Holiday family time argument

[Traveler1093]

Before the thanksgiving holidays my dad was asking about coming down to visit. We live a few states away and it is a days worth of driving to get here. My wife let him know we will be having company(her family) over Thanksgiving and would be best to find another time to come to stay. We have limited space in our home it is only a 3 bedroom and we have three kids. 
Thanksgiving came and passed and now my family is scheduled to come over Christmas. My wife’s sister met someone where we live and things are getting serious with them. She is coming to stay with him, but he is always scheduled to go on vacation with his family over Christmas. So I asked what my wife’s sister would be doing over Christmas with her boyfriend out of state on vacation and she said she would probably be hanging out at her boyfriends place. She mentioned she would probably come over here for Christmas Day. 
This is where it got bad. I let her know it bugged me that we just told my dad not to come over the thanksgiving holiday. And now her sister would be coming over on Christmas Day while my family is here. She is pissed at me for saying I’m bugged by this. Told me she told my dad that because of the sleeping arrangements. It didn’t bother me what she said to my dad because I would rather they come at different times, but it does bug me  knowing that after he was told not to come over thanksgiving, now he would be here over Christmas and my wife’s sister would also be invited that same day, even if not overnight. Makes me feel crappy knowing my dad would probably wondering why he was told not to come thanksgiving, but now is here Christmas but it is ok that my wife’s sister comes that same day. Again my wife said it is different because it was about sleeping arrangements and tells me I am being rude for saying it bugs me.  Turned into an argument with her yelling at me about how rude i am for saying that it bugs me. In my mind it was her sisters decision to still come down, knowing her boyfriend will be gone over Christmas.

Please give me advise on this. Am I ok to be bothered by this situation?

[glows]

Why wasn’t it you to talk with your dad and why did your wife step in and talk with him about Thanksgiving? She basically turned your dad away instead of you letting him know. 

I find it hard to believe your dad would be offended over someone coming over to share food and festivities. Have the two ever argued or not gotten along? 

Since she’s not staying over, I’m not sure what the issue is either. Are you sure you’re still not angry over Thanksgiving that your dad didn’t get to stay with you? Are you annoyed with your wife about anything else in the marriage? 

I think you should apologize to your wife and she needs to calm down and not overreact so badly over you being honest in the way you feel. She owes you an apology for her reaction. Her yelling and flying off the handle suggests there are far deeper issues in your marriage. 

Edited December 5, 2022 by glows

[Traveler1093]

Thank you Glows for your response.

I wasn’t the one to tell him because she was having the conversation with my dad. She told me what she texted him. 
I’m not bothered about him not coming thanksgiving. Obviously I would have loved to have him there but again it seems better/easier to have the families over separately. 
We have been having difficulties lately and never have been able to talk things out after ten years being together. They almost always end up neither one of us apologizing and things get swept under the rug. I’ll admit I am stubborn, we both are. On the other hand she is very defensive and will raise her voice at me during arguments. I can try calmly talking to her but she gets upsets very easily and ends up getting heated fast, I’ve always believed it was from her childhood since her dad was the same way while she was growing up. I typically don’t tell her how I feel because of this. 
Thanks again, it’s nice to see others perspectives. 

[basil67]

I'm trying to get a better understanding of the situation.   When your dad was wanting to come for thanksgiving, was it just him or was it your family?  If it was your family, how many extra people would have been coming?  Were they wanting to stay overnight?  

Am I correct in understanding that your wife's sister and partner would be just two people extra in total?   And they aren't staying overnight? 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Traveler1093 said:

Thank you Glows for your response.

I wasn’t the one to tell him because she was having the conversation with my dad. She told me what she texted him. 
I’m not bothered about him not coming thanksgiving. Obviously I would have loved to have him there but again it seems better/easier to have the families over separately. 
We have been having difficulties lately and never have been able to talk things out after ten years being together. They almost always end up neither one of us apologizing and things get swept under the rug. I’ll admit I am stubborn, we both are. On the other hand she is very defensive and will raise her voice at me during arguments. I can try calmly talking to her but she gets upsets very easily and ends up getting heated fast, I’ve always believed it was from her childhood since her dad was the same way while she was growing up. I typically don’t tell her how I feel because of this. 
Thanks again, it’s nice to see others perspectives. 

There is so much here to dismantle and I have a lot of questions regarding the family dynamics. The most distressing and peculiar thing I’m hearing is that there’s a great need to keep the families separate or not to mingle. Is this any indication also of the way you feel towards your wife? Fear, intimidation or lack of desire to mix with her or open up to your wife? She doesn’t like that you seem to be stubborn and can’t reason with her or level with her.

If neither of you are acknowledging a disagreement is over and come to some solution, one person keeps feeling provoked. There’s no excuse for yelling but avoid provoking her or escalating minor issues. 

This issue with the Xmas Day guests is a disagreement about misgivings and resentments in your marriage and strong desire to each have your way - war of egos. 

Isn’t the holidays meant to get together and embrace the spirit of giving? You both seem equally lost and more intent to hurt each other. If you want to remain married let this go. You’re on a path collecting resentments and bound to end up divorced or living in perpetual misery.

May I ask if you want to remain married to your wife? 

[Wiseman2]

It may be less wear and tear and arguments for everyone if you did some research to find nearby affordable motels, inns, BnBs, etc. 

This way there's no issues with bathrooms, privacy, cleaning up, etc.

House guests are a huge imposition and can make holidays a nightmare

It's win-win as far as keeping the peace. Feeding, housing and cleaning up after people is a lot of work and visitors could be kind enough to stay nearby and just visit for the meals and festivities.