Am I insecure for this?

[acapulcogold]

Hi.

I've been dating someone for 8 months. We are exclusive since we had that conversation a few months back. I know she trusts me and I do trust her but I have a concern.

Her boss has gifted her a one week holiday abroad since he has spotted she is run down, stressed and she has accepted. (Her boss is also married and gay by the way)

We've spent a big chunk of our time either getting drunk, hiking or going to gigs. Most of our time has been good but the odd time we have got drunk together - or even her alone - she looks like she struggles to say no to more drinks, to go home when she says she's going to and has a tendency to be a tad flirty/impulsive when drunk. 

All of this compounded by the fact she will be in another country for a week, 'de stressing' and looking forward to it leads me to worry that - yes, this will sound madly insecure - she could sleep with someone else.

I have not communicated my worries to her since I do not want to appear too insecure so I've internalised it.

Would anyone else feel the same? How do you manage this? Is this normal?

Edited November 9, 2022 by acapulcogold

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, acapulcogold said:

  We've spent a big chunk of our time either getting drunk

she looks like she struggles to say no to more drinks, to go home when she says she's going to and has a tendency to be a tad flirty/impulsive when drunk. 

Is this a work trip? Who else is going? Her boss? Other co-workers?

Unfortunately you can't police someone who has problems controlling their drinking.

As far as this trip, if she tends to get drunk and flirt there's not much you can say.

Are you concerned she'll get in trouble abroad?  It all depends on whether other co-workers will be there.

In the meantime look into Al-Anon. It's for people Involved with problem drinkers.

 

Edited November 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[acapulcogold]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a work trip? Who else is going? Her boss? Other co-workers?

Unfortunately you can't police someone who has problems controlling their drinking.

As far as this trip, if she tends to get drunk and flirt there's not much you can say.

Are you concerned she'll get in trouble abroad?  It all depends on whether other co-workers will be there.

In the meantime look into Al-Anon. It's for people Involved with problem drinkers.

 

No not a work trip, merely a gesture from her boss for her being so exhausted from work. And her boss nor any coworkers will be attending the trip, just her solo.

She seems to find no problem going for a few drinks solo also, obviously after a few she latches on to a few people, talks, makes friends etc. I think others may do this.

Thank you for the tip, although I don't think she's a full blown alchoholic, she may just struggle with saying NO.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, acapulcogold said:

She seems to find no problem going for a few drinks solo also, obviously after a few she latches on to a few people, talks, makes friends etc

Unfortunately there's too many red flags to pick just one, such as taking a solo trip, (supposedly funded by her employer), heavy drinking, poor judgement, and a tendency to become flirtatious/overly friendly.

Why didn't she invite you or opt for some other perk?

It's odd she likes to drink alone  this much and even stranger that she'll "vacation" alone just to drink and flirt.

Are you questioning the story about the trip (supposedly alone and supposedly funded by her boss) or her faithfulness or her lack of control over drinking or her safety?

Edited November 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[acapulcogold]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's too many red flags to pick just one, such as taking a solo trip, (supposedly funded by her employer), heavy drinking, poor judgement, and a tendency to become flirtatious/overly friendly.

Why didn't she invite you or opt for some other perk?

It's odd she likes to drink alone  this much and even stranger that she'll "vacation" alone just to drink and flirt.

Are you questioning the story about the trip (supposedly alone and supposedly funded by her boss) or her faithfulness or her lack of control over drinking or her safety?

She did invite me for a few days but I said it was way too unrealistic. 

She's not going to drink alone and flirt - she hasn't said that's her aim. She has said her aim is to take a break from work. It's ME that worries that is what she will end up doing. 

And to the last question, maybe the latter. She is friendly with her boss who is married and gay and I've met him, so that aspect I'm not suspicious of. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, acapulcogold said:

. It's ME that worries that is what she will end up doing.

It doesn't seem like a question of being insecure but more of being wary of her excess drinking and being somewhat incompatible. If she gets drunk and hooks up with somebody, you'll never know. But that could be anywhere anytime not just on a vacation.

[glows]

3 hours ago, acapulcogold said:

We've spent a big chunk of our time either getting drunk, hiking or going to gigs.

Would anyone else feel the same? How do you manage this? Is this normal?

Do you think you’re projecting quite a bit? You’ve both been drinking a lot on a couple of dates and you’ve seen how she drinks. I might wonder how you are too if you’re tipsy or drunk and wonder if she may think the same about you. 

This early and with this kind of distrust and thinking a new romantic partner may cheat on you isn’t good. I can’t say I’ve ever felt this way. I’m usually pretty happy if someone tells me they’ve got an opportunity to travel somewhere.

You both may be incompatible, nothing to do with drinking or travel. 

[smackie9]

You should have stepped up and asked her why she struggles, and address the intoxication. May as well start now.

[flitzanu]

the drinking part of this is secondary, you're assuming already that she would choose to cheat on you while she is on vacation.

being drunk is just a poor excuse.

if you assume she will cheat on you, there must be a reason why, and that would lean into being insecure in the relationship, that you'd believe she would betray you.

[emotionallybroken9]

Here’s a thought about projection:

We project our fears of others performing terrible acts because we know that deep down, we ourselves are willing to commit those acts. 
 

Whether it’s true or not, that depends on whether you think you’re capable of getting drunk and sleeping with someone or not. Heck, it could’ve happened in your past as a ONS, not as a cheating thing, and now you think it’s possible. 
 

Listen, your gf already invited you but you can’t go. She’s getting a free trip. Sucks you can’t go. Sucks she can’t control her drinking. Sucks you’re insecure. 
 

Why I say you’re insecure is simply because there’s nothing we can do to control the actions of others. 
 

if she drinks and cheats on you, guess what, she’s not the one for you. I mean think about it, how old are you? Do you really wanna be policing your adult partner because there’s a potential for them to cheat? 
 

I mean holy crap, if you don’t trust her to be alone and having a drink, then why is she even worth your time? Has she cheated on you in the past or something? Has she made a “mistake” while drinking? Are you guys having bad sexual compatibility at the moment? 
 

Man, my ex wife cheated on me for a YEAR, and I had no clue lol. If this girl will cheat on you, then she’ll find a way. I’m saying this so that you can deal with your insecurity before it becomes a turnoff for her and ACTUALLY push her away cuz u can’t trust her. 
 

im not saying she won’t cheat on you. Far from it. Anything is possible. I’m saying let go of unrealistic expectations of being in control of everything. We can’t. We have to trust em until they break our trust. Then we either try again with someone else, or give them a chance to regain our trust. 
 

or she could go on a cool trip, and come back to you very much rejuvenated and happy that her bf trusts her and now she got to chill!

 

good luck!