dissapointed. Hes said twice lets go back to being professional but we then end up talking dirty again during the same call. Im really struggling with the push and pull. I dont want any strings attached and hes agreed but said the L word earlier this week. Hes become a drug for me. When hes good im high and when he does the push I'm so low.   This is my first time.  Is this normal?

 

 

 

[glows]

So go cold when he initiates. Is that an issue for you? Don’t respond and beat him at his own game. He’ll love it. 

This is obviously partially tongue in cheek. I’m nearly certain you’re aware none of this is a good idea and you’re playing with fire. Why even give him the time of day? Just curious.

[pushandpull]

I'm so addicted to the high he makes me feel

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, pushandpull said:

I dont want any strings attached

Hmm… seems to ‘business partner’ is the epitome of ‘strings attached.”

If you want no string attached flirting and sex - find yourself a single man with whom you can enjoy to your hearts content. 

This affair goes sour and all the sudden, you got big problem at work! That’s the opposite of ‘no strings attached’ which to me means, ‘I’m not obligated and not going to be hurt when this ends.’

[glows]

5 hours ago, pushandpull said:

I'm so addicted to the high he makes me feel

It may be time to explore that. Do you always follow your emotions and what you feel or do you stop to think about the aftereffects and pause? 

Whatever you’re doing do the opposite if you’re unhappy. Highs are just highs. There are better highs out there too, steadier natural highs where you feel good about yourself before, during, after. Having good self-esteem is key. Why not engage in other activities that make you feel good throughout instead of this up and down/hot and cold?

Start with reevaluating your marriage and figure out whether it’s contributing to how you feel about yourself. 

Edited December 12, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

Yep, this is what affairs typically look like. 

The highs make you feel amazing, and the lows make you feel like dog-water. It's what you're signing up for if you engage in infidelity. What is your end goal here? It will always be like this, unless you both leave your marriages or one of your gets caught and puts a sudden, complete stop to it. 

It's never going to be consistent, if that's what you're hoping for. 

[JTSW]

You really need to put a stop to the whole thing.

The only one who stands to lose out here is you.

He is using you.

[pushandpull]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yep, this is what affairs typically look like. 

The highs make you feel amazing, and the lows make you feel like dog-water. It's what you're signing up for if you engage in infidelity. What is your end goal here? It will always be like this, unless you both leave your marriages or one of your gets caught and puts a sudden, complete stop to it. 

It's never going to be consistent, if that's what you're hoping for. 

I don't have an end game here tbh, this all happened so fast and all of the sudden I'm in deep.  I don't want a relationship with this person, and think we have an understanding on that.  Honestly I just want the high he's giving me.  Why does it have to be highs and lows?  I don't understand.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, pushandpull said:

 Why does it have to be highs and lows?  I don't understand.

Because he isn't ever going to be consistently available enough to you  for the highs to be consistent. It's not a relationship. 

You aren't his priority so there are going to be plenty of times when he turns his focus back to his wife and to his marriage, and you will be left twisting in the wind. It's the nature of affairs. 

 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, pushandpull said:

 I just want the high he's giving me.  Why does it have to be highs and lows?

Well you have a sexting situation. So that's what you are addicted to. The novelty, the attention, etc. It's an ego boost and thrill for now.  But it may get as dull and flat when the novelty wears off. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, pushandpull said:

Why does it have to be highs and lows? 

Because this is not a normal dating relationship. This is an extramarital affair. He is in control here, he makes time for you when he is able/interested, and your relationship exists for his pleasure and at his convenience. 

Edited December 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[pushandpull]

When I say consistency I don't mean consistent in contact, that's not an issue and we are awesome at putting on our work hats during work and not bringing that the after hours time.  I mean consistent in how he shows up.  Like sometimes he performs, and we have not had sex and have no intention of it as of now, and sometimes he's like a dud and that's when I hit the lows and question why am I even taking this gamble.  Then he performs and it's like a drug dealer getting me high again.  Is it normal for it to be so off some days and so on other days?  Like he begged to see me this week after we already saw each other and the first time we saw each other wham!  I was high as a kite, the second time I was left dissapointed even though we hung out.  I have noticed if I initiate even though he asked to see me, he doesn't perform as I want him to.  Does that make any sort of sense?

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, pushandpull said:

he doesn't perform as I want him to.

This is a very strange question in the context of a relationship - how exactly do you expect him to ‘perform?’ 

[pushandpull]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is a very strange question in the context of a relationship - how exactly do you expect him to ‘perform?’ 

Like, on Weds he initiated everything I played hard to get and I left on my high.  He was so complimentary, flattering, and reminded me of why I'm taking this risk, I know it's selfish and stupid.  On Friday even though he wanted to see me I initiated more and he wasn't the Weds guy.  He was distanced and not into it like he was before.  That is the part I'm really struggling with. 

[BaileyB]

In other words, your expectation is that he’s going to show you attention and feed your ego and when he doesn’t… you feel like he hasn’t played his role?

This is not about him, he is but a bit player in this drama that you have created. You are playing games here and you have expectations - if he doesn’t leave you feeling wonderful about yourself, then he hasn’t done his job.

It goes without saying, there is an urgent need for counselling here.

Edited December 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, pushandpull said:

Like sometimes he performs, and we have not had sex and have no intention of it as of now, and sometimes he's like a dud and that's when I hit the lows

What you are noticing are coincidences, not push-pull. He has an entire life and sex life outside you so whatever variations there are, are due to that. Unfortunately it sounds like a lot of projection of your own moods and marital ups and downs.

[glows]

1 hour ago, pushandpull said:

Like, on Weds he initiated everything I played hard to get and I left on my high.  He was so complimentary, flattering, and reminded me of why I'm taking this risk, I know it's selfish and stupid.  On Friday even though he wanted to see me I initiated more and he wasn't the Weds guy.  He was distanced and not into it like he was before.  That is the part I'm really struggling with. 

I’m seeing a couple of things.

First, it’s not clear why you need that attention. Something about not being pursued, complimented, flattered triggers you into feeling insecure about yourself and even feel pain. I’m referring to initial reactions or pain, sadness.

Did it start with feeling rejected or unloved by your husband?

Second, some people just like pursuing and he may be one of those men.

He gets something out of this too. Maybe he doesn’t have much control in his marriage and pursuing or being the more dominant one in an affair gets him off and makes him feel more powerful as a man. When you are the one pursuing, he no longer gets his fix. 

The important part is recognizing what you get out of this and what your fixation with him means. If your marriage causes you pain face that and find healing. Avoid staying in a broken situation and wondering why you’re broken and pursuing or fixating on other individuals with similar issues. The cycle of pain and sadness is inevitable..

Edited December 12, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, pushandpull said:

  Honestly I just want the high he's giving me.  Why does it have to be highs and lows?  I don't understand.

This is the way human brains tend to be structured. So you are stuck with it.

Affairs can have big stings in their tails. What's the plan for if your husband finds out about it?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, pushandpull said:

He was distanced and not into it like he was before.  That is the part I'm really struggling with. 

Yes, this is normal. 

He isn't going to want to tear your clothes off all the time. That never happens in a relationship, and especially not an affair when so much more is at play. He isn't there to make sure you get your "high" all the time. Your expectations of what affairs are like is just not very realistic. 

You shouldn't be doing this to begin with, but especially not if you can't handle the "cool" periods.

[pushandpull]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, this is normal. 

He isn't going to want to tear your clothes off all the time. That never happens in a relationship, and especially not an affair when so much more is at play. He isn't there to make sure you get your "high" all the time. Your expectations of what affairs are like is just not very realistic. 

You shouldn't be doing this to begin with, but especially not if you can't handle the "cool" periods.

I really appreciate your comment.  I have no idea what to expect and wanted to know if this is normal or not.  I know I shouldn't be doing this but I am. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, pushandpull said:

 I have no idea what to expect and wanted to know if this is normal or not.   

Have a read around some of the other threads here. You will see this is absolutely par for the course in an affair. 

You are going to be very disappointed if you expect to walk away from every encounter feeling fulfilled and boosted. But better question, why are you doing this? 

[Luna66star]

He's probably sleeping with his wife too, worn out doing both of you.  He will go limp from exhaustion.  Don't count on this changing.  Go find a single guy you can have all to yourself.

Edited December 12, 2022 by Luna66star
Typo

[basil67]

6 hours ago, pushandpull said:

I have no idea what to expect and wanted to know if this is normal or not.  I know I shouldn't be doing this but I am. 

There is no "normal" in an affair because it's far more complex than a regular relationship

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

There is no "normal" in an affair because it's far more complex than a regular relationship

Far more complex and yet, at times remarkably predictable. 

[pushandpull]

I've been sexting someone for awhile and he's asked for feet pictures and I told him I'd send one day when he least expects it. Recently 

we've cooled off, still together just not as hot and heavy.  I thinking of surprising him with the picture.  Does this seem desperate?  I just want to heat things up again.