The Importance of Asking Questions (Or NOT)

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, I realize I’m a bit of an oddball for this but I really never liked being asked a bunch of questions, either while interacting on line, texting, on a date or just meeting people generally.

For me the best dates and best interactions were when the conversation flowed freely and naturally; we both opened up sharing our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, about life and about the world, wherever the conversation took us.  And the other would respond in kind.

I am married now and I STILL don’t like being asked questions, by co-workers or new friends I meet, I find questions imposing, contrived and forced.  

My husband KNOWS not to ask me questions, even something as simple as asking me about my day because he KNOWS that I will share with him about my day when I feel relaxed, open and ready to engage.  Which is pretty much all the time anyway since I LOVE to talk and communicate!

And what's great about us is HE is the exact same way!

I really do think questions are highly over-rated, people constantly complain about NOT being asked questions and take it as a negative when they're not; my advice is why not just open up and talk?  Why do you need to be asked questions to do that?

When two people are clicking and vibing, it really does flow easily and almost effortlessly! 

Whenever I was chatting on line with a man or on a date and it was so awkward and uncomfortable that in order to have a natural and fun conversation (or attempt to anyway) one or the other was forced to ask questions, I knew he wasn’t for me, next.

Again I KNOW I am a weirdo about this, but does anyone else feel the same?

Why is it SO important to be asked questions?  Most of the time, the other person doesn’t even care, it’s a way to break the ice or the monotony of an otherwise boring conversation. 

In one ear and out the other much of the time.  They may even ask the same question twice, that's how much they didn't care about it when you answered the first time.

JMO!!! 

But again interested if anyone else feels this way OR am I just a complete and total weirdo!!!  LOL

Thoughts?

Edited December 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

Yeah, you're a total weirdo 😜 

Hubby and frequently find ourselves complaining about the company of those who only want to talk about themselves and never ask us questions.  

As it so happens, he got home from golf with his best mates an hour or so ago and told me with pleasure "they actually remember what our kids are doing and ask me questions".  I replied "Yep, I know. It's why I enjoy the company of a particular group of school mums when we catch up - everyone takes real interest in each other".   Generally speaking, I do my best to avoid those who don't ask questions.... and as my own memory is like a sieve, I'm forgiving of those who accidentally ask the same question twice

Meanwhile, my son's speech therapist is teaching him to ask questions of others in order to show interest.

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

I observe that you tend to be quite open about yourself just from reading your posts. So maybe they don't feel a need to ask questions?

Edited December 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I have a completely different perception of you. I observe that you tend to be quite open about yourself just from reading your posts.

Yup, you get me @Alpacalia I AM open.  I love sharing thoughts and feelings about nearly everything (including myself at times when it's relevant to the topic and adds value or I perceive it to add value) and I have had some fantastic and inspiring conversations with people, including my husband and previous boyfriends by being open in this way.  And they respond in kind.  It's just a natural flow, I don't know how else to describe.

BUT again I don't like being asked questions!   I prefer to open up when I am ready to open up, when I am comfortable with someone and we're clicking and vibing.

And like I said when that's happening, it's easy and effortless.

I think part of it is because even though I can be very open, I am also a very private person and some of the questions I am asked I feel are imposing and intrusive.

What's interesting @basil67is I never felt that when someone (like a date or friend) didn't ask me questions, they weren't interested in me or my life, I interpreted it as they were being thoughtful and careful to not impose or be intrusive and trusted that when I was ready to share something about myself and my life, I would. 

And I did!  Which made it easier for them to open and up share about things THEY wanted to share, not about things I wanted to know and asked them questions about, if that makes ANY sense at all, lol.

I dunno, it's hard to explain I guess.  

But yeah I fully admit I am very much a weirdo, probably about a lot of things and this is just one of them.  I will own that.

Because most people DO like being asked questions and if it's a new date or person, will interpret not being asked questions like that person doesn't care and shut down because of it.

I totally understand that even though it's not how I myself perceive it.

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

What's interesting @basil67is I never felt that when someone (like a date or friend) didn't ask me questions, they weren't interested in me or my life, I interpreted it as they were being thoughtful and careful to not impose or be intrusive and trusted that when I was ready to share something about myself and my life, I would. 

Almost without exception, I've found that those who don't ask questions truly aren't interested in me or my life.   And watching on with my son's speech therapy, I've become even more attuned to it.  

For example, if I tell a 'question asking person' what I've been up to, they will show interest by asking follow up questions.  "OMG how did you react?"  "Where is this this place?"   Where as the ones who never ask questions won't engage further with my update.   Recent example of this: I was excited about getting involved in a particular event.  I told one group of friends (the kind who ask questions) and they were excited for me and wanted to know more. Then I told some people who never ask questions and they responded with "Yes, we've got friends who've done that".  Complete disinterest.  Absolute shutdown of my conversation. 

I am curious though how you go about meeting new people at events or dating if questions aren't desirable.  If you're at a party and someone comes up and introduces themselves, how do you make conversation without finding out some basic information about each other?   Sure, you can talk about how great the party is, but what then?  

Edited December 9, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I prefer to open up when I am ready to open up, when I am comfortable with someone and we're clicking and vibing.

I agree and I think that is perfectly reasonable. 👍 No qualms from me!  Good topic. 

I totally understand what you are saying. Maybe it is a bit too much for my own good as I am a pretty guarded person by nature. I have gotten commented on it by others "too mysterious" or "unreadable." I find that funny (not because of those comments because it is true to a degree) but because I dated a person in law enforcement once and he would say that he couldn't get a read on me which freaked him out. 

Separate from that, there's a difference, I believe, between being asked a question or two or being asked a question that's inappropriate. Do you think that might be part of it?

Edited December 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

This is probably the first time I've heard of people hating to ask or answer questions, assuming that they're interested in another person or a topic. 

The thing about hating to answer or ask questions and only "opening up" and sharing what you feel like sharing when you are in the mood is that nobody talking with you can have anything to do with driving the conversation.   I mean, of course you'll give them space to expound on whatever they feel like holding forth about, but that doesn't exactly encourage give and take.   Seems more like taking turns giving monologues.  

Some people, and I would be one, are just very curious by nature and approach all aspects of life full of questions.  If I'm very interested in something or a person, I want to know as much as I can learn.   It wouldn't work for me to just hang out for hours or years waiting until whatever I was particularly interested in exploring came up organically and I got to hear a ... lecture?  speech?  Ted talk without the question and answer period?  Sounds boring to me.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting. There's too vast a difference in terms of cultural and personal preferences.

One person may feel asking questions means interest another finds it nosy and intrusive.

[FMW]

Some questions of course are intrusions and/or rude, depending on your relationship with the person asking.  But in my experience, those types of questions don't happen too often.  

It sounds like I'm the reverse of you - I don't freely share a lot of things, in part because I'm not sure others in general are that interested in hearing it.  If they don't ask questions I take that as confirmation that they indeed are not interested. And in that case I'm not interested in sharing things, especially if they are important to me.  Especially in a close, intimate relationship (like with a significant other) I think asking questions is important.  I would have trouble feeling close to someone who was put off by my asking questions.  I would feel like there was a barrier and I was firmly placed on the outside, only allowed in when and how they chose.   

In my experience, when I'm clicking with someone, the questions are natural and go back and forth based on what the other has just said.  If questions feel forced, then I'm not feeling any connection and in that case the conversation will probably end quickly.

[Lotsgoingon]

Interesting romance model you have.

Yes, I'm in the opposite. Love asking questions and being asked questions. Love it.

Can't imagine life without questions. But it's not a 100 percent correlation. Some people are really good listeners or they have a good intuition and don't need to ask questions as much as others. Some people can just add up the clues of what they do hear in order to get the full picture that others only get through questions.

Interesting.

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

It depends, but yes, if rattling off a list of questions and not paying attention to your answers is how someone "gets to know you" that is certainly off-putting. That's by no means everyone one will have a conversation with, though. But the people who ARE like that are certainly irritating.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Can't imagine life without questions. But it's not a 100 percent correlation. Some people are really good listeners or they have a good intuition and don't need to ask questions as much as others.

I agree with this.  I think that I'm very intuitive.  My partner and I have a deep relationship and understand each other on a level that can't be achieved by question/answer communication.  That's in large part attributable to basic compatibility, chemistry, etc.  We are just a great fit with complimentary communication styles.

I had a stint of online dating as well as other dating and definitely experienced some times where a date seemed more like an interview.  I put this down to just not hitting it off.   

In friendships, dinner parties, and romantic relationships I think that people will miss out on a tremendous amount if exploring through questions is not a part of things.  So many fascinating rabbit holes gone ignored.  

One thing about relying solely on "intuition" and "vibing":  I've found that in general, people who are very entrenched in this are bad listeners and vastly overestimate their "spidey senses."   They don't listen, hear, see the other person because they are busy listening to THEMSELVES.   It's a slippery slope, as intuition is hugely important and a major gift.   

Many posts on forums like this are good examples.  Someone is TELLING another person that they do not want to be together.  Yet the one on the receiving end is "intuiting" that they really DO want to be together because of some "sign" that they've perceived.  There are thread after thread like this, and always the reliable "intuitives" advising the poster to NOT listen to what the other person is saying and to go with the story they are telling themselves.

It's bad enough when trying to date, but a death knell in a longterm relationship.

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[poppyfields]

Hey thanks guys. 

I'll give an example of how I respond when being  asked questions versus not, by two different people.

It's a work situation but it's a good example. 

Two coworkers. 

One co-worker with whom I don't click that well (we get along professionally but personally I find him overbearing), after a weekend will ask me - how was your weekend?  What did you do? Did you watch the game?  Does your husband like baseball?  Or is he a football fan?  

No doubt he's being friendly which is very nice but I feel imposed upon by these questions and will give short answers then get back to work.

Another co-worker with whom I click much better, feel more comfortable with and sometimes go to lunch with will say - "Morning Poppy!  Hope you had a great weekend!   We did, but exhausted, we were up late last night watching the game, it was awesome! 

And I'd respond without prompting "yeah we did too and agree!"

After which we would begin a spirited back and forth about our weekend, the game and whatever else came to mind!

Naturally and spontaneously.

I'm not totally averse to questions when relevant to the conversation and when again I'm comfortable and vibing well with someone. 

In a dating situation, being asked questions such as - how old are you?  What's your background, race?  What do you do for a living? Did you go to college?  Where?  Do you have a "type"? 😳

Those types of questions I felt were totally imposing and turned me off.

I know, totally weird and I acknowledge that. 

In any event, my style worked well for me and the men I dated and with making friends. 

Hard to explain, there was just a natural flow, an easy effortless exchange.  With some questions relevant to the exchange but not too imposing. Imo..

The reason I created this thread was because I read an article about it yesterday and it stated how important it was to ask questions!!

Which got me thinking how much I never liked it and always preferred communicating and opening up naturally and spontaneously.

And was quite adept at doing so!  But again only with people I'm comfortable and vibing well with. 

Edit:  Agree with the comment about being intuitive, tuned into each other, naturally.

Yes that's it!  Pretty much in a nutshell. 😂

No wrong or right.  Only what's right for us as individuals and as a couple, together.

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

In my experience, when I'm clicking with someone, the questions are natural and go back and forth based on what the other has just said.  If questions feel forced, then I'm not feeling any connection and in that case the conversation will probably end quickly

Yes, this is me as well @FMW.

[poppyfields]

I just thought of something else which may describe how I feel better and how contrived I think some questions are. 

How often do you hear someone ask almost without thinking - how are you? 

Do they really care?   Asking out of some duty or obligation to be polite? 

I recall one instance when someone asked another, "how are you"?  And the person responded, "lousy, I'm feeling sick today." 

And the other person responded, "that's great"! 

Obviously not having even listened to the answer but since most people answer "fine thanks," they responded "great."

Like a robot.

That's an extreme example but nevertheless illustrates how contrived  many questions are and how as a society, it's drilled into us to show interest and be polite by asking questions even if the answers aren't of any particular interest to us. 

Edited December 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Certainly, there are differences between the two.

If someone is the chatty Cathy type and wants to talk all the time, I have limited bandwidth available. Someone who spends too much time talking about themselves has not established a clear line of distinction between them and their surroundings. In fact, it doesn't even cross the mind of these people to consider whether their droning on at any given moment is boring to others.

I have a childhood memory of my mother forcing me to go to a youth group when these social events came up because she was concerned about my salvation at the time.

There was nothing wrong with these kids at all. There were a lot of nice people and they were all very friendly. BUT, they were so booorraaaring.

Probably because they had aversion to sin, they didn't curse or tell dirty joke. It was a simple little circle of people who sat in a circle and made small talk and smiled at one another. No edge to them at all. If they are right with their faith, I am definitely hell bound. It's straight to the bottom. The hottest floor available. 

The “too much“ questions might be in the eye of the beholder.

Cultural for sure.
Some people are just interested.
Some people are nosy.

Then again, intelligent people have a certain set of traits which make him or her stand out from the crowd. One of those characteristics is thinking and asking questions. They can dig down to the very roots of problems, think in order to ask a wider range of questions, think in order to change and adapt, and inspire creativity.

What a good thing that is.

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Asking people "how are you" is just a social nicety like saying "thank you" even if you're not feeling particularly grateful.  

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Asking people "how are you" is just a social nicety like saying "thank you" even if you're not feeling particularly grateful.  

Thanks, I realize that which was my entire point.  I dislike these sort of societal "niceties" I find them contrived and phony.

I prefer real and genuine and could do without being asked questions when they are only being asked out of politeness or a nicety which I find is what's happening much of the time.  Not all the time, as I said when asked a question within the context of a conversation, I welcome it!  And will engage back.

If you're cool with such societal niceties, fabulous!  That's why I created the thread, to get different opinions.  No right or wrong.

In any event, I have requested the thread be closed, my question has been answered, thanks to all who chimed in!! 💛

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks but you missed my entire point.

I don't think I did - you think it's a contrived question,  are concerned whether the asker "cared" and also noted that they didn't listen to the answer.  You're certainly not wrong.  That's the way it goes with social conventions.

[Lisa]

Closure requested by OP