How can I cultivate a deeper friendship with a few friendly acquaintances that are now long distance? Without coming across as creepy / making them uncomfortable.

[Lifeinpixels]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Using people as stepping stones to get to a greater goal, some would call it shallow/selfish. What most of these "friends" saw was a lack of integrity/honesty from you, when your secret was revealed. Can you not just be real/upfront and ask someone out? no, you plot, scheme, use others to get the process going. Dude seriously? Work on your confidence level. Nothing wrong with just taking risks, and deal with the rejection if it occurs.

I see what you’re saying! However, I wouldn’t say I really use anyone. They’re all people I enjoy as friends, and just enjoy having them in their journey with me. 

Seriously though, is it wise to randomly reach out to someone you don’t even know and ask them out? Many girls find that really creepy. I suppose if you meet on a dating app or something that’s one thing, but just randomly reaching out to a girl that you’ve had absolutely no contact or context with and asking them out? I don’t know any girl that would not shut that down right away. 

[Lifeinpixels]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You seem to be trying very hard to make friends with specific people which may seem odd as usually we join groups and clubs or go to events out of our own vested interest or likes etc, not based on someone else. Although I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong it can seem peculiar and stalkerish to the point of people wanting to avoid you. 

The extent to which Alyssa has called it a “scandal” also sounds quite weird and taking things too far in the way she searched you up to ruin your social life. Does she not have anything else better to do? She thought it best to tell her friend/acquaintance Faith and that’s up to her but also quite meddling. 

My thoughts are to think independently of this and start guiding your thoughts in ways that don’t involve these people. Avoid stalking individuals and planning your life around someone you don’t know well from the outset as it can be very creepy. Find out what you love to do and go out and do it. You don’t need to be pursuing specific friendships. Do it for health reasons, intellectual stimulation, trying something new etc. 

Understood. It is true, I won’t lie that I tend to try very hard to befriend specific people, and I have reasons for it. First of all, I’m mildly autistic, and tend to be a lot more selective with friends than most people are. For me I tend to want to befriend very specific people based on vibe, emotional energy, common interests, and how they respond to situations. I get attracted to people differently than the average neurotypical.

As for what Alyssa did, as much as she frustrated and upset me, I gotta say she’s a great girl and has a good heart. She didn’t want to ruin my social life, but she wanted to make a case that what she felt I was doing was wrong and dishonest and felt that people should know what I was really doing. Not to mention many of those friends were also friends of hers and that she cared about. She personally was affected by it as well and so was her boyfriend. I do feel that Alyssa was meddling in my life a little but I know she had good intentions and is just a very caring and protective girl of her friends and boyfriend. Honestly I highly disagree with Alyssa that what I was doing was wrong, but everyone has the right to their own opinions. I do wish she’d think outside the box more and be more accepting of people that are different.

Of course, I don’t want to stalk people, but I do have a hard time not pursuing specific friendships with people. It’s something I’ve done your whole life growing up. As an autistic person, I tend to gain affection and form attachments in different ways. It’s a little hard to explain.

Edited October 8, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

She is 5 years older than me.  live only about 2 hrs and 30 min away from each other.

This has a lot to do with it. Overall dating 30 days and someone needs "space" basically means they are breaking up because they don't see a future. As far as multidating, until you are exclusive with someone you can date others, but make sure you use integrity and don't hurt people. Especially do not date people who know each other or create unpleasant gossip.

[Lifeinpixels]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This has a lot to do with it. Overall dating 30 days and someone needs "space" basically means they are breaking up because they don't see a future. As far as multidating, until you are exclusive with someone you can date others, but make sure you use integrity and don't hurt people. Especially do not date people who know each other or create unpleasant gossip.

What??? I wasn’t dating multiple people.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Of course, I don’t want to stalk people, but I do have a hard time not pursuing specific friendships with people. It’s something I’ve done your whole life growing up. As an autistic person, I tend to gain affection and form attachments in different ways. It’s a little hard to explain.

Alyssa is the quintessential drama queen. You don’t need to make excuses for people who don’t know how to shut up or mind their own business. If she doesn’t like what you’re doing simply distance herself and move on. Instead she makes a big stink out of things that have little to do with her. 

It’s important you focus more on people and situations that add to your life in meaningful ways and engage less in actions/situations like this. Be genuine in your actions and seek less the validation of others. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Lifeinpixels said:

 I wasn’t dating multiple people.

Ok why is Alyssa injected into all this then? Your post mentioned both these women and your association with Alyssa causing problems. It shouldn't if you are friends with her. Either way she's not responsible for the breakup. 

And how did that play into the woman you were dating "needing space" aka breaking up.

Edited October 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Mike B.]

No offense but this story seems really extraordinary. It almost reminded me of one of those little Hallmark shows or whatever my girlfriend likes to watch.  Also, the ultimate question was sort of one that asks if your behavior was strange rather than how to still attract Faith after this occurred. Either way, I must admit, it was a fun read.

So just to recap:

You saw a woman twice only from a distance but became set on meeting her even though you never saw here close up. You then happened to hear of her name from friends who knows her 300 miles away and you immediately thought "hey, that sounds like my Faith" even though this is many miles away. That's one hell of a coincidence, really...

You then proceeded to sign up for a class that she was teaching many miles away and you participated in said class and obviously became a star pupil since you ended up pulling the teacher of the class herself. 

You then showed up at Faith's church. She was not surprised by this at all but instead asks if she and her friend could take you to lunch. She wasn't creeped out by the flirty guy from the Crossfit class suddenly showing up at her church. She didn't ask any questions but invited you out.

Alyssa became so suspicious of your social wings and decides to run this whole professional level investigation on you and find out that you tend to meet people like Faith all the time using similar methods. However, you do not befriend anyone from  your dorm or in your everyday life but you are very effective at befriending others through the social media platforms.

Alyssa, told a bunch of people what she found out and they almost seem like a group standing in line to cut you off because of your social media practices over the last several years. Despite the friendship, they still cut you off due to breach of trust from doing it in the first place.

Faith, who is not your girlfriend, if I understood correctly,  but is someone who is casually getting to know you learns of all of this and say "I am going to need to consult my friends and family on whether I should proceed with a relationship with you." She couldn't consult them on whether if she should break up with you or not because you are not officially dating but she is going to approach her family about this anyway.

Well, the story sounds a bit out there. I think it is a very unusual way to get to know people. This would sort of be in the "overly monitoring" realm of things. It begs the questions of why would you even need to use your regular methods in meeting folks when you seem to have the skills to do very well without using those methods.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Mike B.

[healing light]

1 hour ago, Mike B. said:

Alyssa became so suspicious of your social wings and decides to run this whole professional level investigation on you and find out that you tend to meet people like Faith all the time using similar methods.

 

This is what struck me as the most bizarre. Why is okay when Alyssa does it but not the original poster? What was her vested interest to be stalking him enough to realize that this is what he does? It strikes me as even more obsessive and creepy to realize it and put it all together than OP, especially if she was just some kind of distant friend or acquaintance. 

[mark clemson]

You're allowed to run your own life and choose/"work on" your friendships as you see fit. Others may see it as odd or even inappropriate/disingenuous, but c'est la vie.

The same holds true for Faith, and she can choose to date you or not as she sees fit.

Alyssa seems to me a bit of a busybody in that she seems to feel there is a "right" way to go about establishing friendships, and it's her way not yours. This is perhaps understandable, but is also narrowminded and intrusive on her part. You are not "endangering" these friends, nor, does it appear, exploiting them,  nor, unless there's part of this you are not telling us, are you "forcing" friendships just because you have a plan. You can't force someone to be your friend. While some might find it odd, this is just how you choose to run your own social life.

There are other fish in the sea and if you lose Faith over this, so be it. You will eventually find partners who understand, tolerate, and possibly participate/assist you. You should take Alyssa's reaction as a reminder to be subtle about this (because, again, some will find it disingenuous) but really her reaction is also inappropriate because you aren't actually doing anything wrong.

Edited October 9, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

First of all FaceTime phone calls do NOT equate to casual dating! Why don’t you actually date someone in your area?

second - it is really creepy to gather so much info on people to manipulate outcomes. I don’t know how people have that much time to create such a farce for circumstances.

yes, you misrepresent yourself. It’s stalker behavior. 

stop using any social media for six months and try meeting people face to face only - in REAL life.

do you work full time? Do you support yourself?

[Lifeinpixels]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok why is Alyssa injected into all this then? Your post mentioned both these women and your association with Alyssa causing problems. It shouldn't if you are friends with her. Either way she's not responsible for the breakup. 

And how did that play into the woman you were dating "needing space" aka breaking up.

Alyssa is not someone I was dating. When I was a college student, she was a grad student that was actually one of the resident directors and kind of had some authority over me. She and I were definitely casual friends though and enjoyed chatting with each other and hanging out; until she told me off and got really upset for the way I was pursuing relationships with people.

Faith was also a former resident director, so Alyssa and Faith were colleagues and also personal friends (not besties but hung out quite a bit). Alyssa was just telling Faith her concerns about me and the possibility that I could've been influencing the whole process intentionally when it came to me meeting Faith in the first place. 

[Lifeinpixels]

2 hours ago, Mike B. said:

No offense but this story seems really extraordinary. It almost reminded me of one of those little Hallmark shows or whatever my girlfriend likes to watch.  Also, the ultimate question was sort of one that asks if your behavior was strange rather than how to still attract Faith after this occurred. Either way, I must admit, it was a fun read.

So just to recap:

You saw a woman twice only from a distance but became set on meeting her even though you never saw here close up. You then happened to hear of her name from friends who knows her 300 miles away and you immediately thought "hey, that sounds like my Faith" even though this is many miles away. That's one hell of a coincidence, really...

You then proceeded to sign up for a class that she was teaching many miles away and you participated in said class and obviously became a star pupil since you ended up pulling the teacher of the class herself. 

You then showed up at Faith's church. She was not surprised by this at all but instead asks if she and her friend could take you to lunch. She wasn't creeped out by the flirty guy from the Crossfit class suddenly showing up at her church. She didn't ask any questions but invited you out.

Alyssa became so suspicious of your social wings and decides to run this whole professional level investigation on you and find out that you tend to meet people like Faith all the time using similar methods. However, you do not befriend anyone from  your dorm or in your everyday life but you are very effective at befriending others through the social media platforms.

Alyssa, told a bunch of people what she found out and they almost seem like a group standing in line to cut you off because of your social media practices over the last several years. Despite the friendship, they still cut you off due to breach of trust from doing it in the first place.

Faith, who is not your girlfriend, if I understood correctly,  but is someone who is casually getting to know you learns of all of this and say "I am going to need to consult my friends and family on whether I should proceed with a relationship with you." She couldn't consult them on whether if she should break up with you or not because you are not officially dating but she is going to approach her family about this anyway.

Well, the story sounds a bit out there. I think it is a very unusual way to get to know people. This would sort of be in the "overly monitoring" realm of things. It begs the questions of why would you even need to use your regular methods in meeting folks when you seem to have the skills to do very well without using those methods.

Pretty Much Accurate, Yes!

As for Faith, I saw her from a distance a few times, but I did kind of lurk around her social media and find more info about her that way. She was extremely pretty and I also really liked the vibes I got from the way she was writing posts and talking to people on social media via comments, etc. I wasn't really flirting with Faith at the CrossFit classes, but just being very friendly and showing interest in getting to know her better. Some people might consider it flirting but it was on the line. 

Faith was not suspicious about me showing up at her church because she knew I was just visiting the area, as my guy friend introduced us at CrossFit. We also made the connection that we both went to the same college as she was one of the resident directors. By the way, when I was at Faith's church, I faked myself looking surprised to see her there and was like: "Huh, you're here. I never expected to see you here Faith, this is a surprise." Obviously I knew it was her church but faked it. 

You're missing something. I also left out maybe a few important details in my original post. Alyssa was my resident director at college and she had authority over me in some ways. She was also a friend. Technically because of the nature of my relationship with Alyssa, she felt like she had the right to look into an investigation on me. Not to mention it was affecting Alyssa's own boyfriend because I was trying to influence situations to get to know her boyfriend and befriend him, after she told me not to be reaching out to him and that she wanted to remain private about her relationship with her boyfriend. A few mutual friends leaked to her that I was asking around about her boyfriend and discussing ways to try and be close to him and form a natural connection. It all got back to Alyssa and her boyfriend and made her very upset. Then she started to get suspicious and did an investigation on me, because she felt that I was like doing it with a lot people. Not to mention, I was trying to befriend some of Alyssa's best friends as well via strategy and tactics. 

Alyssa only told several mutual friends what she found out. It wasn't just social media practices, but also going to places and joining clubs due to others being there so I can befriend them platonically. Some of those mutual friends brushed it off completely, but a few others didn't like what I was doing and felt that I was being dishonest and manipulative with them which made them lose trust for me and want to dial back the friendships. 

Yes, Faith is not my girlfriend as of now, but I am hoping she will become mine in the next few months. 

The main reason why I use my methods to try and meet people is because, I kind of target specific people that I want in my life. I can get fixated on very specific people due to qualities about them, and am not generally open to just meeting or befriending anyone. I'm very selective. 

[Lifeinpixels]

55 minutes ago, healing light said:

This is what struck me as the most bizarre. Why is okay when Alyssa does it but not the original poster? What was her vested interest to be stalking him enough to realize that this is what he does? It strikes me as even more obsessive and creepy to realize it and put it all together than OP, especially if she was just some kind of distant friend or acquaintance. 

Because, I was using this tactic on Alyssa's new boyfriend after she told me not to reach out to him, and that she wanted to remain private about her relationship. I was trying to befriend her boyfriend. I was also using it on a few of Alyssa's best friends as well. She kind of felt very intruded on and got annoyed. She basically concluded that it was not a coincidence that I was befriending her best friends, and also trying to befriend her boyfriend. Not to mention, I was trying to hangout with Alyssa at one point when I sent her dates I'll be in town, and as soon as I saw her boyfriend's instagram story saying that he'll be out of town those days, I unsent the message to Alyssa, changed the dates of me being in town, and sent her a new message. Why? Because I want to befriend Alyssa's boyfriend. I was also asking around about her boyfriend and talking about strategies to try and befriend him and make myself cross paths with him in order to build a relationship. 

I mean, I guess if you are Alyssa, would you get curious if someone you knew as a casual friend and acquaintance was trying to befriend a lot of people close to you in your life? Would that make you wonder what this person was up to? 

[Lifeinpixels]

57 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You're allowed to run your own life and choose/"work on" your friendships as you see fit. Others may see it as odd or even inappropriate/disingenuous, but c'est la vie.

The same holds true for Faith, and she can choose to date you or not as she sees fit.

Alyssa seems to me a bit of a busybody in that she seems to feel there is a "right" way to go about establishing friendships, and it's her way not yours. This is perhaps understandable, but is also narrowminded and intrusive on her part. You are not "endangering" these friends, nor, does it appear, exploiting them,  nor, unless there's part of this you are not telling us, are you "forcing" friendships just because you have a plan. You can't force someone to be your friend. While some might find it odd, this is just how you choose to run your own social life.

There are other fish in the sea and if you lose Faith over this, so be it. You will eventually find partners who understand, tolerate, and possibly participate/assist you. You should take Alyssa's reaction as a reminder to be subtle about this (because, again, some will find it disingenuous) but really her reaction is also inappropriate because you aren't actually doing anything wrong.

See the post above as to why Alyssa was being a busy buddy. I was not endangering anybody, but I think Alyssa felt like I was trying to force my way into her life by targeting a number of her best friends and her boyfriend just to befriend. No harmful intentions or anything like that, but I was trying to get closer to Alyssa and her friend group. Exactly, I don't see how it is forcing friendships at all, but Alyssa claims that I am forcing situations to happen, and not just going about life and seeing what it brings. 

I really hope I don't lose Faith over this. I know people find this odd, but is there really any harm? I don't feel like I am harming anyone through this. 

[Lifeinpixels]

53 minutes ago, S2B said:

do you work full time? Do you support yourself?

Yes, I work remote. It honestly doesn't even take much time for me to just lurk around people's social media pages. I can find so much info about someone through social media in like 3-5 min. 

[Lifeinpixels]

2 hours ago, Mike B. said:

You saw a woman twice only from a distance but became set on meeting her even though you never saw here close up. You then happened to hear of her name from friends who knows her 300 miles away and you immediately thought "hey, that sounds like my Faith" even though this is many miles away. That's one hell of a coincidence, really...

Just to make this clear, I mentioned Faith to my friends first regarding another story, and then they mentioned that they knew her and she now lives in their town from CrossFit. I didn't tell them I liked her when I first mentioned Faith, but I was asking about her a little bit and if they knew her. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[LynneVicious]

Have you been evaluated for OCD or any other compulsive disorders? I understand you’re autistic, but this is a strange situation. Do you have any friends or girlfriends you’ve met naturally?

[Lifeinpixels]

15 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Have you been evaluated for OCD or any other compulsive disorders? I understand you’re autistic, but this is a strange situation. Do you have any friends or girlfriends you’ve met naturally?

No sign of OCD but just autism. I was tested for these things. I mean most friends I made I met naturally at first but they were only acquaintances and I didn’t see them on a regular basis before choosing to do so.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[S2B]

Do you realize you aren’t (haven’t been) “dating” Faith?

phone calls are a FAR reach… from planning a date and taking a person OUT to dinner, movies, events.

this was definitely NOT dating Faith.

[S2B]

1 hour ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Yes, I work remote. It honestly doesn't even take much time for me to just lurk around people's social media pages. I can find so much info about someone through social media in like 3-5 min. 

The exact reason I never put my personal info on any of my social media pages. They are always set to private and I never “friend” anyone I don’t know.

social media isn’t real life.

stop using it as a weapon to sneak info about people - half that info online isn’t real anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have posted before, with many more details about your intrustive behaviour with Alyssa and her boyfriend. You have left out some important  information  here that would give more context as to why Alyssa is reacting this way now. It's not coming out of the blue. Your last thread is relevant to this situation. 

We told you then that you need to stop this. As you can see, your conduct is catching up to you. You are going to extremes to insert yourself in people's lives and it's going to make some people uncomfortable. Whether or not your are on spectrum, you need to stop doing this. This is not the way to make friends.

Understand that you were not dating Faith. Emailing and a couple FaceTime calls is not dating. She is entitled to back off if she feels uncomfortable with what Alyssa told her. Your approach to making friends was bound to have consequences, and this is one of them. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[S2B]

You need professional help to work on your boundaries.

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

See the post above as to why Alyssa was being a busy buddy. I was not endangering anybody, but I think Alyssa felt like I was trying to force my way into her life by targeting a number of her best friends and her boyfriend just to befriend. No harmful intentions or anything like that, but I was trying to get closer to Alyssa and her friend group. Exactly, I don't see how it is forcing friendships at all, but Alyssa claims that I am forcing situations to happen, and not just going about life and seeing what it brings. 

I wouldn't call what you were doing a scandal, but I think Alyssa has a point.

Look, I don't know anybody who would be okay with being subjected to this elaborate process you undertake once you decide you want to befriend a person. And you seem to know that it's problematic too because you don't go out of your way to tell the people you're getting to know what you're doing. I also suspect you wouldn't like it if someone did it to you because it seems to me that you like situations where you have more control than the other person and if someone did this to you, you wouldn't be in control.

It is manipulative because you go out of your way to craft situations that will lead you to bump into people, lead them to perceive you a certain way, and then make it easier for them to trust you and open up to you. You have way more information about the situations than these people do, so you have control and perhaps a degree of power that they do not. Maybe these folks would have liked you and befriended you anyway if you had just interacted with them naturally. Maybe they wouldn't have. But at least it would have been their choice. By doing what you do, you take that choice away from them because you don't allow them to meet the real you. Rather, you have them meet versions of you that they are bound to like because you've learned a lot about who they are and what they're like and modified your behavior to fit the mold.

The thing with Alyssa's situation is that she set a boundary. She wanted to maintain privacy where her boyfriend was concerned. You disregarded that and went about seeking him out and trying to manipulate him into friendship. If you can't respect the boundary of someone you call a friend, that's a problem.

I can see why Alyssa felt violated. And I can see why she warned her friend, Faith. Everything else she did may sound like overkill to some. But by investigating you, she was mirroring your own behavior back at you, and she was doing it in self-defense because she felt you posed a danger (and it sounds like you didn't like it--I wonder why). I mean, you are essentially stalking people from a distance, learning about their habits, and inserting yourself into their lives. 

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Everything else she did may sound like overkill to some. But by investigating you, she was mirroring your own behavior back at you

Yes, and there is a backstory. 

OP's other thread about this friend Alyssa sheds light on why she is so uncomfortable now. 

[Lifeinpixels]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Understand that you were not dating Faith. Emailing and a couple FaceTime calls is not dating. She is entitled to back off if she feels uncomfortable with what Alyssa told her. Your approach to making friends was bound to have consequences, and this is one of them. 

I know Faith and I were not officially dating yet and it was only casually. However, for a while we both envisioned a future together of dating soon, but we were not there yet.

Obviously, she can back off if she wants, that’s her decision. Very often relationships don’t work out, but my question is, do you think this is a justified reason for her to call things off? She didn’t feel uncomfortable at all until Alyssa told her something. 

By the way, this whole investigation was done after I posted before about Alyssa. Obviously, I didn’t think it was necessary to include all those details in this thread because it ain’t about her, but knowing all the details about what I did with Alyssa, would you say she had a justified reason to react like this and investigate me? Because many people were saying here that Alyssa is a drama queen and was meddling in places she had no business to be.