Lovebombing?

[Lorenza]

I’m 32 and he’s 40, we’ve been dating for 2 months now. We live in different countries but I have a strong connection to his country as I lived there for a long time before and want to return to at some point. I have friends and family there too. We were able to arrange a meeting when I was visiting my friends and had two long dates while I was there. He also came to visit me and we spent a weekend together in my country. I will visit him soon again and we also have the next meeting booked in for the next month. We chat everyday and have frequent video calls. He’s the one showing all the initiative and doing all the planning, I don’t think I ever even written to him first or suggested things apart from which restaurant we should go to. He always answers and never goes MIA and he’s really good at keeping his word! I don’t think I ever felt ignored or disappointed, which is of course how it should be in the beginning, but men are so flaky nowadays that someone consistent feels special! We’re exclusive and not dating other people but haven’t established a relationship. Haven’t talked about “the future” yet either because it feels too soon. 

Something that worries me though is all the sweet and affectionate things he’s writing. I never thought of it as lovebombing and I actually like it very much, but I just recently saw a video of a woman sharing the messages her ex used to write before he made a complete turnaround and dumped her as if nothing ever happened. Some of the messages she shared were really similar to the ones the guy I’m dating writes or says and there were hundreds of comments from other women claiming their experiences were identical. He once asked me if he’s not being too much and I said no. Apparently he was once dumped because of it. So I wonder if I should see this as a red flag? 
 

I was lovebombed before, but the guy was much more extreme, saying things like “I will marry you one day” or talking about moving in together after only dating for 3-4 months. This one doesn’t say such things and seems careful about not talking about certain things as it’s still so early, but he does say a lot of the “I miss you, longing for you to be here, you can feel safe with me” kind of stuff, counting days until I arrive, lots of compliments. I like all that, but now I’m starting to worry.
 

Does it sound like lovebombing? Should I bring it up? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EternalClarity said:

Does it sound like lovebombing? Should I bring it up? 

What you seem to be describing is the infatuation stage. "Lovebombing" is a popular term for an insincere and manipulative attempt to draw someone in for sex or an abusive relationship. It often has the characteristic of accelerated 'madly in love' type of thing.

Do not discuss lovebombing with him. If you have been hurt before and feel that this tactic was used, try to reflect and regroup.

This is a distance situation so all you can do is remain realistic about it's challenges and not jump in with both feet emotionally physically or otherwise at this time.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, EternalClarity said:

 He’s the one showing all the initiative and doing all the planning, I don’t think I ever even written to him first or suggested things apart from which restaurant we should go to.

Why is this?  Don't you like him?

[Lorenza]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why is this?  Don't you like him?

I like him a lot  I’m not really sure… I’m afraid to look too keen maybe? 

[poppyfields]

How did you meet?  Was it on a dating app? 

Who reached out first?  

How far apart are you, how long is the distance?  

My response to your question will depend on your answers. 

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, EternalClarity said:

He once asked me if he’s not being too much and I said no.

Reading between the lines here, him asking you if you think he's being "too much" suggests that's he's fully aware he's coming off quite strong, that it's calculated, versus something that comes naturally and the result of developing feelings.

The former of which is manipulative imo and I wouldn't trust it. 

I'm curious why you said no.  Clearly you do think it's too much, otherwise this thread would not exist. 

I suggest being real with him and asking him to dial it back. 

He could be sincere or he could have some sort of hidden agenda.  It's hard to say at this point. 

Personally I never fully trusted when a man reached out to me from a long distance away.

My feeling was that if he were sincere about dating to develop a relationship, there are plenty of local women to choose from. 

Dating is challenging enough without throwing long distance into the mix.  I considered it suspect and again never fully trusted it.   This is assuming HE reached out first.  

If you reached out first, same question.  Why?  Are there not local men you could meet and date?

Edited December 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lorenza]

49 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How did you meet?  Was it on a dating app? 

Who reached out first?  

How far apart are you, how long is the distance?  

My response to your question will depend on your answers. 

He was only looking for local women, I changed my location to connect with men from there. We’re 1 h flight apart (cheap flights here in Europe). I’m planning to move back there in a couple of years or maybe sooner. Always liked men from there 😍 

[Lorenza]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Reading between the lines here, him asking you if you think he's being "too much" suggests that's he's fully aware he's coming off quite strong, that it's calculated, versus something that comes naturally and the result of developing feelings.

The former of which is manipulative imo and I wouldn't trust it. 

I'm curious why you said no.  Clearly you do think it's too much, otherwise this thread would not exist. 

I suggest being real with him and asking him to dial it back. 

He could be sincere or he could have some sort of hidden agenda.  It's hard to say at this point. 

Personally I never fully trusted when a man reached out to me from a long distance away.

My feeling was that if he were sincere about dating to develop a relationship, there are plenty of local women to choose from. 

Dating is challenging enough without throwing long distance into the mix.  I considered it suspect and again never fully trusted it.   This is assuming HE reached out first.  

If you reached out first, same question.  Why?  Are there not local men you could meet and date?

I think he was rejected before for coming off too strong hence the self-awareness.

We have already been intimate and after that he started being really affectionate, especially in text. I was really enjoying it until I saw that video and some of the messages the video author made was a bit similar to what he usually writes to me. I also read the comments from other women that they had similar experiences and started doubting the whole thing. 
 

I guess he reached out to me because he thought I am at the location I chose on the dating site. I was about to go the following week so I wanted to find some nice dates to go on the days my friends weren’t available. We really hit it off, met twice and so it started! 
I refuse to date local men! They are too conservative for me. I had so many bad experiences here. 

[glows]

Unfortunately no one is going to be able to tell you whether this guy is a total dud or useless in a relationship. You seem very nervous and anxious in general and have strict requirements about meeting only men in another country. Locals from that country may take you for a catfish, scammer or flake considering you’re not planning to move for another two more years or so. I suggest looking at it from the other side.

You both only have mostly talk to go by as your time spent in person is limited. You’ve crafted it this way only wanting to date overseas men so take it with a pinch of salt. Very down to earth people are likely not going to want to date someone like you ldr for two years. 

[poppyfields]

I dunno, people typically learn from mistakes.   And as such, one would assume if he got rejected in the past for coming on too strong, to avoid that happening again, he would act more "normal" and dial it back.

But no, here he is, right back at it! 

What those videos were warning you about is that when people come on this hard and fast, they tend to disappear just as fast. 

They're fantasy driven and adrenaline junkies. 

They get off on the "high" of a new love interest but it's not sustainable, and once that high begins to subside, which it inevitably will, they're off in search of their next high. 

Just my sense, I could be wrong.

In any event, proceed with caution is my advice.  

 

Edited December 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Stret]

More or equally concerning is the fact that you're in long distance relationship and don't spend time together. Keep your head and heart cool about this one. A couple of weekends spent together is nothing. Him coming on too strong (again) could be a sign of a player. I'd take a step back, emotionally, you seem overly invested in someone you know nothing about. 

[NuevoYorko]

As someone above posted, OP, you are in an LDR and barely know the guy.  You are getting to know him.  Something you are now learning is that he writes "sweet and affectionate things." Don't count on the magical powers of strangers on the Internet to understand him.  If you don't like his communications, either stop communicating or tell him you'd like him to back off .  Evidently he is open to doing that or he would not have asked you - and you say you LIKE IT.  So why are you here collecting reasons to doubt your own sense about him?

What words he texts you are pretty immaterial.  You are in a pretty unrealistic position of your own choosing.  Only dating men in another country?  You have your work cut out for you.   Keep your eyes open, try to live in reality instead of fantasy, and if you want to get to know a man you'll need to be able to rely on your own senses rather than the 3rd hand ones of strangers on the Internet or, worse, anxiety provoking YouTube videos.

 

Edited December 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed argument