do I tell my husband a guy kissed me at work or just try to move on?

[Deb2847]

We have been married for a couple of years now and he is wonderful. We have a 6 month old daughter. Husband is 26 and I’m 24. I work in a hospital and some weeks I have to work a lot. I have worked with this guy (32) for about 9 months now. I would classify us as friends. There is definitely flirting and a crush. He has always been very forward towards me and we text a good bit. The other day he kissed me, touched me and I think our relationship has gotten a little out of hand. I would never sleep with him of course but it is hard to be around him sometimes. I don’t want to needlessly hurt my husband or jeopardize my job and I’m not sure what to do. 

[Alpacalia]

Why wouldn't you tell your husband?

Do you think he'll leave you over a one time kiss or is there more to the story?

If it's only a one time kiss, a totally unprecedented and singular mistake, if there is much risk that he'll leave over it there are other issues anyway. Yes, I am sure he will be upset, but in that particular circumstance I don't think it will prove to be a catastrophic event.

When it's just shame getting in your way, then you've got to pull on your big girl pants and face the music, even if it was just the fact that you let a crush get carried away.

By the by, friends don't go around romantically kissing and touching each other. 

There's deeper issues brewing then a one-time kissy-poo.

 

[basil67]

Learn from your mistake and never speak of it

[Deb2847]

I feel like I have definitely crossed lines with him. Texting, flirting, and now this. I just don’t want to ruin my marriage. I am thinking about looking for another job. Husband would lose his mind.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Deb2847
Forgot something

[Alpacalia]

Well. If you want to hold on to your husband by all means necessary then keep it to yourself.

This wasn't a drunken kiss. This is someone that you have a crush on and have carried on what looks like the beginning of an emotional affair.

How is your marriage overall? 

Do you feel if you switched jobs that would be the end of your communication with this man?

if you have the ability to move on, and not dwell on it like it never happened, you could get away with the cheating. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Deb2847]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well. If you want to hold on to your husband by all means necessary then keep it to yourself.

This wasn't a drunken kiss. This is someone that you have a crush on and have carried on what looks like the beginning of an emotional affair.

How is your marriage overall? 

Do you feel if you switched jobs that would be the end of your communication with this man?

It would certainly make it easier if we didn’t work together. Our marriage is good. We have had our problems but we love each other and are happy.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

It would certainly make it easier if we didn’t work together. Our marriage is good. We have had our problems but we love each other and are happy.

It's a tough decision, and you'll have to weigh the pros and cons.

A lot of it depends on how you deal with the guilt. Does this bother you a lot? In this case, you might be miserable, and your husband won't know what's up. And that’s going to make him frustrated. If in that mental state, you were to finally confess or he were to find out, the damage would be worse. Because there’s also the act of lying attached to it now.

Whatever the case may be. I hope you have a good outcome!

[Deb2847]

Yes it does bother me a lot. At first I didn’t really feel like I was doing anything wrong but now things have turned slightly physical I feel horrible.

[glows]

Consider the issues in your marriage still unresolved. If you leave your current workplace, how does that impact your career or your family. Would it mean more of a commute or would you need to work in a more challenging environment? If you leave how likely is it that you’d still communicate on the phone or arrange to meet with your affair partner?

You have all the tools and abilities and the willpower to put an end to this and you haven’t. There’s little to indicate it just won’t keep repeating itself. 

I’d look at the marriage and where things fell off the rails. As someone else has commented (Mrin, I believe) in another family/parenting thread, the first few years after the firstborn is born is the most vulnerable in any marriage.

[Deb2847]

I am planning on talking to guy I work with and tell him we just need to have a professional relationship. I could probably find a similar job pretty easily.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

I am planning on talking to guy I work with and tell him we just need to have a professional relationship. I could probably find a similar job pretty easily.

Then do this but also have that private conversation with yourself and figure out what caused this in the first place or why this coworker seemed remotely enticing.

Your husband and you may want to try new things and try appreciating each other more. More dates, flirting, support for one another. You have his back and he has yours. More teamwork. Less of the roommate thing, more of a dating thing. 

[Deb2847]

Thanks guys 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, it's a big slip up on your part but the important thing is that you realized your mistake. And, you said you feel terrible about it.

Although I'm no clairvoyant, I have a pretty good sense of what your future may look like if you do or do not tell him. I suppose that's why I would say tell the truth, not only because he deserves to know (you would want to know too if he had kissed another woman) but also for yourself.

If you have the ability to move on, and not dwell on it like it never happened, then that's what you have to do. Until the next time, or there's a chance you'll blurt it out in a moment of weakness or if this "thing" continues with this other man. And boy, that’s going to be ugly.

I was in a long-term relationship and I developed an attraction to another man. Didn't act on it but I do understand your struggles. it was getting stronger and I felt best to come out with it.

And I did.

If he decides to leave, it’s his call. 

Just something to consider. I understand the part about not telling him too.

Good luck either way!

Edited December 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

I would classify us as friends. There is definitely flirting and a crush. He has always been very forward towards me and we text a good bit. The other day he kissed me, touched me

You are not friends. 

You are cheating on your husband with this man. It was emotional, and now it is physical. It is good you want to put a stop to this, but be honest with yourself that this not a friendship. It's an affair. You have to end this immediately. 

8 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

Our marriage is good. We have had our problems but we love each other and are happy

Something here is not jiving. People in happy marriages don't tend to look outside the relaitonship for attention, Deb. It seems as though you want to believe you are happy with your husband, but the truth is that something is not going well. You wouldn't be getting close to another guy if everything was good in the marriage. 

I would encourage you to dig deep and be 100% honest with yourself about why you let this happen. You may be in denial about some things, but if you are not honest with your own feelings, it stands to happen again in the future with someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

I don’t want to needlessly hurt my husband or jeopardize my job and I’m not sure what to do. 

You're right. This seems like an ego boost for you. However for him it would be a notch on the bedpost for the workplace wolf.

Steer clear and try to reflect why you are feeling lonely and forlorn. 

It may be time to discuss postpartum issues with your physician on your next appointment.

[Fox Sake]

You're a mother now. Family and home life is important for building a stable and loving home/family for your baby. That should be your priority. Don’t pretend like you can’t help yourself with this work guy - just make a conscious decision to put a complete stop to the inappropriate behaviour and focus on what you have. 

Just looking at some of the advice here….You could remain hush about it , but that will likely  manifest itself in other ugly and devastating ways that will have a negative impact on your relationship or levels of trust. Whether or not you could live with yourself with that as a secret, is up to you. I couldn’t! 

Really tho, you have to look at the *facts*… those are; that you’ve been emotionally cheating on your partner for quite some time and indulging in behaviour that would hurt him. You allowed it and encouraged it. At some point you’re going to have to take responsibility for those actions and it’s already gone too far. I’m sure if the roles were reversed - you would be devastated 

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Fox Sake
Autocorrect

[Weezy1973]

Agree that this isn’t just a kiss. It’s an affair. If you want a solid marriage you have to tell your husband and proactively leave your current workplace. However search inside yourself - is this likely to happen again? Are you naturally flirty? Does some of you self esteem come from getting attention from men? Part of being in.a healthy marriage is understanding these parts of ourselves and then making sure we don’t get into situations that can escalate. If you find yourself attracted to someone else, keep your distance. If they start flirting with you, shut it down immediately etc.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Weezy1973

[LynneVicious]

You’ve done a fantastic job downplaying this. Things just haven’t been getting “a little out of hand”. You’re in an affair. All the mental gymnastics won’t change that. 

Now you need to end it, quit your job, tell your husband, and give him the agency of the truth. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I say hold off main because you're completely complicit here. This was not an assault, right? You've been flirting with the guy right? You have not been drawing the right boundaries is what I hear you saying. Sounds like you went along with the kiss. 

So if you disclose to hubby, you won't just be saying "this guy did this." You'll also be saying I basically encouraged (maybe naively and unknowingly) this guy to do this. That's a much bigger problem you're dumping on hubby.

I say get serious with yourself and draw a boundary with work guy. And no, you don't need to speak of this to hubby. You didn't have sex with coworker and you aren't having an affair.  And you're drawing a line after one slip.  Disclosure is not necessarily a cleanse. It's frequently just a manure dump that couples struggle to clean up. 

I'm going to mention age here. At 24, I was completely and clueless about not cutting off flirtatious energy with people. At that age, I thought, "Oh, I'm a good person. I would never betray partner." Well you get a little older, and actually you learn that you want to stop any flirtatious energy way before you're kissing and way before you're having sex. You don't take any steps down the affair path, because once you're on that path it's easier for things to happen than you think. Feel fortunate that this was just a kiss. 

Drawing the line--staying away from the flirtatious energy with Mr. 32-year-old can be good practice for you. 

And btw: there are people who are safe to flirt with at work (at least I've met such people). They understand you don't want to do anything and wouldn't kiss you. The flirting is part of humorous play.  Mr. 32 year-old is apparently NOT such a person.  So you gotta screen for who it is safe to harmlessly flirt with at work. Learn from this. No need to disclose. Not a catastrophe. Move on. 

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Deb2847]

You would classify this as an affair?

I’m going to start looking for another job.

Definitely wasn’t assault. I’m sure I encouraged it. Going to take some time and decide if I should tell my husband, still not sure.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Deb2847
Forgot something

[Alpacalia]

Deb, something is obviously not right within your marriage. Are you not of the same opinion?

It will not be an easy conversation for either of you to have, and there is a good chance that he will react badly.

Do right by the both of you.

Give him and yourself the opportunity to clearly identify whatever is going on in your marriage and how you will move forward from this point on. Not repeating it can’t be used as an excuse. Certainly there is a possibility that he will be mature enough to deal with it and you will both be able to work through the situation together.

It is not quite likely, but it is possible.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Deb2847]

I think our marriage is great and it is probably just me

i also don’t think there is a possibility of this happening again if I go to a new job

Edited December 11, 2022 by Deb2847

[Lotsgoingon]

Give it a week or two and see how you feel. You may feel very connected with hubby and appreciative of him and this incident might recede from your mind.

Long term yes, you want to cultivate a better ability to push away people who are coming too close to you. Work on that, and that's a far better and bigger gift to your husband (and to yourself and to the marriage) than disclosing this little slip.  

Do make sure this was a slip and not some deep sign of dissatisfaction that you've been pretending away.

 

 

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

I would classify us as friends. There is definitely flirting and a crush. He has always been very forward towards me and we text a good bit.

I would not classify that as friends. I would say that you are having an emotional affair with a coworker.

16 hours ago, Deb2847 said:

The other day he kissed me, touched me and I think our relationship has gotten a little out of hand. I would never sleep with him of course

Well, you are clearly on the path to becoming more physical with this man.

If you value your marriage and want to keep your baby’s family together - you need to end all this flirting, and texting, and whatever else is happening with this coworker. Can you change shifts or move to another department - I would end it entirely. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Deb2847 said:

i also don’t think there is a possibility of this happening again if I go to a new job

Well then, you need to firm up your boundaries with other men…

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB